DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

Sorry your going through this OP.
My dd started uni identifying as male with a new name, her new name is now on her degree and I worry she will regret it. Luckily her GCSE’s and A levels are in her birth name. Her new name is a non binary name. My dd is autistic and very immature…..yet very intelligent, she has been easily lead by other tran friends and social media. I often hope she will change her mind and go back to using her real name but now she’s talking about testosterone and surgery. I worry so much that it keeps me awake at night.

I am pretty sure these days schools will ask what a students sex is as well as gender, most forms I have filled in lately for anything asks similar….”assigned sex at birth?” And “how do you identify” as well as asking what name and pronouns they prefer. I don’t think they will be at risk of being put into boys changing rooms.
I was shocked when we looked around universities to find they had male, female and non binary toilets, I expect some schools have these now too?

At that age I thought nobody would care or bat an eyelid if someone's trans in sixth form.
Are you saying the school doesn't admit anyone but bio males, they think she is one, and she may get kicked out?
What is the schools policy on trans kids?

I'm sure she's not arrogant, insulting, or stupid. She's just very young.

because menstruation not all "oops a little bleed I'll keep it to myself" Clothes may need to be removed to use a defib and you certainly need to be changed to have a GA to fix a broken bone. If someones assumed gender (ie the gender everyone thinks you are by what you look like) matches their biological gender then there is no need to tell people. If this person is actually male teen looking enought to pass as male then the school need to know that they are still biologically female....on a transitioning journey sure but still biologically female.

So your husband has colluded with your daughter to lie on the school’s application form by putting her sex down as male rather than female. It sounds as if you have been marginalised out of the situation, OP. Presumably because the pair of them don’t trust you not to inject some reality into the proceedings. I can understand this from a delusional teenager but your grown adult should have known better.

I’d be apt to butt out and let her get on with it. Let her find out how it pans out for her when she lies.

The poor school will have had to deal with this sort of nonsense before, I’m sure. Let them handle it. If they want to call and doesn’t to a parent about it, let them call your husband.

Fastest way in the west to alienate your child.

The few trans people I know are autistic. Often trans people don't have a sense of identity and will copy others to make them feel accepted. A man I know,whom I've always thought was very eccentric ,is married to a very dominant woman, now identifies as a woman but I'm sure he's doing it to please his bisexual wife.
Another man I know was a cross dresser ,wore really out there clothes,has found a lovely girlfriend and now wears men's clothes.

Your kid sees this as a fresh start.
They can present however they wish tbf.
Whether they "pass" or not depends on how much testosterone they have taken, whether they are flat-chested/using a binder and whether they have been at the gym/bulking up/protein shakes etc They have chosen their new name.
They wish to make new friends - male and female - as their new identity.
Does the college have gender neutral toilets?
If so, no issue.
If not, might be tricky if they don't pass.
As for them dating, it is up to them to reveal their status. I think it should be the earlier the better, but it doesn't necessarily mean rejection or being ostracised.

This. Expect to never speak to you child once they are an adult.

How unbelievably hideous is this

"We have gender neutral toilets and changing facilities as I'm sure most schools do."

In addition to the single sex ones that you are legally required to have, I presume?

Or are you in one of these Scottish schools that are breaking the law?

I work in a sixth form - it'll be fine. Have taught trans kids since 2015ish. No problems really. The college will honour her wishes and most 'kids' of that age seem sensitive and accepting as far as I have seen (in a fairly worming class city on the south coast). They will be fine. I am privately gender critical but completely supportive of people's choices to be who they want to be and I think most people are similar.

You are absolutely correct to be in contact with the school. Yes they do need to know your daughter's biological sex. Your daughter (and husband) are naive in thinking they don't need to do this. There may also be issues with incorrectly completing form.
As you pay the fees, the school have a contract with you, not your daughter.
Your daughter is still a minor.
There are potential safeguarding issues around sex, use of toilets, changing rooms etc that the school need to take into consideration.

"...so if she is passing, it may not be questioned."

I'm sorry, but just how is a 16 year old girl supposed to be "passing" as a 16 year old boy?

Unless she has been taking illegally supplied hormones for the last few years and had an illegal mastectomy then there is no way that she is even remotely going to be anywhere near "passing".

"They passed as male (just about)"

So, not really then.

Would you say that to the parent of a child with anorexia or a drug problem?

This is just the same, its a MH condition and validation of it is akin to telling an anorexic young girl that she is indeed fat and we'll support her to get weight loss injections and join slimming world because thats how she 'feels'.

You are the parent here and I am assuming paying the fees, you need to tell the school and she won't pass anyway, you aren't her friend your her mother, so parent her

They are but I doubt the boys will be happy potentially getting changed with this biological girl in the changing rooms. They also should not be put in the position of having to use the urinals in front of her.

I have never worked with a 'trans' child (who are overwhelmingly girls) who is not autistic or on the pathway to diagnosis. Not one single one of them.

It is a huge comorbidity, its a symptom, not a condition of its own. Its a symptom of not understanding themselves and the world around them.

I’d say it’ll all need to be down to her, I wouldn’t be facilitating it in any way.

Op I can't wade through what course is she doing?
If it's creative it maybe likely to have a number of trans people on it.

Re names and all the rest you just have to be truthful and blunt they will call her the new name but she either uses gender neutral loo if there is one or...female loo and changes in female loos because after everything she's still female
But everyone shoukd respect her pretending to be male

• in other area

Yes, but colleges have safeguarding systems to deal with these situations. OP, just phone up and give the heads up. I can guarantee colleges have been dealing with these issues for years. Your DC will be one of about 15 similar kids (not to minimise your stress but it'll be fine).

@Drfosters that's illegal now isn't it .

She can't.

OP I would strongly recommend looking up the Bayswater Support group -not specifically for this issue but for general support especially if your DH isn’t stepping in. Critics will say they’re anti-trans/how awful they are but they really do support parents going through this.

Fair enough - I have learnt something new.