DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

Your child is keeping a secret that puts her at risk of exploitation (using sex based pronouns as they're relevant) A male/group of males could assault her in the toilets and she wouldn't be able to tell anyone for fear of being outed. She's also at risk of other forms of blackmail. Does her father understand this? If your child wants to live as a transman that's one thing but the secrecy is a big problem.

We had a pupil who transferred to our (Scottish state secondary) school and was a 'stealth' trans boy.

Staff were instructed to use male pronouns and that other pupils must not find out. The pupil used the disabled loo and was excused PE and games.

She wore baggy clothes and was quite a big girl, so the other pupils didn't spot that she was trans - until she told them. She then disappeared from school.

The last that I knew, she was back to being a girl.

"...one of my biggest fears is that a girl kisses her/makes advances to her at a party/social event/wherever, thinking she’s a boy, what an absolute nightmare that would be"
Sorry, but can you pls explain why that would be an absolute nightmare? Is your DD, now DS, sexually attracted to girls? If yes, then it wouldn't be a nightmare for your kid, they'd be delighted. And if your child is sexually attracted to boys, presumably they'll just tell the overly friendly girl that they're homosexual?

I mean when the girl finds out that your kid is biologically female, which would be very very quickly, on account of a lack of penis, then that girl can make a decision based on that fact.

Poor mama, I feel for you. At her age, as parents, you should be able to have a say in her future/education.
Everyone is so so woke these days and sometimes you need to apply old fashioned values and parent as you see fit until your children are mature, whatever age that may be, legally, I realise it is 18, so at 18 years old, when considered an adult, she can do as she pleases, until then, your guidance shouldn’t be overruled by schools etc for example changing her name on her exam papers.
I suppose it must be legal, but I agree, how messed up is the world.

I don’t usually post, but my heart goes out to you.
Sending you lots of love x

Your child isn’t 18 yet. Call the school, book a meeting, go in and talk through all your concerns.

Disgusting advice… what about the poor girl conned into kissing another girl?

How on earth would a 16 year old be getting hold of the money to purchase hormones online without your knowledge? Does she work? Earn a lot of money? You need to be getting a handle on this quickly, before she irreversibly damages herself.

One of the biggest 'tells' will be when she joins the LGBT group. Or someone starts a conversation about trans rights and she opens her mouth.

Or is she REALLY going to avoid all that because it'll give the game away (thus isolating herself from those in a similar situation). I mean come on....

Does she really think she's THAT clever that she's going to manage to fool everyone? Just how arrogant is that? And insulting to everyone else that they are too stupid to work it out?

Its spectactularly naive and stupid to think you can pass and no one will know.

Her old school will have done a reference for the new one. Even a state sixth form would require this never mind a private one. I’m pretty sure the old school will have mentioned this?

@speckledgreenfrogs Does she understand there is more to being a man than having a beard or moustache?

They will have or have toilets they allow trans or NB students to use. Most senior education facilities have done this rather than let them use the single sex loos.

its the easiest way to manage safe guarding. But if she doesn’t tell them then she won’t have access, it’s a very silly stance

Back to basics.

Your husband has signed a contract with lies.
Your child is being sent to a school under false pretences.

Contract law.

Supporting the rights of natal women is not anti trans.

She does get a decent bit of pocket money, I was a bit angry/upset when I wrote that, I would really really hope she hasn’t purchased them.

But will still keep a look out over the upcoming weeks/months for any more signs

Lord help an anorexic child if you take that view. Affirmation can be hugely damaging. It's perfectly acceptable for children to challenge outdated prescriptive sex stereotypes but it does not change biology. This cult will die out.

Thank you, this is exactly what I’ve tried to tell her but she just doesn’t want to hear it

I’d tell her that you’re not paying for private schooling until she acknowledges that a person can’t change their sex.

There’s nothing wrong with changing her name, wearing more masculine attire and short hair etc. but trying to get other people to join in the delusion pretending to be male is ridiculous and she might just as well pretend to be a clownfish.

You need to be the voice of common sense here!

Thank you dear xx

well, the OP's child will have to handle those situations him/herself, including when to disclose to potential partners that they are female. It's not for the OP to police or warn potential girlfriends about. FWIW, the law advises it should be disclosed before sexual intercourse, but I doubt that includes a snog at a sixth-form party:
"In UK law, deception as to a person's sex, including when a trans person's gender identity is not disclosed, can be a factor in determining whether consent was validly given for sexual activity."

I think the sixth form will need to know biological sex but I'm sure they will be fully supportive and use the pronouns and name your DC chooses. If I was you I would contact the sixth form to let them know.
Your DC is almost an adult, I don't think you have any realistic choice other than supporting them unless you want to be cut out of their life once they are independent. I completely understand that this feels like a loss for you, a loss of your daughter who is becoming a son, but ignore all the noise around it and negative comments. I know several trans people and there is not as much hate and judgement in real life as you see on here. They are happy and more confident living as the gender they chose to live as, some are in respected professions doing well in their career. They all have supportive families which is probably a factor in them doing well in life and being happy.

If it is private school she could potentially lose the place because of this. I certainly wouldn’t be happy if I worked in admissions that the family were not upfront about this. Schools tend to be very understanding and do their best to accommodate (within the law) but I expect they do not want to be blindsided.

having worked with quite a few trans men (more prevalent due to the industry I recently worked in), none of them passed even remotely. We accommodated as best we could but it was as clear as day they were female.

You will have to inform the school for many reasons for a start , GCSE certificates will be in her girl name so they will need to know that they are hers!

I’m sure the students won’t care but they will all be aware that she is female. It’ll be more obvious when she is stood next to a teenage boy.
My friends daughter is trans and it’s so obvious when she is stood next to her humungous younger brother.
But yes you can’t pretend, so many safeguarding issues trying to hide this (although they will also know).

Wtf?? So it's OK to you for a straight girl to kiss someone they don't know is biologically also a girl without being totally informed?

OP - don't know if it's already been recommended but if not I highly highly recommend reading this (and your DH tbh)

https://ebay.us/m/N3c5Hi

I have a friend who came out as trans, in their 30s, about 20 years ago. Back then, yes, they were more comfortable moving into new social groups where they hoped they could pass in their new identity.

However teens nowadays are much more open about it; they mostly seem quite happy to say that they are trans, there are quite a few of them about, and it's accepted by most.

I know of a sixth-form residential this year where there were three ftm trans kids, and they shared a room. The problem was that the rooms slept four, so they had to persuade another girl to join them.

Gender dysphoria is a thing, and transitioning made a big difference to my friend. Back then there was a long process before any medical intervention, so you had to be pretty certain, especially as it was something which was still very unusual. Now, however, unfortunately the availability of hormones online means that if the medics try to stall things, kids may just go online (especially if they have a child trust fund).

However I am completely unconvinced that gender dysphoria affects nearly as many as are identifying as trans nowadays - it seems much more of a lifestyle choice (and the gender stereotypes we were trying to get rid of now seem to be stronger than ever). Hopefully some of them are just experimenting with identity, and may not try to do anything medical.