DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

Mumsnet is very pro women’s rights and ensuring that our safety and sports and other spaces are protected from those who were not born women.

That is not anti trans.

I would agree they will generally be very accepting of a trans boy. Someone letting people think they are a biological male, when they are not, could be another matter.

They are not more "broadminded" as they will just roll their eyes and carry on as normal.

What tends to happen is that the OP's DD will find like minded individuals to hang around with and normally a teacher that will back them to the hilt and everyone else avoids them.

OP I've read the thread put to the point of my posting.

She may have changed her name, got GCSE certificates etc with the new name but she is biologically female. She may identify as another gender, she can identify as a tree or a toaster for all I care but her biological sex is a fact (ovaries, womb etc) and you must not pander to this nonsense when the lives of other children at the new school are at stake. Your husband sounds like an absolute drip, filling out a form and stating 'male' is no joke. For the wokerati on MN this has safeguarding implications in a school setting which if there is an incident, will take time for staff to deal with when quite frankly they could be marking/teaching etc. Her choice to change pronouns/gender is something for her but she needs to understand the impact she may have on others.

Some posters are suggesting autism - not the case as I see it. We simply have a generation of young people who are confused with their sexuality and this is another avenue for them to go down, or they wish to explore in a way in which we have never seen before. They are heavily influenced by social media and some are groomed into believing they are male/female/a tree/toaster etc.

The percentage of genuine young adults that this applies to is so small. I think you need to investigate if she is taking medication secretly that she could have bought online, this could contain anything and endanger her health. A very frank conversation needs to take place regarding the physical transition from one gender to another. Many have now gone down this road and regret it and are unable to have children etc.

Also, for anyone who objects to my post, I am entitled to my opinion - no wokery here, just huge concern for young impressionable teenagers and I have HUGE experience in this field.

Sorry if already suggested, but read Irreversible Damage. Sorry you are going through this.

Absolutely, any opinion that differs from the 'agenda' is deemed anti- trans and that is not the case. We safeguard our young people but when a female becomes 18 that protection disappears and we are fair game for anyone - sport, changing rooms etc. Women, who wish to be women need to be protected.

I don't think it will be the shit show you assume..

I cannot imagine for a second that this is the first trans pupil they'll have had.

They will be aware from the discrepancy between name and lack of gender on some documents and details on others, or lack of gender details in general, that there is something going on there.

They will have some sort of facility for non-binary/trans kids to use the toilet.

I WOULD have a conversation about girlfriends/boyfriends though, and consent.

If your DC is not clear with someone else what the situation is re their gender, then any consent they have, for kissing and anything else, is not valid. The minute they want to take a friendship further, into sexual activity, they have to be up front with that person.

Hi, parent of a trans ftm child, now an adult. Also a C&F social worker. From memory, we had to fill out an application for 6th form, not just present with GCSE certs. My advice to you is to contact a safeguarding/pastoral member of staff. This will alert them to your child needing an eye kept on her.The member if staff will also be able to tell you how the school intends to meet her needs. In my experience, despite my child going to Catholic school, we have managed to overcome these challenges including residential etc. My child's sixth form embraced diversity. Schools and colleges still have to support diversity, despite th e recent high court ruling. Hope this helps, and also sending some sollidarity.

I’d want to know why she is so desperate to withhold her true biological sex to other girls.

Do you really think she will ‘pass’ though OP? It sounds like you do and that surprises me because it’s very rare to do that, although I suppose at 16/17 some boys are not yet as masculine as they will be. I think everyone will know and probably go along with it to some extent.

Do you think not passing will cause a great deal of upset even if people are accepting? I hope not.

I hope you are not a teacher (hard to know as this is your only post) as you sound like an ideologue and that has no business in a school. “Deadnaming”? Do you know how offensive a term that is to use to a parent? Her child isn’t dead.

And schools are obliged in law to have single sex (not gender) toilets and changing rooms for all children aged over 8.

Hello OP. Mother of 22 year old ftm.
We went through all your concerns over an eight year period.
I'm not posting much on these threads atm due to abuse.
You are trending so be careful. You might be able to have that bit hidden.
I am happy to help if you want to DM me

Info request:

All the posters saying school has to know for medical reasons. Why? Why would a school know about medical stuff?

I mean peanut allergy etc i know youd want the school informed. But why does the school need to know anything medically?

My daughter, early 20s, is now very cynical about people who come out as trans. she (and others her age) have seen so many girls/ boys who demand to be called by the new name etc etc. Then they go on holiday, or off to uni or similar, when they come ..amazing, they've changed back again!! The idea that young people are more accepting is no longer the case from what I've seen (I also work with young people) I think its become the opposite, they're fed up with it.

Your child needs to realise they are still a child. The sixth form has responsibilities to them and also to the boys in the college.

As a mum my big worry would be the drinking culture amongst 16 - 18 year olds and what this could be like for a naive young person who believes themselves to be male but is very much a female and likely to be read as female by the boys.

In this case, I don't think its about parental wishes but about real life. Go by a male name? sure. Dress and behave outwardly as male? Ok But the child is transitioning not transitioned. There is a lot the school can do to help her on her way while at the same time protecting her and the other children but in order to do it they have to know the situation. Not as in "XXX is a girl who is pretending to be a boy" but as in "YYY is on a F to M transitioning journey"

umm menstruation? What they will find under their clothing if they ever need resusc? I broke my wrist at school and was carted off in an ambulance.

Everyone will know she’s a girl op.

As happens with all fashions.

Please know that you are not alone. As I write this my daughter, who is in early 30s and is autistic, has messaged that she has officially in law changed her name. First name unisex and middle name male. I cannot personally come to terms with being told my identity as a mother to a daughter has gone. I am not allowed to use her birth name or the terms sister, daughter or granddaughter. She doesn’t live with me and of course she is an adult, so there is nothing I can do. But I am very sad.
But I have to be resilient. I know this is a result of her being groomed. Having been a ‘tomboy’ myself growing up, I never promoted gender stereotypes nor live to them today.
I can only now hope she doesn’t damage her health with body alterations and taking higher than natural levels of testosterone.

I taught sixth form at an independent school. Wednesday afternoon was mandatory sports for all students.

I agree. This is pretty much what happened at my older children's school. The pronouners (as they got called) formed a clique and everyone else left them to it. Fine when the clique gets on, not so fine when cracks appear.

It's not all about your daughters entitled wishes, the boys at the school deserve their dignity and privacy in single sex spaces.

I do hope OP you're ignoring posts like this. One of the depressing things about trans ideology is the insistence on parental alienation and making a wedge between parents and children. So many mentally vulnerable young people are being gaslit online that their uncomfortable growing bodies are wrong but a sex change is the miracle cure.

Your daughter is 16 and will likely change her mind about relationships, her sexuality and her future as she matures. People who insist that at 16 she knows who she is and that you'll alienate her unless you comply with her teenage angst are generally not parents of teenagers and don't work with them.

You obviously hold her at the centre of your thoughts so please don't be derailed from safeguarding her. There are lots of thoughtful and wise posts on here about all this which understand the issues in parenting teenagers and hopefully offer some ideas for the way forward.

Wishing you all the best.

She will not pass.

I was out last night and spotted two transmen.

The first was in a wheelchair, lots of piercings, beard and mustache.
Obviously a woman. Soft curved facial features and expression.

The other. Shaved head, mastectomy, wearing very 'masculine' clothes (almost trying TOOO hard) but those hips and waist don't lie. Neither does the height.

There were a bunch of other people around them, sporting transflags on clothing so it wasn't exactly difficult to work out!

Genuinely you need to have an honest conversation about this. Other people WILL know and will only fail to say something out of politeness. The trouble is not everyone is polite. Add alcohol to the mix and someone at some point WILL say something. Is she going to be prepared for that? And once ONE person knows for definate, it'll take precisely 30 seconds for everyone else to know if they hadn't already worked it out.

It is NOT a secret you can keep. It WILL come out.

Suggesting differently is lying to her and isn't preparing her for the real world. You'll do her a massive harm by lying about this - even if its about trying to protect her feelings. IT WILL NOT WORK.

Honestly that would be my worst nightmare for it too all drunkenly spill out at a party. X