Worried for daughter starting high school

[Sailthisshipalone]

So my 12 year old daughter who is transgender is starting high school on monday and im so worried for her.

She also has a diagnosis of autism.

She doesnt find it easy to make friends and shes left a lot of her younger friends behind in primary school.

She keeps saying she doesnt want to go and shes scared and ive been trying to be really positive for her but deep down im petrified.

She transitioned socially around 3 years ago so all the children moving up with her know she is transgender and im so worried about kids gossiping and her being potentially outed to any new friends she makes.

She is also starting to go through puberty so i know tje next few years wont be easy with that.

Im hoping maybe someone reading can relate or is going through this now also

Thanks

@mcmooberry what exactly is "masculine" movement?

She doesn't want to be that, you just don't get it! This isn't some fad, she has been influenced by no one, it's who she is. It goes far deeper than being a tomboy. You are all making me laugh/despair as you aren't living my life and you haven't the first clue what you are talking about. Of course I have suggested she is a gay female with a male style but that's not how she sees herself at all.
She currently is genuinely gender dysphoric and that's that. Not what I would have wanted or predicted when she was born (and have have other children of both sexes so no desire for a son from me)

Hard to describe but obvious when you see it.

I thought you were leaving it there after your cat vegan comment which I take to mean that you believe the same type of people who would believe a cat could be vegan would believe that a child could feel they were born as the wrong gender. Not comparable in any way.

Over my dead body will my child be sterilised on my watch and maybe time will tell if she is a gay female or even a straight female. I commented on the thread in support of the OP who was worried for her daughter starting high school as is my daughter and didn't need to be attacked by the likes of you who doesn't even have a child in this position so knows sweet FA about it. No wonder the OP has fled.

You misunderstand, I was applauding you for not deceiving your child and calling her a him..

You didn’t want this for your ’beautiful feminine daughter’? You didn’t want her to display ‘masculine’ characteristics? I think as parents we accept our children EXACTLY as they are- whether masculine or feminine, male or female. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being female and displaying stereotypically ‘masculine’ traits/behaviours/movements. (The same applies for ‘feminine’ males of course).

I have a lesbian daughter so I pass your test for posting on this board, by the way.

Ok thank you, I feel attacked on here when I only commented in the first place to support the OP (who understandably has disappeared).

No I didn't want her to feel she should have been born a boy and not be happy being a girl, gay or otherwise.

The board is for support, not to attack posters.

I’m sorry you feel attacked.

I was just confused by your mention of your daughter being beautiful/feminine and trying to work out what you mean.

mcmooberry

I do sympathise and empathise with your position, but I have seen the damage that this can cause, not only to the child and their parents but to other children and adults that are in the surrounding area.

She currently is genuinely gender dysphoric
Has this been diagnosed? and has it been diagnosed by a neutral therapist?
There seem to be far to many that have latched on to this bandwagon.
I hope that your daughter and you come out of this with minimal issues.

My daughter spent most of age 3/4 claiming to be a cat. I did not change her name to Tiddles and buy her a box to shit in. She has shown no signs of being trans-species for several years now...🙄

She currently is genuinely gender dysphoric

I was listening to an interview the other day with Dr Az Hakeem who is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Medical Psychotherapist, and who has been working with gender dysphoric patients for nearly 25 years. In his opinion, gender dysphoria is a symptom, ‘like a cough’, rather than a disorder in itself. And it is the job of parents (or the patient themselves if an adult) along with appropriate therapists, to unpick the source of the dysphoria- whether trauma, neurodivergence, or something else.

I agree, seems to be an actual bandwagon and suspect a lot of vulnerable children get sucked into this at a later age, have read some horror stories and if either of my other children announced they were identifying as the opposite sex, I simply wouldn't believe it.

You've set her on the path though!

You can't stop her if she wants hormones? They will make her sterilise.
And what if she wants surgery? That will sterilise her.

Sorry but you are clueless. The mere fact you are saying 'over your dead body' when you are saying she's born in the wrong body shows the extent to which you are poorly informed. Its not a neutral act to socially transition. It makes it harder to desist.

https://www.transgendertrend.com/

Seriously read up and get the right information instead of comments like 'you people'.

You don't know what you are doing.

Interesting, as we definitely have neurodivergence too but when I attempt to suggest it might be linked it is shut down by her and the wanting to be male certainly predated any other obvious neurodivergence by a long way. We are adopting a wait and see approach for now, supporting her wish to dress and present herself in a typically male way but being very clear to the school that we don't wish to mislead anyone that she is female.

I am saying she believes she belongs in the wrong body. I would explore all other options to ensure transitioning, if it comes to that, is the right decision, as it must be in some cases. As an adult I would have no say in that, I meant over my dead body while I have a say.

What would you have me do? Force her into a skirt, make her grow her hair long? Impossible, trust me.

It would predate it though! Precisely because if you are neurodiverse you struggle to understand the concept of being gender non-conforming because of black and white thinking over rules and things in general. Being autistic makes it harder to cope with anything outside the idea that girls do this and boys do that.

Shutting down is an anxiety and avoidant type behaviour. Its not ok. Its problematic in its own right.

Autism and fight or flight responses from anxiety go hand in hand.

Your daughter sounds like a classic case. She's struggling. What you don't then do is reinforce those ideas because unfortunately it does not change things. And hyperfocusing on transition becomes obsessive - you will lose control. It becomes the magic bullet. Until its not. And you've damaged your body because of the ideological belief of the wrong body. You can't be born in the wrong body. Thats a quasi-religious belief and deeply offensive. Would you say that to a disabled person???!

Read the Cass review and information about outcomes. They are particularly negative for girls.

What would you have me do? Force her into a skirt, make her grow her hair long? Impossible, trust me.

If I was you, I would not be making this about hairstyles and clothes. I would be explaining to my daughter that she is female and therefore that makes her a girl. Girls grow up to be women.

Women and girls can wear stereotypically masculine clothes and have short hair. Plenty do.

Regarding ‘gender dysphoria’, you may find this thread interesting:

https://x.com/BayswaterSG/status/1831723863966704064

What would you have me do? Force her into a skirt, make her grow her hair long? Impossible, trust me.

Neither wearing a skirt or having long hair makes a person female, I think that these are the markers you feel you’d need her to accept to be a girl show a real focus on western stereotypes that she doesn’t want to conform to, and that’s fine but it doesn’t mean she’s male.

She can be a girl who becomes a woman with short hair, shirts and no makeup, she doesn’t need to have stereotypical feminine interests, she never needs to wear heels or get her nails done, none of these things are inherently female, they’re mostly just fashion.

Let her reject those stereotype and be who she likes without making her feel she can only do that if she ‘identifies’ as male.

Women and girls can wear stereotypically masculine clothes and have short hair. Plenty do.

Yes. My hair fluctuated between Grade 3 & Grade 1 for a few years, because it was comfortable, convenient & I felt like it. If anyone assumed that meant I identified as male or nonbinary, I said something about stupid gender stereotypes.

I got bored & grew it, but I’ll probably shave again at some point.

Since 3????

What would you have me do? Force her into a skirt, make her grow her hair long? Impossible, trust me.

See, this is YOU projecting stereotypes on her. You are saying that what makes a girl is clothing. You need to have a really hard think about what you are saying with this and the messaging you are giving.

YOU are reducing sex to stereotyping, not saying what a girl or women actually is - its not a skirt and a hair cut.

This is so sad - that people in the 21st century, in our allegedly liberal and progressive culture, equate being female just with long hair and skirts, and not walking in a 'masculine' way.
Have we really come to this? That a child who doesn't want to dress in girlie clothes is dysphoric. No words.

@mcmooberry Yes I could weep for your daughter , my own autistic daughter is very similar to yours & didn’t wear ‘girls’ clothes from a time she was able to express an opinion (about 3). She doesn’t engage in activities that girls stereotypically enjoy and CAMHS even tried to explore ‘gender’ with her which we resisted.

but I went away and did some research and then parented her. The strong message we gave was that there’s no wrong way to be a girl, that liking boys clothes means nothing more than liking boys clothes. It doesn’t mean you’re really a boy (that would be ridiculous).

The link between autistic girls & genderism is horrifying. Please do some research and stop harming your child. Ultimately autistic girls are being put on a pathway to sterilisation. Even if this is not what you want , social transition will probably lead to this. She may well cut you off if you’ve supported her this far then say you won’t support medical transition.

@mcmooberry

this will be a hard listen but it deals with the autism link www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5163163-to-be-so-upset-about-the-stories-in-julie-in-gender-land?page=7