Worried for daughter starting high school

[Sailthisshipalone]

So my 12 year old daughter who is transgender is starting high school on monday and im so worried for her.

She also has a diagnosis of autism.

She doesnt find it easy to make friends and shes left a lot of her younger friends behind in primary school.

She keeps saying she doesnt want to go and shes scared and ive been trying to be really positive for her but deep down im petrified.

She transitioned socially around 3 years ago so all the children moving up with her know she is transgender and im so worried about kids gossiping and her being potentially outed to any new friends she makes.

She is also starting to go through puberty so i know tje next few years wont be easy with that.

Im hoping maybe someone reading can relate or is going through this now also

Thanks

Sadly not. They do PE with the sex they identify with. 🙄. They also have Girls Toilets, Boys Toilets and an empty block of Gender Neutral which nobody wants to use.

But no one is bothered by the transgender kids and gender identity being real ... So why is the footfall to the gender neutral toilets so low?

Hmmm.

Children in schools use toilets of biological sex so not sure how your DD dressed as a female going into male toilets will feel. Also for the physical safety of all pupils male and female PE is split according to biological sex and not preferred gender. In general pupils seem to accept trans pupils well. There are so many of them these days most of them seem to be autistic.

I was a teacher and have also seen 2 DC who came to high school as transgirls with support go back to being male. When the other girls were going through puberty and menstruation and they were growing stubble on their face they realised they had less in common with the girls than the boys.

@MagpiePi

I appreciate what you are saying, but equally it's not the role of a random year 7 boy (as my nephew is because he's not friends with the transgender children on his school) to have that conversation or make that statement especially in view of the toxic 'be kind' mantra which rarely seems to actually do any good.

The adults should be the ones supporting the transgender children by not allowing them to back themselves into a corner/position where they can't come back from it.

No child should be bullying another child for any reason. I don't think anyone here would say that is ok.

Using correct sex based pronouns should not be an issue though, it's certainly not bullying. Refusing to accept that boys can be girls and girls can be boys is not bullying. Girls not wanting to do PE with boys is not bullying.

One of the parents of a transboy I know is watching her daughter edging towards detransition but struggling because a couple of the teachers at school are gender zealots. So when the daughter has mentioned having doubts to the teacher who runs the LGBTQ+ club, or wanting to grow her hair or wear something girly instead of boyish, she's been asked whether her parents or other teachers are pressuring her in an 'If they are, we need to intervene' sort of way. She's very well aware that if she does decide to desist it will be a huge blow for this teacher and the other kids in the group and she feels under terrible pressure to keep pretending to be trans in order to survive school.

Some teachers are thrilled at the virtue signalling opportunities supporting 'trans' kids offers them. They really don't want any of their special children to decide it was all a mistake.

People 'being kind', including parents, don't realise the terrible trap they're setting for their children. Once you start lying about something as clear and obvious and binary as sex, you open up a Pandora's box of unforeseen consequences and your child becomes a pawn for deluded or unscrupulous people.

@CoffeeAndSunrise it would be considered bullying though.
I'm as GC as they come, but I would never suggest to my nephew at his age to refuse to respect someone's preferred pronouns.

I'm happy he can see the reality and that he seems to be in the majority. It will play out.

There are lots of ways we GC adults can campaign etc to ensure women's rights are eroded and trans people aren't exploited but I'm not expecting an 12 year old boy to fight any battles, he's got enough going on navigating life/puberty etc

But it's not respectful to use gender identity pronouns. It's not a neutral act. It traps kids who wish to desist. And desistance should be the preferred outcome not medical transition. It's also massively disrespectful to the opposite sex. Not to mention the stress to anyone who is autistic to have to play the mental gymnastics.

Respect is a two way street. Reducing the opposite sex to gender stereotypes is disrespectful. It's sexism.

I'm not saying that you need to suggest to your nephew to not use preferred pronouns. The people I have an issue with are those that tell others that they have to use preferred pronouns as they're transphobic. This is a message being sent to our kids by schools unfortunately.

But it's not respectful to use gender identity pronouns. It's not a neutral act. It traps kids who wish to desist. And desistance should be the preferred outcome not medical transition. It's also massively disrespectful to the opposite sex. Not to mention the stress to anyone who is autistic to have to play the mental gymnastics.

Respect is a two way street. Reducing the opposite sex to gender stereotypes is disrespectful. It's sexism.

Yes, this. It seems only respect of 'trans' people matters. Its mind blowing as to how we have arrived here.

I’ve already mentioned three girls who desisted. The 2 who desisted first had parents who did not support the transition. The girls had short hair, but no different from styles that I’ve had in the past.

In one case, I’d covered an unknown class and was yelled at by a bunch of 16 yr olds: “You’ve misgendered Jake!”

I had read out “Elizabeth”, the name on the register. (Not the actual names.)

I apologised to Jake. Jake didn’t care.

I was HoD. I told Jake that they’d need to get a letter from their parents to get their new name on their result certificate.

I was new to all this. Would have been maybe 8 yrs ago.

Jake didn’t mind about the “deadname “ being on the certificate. Yup. Jake’s transition was being pushed by the school LGBTQ+ group plus their “friends”.

The exam passes were awarded to Elizabeth and Elizabeth is now a mum.

A couple of posters have mentioned girls who detransitioned & became girly or became a mum.

All detransitioning is positive, but I think it's also important to keep reinforcing the message that girls don't have to start acting in traditionally feminine ways in order to accept themselves as female.

I'm a lesbian who does both DIY and crochet, and has no maternal instincts unless you count cats. My hair happens to be long at the moment but I had a Grade 1 a couple of years ago & probably will again at some point. I've got dresses in my wardrobe but mainly live in trousers. None of that makes me any more or less a woman than anyone else born with XX chromosomes & a vulva.

Just like a boy who likes skirts & dolls (for instance) is no more or less a boy than one who wears jeans & plays rugby.

Totally agree.

I find the term 'non-binary' ridiculous. We're nearly all 'non-binary' in the sense that we don't conform 100% with stereotypes.

I think the reason that I mentioned Elizabeth becoming a mum is that it wasn't a case of Jake claiming to be a dad.

The three girls that I worked with never behaved in stereotypical 'feminine' ways.

We all knew what was what. The two girls who were openly 'trans' used the girls' facilities - toilets and changing rooms - and the other girls never remarked upon it once.

@EmpressaurusDeiGatti Thank you for saying that- you have expressed something I’ve often thought.

Stories about girls who detransition and become ‘girly’, while valid, can give ammunition to trans ideologues who believe that we are the ones that want people to fit into gender boxes. Those stories can confirm their belief that our objections come from a place of homophobia or religious fundamentalism. They think we want girls to have long hair and dresses when what we actually want is for girls to simply be who they are, with the infinite array of interests, skills and styles it is possible to have as a girl. Just one that is happy in her own skin, knows she is female and is not destroying her health with cross sex hormones and surgery.

Of course the stories about the detransitioners who then really embrace femininity are authentic and those girls deserve as much support as anyone else- but we also really need the ‘other side’ to hear loud and proud stories from girls who detransitioned (ie stop using male pronouns/stop using testosterone) but otherwise remain as they were- short hair, ‘masculine’ style and interests etc.

And motherhood is something else. It’s a female thing to do but not necessarily feminine. You can be a lesbian with short hair who works in construction and still have a baby- only if it’s something you want of course!

I'm one of the mums your talking about and I never told my daughter she HAD to be girly.

She never was.

Well under 5 she was a typical pink princess but after that she was a total tomboy. And I LOVED that. I thought it was awesome she wanted short hair and to wear her brothers clothes, she looked so cool all the time and she was comfortable.

It became a problem for me when she started to equate short hair and trousers with being trans.

Plenty of women don't conform to those pink gender rules and that was a HUGE part of the conversation we had about being herself.

It just turns out that her deciding she wasn't a boy coincided with her turning 14 and developing and a few other event and she went the way of exploring her femininity in a way that was more traditional, vs her tom-boy look of the past.

To me it just cemented that teens go through phases, many of them to find out who they are l, it doesn't mean they're in the wrong body

I’m sorry, that really wasn’t meant to be a criticism - more of a balance!

@mouseyowl
I wasn't suggesting that your 7 year old nephew is the one to have a conversation with a child who thinks they are the opposite sex. What I meant was, with everyone 'being kind' either because they believe it is the right thing to do, or becasue they are compelled, it is just feeding into the confused child's narrative that everyone also believes they are the opposite sex. Whereas in reality the majority, like your nephew, are rolling their eyes internally and probably feeling somewhere between a bit sorry for and utter contempt for the child and their delusion.
It is not fair on the confused child that on the one hand a few adults are reinforcing the belief but the peer group is well aware of reality.

We realised we are lesbian and gay. We have grown up, found love and are happy. And this was in the face of Section 28 and a lack of understanding and empathy that often tipped into taunts and, in the worst cases, severe physical violence. We weren't validated by captured adults and peers in a society enraptured by feelings, we didn't demand that everyone conform to our make-believe and we didn't try to erase women and homosexuality from society.

My apologies, I obviously missed the homosexuality part!
I thought it was about being ❄️, which was severely punished during my time.
😊

They are bothered, but not allowed to say anything. My son was told off by an RE teacher for putting JK Rowling at the top of a good people list ( as part of an exercise), because they were told she had made a series of transphobic tweets. The trans kids spend lunchtime in the " hub " , not mixing with the other children. Nobody wants to use the GN toilets because they know what sex they are.

Of course the kids are bothered. They've been bullied, by the special peers and by the teaching staff, to not object. You can bet your last penny that a 14 year old girl trying to deal with a period at school is NOT comfortable or happy at having to do it with males in the same toilet block as her, whether that male insists they're to be called Delilah or whether the male is called Darren. Still male, and there's still a 14 year old girl trapped in a cubicle trying to unwrap a tampon silently. "Progress" is shit for those of us born female.

Agree but entertaining to see Labour utterly tied in knots over this one. I will be interested to see where they eventually land legislatively as well as with codes of practice.

Frankly I'm utterly sick of it all and people having it as another "woke" cause. As Professor Winston said, " you can't change biology"

Just come across this board. My daughter who identifies as male and has since aged 3 has just started secondary school so you can PM me if you wish to chat. The school have been great so far.