Worried for daughter starting high school

[Sailthisshipalone]

So my 12 year old daughter who is transgender is starting high school on monday and im so worried for her.

She also has a diagnosis of autism.

She doesnt find it easy to make friends and shes left a lot of her younger friends behind in primary school.

She keeps saying she doesnt want to go and shes scared and ive been trying to be really positive for her but deep down im petrified.

She transitioned socially around 3 years ago so all the children moving up with her know she is transgender and im so worried about kids gossiping and her being potentially outed to any new friends she makes.

She is also starting to go through puberty so i know tje next few years wont be easy with that.

Im hoping maybe someone reading can relate or is going through this now also

Thanks

I'm a secondary school teacher in quite a 'tough' area and honestly you have nothing to worry about. The vast majority of students are accepting of everyone and bullying (in amy form) won't be tolerated by the school, or indeed any of the students.

Shes got nothing more to worry about than anyone else going to high school. Shes living in an era where being transgender is not something 'new' and most of not all the children in the school are aware that some people are transgender it's not like 'back in the day'.

Have you discussed her concerns? What about which toilet to use? Does she want anyone to know? Have you made all her teachers aware? All these thing probably need to be discussed to out her more at ease(which you probably have)

Isn't being transgender becoming more accepted and now parents and students are now concentrating on the impact of kids thinking they are animals ?

This!!

Communicate with school if you're worried.

Have you spoken with the school already and asked about their policies and how they will accommodate and safeguard her?

At my DCs school kids PE is separated into boys and girls so assuming you child's school does similar then they will need to be put with their sex not their preferred gender. You also mention puberty.
You say your child doesn't want to be "outed". Do you mean that you expect no one new they meet to know that they are male but presenting as female? (I'm assuming I've got it the right way round as you talk about your daughter?). In my experience teenage kids these days are completely used to having "trans" classmates. But they absolutely know that they are trans and whether they are biologically male or female.

What mental health support is your child getting? I understand that the Bayswater parents support group is helpful.
If you haven't read the Cass Review, you really should. You need to safeguard your child.
Who has influenced your child at the age of 9?

The expectation that everyone wont recognise immediately that your child is biologically male irrespective of what clothes you buy them is unrealistic, so I’m unsure what you mean by ‘outed’.

What support are you getting for the autism diagnosis and how are you vetting their access to the internet? Children aged 9 don’t get these concepts on their own, and I think supporting this concept for three years has been a mistake.

Your poor child, it must be very worrying for you all.

Have they had psychological support to explore the causes of their gender dysphoria? The mental load of carrying a ‘secret’ and having an identity based on something that requires everyone else to accept it must be huge. In the long term, once they’ve been through puberty, they may be more able to accept their body, as many children do.

This. I'm absolutely horrified by this situation. Puberty is going to be awful for this child. Poor kid.

IME kids are very tolerant of trans and gay people. But they do all know who is trans - your child might find it easier to be openly trans rather than hoping that no one notices. They should be using the toilets etc of their sex anyway (for the comfort of the other kids + safeguarding for everyone).

Huge hugs op, the first day of school is terrifying but at least she knows some people there and hopefully will find some friends quickly. Focus on how exciting the news subjects will be, talking to her about her lunch, school locker, timetable etc- get her thinking about school stuff rather than the stuff she can’t predict yet x

Aren't 12 year olds already in highschool? Have they also been held back a year?

Most kids won't care.
And the bullying won't be any different to that of any child unless you consider other children asking questions bullying.

I suspect that OP is not in the UK. In my son's Senior School in England, the trans identifying boys have to get changed with the other boys. Everyone knows what sex they are even if they wear the girl's uniform.

That’s so much more sensible. And are sports separated by sex too?

As others have said if you have an autistic child that has socially transitioned, you need to be looking into support for their mental health, and you need to read the Cass review, if not already done.

Have you spoken to the school about the situation and also considered how your child’s needs will not negatively impact the rights of the biological females at the new school?

I don’t think bullying by other kids for being transgender will be a problem. Kids are used to this now, and very accepting. Being autistic however may mean that your child may struggle to make friends, especially if the friendship group is girls as the social interactions become more complex among girls and it’s hard for ASD kids to navigate.

She's more likely to find kids like her at secondary, and find her tribe. Lots of transgender/gay groups at my kids secondary school - seems accepted. You may have a difficult first few weeks but once she settles it might be the making of her x

Also she is not a boy in girls clothes, she is a transgender girl

🤨 Right...