Worried for daughter starting high school

[Sailthisshipalone]

So my 12 year old daughter who is transgender is starting high school on monday and im so worried for her.

She also has a diagnosis of autism.

She doesnt find it easy to make friends and shes left a lot of her younger friends behind in primary school.

She keeps saying she doesnt want to go and shes scared and ive been trying to be really positive for her but deep down im petrified.

She transitioned socially around 3 years ago so all the children moving up with her know she is transgender and im so worried about kids gossiping and her being potentially outed to any new friends she makes.

She is also starting to go through puberty so i know tje next few years wont be easy with that.

Im hoping maybe someone reading can relate or is going through this now also

Thanks

This too.

Nothing about this situation is pleasant or nice.

A whole bunch of kids are harmed by the actions of parents here.

I think being trans is widely accepted in schools now. Children who are attempting to use the opposite single sex facilities are not. The answer is surely third spaces. I know in our local high school people who aren’t happy getting changed in the communal single sex changing space are allowed to use the unisex changing area which is all cubicles. Lots of children do. Puberty is a tough enough time for lots of people without stripping to your pants in front of your peers.

We do worry about fetishists accessing women’s spaces, yes, but we also worry about vulnerable boys and girls, many with ASC and/or MH conditions. We worry because we listen to people like Ritchie Herron who speaks out to warn other young people of the dangers of being swept along with the ideology, having castrated himself and now deeply regretting it. Very grateful that Ritchie (and many others like him) are using their experiences to educate others.

Not narrow minded.

Aware of the harm that you are doing to your own child.

I'm sorry OP but he is a boy confused and wearing girls clothes. I hope things work out for you I really do. And I genuinely don't want to hurt you or anyone saying this. It's just what I believe. This is a mental health issue.

I think the transgender movement have sold people lies. People with autism are particularly affected by this movement.

All this “outed as a boy” when it is as plain as day what sex a person is. It’s fine to be feminine and wear skirts but you can’t “change” your sex. This is not narrow mindedness, it is not believing in an ideology that made little boys in tutu’s into a fashion.

Why should special provisions only be made for children who believe in trans ideology, when all the other children who are uncomfortable or get bullied in communal spaces just have to suck it up?

"Judgemental bigots"?

Nobody has been judgemental or bigoted. They have just pointed out safeguarding issues you need to be aware of. I would read the Cass Review and contact Bayswater for support. You also need to understand and communicate to your child that the school will (or at least they should) segregate changing rooms, toilets, sleeping accommodation and sports by sex. There is no way you can keep your child's transgender identity a secret at school. Whilst you may be 100% on board that your child is a girl they are male and it would not be fair to the other children (particularly girls) in the school to lie to them about that. You will be creating far more problems for your child if you insist on them being treated as a girl in every sense. There are safeguarding reasons why that will not be possible and you need to be open and honest with both your child and the school.

God so many horrible people on this thread. OP I hope for your sake that you're not reading and have found somewhere less transphobic to get support, but just in case: your worries are totally understandable, but things will probably be okay. I would suggest considering early meetings and discussion with your daughter's pastoral team, talking with your daughter and with the pastoral team about how to handle outing as you're right that it's likely to happen, and working to remain a safe and stable home base for her, which it sounds like you're already doing. Anecdotally, secondary kids tend to take sexuality and gender more in their stride than they used to. Hoping for a smooth transition for your daughter. <3

Your child won't be the only one in this situation, I expect there will be others caught up in this social contagion.

I expect the youngsters will simply accept your child on a day to day basis, but I agree that you need to prepare your male child for not being welcomed into the female changing room and loos. What is a male child ever going to understand about being a girl? Period pain, bleeding through your pad and knickers, vomiting with the pain.....

It's deeply cruel to the girls if you expect your male child to be in that space.

Doesn't the school have alternative accommodation? The girls have rights too.

speak to sen department there are usually clubs for autistic kids.

The best advice would be for you to help your child to desisit, and stop calling him a ‘trans girl’ he is a transsexual male and the sooner he comes to terms with this the better for him and his long term mental health.

An adult transing a young child isn’t a neutral act to this around them - you are hoping that until your son hits puberty he will be able to lie to his peers or at least ask them to collude in his delusion. I don’t think any posters have been judgemental bigots - more concerned about the long term mental health of your son.

also speak to sports department as sports / pe is in high school pe is separated into boy / girl teams to avoid girls playing against boys who have gone through male puberty so you might want to check if its going to be an issue her going into the girls group.

Just a polite note, in this comment you have said 'him' and 'he'. Th OP has reffered to her daughter as 'her' and 'she'. Maybe you should do the same ans consider being a bit more respectful.

I really hope your child has a good experience and their fears are unfounded.

however, girls and their parents may not wish your child to change or toilet alongside them. This is not and would not be bullying but females asserting their own right to single sex space or parents doing it on their behalf. Nor is it being bigoted and judgemental. The fact remains your child is a male and females won’t want to, nor should they, be expected to toilet or change alongside them. The disabled facilities may be a good solution.

I do wish your child well.

@ThatOpenSwan nobody has been horrible. People are actually showing concern for the long term well being of this child and pointing out that safeguarding protocols mean a child's sex cannot be kept secret.

See cocopuffs post below yours as to why it's not 'transphobic'.

That and the fact that 9 - 12 year old autistic boys lack the capacity to make an informed choice about socially transitioning.

This is all coming from parents. The very fact the child is becoming distressed at the thought of going to high school may be a sign they actually feel uncomfortable with transitioning but have no way of pushing back because they have parents who are so entrenched in the idea that their son is a girl.

How does a 12 year old autistic boy stand up to his parents and say this is all wrong?

The reaction here should be treated by the school as a potential red flag, so I do hope the OP talks to the school so the school can keep an eye on the kid and offer support in various ways outside the influence of trans pushing adults.

No one has to go along with the OP’s ideology. We don’t have to do compelled speech around here. I personally have no interest in colluding with gender ideologists.

Of course it's an issue - boys should not be pushing girls out of sport. Never mind the issues around safety.

My adult child transitioned MTF when they were adult. They spent their entire childhood unhappy and suicidal.

I have struggled with it and we are building our relationship back up where I care for my child as a parent should.
The one thing I know for sure is, as a mother, mumsnet would not be a supporting place for me in this regard. This should be a site where mother’s are supported when they meet challenges they struggle with but it appears this is one challenge where we don’t get support.

People will be judgemental and rude to me about this, but I didn’t choose it and have to deal with it somehow or my daughter will go no contact or worse. The standard response here is “Tell them they are a boy and to stop this nonsense” which genuinely doesn’t help a parent.

It is the same as telling a wife to tell their alcoholic husband to just stop drinking. Doesn’t work that way and makes the wife’s position more wretched as she feels a failure.

The rights of your son don't override the rights of my daughter to single sex spaces and sports.

Your son can wear whatever he wants, however he is male and needs to adhere to society rules around this.

I am sorry for you and your son that he has been allowed to think that he can change sex. He obviously can't, since every cell of his body is XY.

You have lied to him. Yes, that will cause problems as women are saying 'no'.

This is not a neutral act.

The Cass Review states this and has concerns about it.

It is recognised by law that not believing in gender is a belief worthy of respect in this country.

It is missexing to use opposite sex pronouns. I don't believe in misgendering as a concept.

No one should be compelled to use pronouns wrongly because there are massive implications to doing so that erode boundaries. That's not ok when we are talking about vulnerable teenagers.

I'm sorry you are in this position, have you contacted Bayswater for support?

@Shmee1988 while I'd probably clunkily avoid using any pronouns for this child to avoid upsetting OP, this child is a male & therefore not a "she".

It's really important that the language we use is clear, especially when we are talking about gender, sex, safeguarding children etc. Using "she" gives the impression that this child is a female, which is scientifically incorrect. Although we have free speech & people are free to say things that are scientifically incorrect, it's best not to compel others to do so or shame them into doing so.

Let's keep truth, science & safeguarding at the heart of this because there are vulnerable children at stake.

I understand the stress of trying to support a mentally unwell child in the absence of mental health care in this country.
It is better mental health care we need, not this dangerous ideology influencing vulnerable children.
Lack of proper support for autistic children has been a huge issue forever.