Worried for daughter starting high school

[Sailthisshipalone]

So my 12 year old daughter who is transgender is starting high school on monday and im so worried for her.

She also has a diagnosis of autism.

She doesnt find it easy to make friends and shes left a lot of her younger friends behind in primary school.

She keeps saying she doesnt want to go and shes scared and ive been trying to be really positive for her but deep down im petrified.

She transitioned socially around 3 years ago so all the children moving up with her know she is transgender and im so worried about kids gossiping and her being potentially outed to any new friends she makes.

She is also starting to go through puberty so i know tje next few years wont be easy with that.

Im hoping maybe someone reading can relate or is going through this now also

Thanks

I will echo this. Your child deserves care and compassion but as a secondary school teacher myself, the children are becoming increasingly wise to the fact that this is disorder ( gender dysphoria) and not the ' born in the wrong body' rubbish that used to be spouted. They know that you can't change your sex and are not seeing it as cool/ brave as it used to be viewed.

Op as someone who has a lot of autism in their family and at least one autistic teen who is transgender...I have read so much about how autistic kids don't feel like they belong socially so assume its because they are the wrong sex...if your child transitioned at 9 that is very young to know who they want to be for the rest of their life. I hope she is getting the professional support she needs.

@Sailthisshipalone I’m sorry you are getting such nasty comments on this thread. MN is prolific for its transphobia so I generally would avoid posting anything trans-related on this site as that’s when I’ve seen it become the nastiest.

I echo what other, less nasty, posters have said; children are so much more accepting of trans people than adults tend to be. She might get some comments at some point in her schooling as we all know kids can be cruel, often not realising the velocity of their words, but I wouldn’t imagine that would be any more likely than with any other “difference”. I’m not saying that that would make it ok, but I mean I don’t think you necessarily need to worry specifically because she’s trans, more because she’s moving through high school, which can be a scary time!

Wanting to safeguard vulnerable children isn't nasty.
Dr Hilary Cass is a very experienced, compassionate, renowned paediatrician. She spent 4 years on her review. She isn't nasty. Neither is her report.

It's not about other people being accepting!

It's about the implications to others and the psychological and physical harm to those transitioned by parents at an age when they can't possibly understand the implications.

This is a 12 year old autistic boy. He has no idea about any of this.

He trusts his parents who are lying to him and then trying to force the whole world to go along with the lie.

Unfortunately biology and reality don't lie and this will become more and more of an issue as they get older - even if they are surrounded by people who pander to it.

As it stands this kid is in the pipeline for medical transition which has horrendous rates of complications. And that started at age 9. This is an autistic kid.

This shouldn't be happening.

I work in a high school and have supported trans children as part of my role. Ours is a nice school and I’ve found that about 95% of children are non-plussed or not confident enough to complain because of the climate that existed until about a year ago. Children are now becoming more emboldened to challenge this and it’s unrealistic for them to be unscathed. The SEN dept should be managing any bullying as it’s generally seen as a “symptom of her autism”. Anecdotally, I find trans kids are often “taken under the wing” of more problematic female pupils which can be disruptive for the trans pupil’s education. Knowing a previous name and sharing photos of the child pre transition can be used as a currency to gain status for some children. It’s foul but it happens. I feel for your child but if it was my child I would be encouraging them to be very low key and consider how “girly” they present. Look out for help from ELSAs and ISAs who may be able to help.

She should be honest with everyone about being transgender. It’s too hard on everyone- including your kid- to pretend to be something she’s not. No wonder she’s dreading school, she’s going in on a lie.

Transitioning at 9??

Poor child never had a chance.

Well my point was in the local high school all children who don’t want to use the communal single sex changing rooms do get changed in the all cubicles unisex changing room. Not just because they are trans (there aren’t any as far as I know tbh) but for whatever reason. I’m assuming mainly bullying/ body conscious. DS used it for a bit as some kids thought it was funny to hide his clothes and whilst they were spoken to it’s understandable he didn’t want a repeat and there are lockers in the unisex space.

I would of loved an alternative space as a teen. Ideally it should be available to all.

Op I think the best way you can help is to be realistic and honest with your DC. It is vanishingly unlikely other kids won't pick up very quickly that your DC is not a female.

Children are not stupid, although they have now been conditioned to not comment for fear of being accused of transphobia. So make no mistake if children don't say anything, it won't be because they haven't guessed your DC is trans unfortunately.

Good luck to you both. Hope your DC eventually gets the help they need, however that looks.

@StolenChanel what have people said that is "nasty"? There is nothing nasty about safeguarding vulnerable children. Social transition is not a neutral act and whilst the easier path is to just affirm and celebrate transgender identities I think society is slowly realising the harm that has been done to children.

There are several posters on this thread who I'm sure are desperately trying to be kind, and it is simply because they haven't thought enough/researched enough about this deeply harmful social contagion.

It is not bigoted, judgemental, nasty, nor disrespectful to protect women's rights.

We are talking about a deeply troubled boy here who needs help. The worst help he can possibly get is to be told that all his problems are that he is in the wrong body. He's not. He is in his body. Which he was given. The kind thing to do is to help him accept that.

Pretending he's a girl is, as anyone with half a brain could anticipate, resulting in disastrous consequences for both himself and all the girls around him.

@Shmee1988 . No. It is not disrespectful to call someone by their actual pronouns. These aren't something you can just choose.

Here's the thing. There should be a health care plan in place if this is being done in the child's best interests and this should have been discussed and involved the child's new school of that was the case. There would be adequate third party support away from the influence of parents.

Without that it's just the wimb and politics of the parents being forced upon a bloody 9 year old who is now 12 with no adequate plan about how to handle puberty.

It's totally negligent from all adults parties involved in the welfare of this child.

Doubtful in a prepubescent kiddo.

I have also known a few children who have detransitioned during high school. With the right support and a trusted adult to work with dysphoria can be worked on.

It is going to be uncomfortable for them, autistic amd trans puts them outside the norm. However, they will be shielded by the SEN department, usually there's some place they can go for lunch/ timeouts with others who have SEN, like a safe space.
It might be helpful to go through how they might reply (or not) to questions they might get asked. Are they wearing a skirt and tights or trousers?

Oh dear.
I'm just thinking, how did similar children survive thirty years ago and in another (much tougher)
country and environment?
🤔

Op - how did your son even know this was a thing at 9? Or presumably even younger.
He should have just been playing whatever he wanted, be that football or ballet. He should have been wearing whatever he wanted, be that trousers or skirts.

The sexism and homophobia is rife. Why couldn't a nine year old be reassured that it was ok to be a boy who had female friends and didn't like to do 'boy' things or wear 'boy' clothes. Instead the solution is to lie? Like wtf.

There's a kid in the year above my son. (Yr6). Was allowed to sit in the girls sex education lessons including with Muslim girls. The parents of the girls are quietly deeply unhappy as their daughters came home really upset by the present of the boy. They like the boy and are friends with him but still know he's a boy. They were 10 when it happened.

It's awful to all of them.

This is all so utterly absurd. Completely batshit. The ops son is a blooming male. It's biology. And she's called him her daughter and we're supposed to go along with it. And several people have. Completely bonkers.

Yes, a perfect answer, succinct and accurate. It doesn't matter what you believe or what you tell him, he will still grow into a man.

Quite. Why should 99% of a school bend for 1%?

OP. I work in this field and I understand your concerns. Secondary transfer is anxiety provoking for all children, but particularly so for those with additional needs.

It can be helpful to think about meeting needs in three ways:

1. what environmental adjustments might be needed (for example, for kids with sensory processing differences, eating someone other than a noisy/smelly dining hall, and those with trans identities having planned alternatives for single sex spaces.
2. what social adjustments might be needed (how teaching staff will deal with peer based issues arising in ways that will support understanding and positive relationships).
3. how to promote resilience (some people do not affirm trans identities and it will help your child if they can understand that there are many reasons for this other than 'hate' for them).

I have had a lot of success with supporting schools, and pupils, with the above approach. It really helps when everyone is actively thoughtful about the issues arising and engages with different perspectives and concerns.

I encounter 'blocking' from 'both sides' in terms of people brining ideological arguments to the table, as opposed to reasoned discussion about the issues at hand. However, we have always found ways forward, with issues relating to trans identity anyway. It tends to be mental health issues that prove most difficult to support in school (mostly anxiety).

Maybe a teachers view isn't always the most accurate.

My daughter goes to a good school and frankly what she tells me, many of the kids are not very accepting of it. They know to play the game in front of the teachers but that is it.

As someone else said, they are starting to roll their eyes about all of this and it doesn't help when some decide they want to be defined as a cat!!

The reality is you need to prepare her for the worst and talk to the school about your concerns.

Sorry that this isn't what you needed to hear

💯 Often stems from internalised homophobia, so sad!