Worried for daughter starting high school

[Sailthisshipalone]

So my 12 year old daughter who is transgender is starting high school on monday and im so worried for her.

She also has a diagnosis of autism.

She doesnt find it easy to make friends and shes left a lot of her younger friends behind in primary school.

She keeps saying she doesnt want to go and shes scared and ive been trying to be really positive for her but deep down im petrified.

She transitioned socially around 3 years ago so all the children moving up with her know she is transgender and im so worried about kids gossiping and her being potentially outed to any new friends she makes.

She is also starting to go through puberty so i know tje next few years wont be easy with that.

Im hoping maybe someone reading can relate or is going through this now also

Thanks

Why isn't it being dealt with as a mental health issue from the word go then ?

Social transitioning helps no one. It just produces more mental health issues to deal with.

This 'both sides' nonsense fails to acknowledge the point that regardless of what you believe biology doesn't give a shit. Therefore if you ignore this and don't address issues around this point and how not everyone shares beliefs you are setting up children for a fall regardless of how super supportive everyone around them may be.

How can a 9 year old child have the mental capacity to "transition"

The op and her views have put her son at serious risk of bullying once he hits puberty.

Friendships beginning on lies and deceit will never go well.
The summer holidays were the ideal time to reset this and before puberty starts.
If the kids accept the child as 'she' knowing its 'he' it's more likely through fear of getting into trouble. It will only be the odd child who will accept him as he is at present. The kids who don't care about getting into trouble will take the piss and adults going along with this are complicit in the bullying, including his parents.

It's neither bigoted nor judgemental to speak of reality.

@Brainworm appreciate your reasoned response, but it's not wrong to bring "ideological arguments" to these discussions. People are legitimately allowed to hold these principles & they inform the practical steps available.
Eg, it might be more practical & helpful for us all to use XYZ pronouns, and you might not see an immediate issue, but ideologically some people are just opposed + that needs to be respected too.
Ideology isn't a dirty word- it can just mean principled (in some cases)

Will other children in the class be chastised / punished if they call your child “he” instead of “she”?

Will teachers / support staff be similarly expected to deny reality and use female pronouns when referring to your child?

All through my childhood, I wore boys clothes, insisted on being called by a boy’s name, played football, climbed trees etc. I wore a dress for visiting Granny “it would please her and won’t hurt you”. When I got to around 13, I decided I didn’t want to be a boy after all, and just settled down to being a girl. I had two friends who were similar. Instead of just being allowed to be ourselves, these days we’d have been put on puberty blockers and taken to a shrink.

Of the three of us, two are straight, married with kids, and the third is a lesbian, single, but perfectly happy and has no wish to be a man.

"My daughter goes to a good school and frankly what she tells me, many of the kids are not very accepting of it. They know to play the game in front of the teachers but that is it."

Agree. My DC tells me that theres now just a few of the older kids that are "TWAW" types but most are pulling away from it all and as you say, just "play the game". Very sad for the kids who think people genuinely believe they are now male/female when all they are doing is just keeping quiet so they don't get punished.

Despite some allegations upthread it is unlikely the child has any desire to harm anyone else.

It is also possible that a 12-year-old might pass as the opposite sex, though I think not guaranteed. And very unlikely to remain the case for much longer.

I am a little cynical about how "accepting" teenagers actually are of trans people. A superficial acceptance may not translate to meaningful social inclusion, and it only takes one bully to make a person's life hell - often without the adults even realising.

Sadly though I expect being a socially awkward effeminate boy still isn't a great thing in most schools either, so it's not as if detransitioning is a silver bullet. Indeed I expect many schools would come down much harder on bullying of trans students than of gender-noncomforming "cis" ones.

It's a sad situation all round. Our society doesn't really provide an easy way out for people like this, in any direction.

Many of the replies on this thread remind me of the meme, tell me you've never met [a 9 year old with gender distress] without telling me.

Without exception, every family I have worked with who has a child with gender distress, have been extremely caring and wanting to do the best for their child. I expect the same goes for parents who are posting on this thread about sex based rights. However, this thread is not about sex based rights, it's about a distressed young person and their mother who wants help.

What would the response be in your school to a child who used male pronouns to refer to this child? Would this be considered ‘bullying”?

Would you consider a decision by another child to refer to the child in question using male pronouns as ‘bullying’?

Their cohort (and teachers) will absolutely just be playing the game!
There’s a rare few from very “right on” backgrounds who half believe it’s possible to be born in the wrong body.
Teen social media content has changed in terms of how socially acceptable being trans is and they’re finding their voices.

You can't help any child in any situation by lying to them or over promising things that are unobtainable. Particularly an autistic kid.

Children, generally, are not haters. She will be fine.

"Why isn't it being dealt with as a mental health issue from the word go then ?

Social transitioning helps no one. It just produces more mental health issues to deal with. "

Who is saying that mental health issues aren't being recognised or treated?

It's not the case that 'social transitioning helps no-one' and produces more mental health issues. There is no clear evidence either way.

Cass did not recommend a blanket ban on social transitioning. She recommended what I proposed with is thoughtful engagement with the issues at hand.

My daughter wanted to socially transition at 13.
I would not allow it. I wrote to the school and GP absolutely forbidding any encouragement of it.
I talked to her. About everything.
She's autistic. She was self harming.

She was feeling dysphoria at her body because of puberty, not because she was in the wrong body.

We talked about lesbianism as her attraction to females was confusing her.

We talked about butch lesbians.

We talked about gender stereotypes

And most importantly we talked about FTM transition and ALL that entails.

I showed her photos of women's arms after phalleoplasty. I showed her scars of mascetomies

And I explained to her that however far she took it she would never be male.

She would never have grown up with male experiences.

She would never naturally have an erection or be perceived as male (she's tiny and yes there are tiny men and they spend their life being ridiculed too)

I was honest and told her she would spend her whole life feeling like she was pretending.

She had counselling (non related to transition)

And now. At 15 she is the girliest girl you could meet.

She embraced her body and the changes.

It was a normal teenage phase that was almost derailed by something else that's being pushed on children.

PUSH BACK. PROTECT THEM.

Because if they were being considered there would be a robust transition plan to high school which would have dealt with all these issues before this point.

The OP wouldn't be asking the questions here if it was being taken seriously as a mental health issue in the way it should be.

My son is gay and autistic and has suffered horrendous bullying at school, being called a fagot etc. and he hasn’t even officially ‘come out’. He’s been suicidal and the school are beyond useless. This is my living nightmare.

I think as a parent you’re incredibly negligent to support this Trans nonsense from such a young age. He’s clearly going to be a walking target and you’ve helped to put him in that position.

I wonder if this is all about you in reality and you just want the attention? I think you both should get some family counselling from properly qualified medical practitioners rather than a quack therapist.

You are an excellent parent @TreeTopple

I feel for you @Sailthisshipalone , and don’t envy you at all.
i fear being in this position.
conflicting advice as to whether to be supportive and understanding to your child and risk colluding in something they might regret and may well do them harm, or challenge them on it and risk alienating them from you and possible harm to their mental health by them feeling alone and misunderstood.
its impossible.

"You can't help any child in any situation by lying to them or over promising things that are unobtainable. Particularly an autistic kid."

I have never lied to the children or families I work with, nor have I promised anything that is unobtainable. All of them have been fully cognisant of their child's sex and what this means. They have also been aware of differences between gender, gender identity and gender expression.

Some of the claims and arguments being made on this thread are based on assumptions that people seem to think are facts.

I feel sad for the OP and sad that there isn't an area on Mumsnet where worried parents can access thoughtful advice and support. And, before any jumps in - this doesn't mean blind affirmation and agreement, it means not making assumptions or treating this personal story as a 'case in point'.

Your child is not going to be 'outed'. Everyone will be able to tell that your child is male. Stating facts isn't bullying.

I'm not at all surprised you child has autism as autistic young people are so vulnerable to this very harmful ideology. Affirming and allowing social transition at age 9 is not good parenting and I really feel for your child, you needed to talk, explain and actually parent, not lie.

You won't stop kids 'gossiping' or rather talking about the fact you're child is posing as a girl. Children need facts and are right to point out when they're being lied to, it is harmful and confusing to everyone.

Bullying isn't acceptable and hopefully, if any occurs, the school will deal with it well. You've opened him up to more bullying by going along with social transition though. Hopefully your child will see sense if they're exposed to less affirming opinions because if he doesn't, there could be a lot more issues ahead. It's so sad this is happening.

There were no 'trans children' 30 years ago. It's been invented very recently.

I also gate the fact that it puts pressure on other children to go along with the lies and delusion. My niece is also autistic and has to go along with calling boys 'she' and girls 'he' and other children 'they' as she'll get into trouble for misgendering. How is that fair on any child, nevermind an autistic one who it makes little sense to. It causes huge anxiety and confusion.

This gender stuff is so bloody damaging.