SIL is 24 and is possibly trans. Should I tell her mother?

[literaryloveaffair]

I found SIL's posts on reddit and it turns out she is considering undergoing operations to become a man (except she has no money so possibly wouldn't do anything). She is v socially isolated, earns 400-1200 pounds online writing online but otherwise stays in her room all day, is fairly nocturnal, dropped out of school. Diagnosed with ADD and aspergers as a teen but family ignored the diagnosis. She is an adult but is v dependent on her mum and i consider her vulnerable.

Should i tell her mother? I think it would be very detrimental if she found out i read her posts online and she would explode. Not sure if I could trust her mum to keep a secret. In addition mum hasn't really done anything re her other aspergers and ADD so maybe not much point knowing. but I think if I was her mum I would want to know.

Thanks all.

If they haven’t done anything about the Asperger’s etc then they won’t do anything now. I wouldn’t.

Why would you tell her mum? That’s none of your business to share. She’s 24, an adult who can make their own decisions.

I wouldn't.

What do you think the mum would do?

I'd be very nervous of making her feel more isolated and alone.

This. Unfortunately.

She is from a very religious conservative background though my DH and another sister are no longer religious but MIL still loves them and treats them the same. But SIL has raised in her posts she is worried she would embarrass her mother if she 'came out'. Knowing my MIL i feel this is unfounded, MIL cares more about her childre than what other people think.

@literaryloveaffair

what does your DH think?

if you have talked to him about it, why not?

No, stay out of it.

Not your information to share.

Plus if she is conservative and religious you have no clue how she would react. It could be extremely detrimental.

What would you hope would happen?

Why would you tell her mum? She’s clearly not going to be a source of support for her dd and she will probably tell her dd that you read her posts which won’t be good for your relationship with that side of the family.

I agree that you should pretend that you haven’t read the posts. There’s a high correlation between having ASD and considering becoming trans and I’d be hoping that she had support even if it’s just someone more neutral online.

she is v dependent on her mother. I agree its her decision, but perhaps if her mum knew she was going through this, she could be more supportive?

You want to out someone to their parents? That's awful.

He knows all about it. He isn't sure either. He is leaning towards telling his mum tbh, he feels she should know.

It's none of your business, and no dressing it up as the usual female 'concern' to justify when someone is sticking their nose in because they have decided they have too does not excuse is

Why should her mum know?

This is pretty shocking to me. You can't out people like that.

You do not out anyone. Ever. It is not your information to share. If you want to offer sil support, speak to her. Otherwise, do nothing.

I’d agree that it feels intrusive to tel her mum, although I can see you are considering it out of care for her. Would you speak to her?

in other situations yes but DH and i would probably be responsible for her once her mum passes on. there is no plan for her so i think it would probably fall to us.

It is thus in our interest to make sure she doesn't deteriorate any further. her isolating herself further isn't that good.

You should tell no one.

'Outing' a trans person before they are ready can have serious consequences. Aside from which, it's not your business.

You can continue to justify it as much as you want, it's none of your business

Absolutely not- it's not for you to get involved at all! Mind your business

Because one day her mum will die you want to out her as trans?

I hate Reddit but it sounds like she is talking to some people at least.

How did you happen to find her threads? Were they on a trans support board?

How did you find her posts on Reddit?

You definitely shouldn't tell her mum, it is for her to choose to if and when she wants.
Maybe though, you could speak to SIL and say that you have come across her posts and make sure she's ok and offer her some help or just someone to actually talk to

Currently its all theoretical, the posts could be attention seeking rather than strongly feeling that way. She could be questioning and end up happy as she is. If you tell her mother she may feel backed into a corner and think she has to go through with it. Just be a friend and let her know you are there if she ever needs someone to talk to about anything.

Probably best not to say anything.

but it’s interesting that she has Asperger’s- there is apparently a link between it and gender dysphoria - particularly in girls.

If she wants to explore it, she needs to get advice and support. Any way you or your brother could get her to talk to you about this?