SIL is 24 and is possibly trans. Should I tell her mother?

[literaryloveaffair]

I found SIL's posts on reddit and it turns out she is considering undergoing operations to become a man (except she has no money so possibly wouldn't do anything). She is v socially isolated, earns 400-1200 pounds online writing online but otherwise stays in her room all day, is fairly nocturnal, dropped out of school. Diagnosed with ADD and aspergers as a teen but family ignored the diagnosis. She is an adult but is v dependent on her mum and i consider her vulnerable.

Should i tell her mother? I think it would be very detrimental if she found out i read her posts online and she would explode. Not sure if I could trust her mum to keep a secret. In addition mum hasn't really done anything re her other aspergers and ADD so maybe not much point knowing. but I think if I was her mum I would want to know.

Thanks all.

Forget about the trans stuff for now and concentrate on finding ways for her to become less isolated and dependent on her mum.
Do you ever take her out to do things? Invite her round to yours for casual evenings of food, chat and board games?
If you are the poster I think you are you have written posts about her before (one about Hanukkah gifts) and it sounded then that this poor girl needed more independence, confidence and to be away from her mother more.
The trans idea could be more that she is trying to find a way to escape being her mother's daughter. Or she could actually be trans.
What she really needs is a loving and friendly sister in law who can help her find her way in the world - away from her mother.

There is no way you can justify what you want to do. Even if her mother wasnt religious and conservative it still wouldn't be ok. It's her body, her life, her medical information and none of your business. If you are concerned you or DH or both could offer her support directly that's it. I would never speak to my brother or SIL ever again if they did this to me.

Obviously not OP
Stay out of her business

she has deteriorated even further since that point sadly, it is almost impossible to get her out of the house nowadays. Or even for meal times a lot of the time.

We have tried to invite her but she has often cancelled on us. The closest person is her mum so while its probably not a good idea to tell her mum, i think that this situation will only get worse.

she has deteriorated even further since that point sadly, it is almost impossible to get her out of the house nowadays. Or even for meal times a lot of the time.

Well then clearly she is never going to have surgery is she. That alongside the lack of money pretty much guarantees it. Which you know. So why exactly do you feel the need to tell her mother about what are effectively her fantasies?

Quite happy to keep your beak out over her MH issues. But trans - ooh no must get everyone involved. FFS

@literaryloveaffair it sounds difficult. Definitely do not talk to her mother about this. Focus on the other issues. If you went to her to spend time with her (for example cook a meal together or something) at her home - rather than inviting her to yours - would she be up for that?

If you do this you may never have a relationship with her again. It is cruel, unnecessary, and vile.

She may not even be trans. None of that matters though because it's none of your business.

Do you know any one who has been outed? Do you have any lgbtq people in your life? Ask them how they would feel? There can be dire consequences and I can't really spell it out more clearly than that. These things can cause life and death situations.

Talk to MIL. Tell her you are worried that sil is vulnerable, isolated, not managing life. She needs to be encouraged and supported to live life, make friends, have interests, leave the house, earn a living, look after herself, and if she's not doing those things she will need to be scaffolded to start. Her autism may be highly relevant to all that so mil will have to learn about it, it may not be.
What's your own relationship like with sil? Can you help her to engage with the real world and stand on her own feet a bit more?

Can you explain what you mean when you say that MIL cares about her children, but has ignored your SILs ADD and autism, which clearly impact her quality of life? Like, I don't really understand how you can claim to care about your child but then ignore their disabilities and not engage in disability specific support for them...

But no, don't tell her - your SIL will never trust you again, and as she is a vulnerable adult, that's a really big problem to have if you expect to be supporting her in the future.

if her mum calls her 3 times before i come, she usually does. otherwise its difficult

I think You may only want to share this so you are not responsible ? I understand you don’t want her to be alone in this, but by sharing this information you run the risk of her shutting down further.

reddit may be her only form of communication, if you take this away from her and making her life worse. Maybe dh or you spend some time with her, start off with 10 minutes in her room and build up from there. Be her friend and she might open up to you. If you are going to be her support in the future then you need a good relationship with her anyway.

I know it’s tough op, but I really don’t think outing her is a good thing

@literaryloveaffair I do wonder if a lot of the trans talk is just fantasy for her.
If I remember correctly your mother in law is Orthodox which has a lot of rules for women. She quite possibly thinks that being a man would give her more "freedom".
From what you say she wouldn't be able to get surgery. No doctor would even consider it.
(I am in no way a qualified expert on this....I am just giving an idea)

you’re asking whether you should out someone? that’s disgusting of you to even consider tbh

Like they supported her with her diagnosis of ADD and aspergers as a teen (but family ignored the diagnosis)

i have talked to her and told by MIL she is improving. Maybe thats why i even got the idea of telling MIL in the first place because MIL thinks whatever she is doing is working and it is clearly not working if her daughter can't even confide that she is trans to her!

Like i said, i can't do much as i am not her parent but its probably not good that her sole caregiver thinks that she is improving. She is throwing more tantrums (including tantrums about what happened in her childhood) which apparently is her opening up. DH and I went to visit her and got shouted at by her for approximately 3 hours. the thing is that I am used to it.

It is absolutely not your business to out someone, you need to stop reading her posts and back off.

also if they’ve done nothing to support the adhd or autism why would they start now with support

Would you out her if you thought she was gay? Or is it because she might be trans?

I don't get your thought process.

You're used to her yelling at you for three hours? Her mum thinks she's improving even though she's not, but somehow the trans posts are going to make the mum a better mum?

No if she was gay, i wouldn't say anything. Its because she is considering surgeries and even moving country, which is why i think MIL should know.

a year ago, she was talking about going for further studies in the country her grandpa lives in. i remember raising some questions, she isn't that great at that language, her grandpa is quite elderly so where would she stay if that grandpa passes on in the middle of her course. Her mum was v supportive.

but then there is a reddit post from around that time where she wanted to get surgery in that country as its possibly cheaper than the uk. Its just stuff like that, i think cos being trans means that you are doing things that are possibly permanent.

@literaryloveaffair if she shouted at you for 3 hours then this poor girl is crying out for help and support. Not about trans - but life.
Does she and her mother attend Temple? Is there a youth support worker there (I know she is slightly older than "youth" but she is being treated like a child by her mum) that can give advice and support and signpost you towards a community based support group or activity group.
Does she accept (know?) she is autistic?

It really is none of your business.

I'm curious as to how you "found" her posts on Reddit. You must have been doing some serious snooping.

@literaryloveaffair if she barely leaves her room (and won't even come round to your house) I doubt she will be travelling to another country any time soon.

I'll ask again.

How did you find her posts?

It sounds to me like she has a lot more going on than maybe being trans.

Not sure why this would be the issue to bring up with her mum.

Who can't your DH sit down with his mum and tell her his sister is clearly unwell and needs support.

Why is being trans the big issue here?

she does go abroad to visit family. She will stay at their houses and not go out. she can make it to the airport in time lol after a lot of shouting from mum. But airplane tickets are expensive so i think she understands the gravity of getting on a plane in time.

She has always travelled several times a year since she was a baby so i suppose used to it.

We have sat down with her multiple times. MIL says she is doing fine and living with her and has an income. Quite common nowadays for 20 somethings to live at home etc. MIL says she is gettiing better. I have suggested volunteer work, MIL says she can't get anyway on time and that she isn't ready for a job. Her getting a job is just setting her up for failure. MIL seems to think that having a job means lots of deadlines and pressure and that this would cause her mental health to go downhill.

She mentioned yesterday that she posted something on a particular thread on reddit. I look at it and then you can see all the other posts from the OP.

I am concerned she might do life altering decisions when she is clearly unwell.