SIL is 24 and is possibly trans. Should I tell her mother?

[literaryloveaffair]

I found SIL's posts on reddit and it turns out she is considering undergoing operations to become a man (except she has no money so possibly wouldn't do anything). She is v socially isolated, earns 400-1200 pounds online writing online but otherwise stays in her room all day, is fairly nocturnal, dropped out of school. Diagnosed with ADD and aspergers as a teen but family ignored the diagnosis. She is an adult but is v dependent on her mum and i consider her vulnerable.

Should i tell her mother? I think it would be very detrimental if she found out i read her posts online and she would explode. Not sure if I could trust her mum to keep a secret. In addition mum hasn't really done anything re her other aspergers and ADD so maybe not much point knowing. but I think if I was her mum I would want to know.

Thanks all.

This. This is all you are allowed to say to her mum and still be a decent human being. If her mum doesn’t support her when you say this (quite likely given they haven’t supported over her diagnoses) then they are NOT going to swing into support mode over her being trans. She is obviously very unhappy, who knows if she is trans. She needs help and people who care.

I have said all this. And over quite a few years. DH has said it too.

Then why would she change and suddenly care if her daughter is trans?

She doesn't care that she's mentally unwell and unhappy.

Why do you think the trans part would make an impact?

Im sorry if you've said already, but does she live with her mum?

Yes.

She is very vulnerable and isolated and is considering life changing surgeries and a lifetime of medication. Of course OP is concerned and feels like this is something that the adult that SIL is dependent upon should know. It's not remotely the same as her being gay, on any level.

I'd be massively worried too, OP. Unfortunately I think if her mum doesn't even acknowledge her ASD then she's unlikely to do anything to support her DD with this.

Cos mental health/happiness is hard to quantify.

Living with parents is very common in the UK esp for a 24 year old. Low income isn't necessarily a danger sign as MIL too has a low income and many 'creatives' also have low incomes.

Staying in room all day- MIL thinks its cos she writes better in the night and hence logical for her to sleep all day. It does bother her that she can't get anyway on time, but punctuality is hardly a flaw unique to her.

Not having friends- MIL feels she has a lot of friends online.

its not that MIL doesn't care, she wants to love and support her children, she just doesn't have very high standards for anyone and tends to explain away any defects they have. Like a SIL's boyfriend's racism - she chalked it down to bullying and his lack of a job or internships and still being in education at the age of 33, she chalked it down to him being on the 'slow track'. She does it even more for her own children and she explains away SIL's social isolation and lack of her job.

I wouldn't tell her about the trans thing now as thinking about it, i don't think it would make a big enough impact on her.

she is talking about getting a phallo. how much it costs. moving to another country. it feels like its real, not just saying maybe .

She has no money and barely leaves her room.
Her possibly being trans should be very low on the list of things affecting this girl's future.

And being trans is different from being gay but we shouldn't out people for either. It's not ok to out someone.

So you’re a gossip? She’s an adult she can talk to her mum if she wants to.

If someone found my posts about moving country or having a baby or leaving my husband and talked to my mum about it I’d be livid. What right do you have to say anything?

Just to add to above advice, you saying she’s nocturnal and writes online to earn her living- writing and nighttime and being antisocial definitely go hand in hand, even if she is diagnosed us writing community are everything you describe!! I would also talk to her about it all, sad her family are strict, must be very difficult

"She is very vulnerable and isolated and is considering life changing surgeries and a lifetime of medication. "

This. What she is considering is permanent damage to her health and unfortunately her online "friends" will simply cheer her out without any real evaluation of whether this is the right thing for her or if she will regret it later on. You shouldnt out her but her mother probably has no idea of how harmful having only online "friends" can be.

You could ask her mother if she is aware of the high number of young women on the autistic spectrum who are being encouraged online to transition and how damaging this can be to their health. You could talk about the risks of online "friends" and how young people can be groomed.

This young woman really needs to talk to a counsellor who will not simply affirm and will try to help her address her problems.

Not sure about this. If it were a child I'd tell the parent if I found out they were considering irreversible surgery that may or may not help them and that would certainly have very serious side effects.

Normally it's very different in the case of an adult, but OP says SIL is vulnerable and she seems to require the care and support of another adult (OP says this will probably eventually fall to her and DH). Presumably this means she is unable to live independently at the moment, at least not without considerable support.
So it's not so simple I think.

You are presumably an adult who doesn't need your mum to remind you to pack your luggage and who is dependent on your mum and isn't a vulnerable person?

I am not saying I will say anything as I am not sure her mum will act differently.

What?? She's an adult, hasn't even told you this herself and you're wondering whether to out her to her to her (very conservative) mother? Why would you even consider this?

Her mum is conservative but quite permissive with her own kids. I know she would not do anything drastic. Mil thinks she is getting better cos she is throwing more tantrums and expressing herself but from the posts online not sure about that. So MIL is continuing with whatever she is doing.

I know that sil is concerned she would embarrass her mother if she came out but I think that should be the least of her worries. It can't be healthy bottling up everything like that.

Mind your business. Why are you looking up what she posts on Reddit? She is entitled to privacy and its nobody's business what she writes or even how truthful it is.

@literaryloveaffair its so hard isn't it, its even harder when you don't know the people involved.

is there anyone SIL would listen to that you could tell?

their Mum doesn't sound like the greatest person to deal with it.

I don't think I can tell anyone but keep it to ourselves. Nothing will be done. Sil will get worse, not the trans thing but the other stuff

Have raised the other stuff in the past with her mum. Does not do anything.

DH has the idea of trying to make sil less anxious. Sending her nice messages, bringing her out. The trouble is she kinda hates him because she feels he excluded her when they were children. She has a lot of trauma from that. So a lot of the times it will degenerate into a shouting match about some perceived disagreement. The only people she really likes is her mother and grandfather cos they give in to her and look after her a lot, my MIL treads on eggshells around her. DH is apparently responsible for many of her life's problems. So are the other siblings but they aren't around to be the punching bag. I used to be liked but she had this habit of downgrading people once she knows them better. I am ranked higher than the brother in law who hosted her for a month as she screamed at him that he was causing a rift in the family (when his wife was 1 week away from giving birth, no less). When he first joined the family, she was his biggest fan. To be fair he isn't the nicest person but screaming at him in his own home is OTT and honestly it's his views that are objectionable not him as a person. I am generally not given so much grief cos I bribe her a lot, but I am not treated well. Her new favourite is SIL's new boyfriend who talks to her. But he would be downgraded without doubt within a few years.

I bought her her favourite drink yesterday and she still screamed at us for 3 hours (think I may have gotten the flavour wrong though).

If that’s how she feels I don’t see how being outed would put her at ease or make her feel supported. Please don’t blindside her like this.

@literaryloveaffair

bloody hell, that's a bit of a minefield isn't it.

they all sound dysfunctional & that's being polite. I think you are probably best detaching from the mess and living your separate lives, very low contact.

The entire family clearly have many issues.

Not sure why her potential transness would even be on your radar given all the above.

Tricky but if my child was struggling mentally like this I would want to know. If they were posting about any other form of body dysphoria, eating disorders, self harming, discussing suicide etc id want to know, It’s much the same

We only see the rest of the family once a year as they live abroad. DH wants to be close to his mum but that involves sil. Actually one thing I realized from the reddit posts is that even though she shouts at him a lot he may be her main form of real life contact cos she talks about him the most, talks about things he says. She may not even talk to her mum that much even though they live together as she hides in her room when she isn't there.

I think her mum is being lulled into a sense that this is normal and her daughter is fine as she is.

As for the other daughters, they are quite normal but I think the dynamics is difficult at the moment as they are both under a lot of stress.. They also didn't pick the most supportive partners.

Nope. Hard disagree and I stand by my original comment.

This is nothing to do with outing anyone. It's about protecting a vulnerable adult who is dependent on her mother in everyday life from making massive decisions about life-changing surgery and lifelong medication without proper guidance and support.