DS trans - I am GC - how to talk and avoid conflict

[Inapickleiam]

Hi, name changed for this for obvious reasons.

DS has been at Uni for a year. Had a great time. Told me at Christmas he is, I think, pansexual, i.e. attracted to a person, could be boy, girl, whatever. This didn’t bother / surprise me. He now has a GF who is trans.

This summer a few things have been different and I had a suspicion he might be planning to say he is trans too and some other things have now occurred that have confirmed this suspicion & he is now using a female name at Uni.

We haven’t spoken about it so I want to get my thoughts and words straight. I am GC, he knows that, we have argued about it before.

Maybe we won’t speak about it, he will be a girl a Uni and stay the same at home & maybe this is for the best?

Ultimately I love and adore him and really don’t want there to be issues between us. I would struggle to accept calling him anything other than a man, because I just don’t ‘believe’ it. My biggest fear is medical intervention and doing anything that is permanent or might damage him. Secondary fears are the consequences to his family, career, relationships, plus, I guess, a belief that it is a fad, a trend, he is going along with the crowd, he doesn’t actually have a medical condition of gender disphoria. I am also acutely aware that the trans community is very welcoming and almost encourages estrangement from disapproving parents and I desperately do not want this to happen to us but fear if I fully expressed my views, I would be pushing him into the arms of this, well, it feels like a cult.

So, I think I am looking for advice on how to tackle these conversations.

Please help, I have read this back and know I sound fairly calm but actually, I am having palpitations and sleepiness nights over this!

thanks.

The trouble with people identifying as the opposite sex (or no sex at all) is that they are only happy within their very small bubble of friends. They can only be happy in real life if the whole world agrees with them that they are the opposite sex. This is why TRAs try so hard to silence anyone who disagrees.

I cannot see how your son can lead a happy life OP.

Having been through something similar when my own autistic DC was 16/17 I just allowed the female name to be used without commenting, offered to look into makeup lessons etc if he wanted. And made absolutely no effort to get any counselling or medical support of any kind. This was because luckily my son was and is not only autistic but has severe social anxiety, and he would have needed my support to access such services. Still would. So I quietly kept him away from them, because I knew they would just affirm him and facilitate a transition. I know my son, I remember his toddler hood and childhood, he never showed the slightest modicum of gender distress.

It was Japanese anime style pornography that led to his confusion, and that of a lot of young men like him, I suspect- there is a big animated porn market, including what are known as "traps" which is where a "female" character is suddenly revealed to have a giant penis. The titillation, shame and confusion this engenders in our kids at a young age during masturbation I am sure contributes to autistic young men thinking they are trans. (Look up "princess Claire" for a prime example of this style of animated porn using traps.). Hence all the anime avatars on twitter etc....

Long story short, he desisted. Was identifying as a "demiboy" for a while, but now seems, at 23, to realise he is just an autistic man.

Oh, princess Claire is no longer. That's good :)

I'm fascinated to know why you think there's a difference between identifying as 12 and identifying as the opposite sex. I really am. I mean, it might irk you as an argument but I've never seen an answer to it that isn't some version of sticking fingers in ears and going 'Lalala I can't hear you!' or 'Lolz' or indeed- Yawn.

Wrong thread!

Google

I think you approach this very gently if you mess this up you are in danger of becoming estranged. You are entitled to your views but he is entitled to his and his own life. This isn't actually about you , you can only control your response to it

Be honest in as much as you say you are having difficulty processing this but you are trying. Call him by whatever pronoun he wishes to use. Or develop an affectionate name. ... " "would you like a coffee love? "

Don't forget lots of love and hugs

Although in the trans community eyes it would make them lesbians. Confusing isn't it

@GodessOfThunder you sound like a homophobe. Lesbians are homosexual women, women who want relationships with other females.

Females. Biological sex.
They are same sex attracted.

You sound like a bad 70s homophobic joke.

There are trans women who are gay - ie they are lesbians.

Trans women who are attracted to other women are heterosexual. Penis plus vagina equals straight.

There are trans women who are gay - ie they are lesbians.

No, male people aren't lesbians.

Doesn't that make him and his GF gay males?

Yes, gay or bisexual males.

So I did Google. Turns out Google supports the gender critical argument so..

This is very interesting.

My 22 year old autistic son identifies as non-binary. They asked to be referred to as they/them.

There is a girlfriend (bio female) now and it seems to have less legs.

I have never judged, tried to alter this decision. Just worked hard to be supportive.

Japanese anime was a huge interest for a long time. I naively thought they were comics until I went through one. I have never given any thought about its impact. Between that and university student obsession with a label I am pretty sure this is a phase. Not that I would say that out loud.

@GodessOfThunder no.

Males cannot be lesbians.
It is homophobic.

Hi I completely understand that this would be something you would be worried about every parent worries regardless on their views. I think ultimately though it's their life and you just need to accept them for who they are, I'm sure your views wouldn't be more important to you than having them In your life, if they were I'm sure you wouldn't even be reaching out here. It's ok for things to take time for you but just remember that this is their experience and they aren't to be the one guiding you through It. I'm not sure where you are but there are some excellent support groups in the Glasgow area for parents with trans kids and also joint groups so that you can go together and be open and honest in a safe environment which might be a bit easier than at home having these conversations.

I really understand not wanting a relationship with parents who won't accept you I myself am Bi and had to have the awkward coming out chat as a teen, it really did effect my relationship with my parents for a while however they came around and now we have a great relationship, I couldn't have them in my life or my partners life if they weren't though.

I hope that you manage to really have some positive conversations with your child and that you both grow from this together.

How come?

Are you a parent? If not, come back when you are.

This is not the case regarding my son. He had a baby doll. He had a buggy. He had toy cleaning materials and a toy kitchen. He had access to a full range of dressing up clothes esp at nursery where we often saw little boys dressed as princesses. My son never bothered but he certainly could have. His brother often appeared dressed as Cinderella at the end of the day. He had a pop up play house to play in.

His favourite toys as a toddler were his trains by a very long margin. He made train tracks all around the house. He loved Thomas the tank engine. He quite liked dinosaurs. We visited Santa and given a room full of shelves of "gendered" toys to choose from, he chose a bag of dinosaurs. His little brother chose a dolly to zero negative reaction.

My son, as a significantly autistic male, has never "felt an obligation to perform the sort of child we wanted". He has never cared what others think or what others want from him. I am not suggesting that this is the case for all autistics but it is for my son (unless he somehow got the message from us that we wanted him to refuse to go to school beyond the age of 16, refuse to wash, refuse to carry a mobile phone under any circumstances, and to spend 95 percent of his time laying in bed playing computer games).

My son showed no discomfort with being a boy. We didn't care what sort of boy he was. His brother is effeminate and was from toddlerhood. He was not. Both are loved and accepted. We parents recall our children's earliest years better than they do. Sorry if that doesn't fit with your revisionism.

If you are telling me that my son showing complete lack of concern about being male as an autistic two year was really him suppressing his real female self because he somehow realized that I wanted him to be a masculine boy and oppressed his feminity out of him (while not doing it to his brother) - showing a far greater understanding and reading of other humans as a baby and toddler, than he can now do as a fully grown adult - then you are talking bollocks, frankly.

Yes I remember his early years better than he does. I don't know him as an adult better than he knows himself, but that isn't your argument, is it? It's that he realized very early that we disapproved of him "really being a girl" and suppressed it. Yeah, nah.

Incidentally he is once again a perfectly happy autistic man (who has long hair) and has been for the last 5 years. So looks like I was right.

So you're gay? Well done.