DS trans - I am GC - how to talk and avoid conflict

[Inapickleiam]

Hi, name changed for this for obvious reasons.

DS has been at Uni for a year. Had a great time. Told me at Christmas he is, I think, pansexual, i.e. attracted to a person, could be boy, girl, whatever. This didn’t bother / surprise me. He now has a GF who is trans.

This summer a few things have been different and I had a suspicion he might be planning to say he is trans too and some other things have now occurred that have confirmed this suspicion & he is now using a female name at Uni.

We haven’t spoken about it so I want to get my thoughts and words straight. I am GC, he knows that, we have argued about it before.

Maybe we won’t speak about it, he will be a girl a Uni and stay the same at home & maybe this is for the best?

Ultimately I love and adore him and really don’t want there to be issues between us. I would struggle to accept calling him anything other than a man, because I just don’t ‘believe’ it. My biggest fear is medical intervention and doing anything that is permanent or might damage him. Secondary fears are the consequences to his family, career, relationships, plus, I guess, a belief that it is a fad, a trend, he is going along with the crowd, he doesn’t actually have a medical condition of gender disphoria. I am also acutely aware that the trans community is very welcoming and almost encourages estrangement from disapproving parents and I desperately do not want this to happen to us but fear if I fully expressed my views, I would be pushing him into the arms of this, well, it feels like a cult.

So, I think I am looking for advice on how to tackle these conversations.

Please help, I have read this back and know I sound fairly calm but actually, I am having palpitations and sleepiness nights over this!

thanks.

OP we're in a very similar situation, I don't have any easy answers and for the most part don't talk to DS about it because I find it very difficult to do so without getting upset and angry. He's not interested in listening to alternative perspectives so there's no point in discussing it. I've been reading "How to have impossible conversations" by James Lindsay and Peter Bogosshian which has helpful ideas but in the heat of the moment I stuggle to remember to keep calm!

My DS has anxiety and depression and seems to think they can be solved by taking hormones. My view is that, as he's an adult, I can't stop him but he has to take responsibilty for it and that decision won't be supported by me. I support him in all other aspects of his life but I don't believe that will solve his problems and it will have some very significant side effects. I've had support from the Gender Dysphoria Support Network, Genspect and subscibe to Parents with Inconvenient Truths about Trans.

just tell him that you love him regardless of how he identifies. I personally wouldn’t get into discussions with him but would ask him to access therapy to talk his feelings through before having any medical input.

Being trans is nothing to do with who you are attracted to. He is not gay.

Don't communicate your GC views, they aren't relevant and I doubt he wants to hear them. Just be supportive. Hope it works out ok for you both.

Well the person he is dating is biologically male so he is gay.

So plan A is currently to remind him I love him and say I want to just listen to him for now.

Keep it simple will help avoid going wrong.

@Oldermum84 he's in a relationship with another man. Of course he's gay or bisexual.

Or are you trying to say two men with penises having sex are lesbians if they wear dresses and grow their hair?

I think that sounds like a good idea. And contact Bayswater support.

If they are both trans women they would say they are lesbian. Whatever you do don’t make the mistake of calling the GF male and gay.

I’ve been reading a book called Mad Honey that’s been really interesting to me. Dd and I have had some good discussions over it. It’s written by a trans activist and covers a lot of different issues - have a google. It’s fairly mainstream fiction and a bit eye roll ish in places for many reasons but worth a look.

This is exactly what lots would say, yes.

Oh, ffs, use Google

I am a trans ally but do genuinely understand those with GC views. I would just urge you to respect and support your child through this journey. It is unlikely that you would be able to “talk” them out of it. Maybe meet in the middle and respect their pronouns/ gender identity as much as is possible and in return stipulate that they must seek professional support through this identity journey. If they decide to pursue medical interventions (hormonal or possibly surgical) they need will undergo a lot therapy and assessment before hand so if truly is a “fad”/phase unlikely they will go through with it. Everyone in their early 20s is experimenting with their identity- you need to allow this irrespective of your own views or else risk losing them forever.

@Xrays - well frankly I find that massively misogynistic. And homophobic to boot.

How is it that homophobia is okay now?

Oh Op this is difficult and I think you are already doing a great job.

What a shame that it's not enough for 2 young men to be in a gay relationship any more. I think you just need to put your listening ears on and hope that this, identity issue, will pass. They should be able to love each other just as they are without needing the trans thing but kids are being given such strange messages about identity these days.

I'd try to just keep your son close to you for now and try to put your GC thoughts to the back of your mind and hope that it does pass as you are bound to unintentionally put your foot in it and young people are being encouraged to remove themselves from family relations for even the most minor mistake on the part of the parents.

It's in the OP that he is pansexual.

You said he was pansexual?

I think it is a bit like a cult and a bit like deliberately pissing off the older generation, it’s as old as time, thus kind of rebellion

so in itself it is normal. in the 60s it was long hair on men, being a hippie, and in 2023 it’s sexuality and gender.

the way I would deal with this, and it may well happen to one of my teens, is to be calm and accepting and not making a big deal out of it: that’s wonderful dear, do you fancy a biscuit with your coffee?

bot in a sarcastic way, just being cool about it and not making the big drama (they think) it warrants.

it’s the only way, especially at 20

I suppose I was thinking being gay is a subset of pansexual but perhaps not! This is why I need to stay quiet and just listen!

Yeah @Oldermum84 - pansexual = bisexual.

Humans come in two flavours: the penis kind and the vagina kind.

I have thought about my ds telling me this, but it hasn't happened yet

He's an adult. He's your son. Listen, and prioritise your relationship. I have friends with adult children doing this. Tbh there is usually some form of additional vulnerability going on. Which means he needs you now more than ever, even if you can't 'save' him. My cousin spends a lot of time supporting his daughter, and I know for sure he does more for her than the bloody surgeon who removed her breasts. Ultimately I think their relationship is stronger for his continuing love.

He's still the same person and always will be. Don't try and impose your views on him. Fight on the political side as much as you like but don't fight him.

I would agree, keep literally all your thoughts to yourself if you don't want to alienate her. If she knows you are GC then your relationship is already at risk. Jump into acceptance with both feet, use the new name- or at least offer to. Your political opinions cannot override your relationship with your child.

I have a trans child and also GC, in the main.
When my child lived at home we did have discussions but I kept them general and theoretical and tried to make sure I was respectful in listening to their views and feelings.
They left home for Uni, and things were ok for a while. In the final year they were distant and then went no contact with us for a few months. I’m pretty sure there were other mental health issues going on, and it hurt to be excluded.
I reached out many times and eventually our relationship has regrown. I’m not sure why it broke down exactly and I’m not sure that’s an avenue worth pursuing.

I call them by their preferred pronouns and use their new name. I have welcomed their partner. They seem happier having hormone treatment and living their life now.

I have learned that I do not need to share my opinion all the time and that I can listen without judgement even when I disagree.

We avoid theoretical conversations these days, but my mind has been partially changed. I’m not wary of most trans people, I’m wary of people who use this as a weapon against women. That’s not the majority of trans people just trying to live their lives and be happy.

Ultimately, I love my child and I want them to know this. I hope they do.

Op to be really really honest everyone acting like show your child you love them but talk him around- surely you can hear how crazy that sounds? If you had spoken to your parents about something huge in your life and they had said ‘I love you but you’re wrong’- would you even have heard the I love you part? I think you need to talk this through with your child but also with someone in real life that you can talk to, as opposed to on an internet platform. For the sake of not alienating someone who needs as many in their corner as possible

It’s funny that they only plan to cut contact when they’ve finished Uni. I guess you don’t cut off your financial crutch though do you?

I don't think anyone is suggesting trying to talk him round, I know that isn't possible.
I also have no intention of saying I love you but you're wrong.

It's hard to talk in real life. This thread has been helpful, as have some links.