DS trans - I am GC - how to talk and avoid conflict

[Inapickleiam]

Hi, name changed for this for obvious reasons.

DS has been at Uni for a year. Had a great time. Told me at Christmas he is, I think, pansexual, i.e. attracted to a person, could be boy, girl, whatever. This didn’t bother / surprise me. He now has a GF who is trans.

This summer a few things have been different and I had a suspicion he might be planning to say he is trans too and some other things have now occurred that have confirmed this suspicion & he is now using a female name at Uni.

We haven’t spoken about it so I want to get my thoughts and words straight. I am GC, he knows that, we have argued about it before.

Maybe we won’t speak about it, he will be a girl a Uni and stay the same at home & maybe this is for the best?

Ultimately I love and adore him and really don’t want there to be issues between us. I would struggle to accept calling him anything other than a man, because I just don’t ‘believe’ it. My biggest fear is medical intervention and doing anything that is permanent or might damage him. Secondary fears are the consequences to his family, career, relationships, plus, I guess, a belief that it is a fad, a trend, he is going along with the crowd, he doesn’t actually have a medical condition of gender disphoria. I am also acutely aware that the trans community is very welcoming and almost encourages estrangement from disapproving parents and I desperately do not want this to happen to us but fear if I fully expressed my views, I would be pushing him into the arms of this, well, it feels like a cult.

So, I think I am looking for advice on how to tackle these conversations.

Please help, I have read this back and know I sound fairly calm but actually, I am having palpitations and sleepiness nights over this!

thanks.

Lots of good studies and info linked from the Billboard Chris website:

https://www.billboardchris.com/the-studies

i will give u advice on how to find a middle ground from somone who is trans ID'ed.
#1 my mom said i didnt have any signs of being trans either but most children dont have a name for dysphoria and will usually dissociate rather than rebel against the feeling. i never did anything girly or wore any girls clothes and still dont cuz the harder u try to be something you're not the more painfully obvious it becomes what you lack.
#2 just accept youre not going to agree on anything, dont discuss anything public policy or trans related.
#3 dont misgender or make any quips about their partner, they probably are more sensitive to that then anything else. you also have to accept that their partner might understand them better than you now, my trans gf understands me on a level that no one can even come close to, but i still love my mom.
#4 you have to acknowledge to them that medicalization could improve his and others lives, obviously it doesnt help some, but if you can't concede basic assertions like that they wont try to talk to you about more sensitive things.
#5 avoid cliches from Internet echo chambers "why cant u just be a feminine man" "its ok to be gay" "its a fetish" they've heard all these before and it will be obvious that you've been looking at impartial sources for advice instead of just focusing on the human aspect.
#6 help them experiment, offer to take them to a nail salon or to go shopping, saying you'll support them as gnc and actually showing them youre not ashamed is a another and it goes along way. you dont have to offer to help them get medicine but it means a lot to someone who never felt ok being feminine to have support.
#7 dont say that trans ppl want estrangement, the number one thing ppl can brag about in trans spaces is supportive parents. and a huge reason a lot of ppl repress their feelings is so there family will still see them as normal. and someone will find it much easier to talk about detransition to someone who didn't say that it was gonna happen before.
#8 just let them explain what being trans means, both gc and trans activists both misrepresent trans ppl for there own reasons and if u can just listen then you'll have an understanding thats actually useful.
hope this helps. :)

I feel for you OP. It's so hard as a parent and the debate is so polarised - there's no middle ground and I see both sides in terms of trans rights and also women's rights. We're going through similar and after tears, rows,hugs and some proper listening we're going for the bumble along together approach but no medical intervention until you're an adult.
God it's been hard (like a bereavement really) and the 'unknowing' has nearly killed me but we've kind of talked it to death and agreed that we've got vvv different generational views but we'll jog along side forever more and see how it pans out!
I wish you love and luck and your offspring too.x

Thats a beautiful post @TimothyTibs

Thanks @TimothyTibs interesting stuff.x

@Madlifebadlife I applaud you - sounds like you're doing a grand job - it's a real can of worms isn't it?
It's easy to have an opinion too until it's you and your child then you're forced to think a bit more deeply.

I would struggle to accept calling him anything other than a man, because I just don’t ‘believe’ it.

That isn’t your choice.

Absolutely this.
I adore my child (who is going through something very similar) but part of my love for her is to discuss, ask questions and make sure in my heart that she’s had extensive therapy before anything irreversible happens. I’ve no idea if it will slow her down but because we currently live in the US and use insurance for healthcare, there are way less barriers for young adults pushing for medicalization (except the financial burden of course which is where she would need our support)

Actually it is. If a man wants to call himself a woman no one else has to buy into that fantasy. Because it is a fantasy.

Its absolutely her choice

Just say “I love you however you present” and leave it at that. Don’t feel you have to change your child; you will lose out.

Is it possible to believe that yes, men are biologically male and women biologically female but at the same time, not view gendering as problematic? Ie: calling men men ans women women is ok?

We have no issue accepting the carer of an adopted child as its “parent” even though they are not biologically. All you have to do is adopt the same thinking: your DS now identifies as a woman. Simples.

they are lesbians, no?

Not unless language doesn't matter.

But it does. So, no. It's not possible.

No.

Lesbians are women. They're both men, so they're gay/bi.

Not simples. No man can be a woman. Ever.

And before the identity of gay existed they would have been referred to as sodomites. Identities change and evolve. You’ve probably had a few yourself.

You can believe that but still recognise the child as a woman as we do with adoptive parents

But if their gender identity is female then we should refer to them as lesbians

Why?

If I identify as 12 year old, would you call me a child, even though I'm clearly not?

Boring.

It is, isn't it. Biology seems so simple and yet so many people completely unable to understand how it works.

Do ask if you've anymore questions. So important to keep a dialogue open.

Both age and sex are biological facts.

yawn

Know your worth I would say. You are his mum, you’ve known him all of his life and love him and care for him.

What I’ve seen with some parents is that there is much more of a pull away ‘your parents don’t understand you’ than if say he was coming out as gay. There will be a lot of ‘testing’ of you.

However just that inner strength, knowing that you are really still a rock for him, is really important. The tendency will be from him I guess to throw out a lot of stuff to show how little you understand, how out of date you are etc etc.

But you are not. Randoms from the internet ideological groups, with their narrow group think, do not know your son better than you do.