DS trans - I am GC - how to talk and avoid conflict

[Inapickleiam]

Hi, name changed for this for obvious reasons.

DS has been at Uni for a year. Had a great time. Told me at Christmas he is, I think, pansexual, i.e. attracted to a person, could be boy, girl, whatever. This didn’t bother / surprise me. He now has a GF who is trans.

This summer a few things have been different and I had a suspicion he might be planning to say he is trans too and some other things have now occurred that have confirmed this suspicion & he is now using a female name at Uni.

We haven’t spoken about it so I want to get my thoughts and words straight. I am GC, he knows that, we have argued about it before.

Maybe we won’t speak about it, he will be a girl a Uni and stay the same at home & maybe this is for the best?

Ultimately I love and adore him and really don’t want there to be issues between us. I would struggle to accept calling him anything other than a man, because I just don’t ‘believe’ it. My biggest fear is medical intervention and doing anything that is permanent or might damage him. Secondary fears are the consequences to his family, career, relationships, plus, I guess, a belief that it is a fad, a trend, he is going along with the crowd, he doesn’t actually have a medical condition of gender disphoria. I am also acutely aware that the trans community is very welcoming and almost encourages estrangement from disapproving parents and I desperately do not want this to happen to us but fear if I fully expressed my views, I would be pushing him into the arms of this, well, it feels like a cult.

So, I think I am looking for advice on how to tackle these conversations.

Please help, I have read this back and know I sound fairly calm but actually, I am having palpitations and sleepiness nights over this!

thanks.

But it doesn't mean anything. Because there is no definable 'feeling' to being a man or woman (o boy or girl). There's a biological reality to his sex.

Of course you want to support your son but surely the support to undergo life-changing medical treatment should be based on more than feelings?

Aren't you a bit concerned that all your daughter's friends are boys who have been drugging themselves for years @Xrays?

@AccidentallyWesAnderson he is doing. He tells me he is writing to his MP as there was recent talks of having gender neutral toilets in all new buildings but Rishi Sunak wouldn’t pass it through. Whether there are stats or not - my son gets daily abuse at school for using boys toilets and he hasn’t even come out to anyone yet as being trans. He must look “feminine” enough to cause the abuse.

He is not gay.

He's a male who's sleeping with someone who has a penis, he is gay or bisexual.

@EarringsandLipstick we are no where near medical treatment yet but if you could see how distressing it is to have “just a feeling” - to the point of suicidal thoughts and self harm then I support anything that will make my son happier. I have explored everything with him - and as I said earlier there is no help with this - I’ve had no training, I’m not a psychologist or a counsellor but every door is shut to us and that is the part that is most disappointing to me. We even had a CAMHS referral rejected as he is not mentally ill enough. I think to dismiss how he feels as “just a feeling” is unfair to those going through it.

Sounds awful for your son, no one should face abuse for the way anyone looks. That is why the trans lobby should be focussing all their efforts and energy on getting males to be more accepting of transwomen in their spaces, as they are still male no matter how they present. It should be fine for a male to wear a dress etc.

They shouldn't be insisting such males are actually women and screaming, shouting down, cancelling women and calling them bigots and transphobes for wanting to retain spaces, sports etc etc based on sex.

I guess @Inapickleiam you could treat him the same as if he joined a religious cult. You love him no matter what he believes in. Hope he will realise that what he feels and others tell him he can feel or become biological reality will suddenly dawn on him. Many people in cults escape as they mature, who knows.

This comment basically sums up the ridiculousness of the situation where people feel they can be something they cannot to the extent they feel they are both lesbians - ridiculous when looking from the outside but to the cult and the handmaidens etc anything is possible all it takes is long hair, a dress and some lippy and these deluded people think they are women or lesbians!

"Or are you trying to say two men with penises having sex are lesbians if they wear dresses and grow their hair? "

*Thanks all. I am well clued up on the GC arguments.

Where I am not clued up is how to communicate them in a way that won’t antagonise DS.*

He already knows your views. You don't have to repeat them. I'd just make it clear that I loved and accepted him. He's over 18. Of you carry on giving your views you will push him away.

I'm GC.

What is the school doing about the bullying?

@Madlifebadlife

I'm really sorry for the MH challenges your DS is having. I can't imagine how hard it is for him, and you.

However, linking those challenge with a 'feeling' that he wants to be a sex he cannot ever be, doesn't seem to me to be helpful.

I say that fully recognising that you would like to do anything to alleviate his pain.

I think the approach for me would be reiterating fact while investigating the (true) origin of their distress

@ConstitutionHill

It's not about giving GC views tho.

It's about supporting her young adult son to make positive healthy choices.

Her son has adopted an illogical position - that he is identifying as a woman, and in a relationship with a TW. In fact, he's a gay man in a relationship with another gay man.

Our responsibilities to our children don't end instantly at the point of adulthood.

They are not “all” of her friends. Some. She is very sociable, as are most university students, she’s in year 3 and has a vast friendship group including non trans people, it has just happened that her closest friends are trans and they share a house together - it’s a large student house, there are about 7 of them altogether. Her, 3 trans women, one non binary (born female, has a boyfriend but goes by “they/ them”), one straight female and one gay man. All living happily together.

Way to miss the point

Who me? I’m not missing your point. I just don’t share your view that it’s is a point / an issue.

"Puberty blockers" as an off label use of powerful sex hormone blockers for "trans" children have been limited in many European countries and restricted to only clinical trials, including the U.K.. The evidence for their use is not positive. So it clearly is an issue/point whether you and your friends agree or not. Cross sex hormones are also restricted to over 16s. Have they been ordering them online without any guarantees as to their safety?

you Are the difference between a good parent and one that puts their “ beliefs “ negate their children . I applaud you . Your child know you will always have their back

I immediately read this and think: is your son autistic? Does he have ADHD? In other words is he neurodivergent?

If he is, transition will not solve his feelings of discomfort. It will just give him more problems down the line. Gender dysphoria is common in ND kids around puberty. I know because I was one of them. I am thankful every day that I didn't live at a time when this ideology held sway. I wasn't a boy, I was a bisexual ND young woman growing up in a deeply homophobic culture.

You don't think it's concerning that you daughter's friends are buying and injecting themselves with random drugs they've bought off the internet?

Okaaaaay

@Tryingmybestadhd by transing her child. geez

My son is currently identifying as trans (I posted the details up thread). I am 100% supportive of him in every way possible. But I will not support something that is damaging. Damaging to him, to my own MH, to the people around him.
Imagine if your child was anorexic, a desperate desire to be thinner, to have a bmi of 15. Would you support that? Encourage that. Say yes child, you can exist on a slice of cucumber an an apple each day, Way to go kiddo!!!!!!!!

No of course you wouldnt, that would be crazy.

How about if your daughter had been training for years in competitive swimming, gymnastics, athletics. How would you feel if a boy entered into the same competitions as a "girl" - that boy will win, he will be faster, he will be stronger. With far less effort. Fact. Hence Sharron Davies has written a book called Unfair play about the role of men in womens sport.
Supporting kids/teens/adults to be trans isnt kind or helpful.

Three months of injecting T - if a girl injects T for three months because she believes she is actually a boy, just three months and she will have permanent irreversible damage. (have a read of Abigail Shriers book Irreversible damage)

That statistic in itself should be enough to wake people up imho. Permanent damage in only three months.

We are seeking an assessment - I’ve long suspected it but again was rejected for assessments - his school don’t believe he is - he masks it so well at school. They have finally put him forward for assessments this week - could be months before we see or get assessed I’m guessing. I really hope he does change his mind about transition but seems so determined about it right now. But I do recognise in him mixed up feelings about sexuality and social isolation due to his poor social skills so maybe you could be right.
Anyway, to original poster sorry for butting in with my worries! I will step back now ! Thanks for some of the helpful comments.

Madlifebadlife
I hope you and your teen catch a break and get to breathe easy and enjoy life no matter what happens. You sound like a lovely supportive mum and it’s great your teen has someone to talk to x

No problem, autism is something that’s been on our radar too but never pursued as it wasn’t a problem as such that needed addressing.
DS doesn’t like change. Always declined new clothes or tried to replace with same. Will always choose to return to a favourite place rather than go somewhere new. He definitely gets on with autistic kids, not the ‘regular’ lads, had a good, small group of friends in his school which was very academic. He does, I suppose, have obsessions, always watching a documentary. He’s quite pedantic and precise.