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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

DS trans - I am GC - how to talk and avoid conflict

231 replies

Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 19:24

Hi, name changed for this for obvious reasons.

DS has been at Uni for a year. Had a great time. Told me at Christmas he is, I think, pansexual, i.e. attracted to a person, could be boy, girl, whatever. This didn’t bother / surprise me. He now has a GF who is trans.

This summer a few things have been different and I had a suspicion he might be planning to say he is trans too and some other things have now occurred that have confirmed this suspicion & he is now using a female name at Uni.

We haven’t spoken about it so I want to get my thoughts and words straight. I am GC, he knows that, we have argued about it before.

Maybe we won’t speak about it, he will be a girl a Uni and stay the same at home & maybe this is for the best?

Ultimately I love and adore him and really don’t want there to be issues between us. I would struggle to accept calling him anything other than a man, because I just don’t ‘believe’ it. My biggest fear is medical intervention and doing anything that is permanent or might damage him. Secondary fears are the consequences to his family, career, relationships, plus, I guess, a belief that it is a fad, a trend, he is going along with the crowd, he doesn’t actually have a medical condition of gender disphoria. I am also acutely aware that the trans community is very welcoming and almost encourages estrangement from disapproving parents and I desperately do not want this to happen to us but fear if I fully expressed my views, I would be pushing him into the arms of this, well, it feels like a cult.

So, I think I am looking for advice on how to tackle these conversations.

Please help, I have read this back and know I sound fairly calm but actually, I am having palpitations and sleepiness nights over this!

thanks.

OP posts:
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supadupapupascupa · 20/09/2023 19:33

My ds is saying similar. I feel the same. I feel paralysed with knowing what to do!

Original poster
Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 19:44

Well, I guess other people being in the same boat might be helpful! I am sorry you are experiencing this too. I am trying to sign up to a site called Genspect I have seen recommended for parents but the sign up section doesn’t seem to be working.

I am running through many lines but I can think of his smarter answers to all of them!

OP posts:
maudesvagina · 20/09/2023 19:55

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ might help

Goodornot · 20/09/2023 19:58

So I'm clear he is male and his trans GF is a biological male too?

Doesn't that make him and his GF gay males? Sorry if I've got that wrong.

Original poster
Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 20:11

Yes, he is male, as is his ‘GF’.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 20/09/2023 20:56

Gosh, how difficult OP

I think I would have to have an honest, while respectful, conversation, addressing the illogicality of his actions.

I would also consider trying to understand where his motivation is coming from.

These decisions are not made from a healthy place, and I think naming & being direct about the issues & potential consequences is important.

Good luck!

Eyesopenwideawake · 20/09/2023 21:10

Is GC gender critical? If so, what does that mean?

Xrays · 20/09/2023 21:11

I am coming at this from the angle of being the mum of a dd (bisexual) at university who house shares with 3 trans people and 1 non binary person. Two of the trans people have a terrible relationship with their family because they have not accepted it and they plan to have no contact with them when they leave university. If you don’t want that to happen to you then I really think you need to be fully supportive and let them explore things, with no judgement. If they do come to feel they’ve made a mistake or want to reverse anything that is fine too and they will come to that understanding and point on their own regardless of your own opinion, so although others will disagree I know, having heard similar stories through my dd about the families of those she shares with you’ll only serve to completely destroy any long term relationship if you show any inkling of your feelings.

itsmyp4rty · 20/09/2023 21:13

Eyesopenwideawake · 20/09/2023 21:10

Is GC gender critical? If so, what does that mean?

It means biological sex is more important to you than gender.

Original poster
Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 21:16

Thanks all. I am well clued up on the GC arguments.

Where I am not clued up is how to communicate them in a way that won’t antagonise DS.

He’s 20 so much of the material is not really aimed at us. He is an adult but not fully mature, again, that’s a potentially antagonistic comment!

I really don’t understand his motivation and it is quite surprising to me. He has never been feminine or girly, but I don’t want to say that to him because that isn’t what makes someone female anyway of course! Feeling like he fits in could be a factor, he has always been nerdy and not one of the crowd but had a small group of good friends. He is possibly ND, though not diagnosed or investigated. He is intelligent and has happy and secure childhood I would say but suffered from lockdown during a pretty key time socially and had some physical health issues in that time including a diagnosis of a painful condition. He seemed to handle it really, really well and we talked a lot. It could be an issue for him though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 21:18

Xrays · 20/09/2023 21:11

I am coming at this from the angle of being the mum of a dd (bisexual) at university who house shares with 3 trans people and 1 non binary person. Two of the trans people have a terrible relationship with their family because they have not accepted it and they plan to have no contact with them when they leave university. If you don’t want that to happen to you then I really think you need to be fully supportive and let them explore things, with no judgement. If they do come to feel they’ve made a mistake or want to reverse anything that is fine too and they will come to that understanding and point on their own regardless of your own opinion, so although others will disagree I know, having heard similar stories through my dd about the families of those she shares with you’ll only serve to completely destroy any long term relationship if you show any inkling of your feelings.

Yes, I have heard similar stories, from DS (!) and this is exactly why I am exploring my feelings and words now. It is very hard when I just want to say ‘what? don’t be so ridiculous, now what shall we have for tea’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 21:21

Interesting they wait until after Uni to go NC, i.e. support no longer needed.

The number of young adults playing with their genders at Uni is crazy. I just hope they end up ok.

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 20/09/2023 21:22

Well if you persist you will alienate your son. That's it there is no middle ground if he is trans you being 'GC' will drive him away. If you want a relationship with your trans child then reasses your thinking and find some middle ground.

I say that as someone who have multiple friends who's parents are unable to accept their sexual orientation. These friends have very limited or no relationship with their parents

Goodornot · 20/09/2023 21:22

Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 20:11

Yes, he is male, as is his ‘GF’.

You know a few years ago, both of them would have been gay men. What happened to just being gay.

Xrays · 20/09/2023 21:26

I have a lot of discussions with dd about it all. The thing is there is so much out there for them all now on social media, not just about the whole trans issue but so many groups for every single type of opinion on anything you could possibly imagine now, whereas we had to work to “find our people” they literally click on a tag or follow someone and off they trot, loads of support, everyone else is wrong, fingers in ears etc. We have a lot of awkward moments at home when dd is here where dh and I actively just don’t bother to talk about things around her because we end up in a row and it’s not worth the bother. I’m not sure that’s healthy in the sense that they never get challenged over many views if we all behave like this but there is no shortage of online people and resources who provide endless support for their views on things so us “old” folk have no chance. Oddly enough it’s actually one of the only forms of prejudice they seem unable to see and engage in themselves …!

Clymene · 20/09/2023 21:27

Poor gay and lesbian young people. They can't breathe now. No room to be themselves.

Original poster
Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 21:27

Coffeaddict · 20/09/2023 21:22

Well if you persist you will alienate your son. That's it there is no middle ground if he is trans you being 'GC' will drive him away. If you want a relationship with your trans child then reasses your thinking and find some middle ground.

I say that as someone who have multiple friends who's parents are unable to accept their sexual orientation. These friends have very limited or no relationship with their parents

Is Trans a sexual orientation? I have no issue with his sexual orientation (LGB) whatsoever.

But I do hear you and do understand this is very much the case, hence posting as I do not want our relationship to deteriorate. I do need to find the middle ground. That’s what I am looking for from this thread, not help with my GC position.

OP posts:
Moonlightonthemoor · 20/09/2023 21:28

"‘what? don’t be so ridiculous, now what shall we have for tea’."

Why, if someone is having difficult feelings for you to hear, would you want to come across as dismissive?

I have two DC; the one who is autistic is the one that went down the whole gender route, changing pronouns name etc. I just listened to them, asked them why, but didn't impose my way of thinking as the right way of thinking (even if I think it is!). I did talk about how I felt, that I don't conform to gender stereotypes, and only consider my sex, never my gender. But I did make it clear they were my feelings, not anyone else's. My feelings are valid for me, their feelings are valid for them. We talked, a lot - years of it! The only way through I feel is keeping communication open, not dismissive.

[That DC (at Uni) is no longer trans and now looks back feeling that they were listened to and respected but very importantly decided things for themselves. They feel that the whole gender thing was just them trying to fit in somewhere, where they would be accepted.]

Original poster
Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 21:30

Moonlightonthemoor · 20/09/2023 21:28

"‘what? don’t be so ridiculous, now what shall we have for tea’."

Why, if someone is having difficult feelings for you to hear, would you want to come across as dismissive?

I have two DC; the one who is autistic is the one that went down the whole gender route, changing pronouns name etc. I just listened to them, asked them why, but didn't impose my way of thinking as the right way of thinking (even if I think it is!). I did talk about how I felt, that I don't conform to gender stereotypes, and only consider my sex, never my gender. But I did make it clear they were my feelings, not anyone else's. My feelings are valid for me, their feelings are valid for them. We talked, a lot - years of it! The only way through I feel is keeping communication open, not dismissive.

[That DC (at Uni) is no longer trans and now looks back feeling that they were listened to and respected but very importantly decided things for themselves. They feel that the whole gender thing was just them trying to fit in somewhere, where they would be accepted.]

Edited

This is really helpful, thank you. This is much more like how I want to be.

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 20/09/2023 21:31

Inapickleiam · 20/09/2023 21:27

Is Trans a sexual orientation? I have no issue with his sexual orientation (LGB) whatsoever.

But I do hear you and do understand this is very much the case, hence posting as I do not want our relationship to deteriorate. I do need to find the middle ground. That’s what I am looking for from this thread, not help with my GC position.

Show quote history

No trans is nit the same as sexual orientation. However these were examples I have seen. Where parents may be 'supportive' by saying just don't do it near me while. Ie a bit of a don't ask don't tell type thing but that means my friends are hiding a large proportion of themselves.

This is what you are suggesting your child do. It will not work

JoanOgden · 20/09/2023 21:33

Can you ask him what being trans means to him, and really listen? It may be that trying to explain it will make him realise it's all a bit silly (or it may not, but worth a go).

I hope/expect that a lot of trans-identifying young people will grow out of it without any irreversible medical treatment.

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