My son thinks he's trans but I really don't - does that make me a bad parent?

[CassyJ]

Just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this? Last year, aged 17, my son declared he was trans straight out of the blue. I certainly wouldn't have an issue with this but up until then, he had never shown any signs of being trans. He has always been a 'typical lad', into boys games, very masculine based hobbies such as wrestling and football, and has had quite a few girlfriends, but even now, he is still into the same kind of hobbies and has no female traits at all. The only thing he has tried has been to wear a little make-up and grow his hair.

I can see a point at which this all began, and it was when we went into lockdown due to covd that the schools were doing online lessons for about a year. He didn't have any outside contact with his friends, and spent his life on his computer playing games etc. I then became aware that some people he was talking to, including school friends, had 'come out' as non-binary, gender fluid and trans, and that's when he decided he was too. He has always been a follower and my gut reaction as a mum is that he has been influenced to believe that this is the way he should be living his life. He is now very defensive over the LGBT community which I this is a good thing, but excessively so. He has now given up on college because he said it's affecting his mental health, and has made two attempts at suicide which has really knocked us for six as a family. He has a meeting with the mental health team in two weeks, but I can't help but think that his problems are due to his belief of his sexuality. So sorry to drone on, but does anybody have any suggestions or thoughts on this? Thank you so much in advance.

No, you're a sensible loving parent with life experience who knows dcs are under undue influence. He may be trans, he may not but there's no rush. He's already gone through puberty so just let him be him, support him in that and see where he ends up.
He's your child, you love him, so support him but advocate avoiding anything irreversible until he's felt this way a few years and is sure of himself.

My kids' whole friendship groups identify as trans / bi / demiboy / queer etc. It seems that nobody wants to be a boring "cishet" any more. I suspect many teens do get swept up in determining their gender identity and sexuality and that is why we are seeing so many detransitioners now. I think it's best to focus on your child's current crisis of feeling suicidal and get help put in place for that first. After that, there's probably no harm in growing hair out and exploring women's clothes and makeup. The slippery slope starts when you change name and pronouns so that might be a point you want to resist as, from the accounts of detransitioners, it can sometime become an easy route to hormones and surgeries.

Teens and being trans/nb are a different group to middle-age, white men transitioning or indeed “trans children”. I think it can be a solution to a problem but where older generations would get stoned, become a goth, bunk off school etc, teens these days get pulled into the rainbow family with it’s commonality of supportive language…”your parents don’t understand you but we do”.

The trans thing is perfectly made for teens…new terminology that your ancient parents don’t know so you can roll your eyes at them and scoff, it’s counter-culture so ready made rebellion, there’s a uniform/ready made identities, it makes you feel listened to and special. It also helps them get through puberty/emotions. You are the only one in your group who doesn’t fancy anyone? Congratulations, you’re asexual. Here’s your flag. One day you think you fancy girls, the next boys? You’re NB. Here’s your flag. You don’t fit traditional gender markers? Definitely trans. Have a badge.

The absolutely horrendous thing about transing children/teens is that the thing they think is the answer to all their problems is ultimately a lie. Once they’ve left their online supportive friends and go outside, they are going to come smashing into the fact that no-one can change sex and the wider public are going to see a man. They then have to deal with the constant feelings of inadequacy because they’re still not the opposite sex. They’ve been sold a lie because the only way being trans works is by having everyone else believe that you’re the opposite sex and they just don’t.

You are an amazing mum and don’t worry about not “getting it” etc. It’s not a really complicated subject as many commentators seem to say. It’s really very simple. He is obviously struggling and has latched onto being trans as a solution. If you can get him support with that initial problem then the trans thing maybe resolved. It must be very difficult to deal so good luck.

I’m so sorry to read your post, OP. I cannot imagine. I just know how intimately I love my own children and how deeply this would affect me, in your position.

I would recommend that you also seek counselling, as a matter of urgency. It will help you to talk without judgement which will help your child. MN is not equipped to give you the answers you need, although you have our support. ❤️

When your child attempts suicide, it is a crisis point for any parent. Look after yourself and them and get help.

beautifully said. This explains perfectly our family member.

This has put far more eloquently what I was trying to say. It is an easy way of thinking you can change something about yourself and that by doing so you would be happier

but it doesn’t addrsss the root issue

So many children declaring themselves trans after gaming or being online.

Most sensible people would consider that this could possibly be grooming rather than jumping to the conclusion that the child really is transgender.

OP , it's difficult parenting teens at the best of times, this is an added complication. There has been some good advice about contacting the likes of bayswater support.

Someone upthread said they would query the motives of an adult who said you should now say your son is your daughter. So would I. If this is not a phase then time will tell. In the meantime we know that social transition is not benign. The watchful wait approach is probably best, along with there is no wrong way to be male etc. ....

It’s a difficult line to walk - we acknowledge that the feelings and distress are genuine but we don’t affirm, we’ve made it clear that we don’t believe that the distress will be alleviated by gender transition.

We’ve delayed every step as much as possible (‘that’s quite a complicated thing to spring on us - can you give us some time to do some reading/research and we can talk about it again in 3 months time?’) and we avoid pronouns and use gender neutral nicknames but we haven’t used the chosen cross sex name (her birth name is pretty much non-gendered anyway, just needs one letter changed, yet she’d chosen a variety of trendy male names and cycled through them. None of them are ordinary male names for someone of her age, more like
victorian ghosts!)
We allow a lot of freedom re: clothes and hair. As long as the hair is ok for school/work dress codes we’ve decided to not fight on that front. Same with the voice training app - I just ask if she has a sore throat occasionally! We said early on that anything with the potential to cause permanent changes would have to wait until 18 and be self funded (NHS wait times are very long).

There is a good (international) Facebook group for parents who are trans skeptical - some affirm, some don’t. Most are taking the same sort of middle ground as we are.

We ask open questions, I got a ‘critical thinking cheat sheet’ from another Mumsnetter and printed it out and stuck it to the fridge. We refer to it for every big dinner table conversation, hoping that the same questions will naturally filter through to the trans questions (will add link to separate comment as the site has a habit of jettisoning my drafts while I go search for links!)

it’s harder when they are older, definitely. Early on I had a conversation with a couple of detrans young women and asked them if there was anything their parents could’ve done that would’ve altered their path? They both said no, but that having mothers who were supportive of them whilst not directly affirming or encouraging their transition made it easier to walk it back when they realised their mistake.

As other posters have said, if we push back too far, our children will be told that we are evil transphobes, so we wall a careful line of try to neither affirm nor alienate.

There is one very influential person in the friend group, and in hindsight I wish we had discouraged that particular friendship early on. This is not uncommon.

get.futurefocusedlearning.net/critical-thinking-cheatsheet

I'm sorry but this is the type of terrible parenting practiced in the past towards gay and lesbian children too... Realigning them to the right path... It leads to resentment, terrible mental damage and all without you really knowing. I am astonished to see these views so publicly and without a hint of realising how suppressing a child's exploration of their self is so very dangerous. This isn't about your views on gender based rights, but trans people do exist.

What utter crap 😊

Nope, a gender affirmation pathway that culminates in the amputation of healthy breasts and genitals is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE leaving your gender non conforming kids be and letting them grow up to be gay or lesbian adults.

Absolutely bonkers that you’d think them even remotely alike.

95% of what I've read in this thread and in others like it would do wonderfully on next year's roses. I came to this area looking for advice but what I've found is fringe right wing madness.

I am 100% certain that not every child or teenager that believes they may be trans is. I am however just as certain that not supporting them through an entirely confusing journey and using the language many have here is just as damaging as hearing what my family had to to say about gay people in the 80's and why I didn't come out to many of them until I was nearly 40! It lead to depression, mental anguish and strongly anxiety driven personality. Because my own father's views made me feel that my sense of self was wrong.

You're encouraging another parent to make the same sort of parenting mistake and some of you are proudly saying you've already made that same mistake. It's completely baffling to me how toxic this section of MN is in comparison to the rest of it.

It’s not right wing to want your child to keep their genitals intact!

I'm sorry but this is the type of terrible parenting practiced in the past towards gay and lesbian children too. It leads to resentment, terrible mental damage and all without you really knowing.

The physical effects of transitioning are damaging and are lifelong. What is the similarity to gay and lesbian children here?

The mental effects of transitioning are not necessarily beneficial (you do have to separate by sex to get a clearer idea of this; natal girls tend to do worse than natal boys, from the very sketchy results shown by the Tavistock).

It really isn't the same as accepting that your child is same-sex attracted.

IMO it's mainly a trend. Like punk or goth etc in previous generations. My 15yo niece is now apparently a boy and the vast majority of her (his) friends are non binary or trans. In reality she's a bit of a tomboy (as I was at that age) but still likes wearing dresses etc. I obviously use her/his new name and pronouns out of respect when speaking to her but do I think she's a boy? No.

Not at all saying that there's no such thing as genuinely being trans (I have some trans friends who were very clearly born into the wrong body and pass absolutely as the gender they identify with) but it seems among teens these days if they feel any affinity with the opposite gender they'll just declare that they're trans. The thing I don't get is that very few people align completely with these concepts of gender - as a kid I used to climb trees, play football, ride mopeds, wear hoodies and jeans, all the traditionally 'boy' things to do etc etc. My husband is camp as they come. Neither of us has decided to switch gender based on having some traits associated with the other sex.

Look at who agrees with your fringe groups and have a think about that. I have my own doubts about kids confusing being gender non conforming with gender fluidity but that does not mean to say that Trans Men and Women don't exist and they suffer enough without allowing the views you express here to shape the general narrative. The OP needs genuine support from professionals not directing to groups with a political belief system straight out of Kemi Bedenoch's policy cabinet.

You're encouraging another parent to make the same sort of parenting mistake and some of you are proudly saying you've already made that same mistake. It's completely baffling to me how toxic this section of MN is in comparison to the rest of it.

Your mind is so open your brain has fallen out. My child was being borderline groomed on line via an on line gaming platform and was immersed in Yaoi. Do you know what that is? Do some research. Search out the links between Yaoi and “trans” She is also autistic. She is an absolute prime candidate to be sucked into this damaging ideology. You attack my parenting, yet have absolutely no idea about these issues which are attached to the huge increase in teenage and pre teen girls “identifying” as trans. Times have moved on. Drawing ignorant links between historical homophobia and current social contagion around gender shows how clueless you are. Actually embarrassed for you.

You’d have socially transitioned your autistic, groomed, anime obsessed teenager and had her at the gender clinic to pump artificial, life long damaging hormones into her and start the process of sterilisation in a heartbeat wouldn’t you? And you would call yourself and your parenting good and accepting while doing so. And you come on here and tell those who know better and protect their children that THEY are bad parents? It’s so blackly funny and unbelievable that I hardly know what else to say.

You should look into which people agree with you. Peter Tatchell for one.
Clean your own house before you try guilt by association.

OP, your topic is in active and will attract a whole army of mumnetters from our "feminism" board which is our firm anti-trans base. Therefore I don't think this topic will help you; what jumped out on me is that your son had two suicide attempts. You mention it at the end, and you assume that if only he follows you in what you think about his gender/identity/sexuality, he'll be fixed. Evidently this has not helped so far, quite the opposite. If I were in your shoes I would start from the position that would help him survive, i.e. removing my own opinions from the centerstage.

So I'm dispensing with the niceties because your posts never had any. The parenting your advocating that I think sucks is the total denial of any possibility of the OP discussing and working with their kids and instead advocating that they push them to the right way. The non trans way. So yes I'm critiquing your parenting and yes I've done my research. It doesn't involve sources that support my own bias though as the organisation's your suggesting the OP visit do. That's all I'm saying on it. Have a great life .

The young person of our acquaintance who died by suicide did so after transition, despite being encouraged and accepted by family and friends.

My own family has a trans teenager in its ranks. Post (irreversible) transition, this very much loved young person looks increasingly unhealthy, strained and unhappy.

I don't know and nor do you, really, microbius what the best support for these youngsters would have been. But calling it 'anti-trans' to pause and think about it is just not helpful.

Yet you haven’t addressed anything I have said, just airily swooped over it and told me again I am a big bigoted meanie 😁 The usual.

Have a nice life yourself, just please don’t try to influence any confused teenagers, if you happen to have access to any, I beg of you, because you have no idea what you’re talking about and that is dangerous.

And yet it's interesting that it's your views and opinions that are counter to professionally accepted approaches. Sure. You have a wonderful life.

To the OP, as has been said what really stands out to me is that your child is in crisis. The issue of their identity seems to be the route of that crisis but coming to the resolution of that is way above Mumsnetter pay grade. Give yourself a break too as it's above your pay grade as well. Your only concern here is to be a source of support and love to your son. Be open about your feelings with the professional but try not to overly influence your son's opinions as the pros help them work through their thoughts. You may well ultimately be correct in your gut feeling but, children are naturally rebellious and complex. You want to encourage openness, trust and dialogue between you, your son and the professional health services. Good luck to you all.

And yet it's interesting that it's your views and opinions that are counter to professionally accepted approaches. Sure. You have a wonderful life.

The ones which are slowly and steadily being disproved and dismantled? The Tavistock, Mermaids, Nicola Sturgeon’s resignation - her career is finished because of her stance on transing children - the increasingly large numbers of “detransitioners” the strenuous public pushback which grows every day as people like you who thought they were being kind and accepting begin to understand what transitioning a child really means? Those approaches? It’s finished you know, it’ll take a while yet but it is and you’ll be mortified when you realise what you actually supported.