My son thinks he's trans but I really don't - does that make me a bad parent?

[CassyJ]

Just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this? Last year, aged 17, my son declared he was trans straight out of the blue. I certainly wouldn't have an issue with this but up until then, he had never shown any signs of being trans. He has always been a 'typical lad', into boys games, very masculine based hobbies such as wrestling and football, and has had quite a few girlfriends, but even now, he is still into the same kind of hobbies and has no female traits at all. The only thing he has tried has been to wear a little make-up and grow his hair.

I can see a point at which this all began, and it was when we went into lockdown due to covd that the schools were doing online lessons for about a year. He didn't have any outside contact with his friends, and spent his life on his computer playing games etc. I then became aware that some people he was talking to, including school friends, had 'come out' as non-binary, gender fluid and trans, and that's when he decided he was too. He has always been a follower and my gut reaction as a mum is that he has been influenced to believe that this is the way he should be living his life. He is now very defensive over the LGBT community which I this is a good thing, but excessively so. He has now given up on college because he said it's affecting his mental health, and has made two attempts at suicide which has really knocked us for six as a family. He has a meeting with the mental health team in two weeks, but I can't help but think that his problems are due to his belief of his sexuality. So sorry to drone on, but does anybody have any suggestions or thoughts on this? Thank you so much in advance.

"By the way, I've cared for a sadly dying surgically transitioned trans woman and you could not tell she had ever been a man. But her family had disowned her long before"

There have also sadly been reports of men who have transitioned getting dementia when elderly and being horrified about where their male bodies have gone. This sadly has intensified their distress and confusion.

Totally agree with @BiologicalKitty , and grateful for the much-needed pushback on this relentless assault on children and teenagers who are just figuring out their identity and need time to do it without being fed a narrative that is utterly contrary to reality.

I'd be fine with this spangly unicorn fairy story if it didn't result in barbaric and experimental surgery and medical intervention. And if it didn't directly threaten to erase the categories female and homosexual.

And agree that your friend is a trans woman, is a lesbian, and has biologically male anatomy?

He's a heterosexual male in a body modified to look superficially female. He's not a lesbian and lesbians should not ever need to face pressure to accept him as such. It's profoundly homophobic.

OP, be alert to the possibility that he is being groomed online by men. There are some very dark people out there targeting gay young men into what is essentially on camera self-harm. If you are close enough to chat about where he spends time online, that would be good.

Check out GENSPECT for advice.

OP I’m so sorry to hear your family is going through this.

Talk to Transgender Trend, they’re experts in this type of thing and may be able to suggest resources or a therapist who can help him explore and work through his unhappiness without making things worse.

(It may help to stop talking in terms of sexist cliches at home. Plenty of men wear make up or have long hair, it doesn’t make them female any more than playing football and wearing trousers makes me a man.)

The truth is he won’t be happy until he escapes the toxic cult-thinking he’s been drawn into, but how you get a 17 yr old out of that I do not know, deradicalising cult members is notoriously difficult and that is what you are dealing with here. 😢

BioligicalKitty. You put it so well completely agree with your posts.

Op I am so sorry I do hope your ds comes through this. God poor teenagers today what a mad world for them.

I’m a lesbian. I’m not offended. I am offended by transphobia.

Poor you for still needing to put the men's needs first.

Your feelings don't trump mine. And guilt-tripping a lesbian into dating a man is homophobic. That doesn't offend you, fine. Off you pop.

Didn’t say they did. But you don’t get to speak for me.

Nobody has to date anyone they don’t want to, but neither do they get to tell others how to identify.

Off you pop yourself.

No just doesn't agree with you!!!!!!! It's actually shhhhhhh allowed

clutchingatpearls · Today 20:58
He's a heterosexual male in a body modified to look superficially female.

This thread has gone bonkers.

At no point whatsoever has the OP stated that her son has had any surgery at all.

All it takes to "be trans" is a demand to change your pronouns.

Body surgeries such as mastectomy for TM or silicon chest implants for TW are taken by less than half of trans identifying people.

Genital surgery is undertaken by a vast vast minority of trans identifying people, 99% + of trans people retain the genitalia of their sex.

The OP's son has declared a trans identity since being locked into an online bubble. There's no reason whatsoever to assume they have taken any steps other than changing their avatar.

i doubt that. Only 48,000 people in England & Wales (total population: 58 million) identify as trans women. Of those, fewer than 20% have undergone surgical transition, so that’s 9,600 max, or 0.00017 of the population (less than 2 people in every 10,000). For a city the size of Bristol, for example, that would be 80 people max in the entire city.

Unless you work for a trans charity or something, it’s pretty hard to believe that you have worked with 3 of them.

This must be so hard. It’s very worrying that ‘coming out’ as something seems to a trend in teenagers. I don’t doubt there are genuine trans teenagers but i feel the vast majority are just confused and following others. Unfortunately i think suicide is another topic which is commonly discussed on social media amongst teenagers, and having poor mental health is also glorified and trendy. It’s a very scary place for kids that age. I think keep your son close by supporting him and not opposing his wishes but also maybe try and steer him towards different friends? Can you get him involved in some kind of activity where he can be around positive influences?

You've misunderstood the conversations on this thread.

OP, I'm sorry for what you and DS have in your plate at the moment. It's sounds incredibly difficult and upsetting and v hard to be surrounded by so many different strongly held views.

Your experience and feelings seem to be quite reminiscent of reported trends around these issues and so am sure one of the suggested parental support groups listed above will be helpful.

Well done for keeping going and trying to support DS as you navigate this. I hope the MH team is supportive and helpful.

@Circumferences read the full thread. The points being made about reassignment were in response to a contributor asserting their male friend was now anatomically female with a vagina and breasts. Not to do with the OPs son.

The true stats on medical/surgical transition are important and relevant because gender-questioning kids are sold a lie about transition being effective. The reality is that people who transition are almost always identifiable as their biological sex (especially those who are biologically male). That may not matter to everyone, but it certainly matters to many trans people and can be a source of huge distress.

It is impossible to change sex. However the OP’s son responds to his gender issues, it is essential to remain rooted in reality.

But herein lies the issue.

Are you a lesbian like @ALS94 friend? Who you think is a lesbian? (Biologically male, attracted to biological women (or is this tw friend equally open to relationships with other tw, is that also lesbian according to you?) )

Or are you a lesbian like @BiologicalKitty who would not agree that @ALS94 friend is a lesbian? (Because being a lesbian in this case is rooted in biological sex and same sex attraction, thereby discounting and excluding anyone born male, regardless of surgical or social modification).

And wtf is the point of even describing your sexuality if it is meaningless. How can we ensure safe and fair and non discriminatory practices and provision if we cannot ever understand what ANYONE means any more.

@SommerTen your experiences are at the extreme end of unusual for all sorts of reasons.

A) because surgical transition is still vanishingly rare, no complications is almost unheard of and yet you're surrounded by success stories. ( The dear TW I know would give their arm for this level of easy living success after literally decades of pain, issues, surgeries etc)

B) because everyone who meets your colleagues comments on their looks and finds them beautiful (this is such a weird and creepy comment and such a blanket assertion that I'm wondering what in earth the nature of your workplace and professionals conversations is.. and how productive is your workplace, and why is this a topic of chat amongst everyone who comes through the door?)

C) you know this about all 3 of them, they are all so close they would confide their surgical history and transition journey to you when there is no need for them to have done so because you believe that no one ever would guess they were anything other than women.

D) you seem to set a lot in store by how effectively a tw appears to be a woman. How she passes. I'm not sure how this fits generally with the whole TWAW thinking really. I'd say many would not agree with you. Honestly, what point are you making that a dying tw looks like a woman? What's that got to do with what? Her passing and the sadness of her loss is not predicated on the success of her transition, is it?

So sorry your DS is going through this and has been brainwashed into believing he wants to be a female. If it any constellation quite a lot of young people in his position change their minds in early twenties. In your position I'd move to get him away from these friends. I know he could still have virtual contact but I'd give it a try. Move and get him into a new college so he can make different friends. I'd stall him all I could as I know in early twenties once away from school friendship group they often change their minds. I taught in a Sixth Form and saw a student I used to teach, who at Sixth Form was female to male trans and considering breast amputation. I told her Mum I thought her friends encouraged her. Then her Mum moved and she had to move too about 180 miles away. Once away from Sixth Form friends who had encouraged her, she dropped the idea of amputation of breast and returned to female identity. When I saw her about 6 years after she moved I did not recognise her as at Sixth Form she had very short hair with shaved sides. When I saw her again she had long hair and wearing makeup and I did not recognise her until she came and spoke to me.

This is so so scary isn't it?

We know young people are having a MH crisis, and yet we don't seem to be able to intervene in an effective way, even when we know the harms exist.

Sadly for OP, if her DS drops out of college that could automatically mean more time online. I guess for that reason, keeping him busy and engaged in something IRL becomes a priority. Hobby, sport, gym, volunteering etc?

I'd suggest they could call themselves a transwoman who fancies women. She has a neovagina, not a vagina. It is only a glancing similarity to a vagina and women do object to the appropriation of a word which helpfully describes their anatomy.

I can't help but think that his problems are due to his belief of his sexuality.

You may or may not be right and he may not really be trans. If he isn't then contrary to your interpretation
I kindly suggest that his beliefs of his sexuality may be due to his serious mental health issues not the other way around

"There is, without doubt a social contagion issue around this"

100%

I have a young female relative who has decided she's trans and it's a similar situation to OP's. I wish the whole thing would just go away, it's all so damaging and nonsensical.

Contact Genspect and they'll send you lots of resources that will help you. The issue here is the computer- the Internet is messing with kids heads