My son thinks he's trans but I really don't - does that make me a bad parent?

[CassyJ]

Just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this? Last year, aged 17, my son declared he was trans straight out of the blue. I certainly wouldn't have an issue with this but up until then, he had never shown any signs of being trans. He has always been a 'typical lad', into boys games, very masculine based hobbies such as wrestling and football, and has had quite a few girlfriends, but even now, he is still into the same kind of hobbies and has no female traits at all. The only thing he has tried has been to wear a little make-up and grow his hair.

I can see a point at which this all began, and it was when we went into lockdown due to covd that the schools were doing online lessons for about a year. He didn't have any outside contact with his friends, and spent his life on his computer playing games etc. I then became aware that some people he was talking to, including school friends, had 'come out' as non-binary, gender fluid and trans, and that's when he decided he was too. He has always been a follower and my gut reaction as a mum is that he has been influenced to believe that this is the way he should be living his life. He is now very defensive over the LGBT community which I this is a good thing, but excessively so. He has now given up on college because he said it's affecting his mental health, and has made two attempts at suicide which has really knocked us for six as a family. He has a meeting with the mental health team in two weeks, but I can't help but think that his problems are due to his belief of his sexuality. So sorry to drone on, but does anybody have any suggestions or thoughts on this? Thank you so much in advance.

Could i just say a huge thank you to everyone that has replied, I really appreciate the helpful advice and thoughts on our situation. I would always stand by him no matter what, but as someone has mentioned, mums usually know their kids better than anyone and he's even said himself that he's never had any feelings of being trans up until two years ago. I do feel a little more helpless due to his age because at 18, he's going to make his own decisions no matter what, but i guess all i can do is stand by him and be there when he needs me, which he knows i always have been.

My (14yo) sister is in the exact same situation as your son and it's really sad to watch. It's all stemmed from lockdown and a change in social groups which encouraged her to lie about things for attention and pretty much create a completely different "version" of herself on the internet, TikTok, discord etc to these new friends.

The "trans" phase seems to disappear then come back etc. Though she is happy to wear dresses and have long hair (at one point wanted to cut her hair off)

She was also suicidal at one point and has been refusing to go to school. It's a really difficult situation but therapy doesn't seem to help and nowadays the school have no choice but to side with everything the pupil says instead of encouraging a different thought/opinion.

I hope things work out for you OP and life gets a bit easier. It will be very interesting to see the long term effects that lockdown has had on children and teenagers as it's clearly had a large impact already.

Firstly, you're not a bad parent for how you feel or think. Secondly, as others have said, it really is a difficult one. At age 11, my Mum found me crying in my bedroom. I told her I didn't understand why I wasn't a boy, and it hurt to know that I never would be. She reacted badly, said I was being stupid and needed to stop thinking like that. At 16, I said it again. I told her I felt wrong, and I hated my body. She said I was told old be be attention seeking, and once again I went quiet and carried on. At 28 I came out fully as trans, and began my journey. I honestly expected to lose my Mum, but, after asking me about a million questions and having some very long conversations, she told me she would call me whatever I wanted, yet I would always be her little girl. She often used my old name. She often said she/her. But she tried her best. And I think as a parent, that's all any of us can ever do. Love isn't always what you expect or want. Sometimes love comes in the form of a questioning parent, denial, and wanting something different for someone than what that person wants for themselves. However, I've seen first hand that trans people (not all of them) are being told to go NC with their family and friends who deadname, misgender, and even question them being trans. It's getting completely out of control, so please be wary of who he is talking to. You got this 💐

You sound like a lovely, caring Mum. I hope your son finds his way. 18 should be a milestone to look forward to, but I feel your trepidation as the day approaches. Thankfully we live in a country where the tide appears to be slowly turning and people are waking up to the pernicious factions in this ideology that appear to be encouraging our kids to self medicalise before they are mature enough to understand the full consequences.

OP all the best for you and your son. I'm no expert in this, not by a long chalk, but as a bystander I'm aghast at how this has seemingly come from nowhere. Now no-one seems to know what a woman in and children, sometimes barely more than toddlers, are being cheered down a route which could lead to unnecessary surgery, sterility and life long medicalisation.

Fwiw I'd make two recommendations

Block all the sites on the internet that are feeding him this stuff, even if it's Facebook, reddit, it doesn't have to be on the darknet, it's everywhere.

Contact this group

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

They seem to be an organisation for families in your situation.

I'd be very wary of anyone who immediately tells you that your son is now your daughter, etc. You know your child best, don't let anyone call you a bigot for being cautious. Anyone who tries to come between you and your child, for any reason, in this is doing it because they have their own agenda.

Please, it you're going to contact bayswater group or transgender trend, also look into approaching a resource that isn't "gender critical", such as gendered intelligence.

I really wish this board wasn't overrun by posters who seem to have have no experience with having a gender questioning child and only want to push an agenda. That IS cultish behaviour.

Have a look further down this board at 'i have a transgender teenage elephant in the room' written by a mother who doesn't accept her child, guided by the advice of transgender trend and the like. It makes for difficult reading. Every child is different though and you know your teen better than anyone here

Good luck OP, wishing you and your son the best

I'm so sorry, OP. My family has a young male who came out at 18 as trans. He firmly believes he is a woman but is very delusional as to what that means, believing because he cries a lot and loves cats he must have "the range of female emotions." He truly believes that the hormones he takes will turn him female but is frustrated that every week someone assumes he's male despite being on them for 2 years now. His mental disconnect between reality and his ideal is jarring, to say the least. He's struggling because he's so brainwashed. It all happened over COVID and him spending too much time alone and online. Don't underestimate the power of online communities - and watch who he's talking to. (And before someone flames me for the pronouns, my family member is fine with he/they/she until, in his words, "I have my bottom survey.")

Also, don't underestimate the type and extent of your DS's porn consumption. No mom wants to delve into that but maybe your DH can help?

@ALS94 So she has a uterus? Ovaries? XX chromosomes? If not, no they do not have 'female anatomy'. Pointing that out is not narrow-minded, in fact, it is you being narrow-minded.

Define 'transphobia'.

You might want to look at yourself before you call others narrow minded bigots.

So hard. I wouldn't speak to your child about any of this. Just support them. If it's truly not what your child wants, the cracks will start to show soon. Just be there to pick up the pieces. What support are they getting for their mental heath ???

You've misunderstood the conversations on this thread.
Thanks, @MorvenOfMalvern , yes, I wasn't referring to the OP.

I really wish this board wasn't overrun by posters who seem to have have no experience with having a gender questioning child

<hollow laugh>

Many, many posters on this board have gender questioning children. This is predominately a forum for parents after all.

The promotion of this ideology online and in classrooms and the simultaneous attacks on anyone who questions it are causing an explosion in numbers of 'gender questioning children'.

All gender critical means is don't put yourself in a stereotypical box and label yourself.

Absolutely @WallaceinAnderland and the idea that if you have any disquiet or are reticent to affirm with open arms, you are not able to support or offer advice to another parent is also ludicrous.

Being a good parent, loving your child, supporting them through their difficulties is not based on going along with every thing that they say. There are almost no areas of tricky parenting where doing no critical thinking, canvassing of opinion, sense checking or reading is a good thing really. We do it on these boards re school, education, discipline, career advice, health, food....the idea that there's just one way to parent a GBC child is nonsense.

Exactly 💯. That's how many mums got interested in this insidious homophobic and regressive ideology in the first place.

Question gender forever, it's bullshit. Your sex is immutable and important. A healthy body is vital. Why change it for a societal fad? Madness.

We’ve got a gender distressed teen in our house (sometimes we have a whole gang of them, it’s a massive thing within the school year group, although some of them are beginning to desist now, 3 years in).

Our DC is female so not quite the same situation as there are a number of different groupings under the trans umbrella and the computer-gaming-bedroom-dwelling-always-been-gender-conforming-until-now-male-teen is the most recent phenomenon.

Look up Angus Fox’s essays for Quillette and the interviews he has on YouTube with Benjamin Boyce. Try and watch them in sequential order, although if you can only find time for one I’d suggest picking the one with TulipR (a post op detransitioned gay man) because they talk about online grooming and the influence of gaming culture and anime/manga.

Striped knee socks and a cuddly shark from IKEA seem to be part of the ‘uniform’ (I have no problem with teen rebellion and creating tribes parents don’t understand, I do have a problem with anything that encourages a teen to harm an otherwise healthy body/chips away at self esteem).

💐

Angus Fox is a good call, yes. Richie/Tulip too.

Exactly. That's why it would be a good idea for OP to also look at resources from gendered intelligence (alongside the ones already suggested).

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. DS admits himself that these 'feelings' only started as we'd gone into lockdown when he would be in his room playing on the PC. Some of his friends have also come out as trans, non binary (in fact they outweigh the number of heterosexual friends he's had for years). I'll get slated for this I'm sure, but it's almost like its the done thing these days to have a label. He also has online friends who are trans which i hadn't realised existed but at his age, its harder to monitor than if he was a young child. I do remember him saying he'd watch anime videos but i had never made the connection.

I'll have a look at the videos you suggest and thank you for that. Could i just ask, how do you help your DC, do you just go along with everything and support them, or ignore what's happening in the hope that everything will turn out fine?

@ALS94 I agree with “educating yourself” : have you seen the thread in AIBU on Trans surgery complications? It’s very enlightening. There are some photos too.

Reading with interest. 19 year old DS said before Christmas he i thinks he is trans which was a total bolt out of the blue. He fits the computer gaming room dweller scenario. Unfortunately he hasn’t been physically or mentally well and only lasted a couple of weeks at university in the autumn. He is now improving on that front and stating to look for work .

Also is going to have an ASD assessment once I can sort it. Comes on top of an incredibly stressful year last year with several bereavements and moving. I don’t really feel like I have the emotional reserves to deal with this currently as coping with illness too. We are being supportive but not encouraging if that makes sense, trying to do as requested ie. Use new name and pronoun but no more.

Is it worth reflecting on why he's drawn to trans or non-binary young people, and they're drawn to him?

Some people are trans. Not very many, maybe not even many as currently identify as such. But some people are trans, not because they're perverted, or damaged, or easily lead, they just are.

You know your child best, and you love him. Listen to him above all others.

Is your friend still attracted to women because she is in fact male ?

I suggest educating yourself, Google is a wonderful thing. But then again, ignorance is bliss

and this is where the world is going wrong.

google is not “education”.

I can't help but think that his problems are due to his belief of his sexuality

I would reframe this - you are thinking about this as the cause where it is likely to be a symptom of him feeling lonely/disconnected/disenfranchised during lockdown and unable to figure out who he is and wants he wants to do. If you are unhappy and someone is telling you there is a solve by becoming someone else that is very powerful and it is an accepting community.

Work on helping him through the underlying issues that are causing this