My son thinks he's trans but I really don't - does that make me a bad parent?

[CassyJ]

Just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with this? Last year, aged 17, my son declared he was trans straight out of the blue. I certainly wouldn't have an issue with this but up until then, he had never shown any signs of being trans. He has always been a 'typical lad', into boys games, very masculine based hobbies such as wrestling and football, and has had quite a few girlfriends, but even now, he is still into the same kind of hobbies and has no female traits at all. The only thing he has tried has been to wear a little make-up and grow his hair.

I can see a point at which this all began, and it was when we went into lockdown due to covd that the schools were doing online lessons for about a year. He didn't have any outside contact with his friends, and spent his life on his computer playing games etc. I then became aware that some people he was talking to, including school friends, had 'come out' as non-binary, gender fluid and trans, and that's when he decided he was too. He has always been a follower and my gut reaction as a mum is that he has been influenced to believe that this is the way he should be living his life. He is now very defensive over the LGBT community which I this is a good thing, but excessively so. He has now given up on college because he said it's affecting his mental health, and has made two attempts at suicide which has really knocked us for six as a family. He has a meeting with the mental health team in two weeks, but I can't help but think that his problems are due to his belief of his sexuality. So sorry to drone on, but does anybody have any suggestions or thoughts on this? Thank you so much in advance.

This thread is 6 weeks old so it’s weird that it’s in ‘active’ now.

CMupnorth appears to have randomly bumped it up with pro-genital-mutilation propaganda 🤷‍♀️

In my lifetime, the professionals said that homosexuality was a mental illness. It's not healthy to treat professional ideas with complete reverence.

Yes, very.

A year ago, our then 12 year old daughter announced out of the blue that she wanted to be a boy. We had absolutely not seen that coming - she’d always been such a girly girl. She wanted to get her long hair cut (but still went for a girl style), she dressed in baggy, drab coloured clothes for a few months but still loved pretty flowery fabrics. We decided just to watch and wait while at the same time reassuring her we were there for her.

One year on, she’s just had her bedroom done in the most girly way imaginable, she’s growing her hair again, she’s back to wearing skirts, back to wanting everything to be pink and white. Her friends had been calling her a male name but she’s back to her own name again. She’s just bought DH a mug that says something on it about being from his daughter. She said it started in lockdown with her too, when she wasn’t getting proper contact with her friends and had time to think.

I am going through the exact situation with my son. Xbox, anime, discord, reddit... I feel helpless and powerless. Took to therapy, the gender therapist does nothing but nodding to what my son says. The online community has manipulated him not to trust medical system and they have encouraged him to try DIYHRT and sent the hormones. Thankfully I found all these with just 2 shots gone in. Someone please help me get over this and need some advice as how to navigate this.

@ChangingFate this is an old thread, i'd advise you to start a new one. I don't have much good advice but try Transgender Trend and the Bayswater Support group.

No, HE was not depressed and miserable.
He was groomed over the pandemic.

I am going through similar with my son. He won’t talk about his feelings though. We’ve always known he doesn’t fit in with stereotypical boys and we feel his disconnect with other boys is because he’s autistic. The onset of puberty has been incredibly hard for him to cope with, and this seems to have coincided with this thought that he is transgender and wants to be a girl. Yet he doesn’t want to wear girls clothes, he does have long hair but has always had long hair, but he doesn’t show any leanings towards wanting anything related to being feminine. He has shut himself off from the world, and struggles to interact even within our family. I’m so lost, and scared. I don’t know where to turn. If I could sing a therapist that would genuinely help him explore his feelings without being pro trans I would happily send him to one, but I don’t know where to start looking. He has been groomed. By friends, YouTube, and so on. I’m lost and scared.

I know this is an old thread but I don’t want to start a new one

@countingkids123 I'm just trying to gently steer my two away from anything permanent. They both want to start "HRT" but don't have the initiative to get referred to a clinic.

@CassyJ Curious about how this has played out for you over the past two years? My son is 17 and is now telling me that he has felt that he is a girl for 3 years now. Where are you and your son at in this process? Does he still have these feelings of being a girl?

@Marsbrack There are a lot of stories of children and young adults desisting from their trans identity. Some are told here : Home | Parents Of Desisters

Also, have you looked at the advice from Bayswater Support Group? They are often recommended here, for good reason as they take a caring, evidence based approach: About Us – Bayswater Support

Hey! I'm a young trans person and would be happy to talk in DMs from my perspective if you want :)

I know this thread is a couple of years old but I literally word for word could have written this. My son has a recent friend who has told him she it's trans and will be transitioning to a he. Their family is in complete uproar. Now my son has suddenly come out saying he's transitioning as a female. Now exactly the same since covid he e lived life online 0 signs ever until the point he's gone to college and met this friend. Not his older siblings have noticed 1 thing. He's definitely been suffering mentally in bed all day up all night bad routine since covid lockdown never got him out if it only now he's net this friend at college last month he's out if bed and like you say he's a follower. Now I've told him I love him and will support him no matter what but I'm completely sidetracked and in absolute disbelief I do not believe it and think he's struggling with mental health and society influence in this generation. Please can I ask what's happened in the past 2 years I'm hoping to get some therapy for him/ us it's so shocking and confusing when it's happening in your family. But I have absolutely nothing against anyone being themselves and being happy I just feel like this is a phase he's like a 14 year old in a 17 year old body.. My mother is distraught being an older lady she thinks he's got a mental illness like borderline personality but I'm not sure ilon anything at the moment. His dad is also in absolute disbelief.

Here is an update after 1 year. We tested him for ADHD and autism and has both. Next we took the non medication route, changed the diet completely to include more healthy options. After trying 3 therapists, I finally found one who really connected with my son. At this point , he stopped bugging me hormones and started telling me that he might be gay even though he has been liking girls. After 1 year of being at home, he finally stepped out of the house and now attending in person school. Still some days are good and some days he is very moody. But a huge difference and gives me hope over time, he will get over this. One thing I observed is that he is trying to fit somewhere into the LGBTQ group , as if being a part of LGBTQ is some elite status.

We’re nearly 3 years down the line. Not much progress, he does not respond to anti depressants (had 4 or 5), private psychiatrist discharged him as said he is unable to help further.

I think he is taking hormones obtained from goodness only knows where. I made my opinions on this very clear and was asked if I would rather he killed himself. He hasn’t asked again for us to call him another name as he did at the beginning and is still wearing male clothes.

He has an ASD diagnosis now. Is no closer to being able to go to college or work so we reluctantly asked him to claim UC in the summer so is going through the process as the cost of counselling, psychiatrist, ASD assessment is starting to push 10k along with feeding him and it it’s important he gets NI credit.

At his worst he stopped playing online and didn’t come and watch TV with us but he is in a routine with both now. I have tried pushing and it made things worse so now operate on a trying to keep things on an even keel and encouraging any interest he shows in anything. He has started cooking, does his washing and keeps things tidy. It is tiny progress but I will take what I can get.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The suicide attempts must have been terrifying, and I can hear how much you love your son and want to understand what's happening.
I have a trans daughter, so I come at this from a particular angle. But I also know that every young person is different, and a mother's instinct that something isn't quite right deserves respect, not dismissal.
A few thoughts, offered gently.
The timing you describe, lockdown, online communities, friends coming out, that pattern does raise questions for some parents. But I'd offer another way to look at it too. Lockdown gave many young people time away from social performance, space to think, and access to language they hadn't encountered before. For some, that was when things clicked into place rather than when they were led astray.
The suicide attempts are what concern me most here. Whatever is driving them, your child is in serious pain. When the mental health team meets with him, the most important thing is that he feels safe enough to be honest about everything he's experiencing, not just the gender questions but the isolation, the college struggles, all of it.
I'd gently suggest that going into that meeting focused on disproving his identity might make him less likely to open up. It might be more helpful to frame your concern as "I want to understand what you're feeling and make sure you're supported" rather than "I think you've been influenced."
Has he said what he's hoping for? Is he asking for medical steps, or is this more about identity and social recognition for now?