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DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?

258 replies

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 08:19

(To pre-empt any comments about how awful it must be to live next door to us: yes, I fully acknowledge that WE are in the wrong here. Be gentle though: life with a severely autistic child is almost breaking us.)

I would like some helpful advice about how to compensate our very awkward neighbours for what is, on paper, a minor piece of damage, but for them may have sentimental value. I'm sorry in advance for a long and rambling story!

We live next door (semis but not adjoining to these NDNs) to a couple in their fairly early retirements years, I'd guess. We've lived here nearly 16 years - they have 'always' been here and believe me, we've felt that over the years! Here's a bit of - no doubt irrelevant - background:

We are not their ideal neighbours, I'll be clear on that. For starters, we're a younger generation to them. We have children (one of whom was born soon after we moved in): they are childfree and don't seem to like children that much. We have cats, though they have litter trays and as far as I can tell, ours always poo in our garden (there's a dedicated place for them to do that) or on the 'no man's land' on the other side of the little access lane at the back of our houses. I've tried to keep things cordial re the cats, have several times suggested that if they ARE being a nuisance, that I'll buy the NDNs a powerful water pistol! or that they scare them off. We also have a messy garden. Theirs is not. However, we're far from being the only people round here who simply don't have time to garden. It's not full of junk or anything, it's more like unkempt grass and no-mow May sort of thing. And the dark and shady front yard is quite weedy. However, while they might tut about this, it's not illegal and I'm not feeling too guilty about it.

They are ... quite hard themselves to live next door to. Their shed-mounted security light is often on all night. They do a hell of a lot of very noisy DIY, with power tools a speciality at 8.30 am on weekends. They always seem to have someone over there tinkering with this or that. (That's fine, it's their right. it's not always quiet though) They bother the local council into coming and cutting back small trees and hedging on the no-man's land (trees that were bothering absolutely nobody and were a wildlife corridor) and to spray herbicide on the strip of grass and plants there - again, not an issue for anyone else. They seem not to like actual wildlife (we live at the edge of a small rural village). They're also very hung up on land access and love to remind us that they have the right of access to come onto a part of our property (at the front) at any time to trim their vine or whatever, since these all used to be council properties and there used to be no front fences (??) and there was a 'right of way' that ran across the frontages for access, and while they've had a special dispensation from the local council to buy the rights to their part of this, ours still belongs to the council and therefore they are allowed in, and technically we (and most of our neighbours!) have 'unlawful' fences across this 'route' (that goes nowhere), etc etc. I'm mentioning all this just to give an impression of the sort of barrack-room lawyer one of them can be!

His partner just seems perpetually grumpy. (She may have all sorts of personal reasons to be - I've tried and mostly failed to be friendly over the years - Christmas cards, the odd jar of jam, etc. I don't know her at all really.) It's she who tends to come over with any complaint they might have.

Ok, I know I've been prevaricating and risking the ire of MNers. Here's the current issue: DS2, who is severely autistic and has LDs, and DH, were setting out for a walk yesterday. DH was reasonably relaxed about not hanging onto DS2 on our back drive (aiming to set out across the meadow as usual) and was therefore taken by surprise when DS2 decided to bloody leg it down our drive, and into the mouth of the NDNs. This is unusual (but not totally unheard of). By the time DH had run after him and nabbed him, DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off. Sad

Obviously I'm really upset for NDNs about this. Regardless of what a PITA they have been over the years (and I know we're not their favourite people) this was their property and they valued it, and it's horrible to have something of yours broken, even if by accident or through no malicious intent. DH had hustled DS away on their walk (I was volunteering at a village event so not at home) and the NDNs were out for the day, but he rang me, and I, horrified, immediately whatsapp'd the NDNs and 'fessed up. I said I was very sorry, and that they should please tell me what we can do to make it up to them by means of repair or replacement.

I didn't get a reply though I can see they've read it. Later on, DH was supervising DS in our garden for a bit and the lovely NDN who tends to be the less friendly of the pair came out of her drive and snarled at DH that she 'supposed he'd be paying for a return trip to the Canary Isles, would he, since that is where the tiles were bought and they have sentimental value' ... DH said, he was very sorry.

NDNs do know our son is severely autistic. They have shown zero compassion for either him or for us over the years, we and he are just an annoyance.* Of course, why should they care if he's got a lifelong disability which occasionally makes him behave like this? It's nothing to them and it's not THEIR fault. It's not his, or our fault, either, but clearly he got out of our control and that's on us.

But I can see that they will be ramping this up into a grudge. I would go a long way to avoid this becoming a major problem. (they have form for blowing up minor irritations with their neighbours on their other side, who have now moved away, and in fact this led to those neighbours having two house sales fall through! Long story) I'm terrified that they'll simmer about this and it'll all blow up in our face, or they'll make it a 'dispute' that would have to be declared to an estate agent.

So how do I compensate them? I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine? I mean no, I'm not about to fund a return trip to the Canaries but she can't have been serious, surely?? I just want to try and do the right thing here, but if I'm honest, I also want to try and get the moral ground too, I want to be seen to have done all that's reasonable so that we know at least that we did all we could. Because I have a nasty feeling this may run and run...

*(Once, DS2 managed to break through our not inconsiderable defences and exited the house and ran into the village. We immediately called the police as we were pursuing him a few minutes behind. The police turned up at our address while we were cornering him in the village. The NDNs went round to our house and BULLIED my lovely older son, telling him it was a disgrace that the police were waiting outside (to be clear, my lovely and then 15 yo son asked them in, on my instructions as we were on our way back with DS2, and they politely refused as he was under age). They said some really unpleasant things to DS1 about us and our younger son. This all seemed off the back of us relaxing our vigilance for five minutes. We have to be hyper-vigilant and locked-down ALL the time. We're exhausted and sometimes - as with all parents of SEND kids at one point or another - the defences break down and my son will take advantage of that. We're just so tired. There's no bloody respite available from our county, they won't even allocate us a SEN social worker because they're like gold dust, and our relationship and physical health is suffering. None of this is of any interest to our NDNs of course, but it's breaking us. This sort of thing feels like the last straw.)

OP posts:
Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:21

keepincool · 10/05/2026 11:08

You said

"Of course he understood what he was doing. Jeez he’s autistic, not brain dead or stupid!"

My point is that, owing to his significant learning disabilities, OP's son did not understand that what he was doing was wrong or that it would have consequences.

I never said he understood what he was doing was wrong or that it would have bad consequences???

You’ve quoted part of my post but not the next part where I said he likely wanted to see what they felt like/play.

He likely just wanted to play with them or hold them to see what they felt like.

Savvysix1984 · 10/05/2026 11:21

I think what you’ve offered is perfect. However regardless of your dc’s autism, he’s two. Two year olds need to be supervised at all times and the fact he was able to run there and pull it off meant he wasn’t close enough to your dh to be safe. I would be letting dh sort it and communicate with them.

Lavender14 · 10/05/2026 11:21

Source the replacement tile, send it round with a card and bottle of wine offer to have the tiles fitted then draw a line under it op.

Some people just are angry at the world for their own reasons and like having an emotional punch bag to take it out on. So do what you can and if they choose to hold a grudge after that then it's completely up to them. You can only do what you can do and you can't control how they react.

You are tying yourself into knots trying to please people who aren't going to be pleased so let that go and just make sure you try to put your best foot forward.

Fsfs · 10/05/2026 11:22

They are clearly very nasty people. You sent an apology and admission and offered to compensate them. And you’ve sourced tiles. I’d send one further messages offering to buy and ship the tiles. Then you have proof that you offered to make good the damage.

It’s ok for them to be angry and upset about the damage, but they should have kept that to themselves and dealt civilly with the remediation, knowing full well that a severely autistic child did this. it’s not ok for them to snarl about a return trip to the canaries. they sound horrible.

sweatybetty85 · 10/05/2026 11:23

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 10:29

I may need to sit on my hands on this thread from now on, but please see my original post about how DS2 is severely autistic with LDs, and also the post I just made to someone else, about how he is autistic and doesn't understand things. He didn't maliciously damage the tiles, he's compelled to do stuff and he just managed to get a head start this time, unfortunately. So yes, absolutely I think he had an experimental fiddle and pried them off. I think that because he does that sort of thing inside our own house all the bloody time! His DLA doesn't cover the amount of things he's broken or picked at... But he doesn't have the capacity to understand a) that doing this is really bad, b) that it's not on with someone else's things, c) that it can't be magically mended again and that prying things off can be for keeps.

So yes, he did it intentionally, but not with malicious intent and he doesn't have the capacity to understand the consequences of his actions, which is why he needs 1:1 at all times and sometimes 2:1, and will require adult care for his entire life, including after DH and I have died (presumably from exhaustion).

Hey, I am an occupational therapist in a learning disability team. People responding to you so naively have NO idea of what it is like with a child qho has an LD and autism. How lovely for them to be able to have that privilege of thinking you can just explain to him not to do it. I wouldn't even bother responding to them anymore OP.

What you have suggested as reconciliation is perfect. I would much rather have you as my neighbours than them! I'd also offer you a hand from time to time and some free OT!

x2boys · 10/05/2026 11:23

To quote you
You wrote "of course he undrstood what he was doing
Jeez he autistic hes not brain dead or stupid"
The point is someone wuth that level of disabillity doesnt have the capacity to understand why they are doing something and why its wrong.

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:25

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:19

The thread is about a very young child UNintentionally breaking something that was already about to succumb to gravity anyway.

No he pried them off with his fingers - so he intentionally broke them, as OP has said herself.

But apparently you know DS more than his own mother and you were there when it happened.

Or maybe you just don’t understand what the word intentional means.

He didn’t brush past them or fall into them, which would be an accident.

He intentionally went directly to them and was prying them off - as OP has said.
And why she’s so mortified by it and worrying about how to compensate them.

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:28

Fsfs · 10/05/2026 11:22

They are clearly very nasty people. You sent an apology and admission and offered to compensate them. And you’ve sourced tiles. I’d send one further messages offering to buy and ship the tiles. Then you have proof that you offered to make good the damage.

It’s ok for them to be angry and upset about the damage, but they should have kept that to themselves and dealt civilly with the remediation, knowing full well that a severely autistic child did this. it’s not ok for them to snarl about a return trip to the canaries. they sound horrible.

I agree. I’d be of a mind of replying that they can take up a free trip to the Canaries with their home insurance if they think that’s a reasonable cost to replace house number tiles negligently glued to a wood post that happened to fall off when my son was nearby.

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:29

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:25

No he pried them off with his fingers - so he intentionally broke them, as OP has said herself.

But apparently you know DS more than his own mother and you were there when it happened.

Or maybe you just don’t understand what the word intentional means.

He didn’t brush past them or fall into them, which would be an accident.

He intentionally went directly to them and was prying them off - as OP has said.
And why she’s so mortified by it and worrying about how to compensate them.

That’s not intentionally breaking.
You can pull tiles off without breaking them.
You can also be touching tiles and they unintentionally come off.

The OP said that the outset it was unintentional
DS (ASD) accidentally broke
DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off.

They don’t know if he used any effort to pry them off or if they just fell off after being touched because it happened before the DH caught up

AmberSpy · 10/05/2026 11:30

Savvysix1984 · 10/05/2026 11:21

I think what you’ve offered is perfect. However regardless of your dc’s autism, he’s two. Two year olds need to be supervised at all times and the fact he was able to run there and pull it off meant he wasn’t close enough to your dh to be safe. I would be letting dh sort it and communicate with them.

I don't think the child is two, he's their second child (hence DS2).

MelanzaneParmigiana · 10/05/2026 11:32

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/05/2026 08:24

I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine?

Perfect, do that.

Stop angsting after that. Your neighbours are never going to be happy, that's not their default setting. You cant change that, you can only do your best to put right the damage.

This

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:34

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:29

That’s not intentionally breaking.
You can pull tiles off without breaking them.
You can also be touching tiles and they unintentionally come off.

The OP said that the outset it was unintentional
DS (ASD) accidentally broke
DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off.

They don’t know if he used any effort to pry them off or if they just fell off after being touched because it happened before the DH caught up

Edited

But he intentionally pried them off/fiddled with them and they broke - which is why OP is going to be paying for the damages.

I’m not sure why that’s so hard to grasp for some people.

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:36

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:34

But he intentionally pried them off/fiddled with them and they broke - which is why OP is going to be paying for the damages.

I’m not sure why that’s so hard to grasp for some people.

I am not so sure why it is so hard for some people to grasp that accidental is an antonym of intentional. Or that you still pay for damages even if accidental.

Didimum · 10/05/2026 11:40

The majority of your post is irrelevant. Your child damaged their property – replace it, say sorry. You can change what’s happened in the past and you can control their reaction or behaviour in the future. All you can do is move on.

HoraceCope · 10/05/2026 11:40

they sound awful,
can you tell them what you suggest rather than just present it?

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:40

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:29

That’s not intentionally breaking.
You can pull tiles off without breaking them.
You can also be touching tiles and they unintentionally come off.

The OP said that the outset it was unintentional
DS (ASD) accidentally broke
DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off.

They don’t know if he used any effort to pry them off or if they just fell off after being touched because it happened before the DH caught up

Edited

Come on now, you are surely not arguing that it was ok for him to pry them off even if they didn’t break.

Stop trying to pass the blame to the neighbours or find excuses.

OP has said he was prying them off.

As I said, he was likely just wanting to play with them or touch them to see what they feel like - but he intentionally touched them and so he/DH is to blame for them breaking and therefore they need to pay to replace them.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 10/05/2026 11:47

No one has said it is “ok”

We’re trying to explain to you that the boy doesn’t have the ability to understand that he was intentionally breaking them. That there was no malice.

His understanding is “oh that looks interesting. I wonder what it feels like to pull” and what ever happens is a consequence of that and not “oh I’m going to go and break those off that”

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:48

OP recognises that DS broke the tiles and that was because DH took his eye off of him.

There was nothing malicious here and it’s just one of those things that happens.
We’ve all had similar things happen at some point in our lives.

As I said, I think buying them online, writing an apology card and maybe a bottle of wine/chocolates is more than enough compensation.

alliumursinum · 10/05/2026 11:51

@DisgruntledofTunbridge your solution is perfect (but as others have said, run it past the neighbours beforehand!)

I can't actually believe that another poster wrote that they suspected living next to a child with LD was unpleasant.. I'm sorry that you and your family live in a world that doesn't show the understanding you deserve.

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:51

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 10/05/2026 11:47

No one has said it is “ok”

We’re trying to explain to you that the boy doesn’t have the ability to understand that he was intentionally breaking them. That there was no malice.

His understanding is “oh that looks interesting. I wonder what it feels like to pull” and what ever happens is a consequence of that and not “oh I’m going to go and break those off that”

And I said he was likely just wanting to play with them or see what they felt like and it wasn’t malicious. Which I’ve said multiple times.

But prying them off with his fingers is very different to brushing past them and them falling off.

I don’t want to derail the thread as Op has already acknowledged that he/DH was to blame and that she’ll be compensating them and so everyone who is trying to argue with that, isn’t actually helping her.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 10/05/2026 11:53

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:51

And I said he was likely just wanting to play with them or see what they felt like and it wasn’t malicious. Which I’ve said multiple times.

But prying them off with his fingers is very different to brushing past them and them falling off.

I don’t want to derail the thread as Op has already acknowledged that he/DH was to blame and that she’ll be compensating them and so everyone who is trying to argue with that, isn’t actually helping her.

It’s not different.

They’re broken either way and not because someone maliciously broke them off.

sweatybetty85 · 10/05/2026 11:54

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:40

Come on now, you are surely not arguing that it was ok for him to pry them off even if they didn’t break.

Stop trying to pass the blame to the neighbours or find excuses.

OP has said he was prying them off.

As I said, he was likely just wanting to play with them or touch them to see what they feel like - but he intentionally touched them and so he/DH is to blame for them breaking and therefore they need to pay to replace them.

I am an occupational therapist in a learning disability team. Yes, what he did was intentional, but due to the LD he would not understand the consequence of his intentional actions. Surely that is not hard to grasp?

Changednameagain999 · 10/05/2026 11:58

If it’s number 44 I’ve spare house number tiles from canaries I can send you!

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 10/05/2026 12:13

HoppityBun · 10/05/2026 10:36

He knew exactly what he was doing. He literally pried them off, intentionally. He wasn’t sleepwalking and he wasn’t in a trance. What he didn’t understand, was that it was wrong to do so.

He knew that it looked interesting, he knew he wanted to explore it with his hands for tactile sensation, he didn't know because he can't understand that it is property damage or that it would impact other people. He doesn't have that capacity. He didn't set out with the intent of ruining someone's property for shits and giggles.

He eloped, for whatever reason, and stopped when something took his interest and he felt compelled to explore it, maybe because it was visually striking and something he had seen before. That's about it. No malicious intent.

Zippidydoodah · 10/05/2026 12:32

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 10/05/2026 09:21

And yes I do know severely autistic children.

Right, so you think he would have purposefully pulled off the tiles because his mum doesn’t like the neighbours? 🤔