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DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?

258 replies

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 08:19

(To pre-empt any comments about how awful it must be to live next door to us: yes, I fully acknowledge that WE are in the wrong here. Be gentle though: life with a severely autistic child is almost breaking us.)

I would like some helpful advice about how to compensate our very awkward neighbours for what is, on paper, a minor piece of damage, but for them may have sentimental value. I'm sorry in advance for a long and rambling story!

We live next door (semis but not adjoining to these NDNs) to a couple in their fairly early retirements years, I'd guess. We've lived here nearly 16 years - they have 'always' been here and believe me, we've felt that over the years! Here's a bit of - no doubt irrelevant - background:

We are not their ideal neighbours, I'll be clear on that. For starters, we're a younger generation to them. We have children (one of whom was born soon after we moved in): they are childfree and don't seem to like children that much. We have cats, though they have litter trays and as far as I can tell, ours always poo in our garden (there's a dedicated place for them to do that) or on the 'no man's land' on the other side of the little access lane at the back of our houses. I've tried to keep things cordial re the cats, have several times suggested that if they ARE being a nuisance, that I'll buy the NDNs a powerful water pistol! or that they scare them off. We also have a messy garden. Theirs is not. However, we're far from being the only people round here who simply don't have time to garden. It's not full of junk or anything, it's more like unkempt grass and no-mow May sort of thing. And the dark and shady front yard is quite weedy. However, while they might tut about this, it's not illegal and I'm not feeling too guilty about it.

They are ... quite hard themselves to live next door to. Their shed-mounted security light is often on all night. They do a hell of a lot of very noisy DIY, with power tools a speciality at 8.30 am on weekends. They always seem to have someone over there tinkering with this or that. (That's fine, it's their right. it's not always quiet though) They bother the local council into coming and cutting back small trees and hedging on the no-man's land (trees that were bothering absolutely nobody and were a wildlife corridor) and to spray herbicide on the strip of grass and plants there - again, not an issue for anyone else. They seem not to like actual wildlife (we live at the edge of a small rural village). They're also very hung up on land access and love to remind us that they have the right of access to come onto a part of our property (at the front) at any time to trim their vine or whatever, since these all used to be council properties and there used to be no front fences (??) and there was a 'right of way' that ran across the frontages for access, and while they've had a special dispensation from the local council to buy the rights to their part of this, ours still belongs to the council and therefore they are allowed in, and technically we (and most of our neighbours!) have 'unlawful' fences across this 'route' (that goes nowhere), etc etc. I'm mentioning all this just to give an impression of the sort of barrack-room lawyer one of them can be!

His partner just seems perpetually grumpy. (She may have all sorts of personal reasons to be - I've tried and mostly failed to be friendly over the years - Christmas cards, the odd jar of jam, etc. I don't know her at all really.) It's she who tends to come over with any complaint they might have.

Ok, I know I've been prevaricating and risking the ire of MNers. Here's the current issue: DS2, who is severely autistic and has LDs, and DH, were setting out for a walk yesterday. DH was reasonably relaxed about not hanging onto DS2 on our back drive (aiming to set out across the meadow as usual) and was therefore taken by surprise when DS2 decided to bloody leg it down our drive, and into the mouth of the NDNs. This is unusual (but not totally unheard of). By the time DH had run after him and nabbed him, DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off. Sad

Obviously I'm really upset for NDNs about this. Regardless of what a PITA they have been over the years (and I know we're not their favourite people) this was their property and they valued it, and it's horrible to have something of yours broken, even if by accident or through no malicious intent. DH had hustled DS away on their walk (I was volunteering at a village event so not at home) and the NDNs were out for the day, but he rang me, and I, horrified, immediately whatsapp'd the NDNs and 'fessed up. I said I was very sorry, and that they should please tell me what we can do to make it up to them by means of repair or replacement.

I didn't get a reply though I can see they've read it. Later on, DH was supervising DS in our garden for a bit and the lovely NDN who tends to be the less friendly of the pair came out of her drive and snarled at DH that she 'supposed he'd be paying for a return trip to the Canary Isles, would he, since that is where the tiles were bought and they have sentimental value' ... DH said, he was very sorry.

NDNs do know our son is severely autistic. They have shown zero compassion for either him or for us over the years, we and he are just an annoyance.* Of course, why should they care if he's got a lifelong disability which occasionally makes him behave like this? It's nothing to them and it's not THEIR fault. It's not his, or our fault, either, but clearly he got out of our control and that's on us.

But I can see that they will be ramping this up into a grudge. I would go a long way to avoid this becoming a major problem. (they have form for blowing up minor irritations with their neighbours on their other side, who have now moved away, and in fact this led to those neighbours having two house sales fall through! Long story) I'm terrified that they'll simmer about this and it'll all blow up in our face, or they'll make it a 'dispute' that would have to be declared to an estate agent.

So how do I compensate them? I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine? I mean no, I'm not about to fund a return trip to the Canaries but she can't have been serious, surely?? I just want to try and do the right thing here, but if I'm honest, I also want to try and get the moral ground too, I want to be seen to have done all that's reasonable so that we know at least that we did all we could. Because I have a nasty feeling this may run and run...

*(Once, DS2 managed to break through our not inconsiderable defences and exited the house and ran into the village. We immediately called the police as we were pursuing him a few minutes behind. The police turned up at our address while we were cornering him in the village. The NDNs went round to our house and BULLIED my lovely older son, telling him it was a disgrace that the police were waiting outside (to be clear, my lovely and then 15 yo son asked them in, on my instructions as we were on our way back with DS2, and they politely refused as he was under age). They said some really unpleasant things to DS1 about us and our younger son. This all seemed off the back of us relaxing our vigilance for five minutes. We have to be hyper-vigilant and locked-down ALL the time. We're exhausted and sometimes - as with all parents of SEND kids at one point or another - the defences break down and my son will take advantage of that. We're just so tired. There's no bloody respite available from our county, they won't even allocate us a SEN social worker because they're like gold dust, and our relationship and physical health is suffering. None of this is of any interest to our NDNs of course, but it's breaking us. This sort of thing feels like the last straw.)

OP posts:
Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 10/05/2026 10:30

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:17

It was intentional he went onto their drive and pulled them off that's not an accident by any means

He has no concept of intent or accident

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:31

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:17

It was intentional he went onto their drive and pulled them off that's not an accident by any means

Again for something to be intentional the person doing it has to be able to unnderstsnd what they are doing.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/05/2026 10:32

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:24

The next door neighbour is also a woman or are you being ageist and saying women can't support older women?. If you provide a wall of text attempting to justify your behaviour then it's reasonable for people to respond to the wall of text not just to the points you hoped they'd take from it. My granny used to say less is more.

The neighbour isn't the one posting.

Am I being ageist? What mental gymnastics did you do to come up with that one? I am no spring chicken myself so no, I am not being ageist.

I have empathy for OP because some neighbours can be a pain in the arse and OP is trying her best. Accidents happen.

I live in a street full of children and if a child damaged anything on my property I would understand it wasn't done in malice and I wouldn't act like an arsehole.

Dragracer · 10/05/2026 10:33

I'd literally offer to stick them back on for them.
Imo it'd be a waste of 50 quid, it won't make any difference to them, it won't be good enough. Literally paying for them a holiday wouldn't be good enough for them. Shit happens. You put something outside in reach of every passerby it's something you expect to get damaged at some point. The tiles could just as likely have already broken as happens with things left outside.

They hate you, they still hate you, they will still hate you no matter what you do 🤷 not everyone in life is going to like you, it is what it is.

HoppityBun · 10/05/2026 10:36

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:31

Again for something to be intentional the person doing it has to be able to unnderstsnd what they are doing.

He knew exactly what he was doing. He literally pried them off, intentionally. He wasn’t sleepwalking and he wasn’t in a trance. What he didn’t understand, was that it was wrong to do so.

tsmainsqueeze · 10/05/2026 10:36

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 10/05/2026 09:10

This. Keep an eye on your child and tell him not to touch anything to do with the neighbours. He knows what is theirs or not. He may think because you don’t seem to like them that it’s ok to mess around and break eg these tiles as it’s tit for tat in his eyes but it’s absolutely not ok. The police thing though with your other son was out of order. I’d have said that to them too re the police.

Helpful 🙄

PlimptonInSummertown · 10/05/2026 10:38

BreezyMintHiker · 10/05/2026 08:25

Vile people. I wouldn’t be getting them anything. They’ll never be satisfied. You’ve said sorry.

I have to say I’d be more likely to wait for them to say what they want to be done about it.

Replacing and notes and so forth is what I’d do for a normal or unknown or of course lovely neighbour.

There’s a certain type of person who will take any energy at all that you give to them and turn it into something nasty. These are definitely that sort of person. They hate you anyway, so let them.

Butterme · 10/05/2026 10:38

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 10:29

I may need to sit on my hands on this thread from now on, but please see my original post about how DS2 is severely autistic with LDs, and also the post I just made to someone else, about how he is autistic and doesn't understand things. He didn't maliciously damage the tiles, he's compelled to do stuff and he just managed to get a head start this time, unfortunately. So yes, absolutely I think he had an experimental fiddle and pried them off. I think that because he does that sort of thing inside our own house all the bloody time! His DLA doesn't cover the amount of things he's broken or picked at... But he doesn't have the capacity to understand a) that doing this is really bad, b) that it's not on with someone else's things, c) that it can't be magically mended again and that prying things off can be for keeps.

So yes, he did it intentionally, but not with malicious intent and he doesn't have the capacity to understand the consequences of his actions, which is why he needs 1:1 at all times and sometimes 2:1, and will require adult care for his entire life, including after DH and I have died (presumably from exhaustion).

No one has said that he did it maliciously.

But he did do it intentionally.
He went and pried them off.

If he had walked past and accidentally brushed them and they fell off, then that is not intentional.

Just because he’s autistic does not mean he’s stupid. That doesn’t mean his actions are malicious.

But as you say, he ran directly to them and was prying them off - which is intentional.

I’m not sure why you and other posters are trying to deny that or implying posters are saying it was malicious when I’ve not seen anyone say that (I definitely didn’t) because it’s not painting you in a good light.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/05/2026 10:38

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 10:29

I may need to sit on my hands on this thread from now on, but please see my original post about how DS2 is severely autistic with LDs, and also the post I just made to someone else, about how he is autistic and doesn't understand things. He didn't maliciously damage the tiles, he's compelled to do stuff and he just managed to get a head start this time, unfortunately. So yes, absolutely I think he had an experimental fiddle and pried them off. I think that because he does that sort of thing inside our own house all the bloody time! His DLA doesn't cover the amount of things he's broken or picked at... But he doesn't have the capacity to understand a) that doing this is really bad, b) that it's not on with someone else's things, c) that it can't be magically mended again and that prying things off can be for keeps.

So yes, he did it intentionally, but not with malicious intent and he doesn't have the capacity to understand the consequences of his actions, which is why he needs 1:1 at all times and sometimes 2:1, and will require adult care for his entire life, including after DH and I have died (presumably from exhaustion).

Ignore the nasty posters. They seem to get joy from deliberately misunderstanding the issue and winding people up with their spiteful comments. Don't rise to it.

You're doing your best and you're doing the right thing re NDN.

PlimptonInSummertown · 10/05/2026 10:39

Dragracer · 10/05/2026 10:33

I'd literally offer to stick them back on for them.
Imo it'd be a waste of 50 quid, it won't make any difference to them, it won't be good enough. Literally paying for them a holiday wouldn't be good enough for them. Shit happens. You put something outside in reach of every passerby it's something you expect to get damaged at some point. The tiles could just as likely have already broken as happens with things left outside.

They hate you, they still hate you, they will still hate you no matter what you do 🤷 not everyone in life is going to like you, it is what it is.

You said it so much better than I did!

MandyMotherOfBrian · 10/05/2026 10:41

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 10:29

I may need to sit on my hands on this thread from now on, but please see my original post about how DS2 is severely autistic with LDs, and also the post I just made to someone else, about how he is autistic and doesn't understand things. He didn't maliciously damage the tiles, he's compelled to do stuff and he just managed to get a head start this time, unfortunately. So yes, absolutely I think he had an experimental fiddle and pried them off. I think that because he does that sort of thing inside our own house all the bloody time! His DLA doesn't cover the amount of things he's broken or picked at... But he doesn't have the capacity to understand a) that doing this is really bad, b) that it's not on with someone else's things, c) that it can't be magically mended again and that prying things off can be for keeps.

So yes, he did it intentionally, but not with malicious intent and he doesn't have the capacity to understand the consequences of his actions, which is why he needs 1:1 at all times and sometimes 2:1, and will require adult care for his entire life, including after DH and I have died (presumably from exhaustion).

and will require adult care for his entire life, including after DH and I have died (presumably from exhaustion)

Aww, that bit really got to me, sending you a hug 🤗.

The first reply nailed it (with maybe adding in paying for them to be fitted). But, honestly, they’re never going to happy so there is no point in you dwelling on it after you’ve done as suggested. And forget about the rancid edgelords on this thread too, it’s for the best 😊.

user1473878824 · 10/05/2026 10:41

Well if I had to choose neighbours I’d certainly rather have you than them, @DisgruntledofTunbridge.

TheGirlattheBack · 10/05/2026 10:41

Let your neighbours know you are ordering replacements and replace the tiles as you’ve planned.

Sounds like they’ve conditioned you over the years to “not upset the neighbours” it’s like a very low level emotional abuse. If you had normal people next door it would be totally different….

You: Sorry my kid broke your sign. I’ll get you a new one.
Normal neighbour: Thanks, that’s great.

Kids break things, a rogue football could have done exactly the same damage. Stop beating yourself up and you need to try to stop paying attention to the weird neighbours.

Butterme · 10/05/2026 10:43

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:31

Again for something to be intentional the person doing it has to be able to unnderstsnd what they are doing.

Of course he understood what he was doing.

Jeez he’s autistic, not brain dead or stupid!

He likely just wanted to play with them or hold them to see what they felt like.

It was completely intentional as he went directly to them and pried them off with his fingers.

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:44

Butterme · 10/05/2026 10:38

No one has said that he did it maliciously.

But he did do it intentionally.
He went and pried them off.

If he had walked past and accidentally brushed them and they fell off, then that is not intentional.

Just because he’s autistic does not mean he’s stupid. That doesn’t mean his actions are malicious.

But as you say, he ran directly to them and was prying them off - which is intentional.

I’m not sure why you and other posters are trying to deny that or implying posters are saying it was malicious when I’ve not seen anyone say that (I definitely didn’t) because it’s not painting you in a good light.

The autstic spectrum is huge
The Ops son us severly autstic with learning disabillties
Obvioudly i dont know the Ops son
But going off my own severly autistic son with learning disabillies its like having a very large ,very determined toddler ,hes 16.

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:45

Butterme · 10/05/2026 10:43

Of course he understood what he was doing.

Jeez he’s autistic, not brain dead or stupid!

He likely just wanted to play with them or hold them to see what they felt like.

It was completely intentional as he went directly to them and pried them off with his fingers.

I dont think you undestsnd severe autism.

maudelovesharold · 10/05/2026 10:46

It’s evident to me from this thread (as if it wasn’t before), that some people are on MN solely to seek out any posters feeling vulnerable and anonymously put the boot in. Probably because they have so little fulfilment and agency in their own lives that their only release is to lash out. They don’t even confine themselves to AIBU fgs. As a pp so succinctly put it - do better. If you haven’t walked in the op’s shoes, stfu with your nasty judgmental comments.

chillyputsomesockson · 10/05/2026 10:46

OP you sound lovely however you are a massive overthinker. The neighbours might be irritated but you have apologised and have come up with a solution to replace the tile. Don’t spend the money on ordering it until you check that is what they want. If they go on about it being sentimental, you can’t dwell on it, they need to get over it.
My NDN regularly look after their severely autistic grandchild, I’ve told them to never apologise about the noise, we tell them we can’t hear them (we can hear them but I don’t want them worrying about that, he’s none verbal and has no concept of boundaries), if they were half decent neighbours they’d be a bit more understanding. If a child was able to prize off a tile it can’t have been that well secured in the first place.
stop stressing op x

(edited to fix typos)

PlimptonInSummertown · 10/05/2026 10:47

DontReplyAll · 10/05/2026 08:48

I feel for you, life sounds very difficult.

But that’s a lot of detail to persuade MNers to tell you it’s not your fault your family broke something belonging to the mean next door neighbours.

It doesn’t matter how horrible they are, you are responsible for apologising and agreeing a reasonable resolution. Everything else is irrelevant.

Well they apologised, the NDN didn’t exactly suggest a reasonable resolution did they?

PlimptonInSummertown · 10/05/2026 10:50

maudelovesharold · 10/05/2026 10:46

It’s evident to me from this thread (as if it wasn’t before), that some people are on MN solely to seek out any posters feeling vulnerable and anonymously put the boot in. Probably because they have so little fulfilment and agency in their own lives that their only release is to lash out. They don’t even confine themselves to AIBU fgs. As a pp so succinctly put it - do better. If you haven’t walked in the op’s shoes, stfu with your nasty judgmental comments.

It’s quite shocking. I suppose it’s the same sort of behaviour that makes the NDNs do things like go over and basically verbally abuse DS1 at an extremely vulnerable time. Who knows why these people do what they do.

Aknifewith16blades · 10/05/2026 10:51

OP, as I read about your son, I'm picturing 'Rosie' in the BBC show 'There she goes'. All instinct and determination, and not sense of consequences.

I hope you get it sorted and it all blows over.

bohemianwrapsody · 10/05/2026 10:53

The Canary Islands you say? Perhaps they'd like a ticket to Tenerife right now?

Seriously, I wouldn't go over the top grovelling with wine, chocolates etc. That only legitimises their attitude. I'd get replacements but please don't spend £50 on them. They would've spent very little on them. Have you looked on Ebay? I've bought Spanish pottery from there before. Etsy is another place I'd look. I wouldn't worry if they're not identical.

RosieSpring · 10/05/2026 10:53

Order the tiles on Amazon OP and then tell the neighbours you've sourced the tiles and are going to the canaries yourself to collect them Grin

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:53

Aknifewith16blades · 10/05/2026 10:51

OP, as I read about your son, I'm picturing 'Rosie' in the BBC show 'There she goes'. All instinct and determination, and not sense of consequences.

I hope you get it sorted and it all blows over.

Its a brilliant programme and it might educate a few posters ti the level of autism we are talking about

icepop2 · 10/05/2026 10:55

OP you write like an ND overthinker! Just saying as you have a child with ASD and it will have come from somewhere.. I think that's why so many NT people are questioning it. If you had written less then of course you know you'd later be accused of a drip feed. It's peak MN.

Anyway i think you're doing all the right things, I agree with a PP in asking if they'd rather you got them the tiles or gave them the cash. You're doing all you can, I'd just be very careful of have DS free range anywhere where he could access the neighbours property in future.

Is DS on melatonin if sleep is a major issue? I hope things get easier soon.