Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?

258 replies

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 08:19

(To pre-empt any comments about how awful it must be to live next door to us: yes, I fully acknowledge that WE are in the wrong here. Be gentle though: life with a severely autistic child is almost breaking us.)

I would like some helpful advice about how to compensate our very awkward neighbours for what is, on paper, a minor piece of damage, but for them may have sentimental value. I'm sorry in advance for a long and rambling story!

We live next door (semis but not adjoining to these NDNs) to a couple in their fairly early retirements years, I'd guess. We've lived here nearly 16 years - they have 'always' been here and believe me, we've felt that over the years! Here's a bit of - no doubt irrelevant - background:

We are not their ideal neighbours, I'll be clear on that. For starters, we're a younger generation to them. We have children (one of whom was born soon after we moved in): they are childfree and don't seem to like children that much. We have cats, though they have litter trays and as far as I can tell, ours always poo in our garden (there's a dedicated place for them to do that) or on the 'no man's land' on the other side of the little access lane at the back of our houses. I've tried to keep things cordial re the cats, have several times suggested that if they ARE being a nuisance, that I'll buy the NDNs a powerful water pistol! or that they scare them off. We also have a messy garden. Theirs is not. However, we're far from being the only people round here who simply don't have time to garden. It's not full of junk or anything, it's more like unkempt grass and no-mow May sort of thing. And the dark and shady front yard is quite weedy. However, while they might tut about this, it's not illegal and I'm not feeling too guilty about it.

They are ... quite hard themselves to live next door to. Their shed-mounted security light is often on all night. They do a hell of a lot of very noisy DIY, with power tools a speciality at 8.30 am on weekends. They always seem to have someone over there tinkering with this or that. (That's fine, it's their right. it's not always quiet though) They bother the local council into coming and cutting back small trees and hedging on the no-man's land (trees that were bothering absolutely nobody and were a wildlife corridor) and to spray herbicide on the strip of grass and plants there - again, not an issue for anyone else. They seem not to like actual wildlife (we live at the edge of a small rural village). They're also very hung up on land access and love to remind us that they have the right of access to come onto a part of our property (at the front) at any time to trim their vine or whatever, since these all used to be council properties and there used to be no front fences (??) and there was a 'right of way' that ran across the frontages for access, and while they've had a special dispensation from the local council to buy the rights to their part of this, ours still belongs to the council and therefore they are allowed in, and technically we (and most of our neighbours!) have 'unlawful' fences across this 'route' (that goes nowhere), etc etc. I'm mentioning all this just to give an impression of the sort of barrack-room lawyer one of them can be!

His partner just seems perpetually grumpy. (She may have all sorts of personal reasons to be - I've tried and mostly failed to be friendly over the years - Christmas cards, the odd jar of jam, etc. I don't know her at all really.) It's she who tends to come over with any complaint they might have.

Ok, I know I've been prevaricating and risking the ire of MNers. Here's the current issue: DS2, who is severely autistic and has LDs, and DH, were setting out for a walk yesterday. DH was reasonably relaxed about not hanging onto DS2 on our back drive (aiming to set out across the meadow as usual) and was therefore taken by surprise when DS2 decided to bloody leg it down our drive, and into the mouth of the NDNs. This is unusual (but not totally unheard of). By the time DH had run after him and nabbed him, DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off. Sad

Obviously I'm really upset for NDNs about this. Regardless of what a PITA they have been over the years (and I know we're not their favourite people) this was their property and they valued it, and it's horrible to have something of yours broken, even if by accident or through no malicious intent. DH had hustled DS away on their walk (I was volunteering at a village event so not at home) and the NDNs were out for the day, but he rang me, and I, horrified, immediately whatsapp'd the NDNs and 'fessed up. I said I was very sorry, and that they should please tell me what we can do to make it up to them by means of repair or replacement.

I didn't get a reply though I can see they've read it. Later on, DH was supervising DS in our garden for a bit and the lovely NDN who tends to be the less friendly of the pair came out of her drive and snarled at DH that she 'supposed he'd be paying for a return trip to the Canary Isles, would he, since that is where the tiles were bought and they have sentimental value' ... DH said, he was very sorry.

NDNs do know our son is severely autistic. They have shown zero compassion for either him or for us over the years, we and he are just an annoyance.* Of course, why should they care if he's got a lifelong disability which occasionally makes him behave like this? It's nothing to them and it's not THEIR fault. It's not his, or our fault, either, but clearly he got out of our control and that's on us.

But I can see that they will be ramping this up into a grudge. I would go a long way to avoid this becoming a major problem. (they have form for blowing up minor irritations with their neighbours on their other side, who have now moved away, and in fact this led to those neighbours having two house sales fall through! Long story) I'm terrified that they'll simmer about this and it'll all blow up in our face, or they'll make it a 'dispute' that would have to be declared to an estate agent.

So how do I compensate them? I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine? I mean no, I'm not about to fund a return trip to the Canaries but she can't have been serious, surely?? I just want to try and do the right thing here, but if I'm honest, I also want to try and get the moral ground too, I want to be seen to have done all that's reasonable so that we know at least that we did all we could. Because I have a nasty feeling this may run and run...

*(Once, DS2 managed to break through our not inconsiderable defences and exited the house and ran into the village. We immediately called the police as we were pursuing him a few minutes behind. The police turned up at our address while we were cornering him in the village. The NDNs went round to our house and BULLIED my lovely older son, telling him it was a disgrace that the police were waiting outside (to be clear, my lovely and then 15 yo son asked them in, on my instructions as we were on our way back with DS2, and they politely refused as he was under age). They said some really unpleasant things to DS1 about us and our younger son. This all seemed off the back of us relaxing our vigilance for five minutes. We have to be hyper-vigilant and locked-down ALL the time. We're exhausted and sometimes - as with all parents of SEND kids at one point or another - the defences break down and my son will take advantage of that. We're just so tired. There's no bloody respite available from our county, they won't even allocate us a SEN social worker because they're like gold dust, and our relationship and physical health is suffering. None of this is of any interest to our NDNs of course, but it's breaking us. This sort of thing feels like the last straw.)

OP posts:
HereIfYouNeedMe · 10/05/2026 08:41

I feel for you OP, awful neighbours! Has anyone stood up to them before? Or do they just throw their weight around with their demands?
Also, I read all of your post and didn’t feel it was ‘too much detail’ you want readers to understand what they’re like in order to help you rectify the issue that they might be happy with!
But anyway, it’s your post you can say as much as you like!

I would send a card and a bottle of wine, detail in the card that you’ve sourced replacements online and would be happy to replace them. There’s no point going ahead with the cost of shipping if they wouldn’t want an online replacement.

rwalker · 10/05/2026 08:47

They don’t sound that bad tbh apart from the incident when DS run off

replace apoligse and move on

DontReplyAll · 10/05/2026 08:48

I feel for you, life sounds very difficult.

But that’s a lot of detail to persuade MNers to tell you it’s not your fault your family broke something belonging to the mean next door neighbours.

It doesn’t matter how horrible they are, you are responsible for apologising and agreeing a reasonable resolution. Everything else is irrelevant.

ChopstickNovice · 10/05/2026 08:49

You sound lovely and understandably very stressed. Get the tiles with an apology note. That's more than enough. They probably won't be happy, but they sound like even a return trip to the Canaries, paid for by you, wouldn't fix it!!!

deeahgwitch · 10/05/2026 08:49

You have a whole lot on your plate @DisgruntledofTunbridgeand my heart goes out to you.
Do you know of anyone going to Spain/Canaries who could get the tiles for you to save on delivery costs.
If not, check with horrible neighbour that they are the correct replacement and order them and ask how they’d like them fitted. A bit of Gorilla Glue would do the trick.
Add a card with an apology and box of chocolates too.
You’ll never get past zero with these ghastly neighbours who obviously have zero empathy.
On a side note have you checked with a solicitor or the council re their access claims ?

TeflonMom · 10/05/2026 08:49

Your plan to replace them sounds more than reasonable. I’d be really pleasant in my (minimal as possible) dealings with these people, not letting them think they get to me with their behaviour. There’s nothing miserable people hate more than seeing other people happy.

They sound horrible OP. Would you consider moving if possible? I’d say living next door to them and the tension it causes affects you all more than you realise.

Ludmilaandthelonely · 10/05/2026 08:50

Nice thread OP - I guess you don't like people who have had the audacity to reach their mid sixties. Your solution to the problem was ideal - just move on.

ChopstickNovice · 10/05/2026 08:50

P.S I was in Gran Canaria last month and saw loads of those type tiles. About 3 euro a piece. It's hardly a piece of the Taj Mahal is it.

Owly11 · 10/05/2026 08:50

Jesus what a lot of angst. You have sourced the tiles - order them, take them round with a bottle of wine and offer to pay the handyman to fit them and job done. And tell your dh to keep a better eye on your kid in future.

researchers3 · 10/05/2026 08:50

Pricelessadvice · 10/05/2026 08:25

I don’t think there’s much more you can do than replace the tiles at your cost and apologise. Your suggestion of DS signing the card is good. Could he go with you to deliver the card and say sorry?

I don’t think this relationship will ever be a good one, but you are trying your best and that’s all you can do x

I would just ask him to sign tge card, not take him over and expose him to potential (likely!) verbal abuse.

MotherofPufflings · 10/05/2026 08:53

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/05/2026 08:24

I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine?

Perfect, do that.

Stop angsting after that. Your neighbours are never going to be happy, that's not their default setting. You cant change that, you can only do your best to put right the damage.

I agree with this.

I think that life is so hard for you that you're scared of them making your life any harder. But they are unpleasant bullies and you will never be able to stop them complaining about something. I really think you need to stop trying and more importantly stop caring what they think (beyond normal levels of neighbourly consideration - and it doesn't sound like they even give you that!)

You sound like really nice, kind people who have a hell of a lot to deal with. Try not to give them more headspace than they deserve Flowers

Also, I thought the level of detail in your post was fine - you're articulate and it was well-written. Nobody has to read it if they don't have the time for it.

researchers3 · 10/05/2026 08:53

BTW, you can get that kind of tile on amazon for 5 pounds each! Please don't pay for packaging from the Canaries!

RoseField1 · 10/05/2026 08:55

You're WAAAY overthinking this. You've ordered the replacement tiles, now put it out of your mind. Have you considered moving house? I'm serious. Living next door to horrible neighbours is miserable.

Kinfluencer · 10/05/2026 08:56

Hmmmm theres,an awful lot of detail about how awful they are for asking the council to manage trees and not wanting your cat shit in their garden...

Trying to make them out to be terrible people doesnt negate your faults Op

Order the tiles,job done

RoseField1 · 10/05/2026 08:56

Ludmilaandthelonely · 10/05/2026 08:50

Nice thread OP - I guess you don't like people who have had the audacity to reach their mid sixties. Your solution to the problem was ideal - just move on.

How did you take that from the OP??

SlenderRations · 10/05/2026 08:59

Tbf, he didn’t “accidentally” break them. He deliberately tore them off. I’d avoid trying to spin it that way to them. Agree with above, offer to course tiles - show a picture of what you have found - and to install, keep things neutral, don’t hope to become friends.

PoppinjayPolly · 10/05/2026 08:59

Kinfluencer · 10/05/2026 08:56

Hmmmm theres,an awful lot of detail about how awful they are for asking the council to manage trees and not wanting your cat shit in their garden...

Trying to make them out to be terrible people doesnt negate your faults Op

Order the tiles,job done

This, lots and lots of details of how they do things you don’t agree with.
did you tell them he accidentally knocked them off or that he pried off the decorative house number tiles
as the 2nd would probably sound more deliberate and unsupervised if they don’t understand his care needs.

RoseField1 · 10/05/2026 09:00

WearyAuldWumman · 10/05/2026 08:31

It might not be the sourcing that's the issue. I fully understand that the OP is doing all that is possible to replace the tiles, but I suspect that the upset is that the tiles are a souvenir of a special holiday.

I had a matrioshka that I brought back from a student placement in Russia. If it were to be broken and someone replaced it for me, it wouldn't be the same because it wouldn't be the matrioshka that I bought in Moscow and brought back home for myself.

A souvenir of a special holiday that sits outside in all weathers and was broken by a little boy picking at it? The thing was clearly knackered and not of a quality to last decades - tourist tat isn't sold to become precious heirlooms! The couple are unpleasant and rude, and overreacted to something that in anyone's world is a small annoyance. I buy fridge magnets from everywhere new I go. I like looking at them on the fridge. If my fridge caught fire and all my magnets were burnt it wouldn't impact my memories of all my holidays in any way.

MoshpitAtMorrisons · 10/05/2026 09:02

I’m sorry OP I think you’d be going overboard with chocolate/flowers/wine/cards.
Order the tiles, give them said tiles, leave.
You shouldn’t be grovelling forever about this. You’ve owned up, explained, apologised, they sound like miserable bastards. Good neighbours are worth their weight in gold but you shit out there, no good trying to get them to ‘like’ you, you’re wasting your time.

MotherofPufflings · 10/05/2026 09:03

I actually wouldn't be overly apologetic OP. I think the more you grovel, the more they will feel justified in being angry - you're almost agreeing with them about it being a terrible, awful thing. It's not that bad in the big scheme of things - I thought from the thread title that your son had damage their roof!

StephensLass1977 · 10/05/2026 09:04

Yes you should replace the tiles. Even if they're a pain, it's still their private property.

I would rather have you as a neighbour than the ones I've got. You confessed and then offered to rectify the issue immediately. If only mine did that! These things happen when we all live so close to each other. It's the way you handle it which is crucial.

You sound nice and reasonable. Repeating pps in that you come across as lovely.

oldtiredcyclist · 10/05/2026 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HeNeedsRehab · 10/05/2026 09:06

Look they do sound unpleasant (the police thing and the right of access thing) but it doesn’t really matter when your son deliberately broke their property.

All these people saying they wouldn’t care are all well and good but I would be bothered. I’d be understanding of your situation (because I’m not a monster!) but I would be upset.

Personally I wouldn’t buy the replacement, I’d send a link first and say you have sourced a replacement and would they be happy with them? They sound hard work so I wouldn’t waste £50 if there’s a chance they’ll say they aren’t exactly the same.

(Also if they do agree to the £50 ones I would 100% look for cheaper on Amazon and not tell them)

BadBadCat · 10/05/2026 09:07

autumnboys · 10/05/2026 08:25

Are they of an age where they won’t get that things can be ordered online? I would order the tiles, go ahead with your plan and move on. These things happen and they don’t sound like very reasonable people.

How old do you need to be to not realise you can order things online?

NormasArse · 10/05/2026 09:07

catipuss · 10/05/2026 08:25

Pay the repair bill.

What repair bill? Did you read the OP?