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DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?

258 replies

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 08:19

(To pre-empt any comments about how awful it must be to live next door to us: yes, I fully acknowledge that WE are in the wrong here. Be gentle though: life with a severely autistic child is almost breaking us.)

I would like some helpful advice about how to compensate our very awkward neighbours for what is, on paper, a minor piece of damage, but for them may have sentimental value. I'm sorry in advance for a long and rambling story!

We live next door (semis but not adjoining to these NDNs) to a couple in their fairly early retirements years, I'd guess. We've lived here nearly 16 years - they have 'always' been here and believe me, we've felt that over the years! Here's a bit of - no doubt irrelevant - background:

We are not their ideal neighbours, I'll be clear on that. For starters, we're a younger generation to them. We have children (one of whom was born soon after we moved in): they are childfree and don't seem to like children that much. We have cats, though they have litter trays and as far as I can tell, ours always poo in our garden (there's a dedicated place for them to do that) or on the 'no man's land' on the other side of the little access lane at the back of our houses. I've tried to keep things cordial re the cats, have several times suggested that if they ARE being a nuisance, that I'll buy the NDNs a powerful water pistol! or that they scare them off. We also have a messy garden. Theirs is not. However, we're far from being the only people round here who simply don't have time to garden. It's not full of junk or anything, it's more like unkempt grass and no-mow May sort of thing. And the dark and shady front yard is quite weedy. However, while they might tut about this, it's not illegal and I'm not feeling too guilty about it.

They are ... quite hard themselves to live next door to. Their shed-mounted security light is often on all night. They do a hell of a lot of very noisy DIY, with power tools a speciality at 8.30 am on weekends. They always seem to have someone over there tinkering with this or that. (That's fine, it's their right. it's not always quiet though) They bother the local council into coming and cutting back small trees and hedging on the no-man's land (trees that were bothering absolutely nobody and were a wildlife corridor) and to spray herbicide on the strip of grass and plants there - again, not an issue for anyone else. They seem not to like actual wildlife (we live at the edge of a small rural village). They're also very hung up on land access and love to remind us that they have the right of access to come onto a part of our property (at the front) at any time to trim their vine or whatever, since these all used to be council properties and there used to be no front fences (??) and there was a 'right of way' that ran across the frontages for access, and while they've had a special dispensation from the local council to buy the rights to their part of this, ours still belongs to the council and therefore they are allowed in, and technically we (and most of our neighbours!) have 'unlawful' fences across this 'route' (that goes nowhere), etc etc. I'm mentioning all this just to give an impression of the sort of barrack-room lawyer one of them can be!

His partner just seems perpetually grumpy. (She may have all sorts of personal reasons to be - I've tried and mostly failed to be friendly over the years - Christmas cards, the odd jar of jam, etc. I don't know her at all really.) It's she who tends to come over with any complaint they might have.

Ok, I know I've been prevaricating and risking the ire of MNers. Here's the current issue: DS2, who is severely autistic and has LDs, and DH, were setting out for a walk yesterday. DH was reasonably relaxed about not hanging onto DS2 on our back drive (aiming to set out across the meadow as usual) and was therefore taken by surprise when DS2 decided to bloody leg it down our drive, and into the mouth of the NDNs. This is unusual (but not totally unheard of). By the time DH had run after him and nabbed him, DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off. Sad

Obviously I'm really upset for NDNs about this. Regardless of what a PITA they have been over the years (and I know we're not their favourite people) this was their property and they valued it, and it's horrible to have something of yours broken, even if by accident or through no malicious intent. DH had hustled DS away on their walk (I was volunteering at a village event so not at home) and the NDNs were out for the day, but he rang me, and I, horrified, immediately whatsapp'd the NDNs and 'fessed up. I said I was very sorry, and that they should please tell me what we can do to make it up to them by means of repair or replacement.

I didn't get a reply though I can see they've read it. Later on, DH was supervising DS in our garden for a bit and the lovely NDN who tends to be the less friendly of the pair came out of her drive and snarled at DH that she 'supposed he'd be paying for a return trip to the Canary Isles, would he, since that is where the tiles were bought and they have sentimental value' ... DH said, he was very sorry.

NDNs do know our son is severely autistic. They have shown zero compassion for either him or for us over the years, we and he are just an annoyance.* Of course, why should they care if he's got a lifelong disability which occasionally makes him behave like this? It's nothing to them and it's not THEIR fault. It's not his, or our fault, either, but clearly he got out of our control and that's on us.

But I can see that they will be ramping this up into a grudge. I would go a long way to avoid this becoming a major problem. (they have form for blowing up minor irritations with their neighbours on their other side, who have now moved away, and in fact this led to those neighbours having two house sales fall through! Long story) I'm terrified that they'll simmer about this and it'll all blow up in our face, or they'll make it a 'dispute' that would have to be declared to an estate agent.

So how do I compensate them? I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine? I mean no, I'm not about to fund a return trip to the Canaries but she can't have been serious, surely?? I just want to try and do the right thing here, but if I'm honest, I also want to try and get the moral ground too, I want to be seen to have done all that's reasonable so that we know at least that we did all we could. Because I have a nasty feeling this may run and run...

*(Once, DS2 managed to break through our not inconsiderable defences and exited the house and ran into the village. We immediately called the police as we were pursuing him a few minutes behind. The police turned up at our address while we were cornering him in the village. The NDNs went round to our house and BULLIED my lovely older son, telling him it was a disgrace that the police were waiting outside (to be clear, my lovely and then 15 yo son asked them in, on my instructions as we were on our way back with DS2, and they politely refused as he was under age). They said some really unpleasant things to DS1 about us and our younger son. This all seemed off the back of us relaxing our vigilance for five minutes. We have to be hyper-vigilant and locked-down ALL the time. We're exhausted and sometimes - as with all parents of SEND kids at one point or another - the defences break down and my son will take advantage of that. We're just so tired. There's no bloody respite available from our county, they won't even allocate us a SEN social worker because they're like gold dust, and our relationship and physical health is suffering. None of this is of any interest to our NDNs of course, but it's breaking us. This sort of thing feels like the last straw.)

OP posts:
Zippidydoodah · 10/05/2026 12:33

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 10/05/2026 12:13

He knew that it looked interesting, he knew he wanted to explore it with his hands for tactile sensation, he didn't know because he can't understand that it is property damage or that it would impact other people. He doesn't have that capacity. He didn't set out with the intent of ruining someone's property for shits and giggles.

He eloped, for whatever reason, and stopped when something took his interest and he felt compelled to explore it, maybe because it was visually striking and something he had seen before. That's about it. No malicious intent.

This 👏

Yodeldodeldo · 10/05/2026 12:33

People do a lot worse and plead diminished responsibility.

This is ultimately a small incident, by a child, with special needs.

I can understand the neighbours being annoyed, but I would not put anything of immense sentimental value with street access. Fancy putting more value on some house numbers than trying to get along with your neighbours.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/05/2026 12:39

sweatybetty85 · 10/05/2026 11:54

I am an occupational therapist in a learning disability team. Yes, what he did was intentional, but due to the LD he would not understand the consequence of his intentional actions. Surely that is not hard to grasp?

I 100% agree but fear you are shouting into the void as @Butterme thinks because he isn't 'stupid or brain dead', he knows exact what he was doing 🙄

BeaPerry · 10/05/2026 12:41

catipuss · 10/05/2026 08:25

Pay the repair bill.

The backstory is neither here nor there

say sorry
with genuine regard
pay / sort the repair
end of

they are neighbours - not family or friends

Vinvertebrate · 10/05/2026 12:44

💐 for you OP.

Replacing the tiles and a card/wine is more than enough. They are no doubt very unhappy people to behave in such an unpleasant manner. I also have a profoundly autistic child, who has caused problems with my NDN’s (in their 80’s) including by leaping into a pond to scare the ducks they were feeding. 🫣 Despite this, they are kind and gentle with DS and even invite him for walks when they are dog sitting because DS has a rather lovely bond with their DC’s Labrador! Decent people don’t punish autistic kiddos for doing autistic stuff and your proposal is more than decent.

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 12:47

I have a large plant in my front yard. It was given to me by my DF over 40 years ago. It has huge sentimental value to me as he is now dead. I don't expect anyone to come in and demolish it because it's on my property I would call it victim blaming if anyone suggested it was my fault if it got smashed up by a person who had no rights to be there.

WearyAuldWumman · 10/05/2026 12:48

Zippidydoodah · 10/05/2026 09:17

Well yes, but what’s done is done. Op can hardly turn back the clock.

Yes. The OP is doing what she can to rectify matters. I was trying to explain why the neighbours might be so upset.

x2boys · 10/05/2026 12:52

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 12:47

I have a large plant in my front yard. It was given to me by my DF over 40 years ago. It has huge sentimental value to me as he is now dead. I don't expect anyone to come in and demolish it because it's on my property I would call it victim blaming if anyone suggested it was my fault if it got smashed up by a person who had no rights to be there.

Im not sure what your point is?
Nobody is suggesting its the neighbours fault .

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 13:04

x2boys · 10/05/2026 12:52

Im not sure what your point is?
Nobody is suggesting its the neighbours fault .

It was in answer to a poster who asked why would anyone put a sentimental item in their own garden. As if they have no right to expect privacy or people not stomping over the garden breaking things. It soukds like victim blaming.

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 13:15

Sorry typos!

ExOptimist · 10/05/2026 13:32

SpideySensesbroken · 10/05/2026 11:06

@ExOptimistyes OP get your profoundly autistic child with learning disabilities to write a nice letter…. SMFH
You sound great, OP, but you’ll never plesss them

Well the OP did say she would get him to sign a card, so he's obviously capable of some kind of writing.

I don't see why so many people are having a go at the neighbours. Their property was broken, it wouldn't have been if the OP's son wasn't autistic. Why should they have to put up with that type of thing simply because they are unfortunate enough to live next door? Why should they accept property damage simply because a disabled person lives next door?

I'm glad that I don't live next door to someone who would break things that belong to me. I'm sympathetic to people who have autistic children ( at the same time being so thankful my children had no issues), but that sympathy would not extend to accepting property damage by someone else's disabled child.

Kinfluencer · 10/05/2026 14:04

ExOptimist · 10/05/2026 13:32

Well the OP did say she would get him to sign a card, so he's obviously capable of some kind of writing.

I don't see why so many people are having a go at the neighbours. Their property was broken, it wouldn't have been if the OP's son wasn't autistic. Why should they have to put up with that type of thing simply because they are unfortunate enough to live next door? Why should they accept property damage simply because a disabled person lives next door?

I'm glad that I don't live next door to someone who would break things that belong to me. I'm sympathetic to people who have autistic children ( at the same time being so thankful my children had no issues), but that sympathy would not extend to accepting property damage by someone else's disabled child.

The thing here is that it can be several things

The neighbours can be upset their property was broken
The Op can be upset her DC did this but feel misunderstood
The DC has ND and is sensory seeking and has no concept of others property
All these things can be true at the same time

The main issue is the Op is trying to control the narrative and minimising by painting the neighbours as dreadful people for doing normal things,who have no right to be upset .
No one can control how others feel, nor do they have the right to
Its often the case that this is due to overwhelm at the situation

RosieSpring · 10/05/2026 16:35

The main issue is the Op is trying to control the narrative and minimising by painting the neighbours as dreadful people for doing normal things,who have no right to be upset

Stop making things up. Op clearly said how bad she feels for them that their property was broken and she understands why they are upset.

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 16:43

@,RosieSpring, it's the information in the OPs first post.
They are older, like their garden to be tidy, are child free, do DIY. The image projected is of very fussy people who don't like children generally.
Other posters have called them awful people because they are upset about the item being broken.

Kinfluencer · 10/05/2026 17:25

RosieSpring · 10/05/2026 16:35

The main issue is the Op is trying to control the narrative and minimising by painting the neighbours as dreadful people for doing normal things,who have no right to be upset

Stop making things up. Op clearly said how bad she feels for them that their property was broken and she understands why they are upset.

@RosieSpring you had RTFT instead of jumping in , the Op is slating her neighbours because
They keep their garden tidy
They arent keen on the Ops cats shitting in the garden
They use power tools
They ensured trees are kept trimmed by the council
They were upset the,DC broke something brought back from a holiday and instead of just popping by with a bottle of plonk and replacing said item, she has slated them to direct the thread

Superhansrantowindsor · 10/05/2026 18:20

ExOptimist · 10/05/2026 09:42

I don't think the neighbours are horrible. Why should the neighbours have a clue about living with an autistic child? He's not their child, what they have experienced is their property being destroyed by someone who is no relation to them. Why should they have sympathy? The tiles are broken, doesn't make any difference whether it was by an autistic child or a common or garden vandal, the result is the same.

I would be very annoyed in their place. Don't buy the tiles without asking the neighbours if they are happy with you doing that. Ideally go round by yourself and speak to them, show them the replacement. If they're happy with that then your son can write a letter etc when the tiles arrive. You should also pay if the tiles need fixing professionally.

I was referring to the posters on this thread who haven’t got a clue what it’s like having a severely autistic child and bashing the op who is trying to do a really difficult job. And the neighbours sound very annoying with power tool usage and pettiness over access.

Superhansrantowindsor · 10/05/2026 18:23

And they should have sympathy. If I had property damaged by a severely autistic child it would be a totally different reaction than if it was just a rowdy teen.

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 18:28

Superhansrantowindsor · 10/05/2026 18:20

I was referring to the posters on this thread who haven’t got a clue what it’s like having a severely autistic child and bashing the op who is trying to do a really difficult job. And the neighbours sound very annoying with power tool usage and pettiness over access.

Yet on other threads people are exhorted to not allow access in case adverse possession might be sought.

TheZTeam · 10/05/2026 18:37

Superhansrantowindsor · 10/05/2026 18:20

I was referring to the posters on this thread who haven’t got a clue what it’s like having a severely autistic child and bashing the op who is trying to do a really difficult job. And the neighbours sound very annoying with power tool usage and pettiness over access.

To be fair, they need to assert and use their access or it could potentially lapse.

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 18:57

Yes, you have a child who has severe autism and learning difficulties. Which is not easy for you. You are very stressed OP.

What comes across is not the tile issue but how much you really dislike your neighbours. With a passion.

Neighbours can be hard. And many people don’t like theirs for all sorts of reasons. Boundary issues, different lifestyles, behaviours. And the stress is very real. It can be the single thing which affects peoples quality of life and more common that people realise. Neighbours that get along are gold dust.

For your own blood pressure, and mind please focus on them less if you can.

As to the tile problem, replace them. Perhaps your DH can go round with them and something extra, with sincere apologies and leave it at that.

I would also consider hiring a gardener for a visit to tidy up your garden. If that is financially possible.

Mumofyellows · 10/05/2026 19:21

They sound like dicks. Great that you can get them tiles, do that as you said with a sorry note, and forget about it. 16 years teaching in SEND and working closely with amazing families like you who have so much on their plate, I think you need to cut yourself some slack 💐

Lougle · 10/05/2026 21:13

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 10:24

OK. I wasn't going to rise to the bait with some of the bait-ier posts, but taking yours in good faith, it's a reasonable thing to expect, isn't it? To explain to your child that other people's things are THEIR things, that other people's gardens are not yours, and that you don't mess with other people's stuff. And that it's not too much to expect that a parent keep an eye on their kid.

Right? Right.

Except, if I could respectfully guide you back to my OP, my child is severely autistic and has LDs. Have you any experience with that level of autism/LDs? I mean, DH and I are blue in the face from 'asking', 'telling' and 'explaining' to him all the things he must not do. He has significant LDs so he doesn't understand stuff, and his autism means he's extremely compelled to do things we really don't want him to do! Grin I mean, if you ever met us on the pavement in our local town, I'm the harrassed looking woman with her hand firmly clenched around his wrist (he won't hold hands nicely unless he feels like it) because believe me, you HAVE to have hands on him anywhere risky, or he's off across that busy road to examine the wheels of that bus, or has torn away from you in a shop to go behind the counter and try and get into their back room. He's strongly compelled to do shit we really don't want him to do! No amount of social stories, repeated instructions, or consequences stops him if he's hell-bent on it. He's at an excellent special school which I get down on my knees for on a weekly basis, but they're not miracle workers!

He. Is. Autistic.

Consequently, our lives are absolutely dominated by damage control, being constantly battle-ready because he does shit out of the blue and catches us out, locking down the house, and always having hold of him in risky places. We just didn't think the drive of his own garden, in a quiet rural area, was risky enough. Mistake made and acknowledged.

I don't know how old DS2 is, but have you seen Crelling harnesses? When DD1 was younger she was terrifyingly fast and had no sense of danger or impulse control at all - a Crelling harness was vital. It won't fix your tile issue, but it might give you less heart attacks when you're out.

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 21:26

Hi again.

Just wanted to check in again and say to the vast majority of posters on this thread who get it in some shape or form, you've actually made my month. I've been a more or less FT member of this nest o' vipers for 20 years this year, bloody hell, and this is one of the most compassionate sets of responses I've had to any thread I've started. Thank you for listening, getting it and offering some compassion. And to those who are a bit less cuddly, I'm still listening to you. I think there's a good case for saying that all my waffle and backstory about the NDNs signifies little, it's a simple matter of - we caused the damage (however much without malice Wink), we make a proportionate compensation. To those people who said he shouldn't be running amuck anyway, I cannot agree more Grin, it's a bloody PITA and he's 15 for godsakes, but it does happen from time to time, despite DH's and my very best efforts.

To those who think that we can never grovel to these particular NDNs enough, you may well be right. All I need is to know that we DID do the right thing, the proportionate thing, and that therefore we've behaved reasonably.

Update, if anyone wanted one: DH/I have gone round three times with the bottle of white wine and a card (nice card, local artist, depiction of local and loved beauty spot that we can, blessedly, both see from our back gardens, though obviously MY view of this is partially obscured by all the weeds ...). Either they're keeping schtum or they're genuinely not in, though I'm sure I saw them come back earlier. We will continue to try, and if I don't manage to achieve closure on this by tomorrow evening, I am drinking the fucking wine myself.

Attached, if it works, is DS2's contribution to the card. He is NOT sorry, he copied that phrase from one I wrote out for him to copy, he says 'sorry' gleefully and then laughs like a drain, the little sod.

A couple of things to clear up, finally:
DS2 is NOT two. Grin he's 15. Slight, short and basically two-dimensional when viewed from the side, as he seems to live off fresh air, salt and vinegar crisps and ice lollies. He does have superhuman strength though, it's rather bewildering.

The cats don't, as far as I know, crap in NDN's garden (although I know cats are bastards and go wherever they please) and I think I made that clear in my OP? They have established toileting spots in OUR garden and in the no-man's land beyond the lane at the back. I have invited NDNs to scare them off if they ever cause an issue.

I may well be a bit on the spectrum, but I haven't the time, the inclination or frankly the need to investigate that. I'm not a massive fan of self-diagnosis and I'm not really sure what an adult diagnosis of 'somewhere on the autistic spectrum' would bring to our particular party. I do agree that there's probably a hereditary tendency with ASD - it isn't inevitable, though. But for those of you who gently alluded to my tendency to overthink and, well, go on a bit - yeah. Possibly. Grin

I'm going to save this thread to refer back to when I'm feeling like nobody gets what it's like - clearly an awful lot of people DO get it. Thank you. (I just hope it doesn't get picked up by MN trawling for clickbait threads for FB, because I think I'm fairly recognisable to people who know me, and DS2...)

DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?
OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 21:27

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:40

Come on now, you are surely not arguing that it was ok for him to pry them off even if they didn’t break.

Stop trying to pass the blame to the neighbours or find excuses.

OP has said he was prying them off.

As I said, he was likely just wanting to play with them or touch them to see what they feel like - but he intentionally touched them and so he/DH is to blame for them breaking and therefore they need to pay to replace them.

Correct, I am not arguing it is ok.

Passing blame? I am merely highlighting parts of the OP you have merrily ignored.

Intentional touching is not intentionally breaking. So glad you have seen sense.

Ofc they should offer to replace them, refer back to my initial post to the OP.

AmberSpy · 10/05/2026 21:38

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 21:26

Hi again.

Just wanted to check in again and say to the vast majority of posters on this thread who get it in some shape or form, you've actually made my month. I've been a more or less FT member of this nest o' vipers for 20 years this year, bloody hell, and this is one of the most compassionate sets of responses I've had to any thread I've started. Thank you for listening, getting it and offering some compassion. And to those who are a bit less cuddly, I'm still listening to you. I think there's a good case for saying that all my waffle and backstory about the NDNs signifies little, it's a simple matter of - we caused the damage (however much without malice Wink), we make a proportionate compensation. To those people who said he shouldn't be running amuck anyway, I cannot agree more Grin, it's a bloody PITA and he's 15 for godsakes, but it does happen from time to time, despite DH's and my very best efforts.

To those who think that we can never grovel to these particular NDNs enough, you may well be right. All I need is to know that we DID do the right thing, the proportionate thing, and that therefore we've behaved reasonably.

Update, if anyone wanted one: DH/I have gone round three times with the bottle of white wine and a card (nice card, local artist, depiction of local and loved beauty spot that we can, blessedly, both see from our back gardens, though obviously MY view of this is partially obscured by all the weeds ...). Either they're keeping schtum or they're genuinely not in, though I'm sure I saw them come back earlier. We will continue to try, and if I don't manage to achieve closure on this by tomorrow evening, I am drinking the fucking wine myself.

Attached, if it works, is DS2's contribution to the card. He is NOT sorry, he copied that phrase from one I wrote out for him to copy, he says 'sorry' gleefully and then laughs like a drain, the little sod.

A couple of things to clear up, finally:
DS2 is NOT two. Grin he's 15. Slight, short and basically two-dimensional when viewed from the side, as he seems to live off fresh air, salt and vinegar crisps and ice lollies. He does have superhuman strength though, it's rather bewildering.

The cats don't, as far as I know, crap in NDN's garden (although I know cats are bastards and go wherever they please) and I think I made that clear in my OP? They have established toileting spots in OUR garden and in the no-man's land beyond the lane at the back. I have invited NDNs to scare them off if they ever cause an issue.

I may well be a bit on the spectrum, but I haven't the time, the inclination or frankly the need to investigate that. I'm not a massive fan of self-diagnosis and I'm not really sure what an adult diagnosis of 'somewhere on the autistic spectrum' would bring to our particular party. I do agree that there's probably a hereditary tendency with ASD - it isn't inevitable, though. But for those of you who gently alluded to my tendency to overthink and, well, go on a bit - yeah. Possibly. Grin

I'm going to save this thread to refer back to when I'm feeling like nobody gets what it's like - clearly an awful lot of people DO get it. Thank you. (I just hope it doesn't get picked up by MN trawling for clickbait threads for FB, because I think I'm fairly recognisable to people who know me, and DS2...)

Good for you OP for trying sincerely to make amends, and I'm sorry some people on this thread have been a bit harsh. Your description of your son laughing like a drain made me laugh too! You sound like a good person and a lovely mum. Wishing you all the best!