Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?

258 replies

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 08:19

(To pre-empt any comments about how awful it must be to live next door to us: yes, I fully acknowledge that WE are in the wrong here. Be gentle though: life with a severely autistic child is almost breaking us.)

I would like some helpful advice about how to compensate our very awkward neighbours for what is, on paper, a minor piece of damage, but for them may have sentimental value. I'm sorry in advance for a long and rambling story!

We live next door (semis but not adjoining to these NDNs) to a couple in their fairly early retirements years, I'd guess. We've lived here nearly 16 years - they have 'always' been here and believe me, we've felt that over the years! Here's a bit of - no doubt irrelevant - background:

We are not their ideal neighbours, I'll be clear on that. For starters, we're a younger generation to them. We have children (one of whom was born soon after we moved in): they are childfree and don't seem to like children that much. We have cats, though they have litter trays and as far as I can tell, ours always poo in our garden (there's a dedicated place for them to do that) or on the 'no man's land' on the other side of the little access lane at the back of our houses. I've tried to keep things cordial re the cats, have several times suggested that if they ARE being a nuisance, that I'll buy the NDNs a powerful water pistol! or that they scare them off. We also have a messy garden. Theirs is not. However, we're far from being the only people round here who simply don't have time to garden. It's not full of junk or anything, it's more like unkempt grass and no-mow May sort of thing. And the dark and shady front yard is quite weedy. However, while they might tut about this, it's not illegal and I'm not feeling too guilty about it.

They are ... quite hard themselves to live next door to. Their shed-mounted security light is often on all night. They do a hell of a lot of very noisy DIY, with power tools a speciality at 8.30 am on weekends. They always seem to have someone over there tinkering with this or that. (That's fine, it's their right. it's not always quiet though) They bother the local council into coming and cutting back small trees and hedging on the no-man's land (trees that were bothering absolutely nobody and were a wildlife corridor) and to spray herbicide on the strip of grass and plants there - again, not an issue for anyone else. They seem not to like actual wildlife (we live at the edge of a small rural village). They're also very hung up on land access and love to remind us that they have the right of access to come onto a part of our property (at the front) at any time to trim their vine or whatever, since these all used to be council properties and there used to be no front fences (??) and there was a 'right of way' that ran across the frontages for access, and while they've had a special dispensation from the local council to buy the rights to their part of this, ours still belongs to the council and therefore they are allowed in, and technically we (and most of our neighbours!) have 'unlawful' fences across this 'route' (that goes nowhere), etc etc. I'm mentioning all this just to give an impression of the sort of barrack-room lawyer one of them can be!

His partner just seems perpetually grumpy. (She may have all sorts of personal reasons to be - I've tried and mostly failed to be friendly over the years - Christmas cards, the odd jar of jam, etc. I don't know her at all really.) It's she who tends to come over with any complaint they might have.

Ok, I know I've been prevaricating and risking the ire of MNers. Here's the current issue: DS2, who is severely autistic and has LDs, and DH, were setting out for a walk yesterday. DH was reasonably relaxed about not hanging onto DS2 on our back drive (aiming to set out across the meadow as usual) and was therefore taken by surprise when DS2 decided to bloody leg it down our drive, and into the mouth of the NDNs. This is unusual (but not totally unheard of). By the time DH had run after him and nabbed him, DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off. Sad

Obviously I'm really upset for NDNs about this. Regardless of what a PITA they have been over the years (and I know we're not their favourite people) this was their property and they valued it, and it's horrible to have something of yours broken, even if by accident or through no malicious intent. DH had hustled DS away on their walk (I was volunteering at a village event so not at home) and the NDNs were out for the day, but he rang me, and I, horrified, immediately whatsapp'd the NDNs and 'fessed up. I said I was very sorry, and that they should please tell me what we can do to make it up to them by means of repair or replacement.

I didn't get a reply though I can see they've read it. Later on, DH was supervising DS in our garden for a bit and the lovely NDN who tends to be the less friendly of the pair came out of her drive and snarled at DH that she 'supposed he'd be paying for a return trip to the Canary Isles, would he, since that is where the tiles were bought and they have sentimental value' ... DH said, he was very sorry.

NDNs do know our son is severely autistic. They have shown zero compassion for either him or for us over the years, we and he are just an annoyance.* Of course, why should they care if he's got a lifelong disability which occasionally makes him behave like this? It's nothing to them and it's not THEIR fault. It's not his, or our fault, either, but clearly he got out of our control and that's on us.

But I can see that they will be ramping this up into a grudge. I would go a long way to avoid this becoming a major problem. (they have form for blowing up minor irritations with their neighbours on their other side, who have now moved away, and in fact this led to those neighbours having two house sales fall through! Long story) I'm terrified that they'll simmer about this and it'll all blow up in our face, or they'll make it a 'dispute' that would have to be declared to an estate agent.

So how do I compensate them? I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine? I mean no, I'm not about to fund a return trip to the Canaries but she can't have been serious, surely?? I just want to try and do the right thing here, but if I'm honest, I also want to try and get the moral ground too, I want to be seen to have done all that's reasonable so that we know at least that we did all we could. Because I have a nasty feeling this may run and run...

*(Once, DS2 managed to break through our not inconsiderable defences and exited the house and ran into the village. We immediately called the police as we were pursuing him a few minutes behind. The police turned up at our address while we were cornering him in the village. The NDNs went round to our house and BULLIED my lovely older son, telling him it was a disgrace that the police were waiting outside (to be clear, my lovely and then 15 yo son asked them in, on my instructions as we were on our way back with DS2, and they politely refused as he was under age). They said some really unpleasant things to DS1 about us and our younger son. This all seemed off the back of us relaxing our vigilance for five minutes. We have to be hyper-vigilant and locked-down ALL the time. We're exhausted and sometimes - as with all parents of SEND kids at one point or another - the defences break down and my son will take advantage of that. We're just so tired. There's no bloody respite available from our county, they won't even allocate us a SEN social worker because they're like gold dust, and our relationship and physical health is suffering. None of this is of any interest to our NDNs of course, but it's breaking us. This sort of thing feels like the last straw.)

OP posts:
Choconuttolata · 10/05/2026 10:57

I would get the replacement tiles and offer to stick them on. I wouldn't do the card from DS2 if he isn't able to understand that he did something he shouldn't have it isn't a learning experience for him.

Ignore the posters on here who clearly have no understanding of what looking after a severely autistic child with LD is like. The tiles are colourful and he was attracted to them, that is why he pulled them off. They are so quick and strong, like a toddler in a larger body, you are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. TBH I would have hit the roof rather than appease them after what they did to your DS1 when his brother ran off and had the Police have a stern word with them about their attitude.

I live next door to neighbours like this and they have shown a complete lack of understanding towards my children just being children, two of whom are autistic. You will not appease them no matter what you do, so just do the right thing and replace the broken items and repair the damage and leave it at that. My neighbours leave us alone more now after DH told them to stop coming over to complain about every little thing as it was harassment. That was after they blamed the noise from my child playing making flower potions in our garden with their friend for them having a heart attack and having to call an ambulance which was said in front of my young child (they weren't having a heart attack and my child was with me in the garden and speaking normally to their friend the whole time not shouting). They are bullies and once you stand up to them they stop trying to walk over you constantly.

PokHas · 10/05/2026 10:58

You’d also be perfectly reasonable to reimburse them with the value of the ‘used’ item imo.
Sometimes you don’t get along with neighbours.

AmberSpy · 10/05/2026 10:58

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:17

It was intentional he went onto their drive and pulled them off that's not an accident by any means

Did you miss the bit where he is autistic with a learning disability?

keepincool · 10/05/2026 10:59

Butterme · 10/05/2026 10:43

Of course he understood what he was doing.

Jeez he’s autistic, not brain dead or stupid!

He likely just wanted to play with them or hold them to see what they felt like.

It was completely intentional as he went directly to them and pried them off with his fingers.

FFS! OP's son has learning disabilities, as well as being severely autistic. He requires round the clock care, attends a special needs school and will continue to require care for the rest of his life. I've worked with adults with learning disabilities and while it's rewarding, it is also hard work. At least I got a respite on my days off, the OP gets no respite whatsoever.

PlimptonInSummertown · 10/05/2026 10:59

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 09:44

Or from the neighbours :
We have lived here ages, we have made the garden nice, just as we like it. We are retired and we like a quiet life. We know that others think our attention to the garden and DIY is boring but we feel it's important to keep both in a good state.
We have neighbours with young children, one has LD. They also have cats who come into our garden. We know it must be difficult for next door but I do wish they would understand that we just want a quiet life. The son broke some tiles that have sentimental value to us, we know it's a bit irrational, but that's the position. We do have some problems of our own but prefer to be private as that's our way.
( I have a son with ADHD and ASD, high functioning BTW. Even he can annoy sometimes)

I think you’re being disingenuous there. DIY is fine, but noise is noise - especially early in the morning.

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:01

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:45

I dont think you undestsnd severe autism.

Yes I do.

Perhaps you don’t understand what the word intentional means.

This wasn’t an accident - therefore it was intentional.

If he had brushed past it and it fell off then that would be accidental and there would be a question of whether OP was responsible for paying for the replacement.

But as he intentionally pried them off, then it’s no question that OP would pay to replace them.

OP has said herself that it was intentional, so I’m not sure why you think you know more about her son than she does.

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:03

keepincool · 10/05/2026 10:59

FFS! OP's son has learning disabilities, as well as being severely autistic. He requires round the clock care, attends a special needs school and will continue to require care for the rest of his life. I've worked with adults with learning disabilities and while it's rewarding, it is also hard work. At least I got a respite on my days off, the OP gets no respite whatsoever.

Yes of course it’s hard work.

OP has my utmost respect.

That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t pay for the damages her son has caused, so I’m not sure what your point is.

x2boys · 10/05/2026 11:05

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:01

Yes I do.

Perhaps you don’t understand what the word intentional means.

This wasn’t an accident - therefore it was intentional.

If he had brushed past it and it fell off then that would be accidental and there would be a question of whether OP was responsible for paying for the replacement.

But as he intentionally pried them off, then it’s no question that OP would pay to replace them.

OP has said herself that it was intentional, so I’m not sure why you think you know more about her son than she does.

So whst do you understandnd about severe autism and learning disabillilites ?
As you seem to tjink the Ops son has the capacity to understand his actions ?

SpideySensesbroken · 10/05/2026 11:06

@ExOptimistyes OP get your profoundly autistic child with learning disabilities to write a nice letter…. SMFH
You sound great, OP, but you’ll never plesss them

x2boys · 10/05/2026 11:07

SpideySensesbroken · 10/05/2026 11:06

@ExOptimistyes OP get your profoundly autistic child with learning disabilities to write a nice letter…. SMFH
You sound great, OP, but you’ll never plesss them

If only 😂

keepincool · 10/05/2026 11:08

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:03

Yes of course it’s hard work.

OP has my utmost respect.

That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t pay for the damages her son has caused, so I’m not sure what your point is.

You said

"Of course he understood what he was doing. Jeez he’s autistic, not brain dead or stupid!"

My point is that, owing to his significant learning disabilities, OP's son did not understand that what he was doing was wrong or that it would have consequences.

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 11:08

To return to the fray, I also feel that the OP is somewhat judgemental about the NDN. Yes I understand the OP and DH have a very difficult life so I have done sympathy for them. However we are told that NDN are childfree and don't seem to like children. Without knowing anything about their circumstances we don't know if that is by choice or if they have had some tragedy in their lives. It seems everything they do is wrong too. We also don't know why the tiles have sentimental value, some people are very sentimental about seemingly small things. To us it might be stupid, a couple of cheap tiles, but they could have been bought by a loved one who is now deceased. I'm just giving examples from my life about why I would be upset.
If you have ever watched One Foot in the Grave, then Victor is a very grumpy man, but it turns out he does have good reason. Sometimes things aren't as they seem.

Kinfluencer · 10/05/2026 11:09

DrBlackbird · 10/05/2026 10:13

Maybe the op wanted a little vent along with the looking for opinions on how to respond. Given how difficult her and her families life must be, that’s is absolutely fine. No need to imply criticism. Same to others criticising the op.

Jesus, oldtiredcyclist the op already acknowledged they’re not perfect neighbours and sounds exhausted. Just why do you feel the need to make her feel worse? Not bloody nice at all.

Its fine to vent about her sons behaviour, Im sure its very difficult but trying to make out her neighbours are awful for gardening, calling the council to trim some trees and objecting to catshit in their garden is manipulative.
Posters can see right through it

PlimptonInSummertown · 10/05/2026 11:10

SpideySensesbroken · 10/05/2026 11:06

@ExOptimistyes OP get your profoundly autistic child with learning disabilities to write a nice letter…. SMFH
You sound great, OP, but you’ll never plesss them

A lot of people wilfully misunderstand SN because that’s how they tell themselves it could never happen to them. They would make sure their children could read and write, or some such. They would make sure their children knew right from wrong. And their garden would be perfect no matter what!

(The OP could have a model home and two NT sons who were Mensa members, joint school captains of their private school, cleaned up parks on their weekends and never had so much as a single cat hair on their blazers. The neighbours would still hate them.)

loislovesstewie · 10/05/2026 11:10

PlimptonInSummertown · 10/05/2026 10:59

I think you’re being disingenuous there. DIY is fine, but noise is noise - especially early in the morning.

I wouldn't call 8.30am early. Neither do my neighbours!

PortSalutPlease · 10/05/2026 11:13

Look, I get it, I do - I have a DS with the same needs, but whilst thy don’t sound very nice, you DH wasn’t supervising your DS properly and he wasn’t quick enough to go after him if he’d managed to do that kind of damage. They may be horrible but they have every right to be upset. Replace the tiles as best you can, and definitely send an additional apology of wine or flowers or something.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/05/2026 11:14

The willful ignorance of some people on this thread about SN children is genuinely upsetting.

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:16

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/05/2026 08:24

I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine?

Perfect, do that.

Stop angsting after that. Your neighbours are never going to be happy, that's not their default setting. You cant change that, you can only do your best to put right the damage.

Yes do this. You can’t do more. Accidents happen with young children, the ND is a red herring. You are not a nightmare to live next to at all. Your post was entirely too long and grovelling. Grow a backbone. Keep the bottle of wine for yourself, it’s medicinal as this is getting you too nervy.

Ilmiopinguino · 10/05/2026 11:16

I'm another one who wants to give you a hug op, and make you a coffee and try to ring fence ten minutes for you to drink it. It's an exhausting, draining life and you sound like a lovely mum.

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:17

PortSalutPlease · 10/05/2026 11:13

Look, I get it, I do - I have a DS with the same needs, but whilst thy don’t sound very nice, you DH wasn’t supervising your DS properly and he wasn’t quick enough to go after him if he’d managed to do that kind of damage. They may be horrible but they have every right to be upset. Replace the tiles as best you can, and definitely send an additional apology of wine or flowers or something.

It’s incredibly minor damage. If you glue tiles to wood, they aren’t going to stay stuck for long. A dog wagging his tail could have probably knocked them off.

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:17

x2boys · 10/05/2026 11:05

So whst do you understandnd about severe autism and learning disabillilites ?
As you seem to tjink the Ops son has the capacity to understand his actions ?

Are you saying he doesn’t have the capacity to walk over to something and pry something off with his fingers - which is literally what this thread is about?!

I think you are projecting.

The entire thread is about someone intentionally breaking something and OP wanting to know what sort of compensation is enough.

I’m not sure why you’re arguing it’s about anything different when that’s literally the thread.

Perhaps you are projecting or you’re mixing it up with a different thread.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 10/05/2026 11:18

To be honest this sounds a perfect solution and thoughtful.
I’m not sure what else you could really do under the circumstances.
these things happen but recognising it and being thoughtful will hopefully smooth things over.

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:19

Butterme · 10/05/2026 11:17

Are you saying he doesn’t have the capacity to walk over to something and pry something off with his fingers - which is literally what this thread is about?!

I think you are projecting.

The entire thread is about someone intentionally breaking something and OP wanting to know what sort of compensation is enough.

I’m not sure why you’re arguing it’s about anything different when that’s literally the thread.

Perhaps you are projecting or you’re mixing it up with a different thread.

The thread is about a very young child UNintentionally breaking something that was already about to succumb to gravity anyway.

SassiestPants · 10/05/2026 11:19

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/05/2026 08:24

I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine?

Perfect, do that.

Stop angsting after that. Your neighbours are never going to be happy, that's not their default setting. You cant change that, you can only do your best to put right the damage.

Honestly, OP, this is enough. It is reasonable and enough. They'll likely not be happy with it but it is enough. Please don't think beyond it. You sound like an amazing parent, neighbour and partner. I'm so sorry you've got to think this comprehensively about something that should not be a massive deal. Please try to give yourself a break and understand that replacement and apology is a reasonable reaction and nothing beyond that is necessary. Hope you're OK 🌸

keepincool · 10/05/2026 11:19

maudelovesharold · 10/05/2026 10:46

It’s evident to me from this thread (as if it wasn’t before), that some people are on MN solely to seek out any posters feeling vulnerable and anonymously put the boot in. Probably because they have so little fulfilment and agency in their own lives that their only release is to lash out. They don’t even confine themselves to AIBU fgs. As a pp so succinctly put it - do better. If you haven’t walked in the op’s shoes, stfu with your nasty judgmental comments.

I'm convinced that most of them have migrated over from the Daily Mail comments pages.