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DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?

258 replies

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 08:19

(To pre-empt any comments about how awful it must be to live next door to us: yes, I fully acknowledge that WE are in the wrong here. Be gentle though: life with a severely autistic child is almost breaking us.)

I would like some helpful advice about how to compensate our very awkward neighbours for what is, on paper, a minor piece of damage, but for them may have sentimental value. I'm sorry in advance for a long and rambling story!

We live next door (semis but not adjoining to these NDNs) to a couple in their fairly early retirements years, I'd guess. We've lived here nearly 16 years - they have 'always' been here and believe me, we've felt that over the years! Here's a bit of - no doubt irrelevant - background:

We are not their ideal neighbours, I'll be clear on that. For starters, we're a younger generation to them. We have children (one of whom was born soon after we moved in): they are childfree and don't seem to like children that much. We have cats, though they have litter trays and as far as I can tell, ours always poo in our garden (there's a dedicated place for them to do that) or on the 'no man's land' on the other side of the little access lane at the back of our houses. I've tried to keep things cordial re the cats, have several times suggested that if they ARE being a nuisance, that I'll buy the NDNs a powerful water pistol! or that they scare them off. We also have a messy garden. Theirs is not. However, we're far from being the only people round here who simply don't have time to garden. It's not full of junk or anything, it's more like unkempt grass and no-mow May sort of thing. And the dark and shady front yard is quite weedy. However, while they might tut about this, it's not illegal and I'm not feeling too guilty about it.

They are ... quite hard themselves to live next door to. Their shed-mounted security light is often on all night. They do a hell of a lot of very noisy DIY, with power tools a speciality at 8.30 am on weekends. They always seem to have someone over there tinkering with this or that. (That's fine, it's their right. it's not always quiet though) They bother the local council into coming and cutting back small trees and hedging on the no-man's land (trees that were bothering absolutely nobody and were a wildlife corridor) and to spray herbicide on the strip of grass and plants there - again, not an issue for anyone else. They seem not to like actual wildlife (we live at the edge of a small rural village). They're also very hung up on land access and love to remind us that they have the right of access to come onto a part of our property (at the front) at any time to trim their vine or whatever, since these all used to be council properties and there used to be no front fences (??) and there was a 'right of way' that ran across the frontages for access, and while they've had a special dispensation from the local council to buy the rights to their part of this, ours still belongs to the council and therefore they are allowed in, and technically we (and most of our neighbours!) have 'unlawful' fences across this 'route' (that goes nowhere), etc etc. I'm mentioning all this just to give an impression of the sort of barrack-room lawyer one of them can be!

His partner just seems perpetually grumpy. (She may have all sorts of personal reasons to be - I've tried and mostly failed to be friendly over the years - Christmas cards, the odd jar of jam, etc. I don't know her at all really.) It's she who tends to come over with any complaint they might have.

Ok, I know I've been prevaricating and risking the ire of MNers. Here's the current issue: DS2, who is severely autistic and has LDs, and DH, were setting out for a walk yesterday. DH was reasonably relaxed about not hanging onto DS2 on our back drive (aiming to set out across the meadow as usual) and was therefore taken by surprise when DS2 decided to bloody leg it down our drive, and into the mouth of the NDNs. This is unusual (but not totally unheard of). By the time DH had run after him and nabbed him, DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off. Sad

Obviously I'm really upset for NDNs about this. Regardless of what a PITA they have been over the years (and I know we're not their favourite people) this was their property and they valued it, and it's horrible to have something of yours broken, even if by accident or through no malicious intent. DH had hustled DS away on their walk (I was volunteering at a village event so not at home) and the NDNs were out for the day, but he rang me, and I, horrified, immediately whatsapp'd the NDNs and 'fessed up. I said I was very sorry, and that they should please tell me what we can do to make it up to them by means of repair or replacement.

I didn't get a reply though I can see they've read it. Later on, DH was supervising DS in our garden for a bit and the lovely NDN who tends to be the less friendly of the pair came out of her drive and snarled at DH that she 'supposed he'd be paying for a return trip to the Canary Isles, would he, since that is where the tiles were bought and they have sentimental value' ... DH said, he was very sorry.

NDNs do know our son is severely autistic. They have shown zero compassion for either him or for us over the years, we and he are just an annoyance.* Of course, why should they care if he's got a lifelong disability which occasionally makes him behave like this? It's nothing to them and it's not THEIR fault. It's not his, or our fault, either, but clearly he got out of our control and that's on us.

But I can see that they will be ramping this up into a grudge. I would go a long way to avoid this becoming a major problem. (they have form for blowing up minor irritations with their neighbours on their other side, who have now moved away, and in fact this led to those neighbours having two house sales fall through! Long story) I'm terrified that they'll simmer about this and it'll all blow up in our face, or they'll make it a 'dispute' that would have to be declared to an estate agent.

So how do I compensate them? I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine? I mean no, I'm not about to fund a return trip to the Canaries but she can't have been serious, surely?? I just want to try and do the right thing here, but if I'm honest, I also want to try and get the moral ground too, I want to be seen to have done all that's reasonable so that we know at least that we did all we could. Because I have a nasty feeling this may run and run...

*(Once, DS2 managed to break through our not inconsiderable defences and exited the house and ran into the village. We immediately called the police as we were pursuing him a few minutes behind. The police turned up at our address while we were cornering him in the village. The NDNs went round to our house and BULLIED my lovely older son, telling him it was a disgrace that the police were waiting outside (to be clear, my lovely and then 15 yo son asked them in, on my instructions as we were on our way back with DS2, and they politely refused as he was under age). They said some really unpleasant things to DS1 about us and our younger son. This all seemed off the back of us relaxing our vigilance for five minutes. We have to be hyper-vigilant and locked-down ALL the time. We're exhausted and sometimes - as with all parents of SEND kids at one point or another - the defences break down and my son will take advantage of that. We're just so tired. There's no bloody respite available from our county, they won't even allocate us a SEN social worker because they're like gold dust, and our relationship and physical health is suffering. None of this is of any interest to our NDNs of course, but it's breaking us. This sort of thing feels like the last straw.)

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 10/05/2026 10:06

You're going to have to sharpen your elbows as a parent of a complex disabled child OP.

Replace the tiles, say sorry, don't make promises you can't keep though like implying you'll never let your child have any sort of negative impact on them ever again because that's just a promise you can't keep even with all reasonable mitigations in place.

My son is also an eloper and sometimes I also look "relaxed" when pursuing him back because 1. He is faster than me and 2. Chasing him just makes him run more so it's actually more dangerous for me to be running after him rather than keeping him in my line of sight and briskly walking back. I wouldn't put much pressure on your husband if that's how he assessed the situation at the time, seeing him heading back toward the house instead of chasing and making a bee-line into oncoming traffic or a stream or something much more dangerous.

I think for the foreseeable it would help if you took a 2:1 approach for outings though. Unfortunately some people with complex care needs have to have such pre-planned arrangements for outings and this seems like it fits the bill.

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 10:06

Yodeldodeldo · 10/05/2026 10:05

I think what you've offered is fine.
If the husband brings up the Canary island trip I'd offer to go halves, say you'll pay for the outward journey on Ryan air but not the return flight.

yes see, this IS what first came into my head when DH told me what she'd said... Grin

OP posts:
Bristolandlazy · 10/05/2026 10:07

You're over thinking it, you don't need to justify yourselves. The replacements, wine and card are more than adequate. A good suggestion re asking your son to apologise. It doesn't sound as though they'd ever be happy with anything. I'm sure other people can gauge what types of people they are. How unfortunate they're your neighbours. They would be hard work for anyone to live next door to.

Waterbaby41 · 10/05/2026 10:07

Do what you suggested, but this wasn't an 'accident' - your son ripped the tiles off!! Just make sure DH is less relaxed about where DS is!

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:09

Waterbaby41 · 10/05/2026 10:07

Do what you suggested, but this wasn't an 'accident' - your son ripped the tiles off!! Just make sure DH is less relaxed about where DS is!

Neither was it intentional.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/05/2026 10:09

ThejoyofNC · 10/05/2026 09:37

Oh please. Several paragraphs and for what?

So you feel entitled to leave a nasty comment because OP wrote a long post. Do you bring people down to make yourself feel better? I can't understand how you can write a reply like that and think, yeah that's good, I'll post that.

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:11

Rocknrollstar · 10/05/2026 08:26

Far too much information here but if as you say you can replace the tiles then do so and get someone to put them in place. Give the neighbours a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates and some flowers and say sorry.

It's not information it's nastiness tbh. Your neighbours sound house proud and beleaguered by your cats and DC's behaviour. They hate living next to you just as much as you hate living next to them. Your DC went onto their property and damaged it and yes you should spend any amount necessary to repair said damage. The wall of text you provided is irrelevant.

DrBlackbird · 10/05/2026 10:13

JuliettaCaeser · 10/05/2026 08:30

My god that’s a lot of detail. Apologise and replace the damaged item not much else you can do.

Maybe the op wanted a little vent along with the looking for opinions on how to respond. Given how difficult her and her families life must be, that’s is absolutely fine. No need to imply criticism. Same to others criticising the op.

Jesus, oldtiredcyclist the op already acknowledged they’re not perfect neighbours and sounds exhausted. Just why do you feel the need to make her feel worse? Not bloody nice at all.

JuliettaCaeser · 10/05/2026 10:14

I wouldn’t bother with cards flowers etc. They already probably detest you as much as you detest them that isn’t going to change. Also don’t trouble them with all the background details they likely won’t care. Keep it simple apologise and stay out of their way.

DrBlackbird · 10/05/2026 10:14

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/05/2026 10:09

So you feel entitled to leave a nasty comment because OP wrote a long post. Do you bring people down to make yourself feel better? I can't understand how you can write a reply like that and think, yeah that's good, I'll post that.

Agreed. Really nasty replies.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 10/05/2026 10:17

Your neighbours sound horrible, for comparison if something similiar happened to my house I’d accept an apology and that’s it.

Don’t worry about it op they are not nice people.

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:17

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:09

Neither was it intentional.

It was intentional he went onto their drive and pulled them off that's not an accident by any means

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/05/2026 10:18

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:11

It's not information it's nastiness tbh. Your neighbours sound house proud and beleaguered by your cats and DC's behaviour. They hate living next to you just as much as you hate living next to them. Your DC went onto their property and damaged it and yes you should spend any amount necessary to repair said damage. The wall of text you provided is irrelevant.

My goodness, I forgot how nasty mumsnet is. Your comment is irrelevant and nasty. Remember what granny said - if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Women supporting women? Not on mumsnet 🙄

goplacidlyamidthenoise · 10/05/2026 10:19

Given everything you've mentioned about how challenging your lives are coping with your ds's issues, I'd be tempted to take the bottle of wine and sorry note round to theirs and somehow end up in tears pouring your heart out to them about how difficult and exhausting things are, there's no respite care, the relentlessness of it all etc.
Might make them realise how insensitive they are being.

Soontobe60 · 10/05/2026 10:19

WrongShoesForThis · 10/05/2026 10:01

I think the detail is necessary as it gets across the sense OP must have of constantly walking on eggshells with such difficult neighbours.

OP I really feel for you and honestly I don’t know what more you could do over what you’ve suggested.

This is a pretty sad state of affairs all round, you’ve obviously got a lot on your plate and I imagine living with the constant worry about offending your neighbours must make life so much more difficult. Sad that they aren’t able to see that a kind word or a bit of understanding would make things better for everyone.

…it also paints a picture of what the neighbours have to tolerate. There’s 2 sides to this story…

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:24

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 10/05/2026 10:18

My goodness, I forgot how nasty mumsnet is. Your comment is irrelevant and nasty. Remember what granny said - if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Women supporting women? Not on mumsnet 🙄

The next door neighbour is also a woman or are you being ageist and saying women can't support older women?. If you provide a wall of text attempting to justify your behaviour then it's reasonable for people to respond to the wall of text not just to the points you hoped they'd take from it. My granny used to say less is more.

Butterme · 10/05/2026 10:24

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:09

Neither was it intentional.

DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive.

Yes it was.

DS went and intentionally pried them off.

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 10:24

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 10/05/2026 09:10

This. Keep an eye on your child and tell him not to touch anything to do with the neighbours. He knows what is theirs or not. He may think because you don’t seem to like them that it’s ok to mess around and break eg these tiles as it’s tit for tat in his eyes but it’s absolutely not ok. The police thing though with your other son was out of order. I’d have said that to them too re the police.

OK. I wasn't going to rise to the bait with some of the bait-ier posts, but taking yours in good faith, it's a reasonable thing to expect, isn't it? To explain to your child that other people's things are THEIR things, that other people's gardens are not yours, and that you don't mess with other people's stuff. And that it's not too much to expect that a parent keep an eye on their kid.

Right? Right.

Except, if I could respectfully guide you back to my OP, my child is severely autistic and has LDs. Have you any experience with that level of autism/LDs? I mean, DH and I are blue in the face from 'asking', 'telling' and 'explaining' to him all the things he must not do. He has significant LDs so he doesn't understand stuff, and his autism means he's extremely compelled to do things we really don't want him to do! Grin I mean, if you ever met us on the pavement in our local town, I'm the harrassed looking woman with her hand firmly clenched around his wrist (he won't hold hands nicely unless he feels like it) because believe me, you HAVE to have hands on him anywhere risky, or he's off across that busy road to examine the wheels of that bus, or has torn away from you in a shop to go behind the counter and try and get into their back room. He's strongly compelled to do shit we really don't want him to do! No amount of social stories, repeated instructions, or consequences stops him if he's hell-bent on it. He's at an excellent special school which I get down on my knees for on a weekly basis, but they're not miracle workers!

He. Is. Autistic.

Consequently, our lives are absolutely dominated by damage control, being constantly battle-ready because he does shit out of the blue and catches us out, locking down the house, and always having hold of him in risky places. We just didn't think the drive of his own garden, in a quiet rural area, was risky enough. Mistake made and acknowledged.

OP posts:
Pushmepullu · 10/05/2026 10:24

Replace the tiles, but don’t be surprised if they don’t use them and they end up in the local charity shop. You can’t change the NDN opinions, so let them think badly of you, you know you are doing your best. Let them complain to the council about trees, you can try and put them right but they won’t listen. The point is you are giving them too much headspace which is causing you grief. When you start following the Let Them Theory you may find life a little less stressful. It certainly worked for me.

Jellybunny98 · 10/05/2026 10:27

I think this is one of those situations where they just will never be totally happy with the resolution so offer what you can & they can either continue the grudge or not.

It’s hard when it’s an item with sentimental value, we have a little decoration thing that we bought on our honeymoon that we love, if somebody broke that I don’t think I would really want a replacement because although they could source one for quite a small cost it’s not so much the thing itself that brings me joy it’s the memories tied to it, I’d be upset at it being broken but in your situation I honestly wouldn’t hold it against you or your son. You’ve apologised, I’m sure you’ll now be extra careful even on the drive, you haven’t got a time machine, give what you can, apologise and move on x

Upstartled · 10/05/2026 10:28

I don't know why we have to hear about everybody's feelings. You already have the solution to the problem, just do that.

x2boys · 10/05/2026 10:28

Butterme · 10/05/2026 10:24

DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive.

Yes it was.

DS went and intentionally pried them off.

To mske an intetionsl decion you have to understand whst you are doing .

tsmainsqueeze · 10/05/2026 10:29

Rocknrollstar · 10/05/2026 08:26

Far too much information here but if as you say you can replace the tiles then do so and get someone to put them in place. Give the neighbours a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates and some flowers and say sorry.

I don't think you have given too much information ,you have painted a very clear picture of the difficulties you have to live with compounded by what sounds like extremely obnoxious neighbours.
I think replacing the tiles is of course the right thing to do, wine ? choc? flowers? too maybe.
Then back to ignore /avoid as much as possible .
Other than that you are never going to win with people like them , yes it's obviously not much fun living next to your family at times but where is their compassion ?

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 10:29

Butterme · 10/05/2026 10:24

DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive.

Yes it was.

DS went and intentionally pried them off.

I may need to sit on my hands on this thread from now on, but please see my original post about how DS2 is severely autistic with LDs, and also the post I just made to someone else, about how he is autistic and doesn't understand things. He didn't maliciously damage the tiles, he's compelled to do stuff and he just managed to get a head start this time, unfortunately. So yes, absolutely I think he had an experimental fiddle and pried them off. I think that because he does that sort of thing inside our own house all the bloody time! His DLA doesn't cover the amount of things he's broken or picked at... But he doesn't have the capacity to understand a) that doing this is really bad, b) that it's not on with someone else's things, c) that it can't be magically mended again and that prying things off can be for keeps.

So yes, he did it intentionally, but not with malicious intent and he doesn't have the capacity to understand the consequences of his actions, which is why he needs 1:1 at all times and sometimes 2:1, and will require adult care for his entire life, including after DH and I have died (presumably from exhaustion).

OP posts:
RoseField1 · 10/05/2026 10:30

Tontostitis · 10/05/2026 10:17

It was intentional he went onto their drive and pulled them off that's not an accident by any means

He's autistic and has a learning disability. He did not do it deliberately or maliciously.

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