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DS (ASD) accidentally broke NDN's house tiles, how do we compensate them in a reasonable way?

258 replies

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 08:19

(To pre-empt any comments about how awful it must be to live next door to us: yes, I fully acknowledge that WE are in the wrong here. Be gentle though: life with a severely autistic child is almost breaking us.)

I would like some helpful advice about how to compensate our very awkward neighbours for what is, on paper, a minor piece of damage, but for them may have sentimental value. I'm sorry in advance for a long and rambling story!

We live next door (semis but not adjoining to these NDNs) to a couple in their fairly early retirements years, I'd guess. We've lived here nearly 16 years - they have 'always' been here and believe me, we've felt that over the years! Here's a bit of - no doubt irrelevant - background:

We are not their ideal neighbours, I'll be clear on that. For starters, we're a younger generation to them. We have children (one of whom was born soon after we moved in): they are childfree and don't seem to like children that much. We have cats, though they have litter trays and as far as I can tell, ours always poo in our garden (there's a dedicated place for them to do that) or on the 'no man's land' on the other side of the little access lane at the back of our houses. I've tried to keep things cordial re the cats, have several times suggested that if they ARE being a nuisance, that I'll buy the NDNs a powerful water pistol! or that they scare them off. We also have a messy garden. Theirs is not. However, we're far from being the only people round here who simply don't have time to garden. It's not full of junk or anything, it's more like unkempt grass and no-mow May sort of thing. And the dark and shady front yard is quite weedy. However, while they might tut about this, it's not illegal and I'm not feeling too guilty about it.

They are ... quite hard themselves to live next door to. Their shed-mounted security light is often on all night. They do a hell of a lot of very noisy DIY, with power tools a speciality at 8.30 am on weekends. They always seem to have someone over there tinkering with this or that. (That's fine, it's their right. it's not always quiet though) They bother the local council into coming and cutting back small trees and hedging on the no-man's land (trees that were bothering absolutely nobody and were a wildlife corridor) and to spray herbicide on the strip of grass and plants there - again, not an issue for anyone else. They seem not to like actual wildlife (we live at the edge of a small rural village). They're also very hung up on land access and love to remind us that they have the right of access to come onto a part of our property (at the front) at any time to trim their vine or whatever, since these all used to be council properties and there used to be no front fences (??) and there was a 'right of way' that ran across the frontages for access, and while they've had a special dispensation from the local council to buy the rights to their part of this, ours still belongs to the council and therefore they are allowed in, and technically we (and most of our neighbours!) have 'unlawful' fences across this 'route' (that goes nowhere), etc etc. I'm mentioning all this just to give an impression of the sort of barrack-room lawyer one of them can be!

His partner just seems perpetually grumpy. (She may have all sorts of personal reasons to be - I've tried and mostly failed to be friendly over the years - Christmas cards, the odd jar of jam, etc. I don't know her at all really.) It's she who tends to come over with any complaint they might have.

Ok, I know I've been prevaricating and risking the ire of MNers. Here's the current issue: DS2, who is severely autistic and has LDs, and DH, were setting out for a walk yesterday. DH was reasonably relaxed about not hanging onto DS2 on our back drive (aiming to set out across the meadow as usual) and was therefore taken by surprise when DS2 decided to bloody leg it down our drive, and into the mouth of the NDNs. This is unusual (but not totally unheard of). By the time DH had run after him and nabbed him, DS2 had for some reason, pried off the decorative house number tiles on a sort of home-made wooden stand at the mouth of their drive. The tiles had come off extremely fast (the adhesive looked knackered and ancient) - two of them I think have broken as they fell off. Sad

Obviously I'm really upset for NDNs about this. Regardless of what a PITA they have been over the years (and I know we're not their favourite people) this was their property and they valued it, and it's horrible to have something of yours broken, even if by accident or through no malicious intent. DH had hustled DS away on their walk (I was volunteering at a village event so not at home) and the NDNs were out for the day, but he rang me, and I, horrified, immediately whatsapp'd the NDNs and 'fessed up. I said I was very sorry, and that they should please tell me what we can do to make it up to them by means of repair or replacement.

I didn't get a reply though I can see they've read it. Later on, DH was supervising DS in our garden for a bit and the lovely NDN who tends to be the less friendly of the pair came out of her drive and snarled at DH that she 'supposed he'd be paying for a return trip to the Canary Isles, would he, since that is where the tiles were bought and they have sentimental value' ... DH said, he was very sorry.

NDNs do know our son is severely autistic. They have shown zero compassion for either him or for us over the years, we and he are just an annoyance.* Of course, why should they care if he's got a lifelong disability which occasionally makes him behave like this? It's nothing to them and it's not THEIR fault. It's not his, or our fault, either, but clearly he got out of our control and that's on us.

But I can see that they will be ramping this up into a grudge. I would go a long way to avoid this becoming a major problem. (they have form for blowing up minor irritations with their neighbours on their other side, who have now moved away, and in fact this led to those neighbours having two house sales fall through! Long story) I'm terrified that they'll simmer about this and it'll all blow up in our face, or they'll make it a 'dispute' that would have to be declared to an estate agent.

So how do I compensate them? I've already sourced the tiles online and I can, for about £50 all in, have some shipped here to replace them in the same style. (Tiles themselves cost about £7 each but shipping ...) That, coupled with a 'I'm very sorry' card signed by DS if I can get him to, and a bottle of wine? I mean no, I'm not about to fund a return trip to the Canaries but she can't have been serious, surely?? I just want to try and do the right thing here, but if I'm honest, I also want to try and get the moral ground too, I want to be seen to have done all that's reasonable so that we know at least that we did all we could. Because I have a nasty feeling this may run and run...

*(Once, DS2 managed to break through our not inconsiderable defences and exited the house and ran into the village. We immediately called the police as we were pursuing him a few minutes behind. The police turned up at our address while we were cornering him in the village. The NDNs went round to our house and BULLIED my lovely older son, telling him it was a disgrace that the police were waiting outside (to be clear, my lovely and then 15 yo son asked them in, on my instructions as we were on our way back with DS2, and they politely refused as he was under age). They said some really unpleasant things to DS1 about us and our younger son. This all seemed off the back of us relaxing our vigilance for five minutes. We have to be hyper-vigilant and locked-down ALL the time. We're exhausted and sometimes - as with all parents of SEND kids at one point or another - the defences break down and my son will take advantage of that. We're just so tired. There's no bloody respite available from our county, they won't even allocate us a SEN social worker because they're like gold dust, and our relationship and physical health is suffering. None of this is of any interest to our NDNs of course, but it's breaking us. This sort of thing feels like the last straw.)

OP posts:
ChopstickNovice · 10/05/2026 22:10

The card is sweet and you're trying your best. Sending an unmumsnetty hug.

MotherofPufflings · 11/05/2026 06:22

I'm glad that you've found this thread helpful (in the main!) Your writing is some of the most engaging I've read on MN in a very long time. If you ever wrote a book, I'd buy it!

deeahgwitch · 11/05/2026 08:57

MotherofPufflings · 11/05/2026 06:22

I'm glad that you've found this thread helpful (in the main!) Your writing is some of the most engaging I've read on MN in a very long time. If you ever wrote a book, I'd buy it!

I agree.

PortSalutPlease · 11/05/2026 09:20

LoremIpsumCici · 10/05/2026 11:17

It’s incredibly minor damage. If you glue tiles to wood, they aren’t going to stay stuck for long. A dog wagging his tail could have probably knocked them off.

In which case people would be saying that OP’s DH should be supervising their dog. If they can abscond round someone else’s property and cause damage whilst supposedly under close supervision then it’s not close enough.

Our DS is very, very similar and you can’t let your guard down for a minute. This time the DS just found and damaged some tiles, but what if he’d found barbed wire, or rat poison?

The people saying “don’t worry about it, the neighbours sound horrible” etc are woefully underestimating the level of constant, absolute vigilance it takes to keep a child like this safe. We all make mistakes and it’s really, really hard, but her DH absolutely fucked up and they need to own it and make it right.

PortSalutPlease · 11/05/2026 09:28

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 10/05/2026 21:26

Hi again.

Just wanted to check in again and say to the vast majority of posters on this thread who get it in some shape or form, you've actually made my month. I've been a more or less FT member of this nest o' vipers for 20 years this year, bloody hell, and this is one of the most compassionate sets of responses I've had to any thread I've started. Thank you for listening, getting it and offering some compassion. And to those who are a bit less cuddly, I'm still listening to you. I think there's a good case for saying that all my waffle and backstory about the NDNs signifies little, it's a simple matter of - we caused the damage (however much without malice Wink), we make a proportionate compensation. To those people who said he shouldn't be running amuck anyway, I cannot agree more Grin, it's a bloody PITA and he's 15 for godsakes, but it does happen from time to time, despite DH's and my very best efforts.

To those who think that we can never grovel to these particular NDNs enough, you may well be right. All I need is to know that we DID do the right thing, the proportionate thing, and that therefore we've behaved reasonably.

Update, if anyone wanted one: DH/I have gone round three times with the bottle of white wine and a card (nice card, local artist, depiction of local and loved beauty spot that we can, blessedly, both see from our back gardens, though obviously MY view of this is partially obscured by all the weeds ...). Either they're keeping schtum or they're genuinely not in, though I'm sure I saw them come back earlier. We will continue to try, and if I don't manage to achieve closure on this by tomorrow evening, I am drinking the fucking wine myself.

Attached, if it works, is DS2's contribution to the card. He is NOT sorry, he copied that phrase from one I wrote out for him to copy, he says 'sorry' gleefully and then laughs like a drain, the little sod.

A couple of things to clear up, finally:
DS2 is NOT two. Grin he's 15. Slight, short and basically two-dimensional when viewed from the side, as he seems to live off fresh air, salt and vinegar crisps and ice lollies. He does have superhuman strength though, it's rather bewildering.

The cats don't, as far as I know, crap in NDN's garden (although I know cats are bastards and go wherever they please) and I think I made that clear in my OP? They have established toileting spots in OUR garden and in the no-man's land beyond the lane at the back. I have invited NDNs to scare them off if they ever cause an issue.

I may well be a bit on the spectrum, but I haven't the time, the inclination or frankly the need to investigate that. I'm not a massive fan of self-diagnosis and I'm not really sure what an adult diagnosis of 'somewhere on the autistic spectrum' would bring to our particular party. I do agree that there's probably a hereditary tendency with ASD - it isn't inevitable, though. But for those of you who gently alluded to my tendency to overthink and, well, go on a bit - yeah. Possibly. Grin

I'm going to save this thread to refer back to when I'm feeling like nobody gets what it's like - clearly an awful lot of people DO get it. Thank you. (I just hope it doesn't get picked up by MN trawling for clickbait threads for FB, because I think I'm fairly recognisable to people who know me, and DS2...)

He doesn’t need to be sorry, they just need to think he is 🤣

Well done for dealing with it the right way. This life is SO FUCKING HARD and of course we make mistakes, but we have to own them no matter how much of a dick the other person is about it. People already judge us infinitely more than parents of NT children, so don’t give them any more ammo. I don’t mean to sound harsh when I say that this is on your DH, but although the neighbours sound monumentally twatty it is hard when something sentimental gets damaged. I’m sure like me you’ve had a full on cry about the head being ripped off that first teddy, or your grandma’s special teacup being smashed to smithereens…..

Also, on a totally unrelated note and absolutely nothing to do with the fact your neighbours sound like cunty fuckers….. have you considered buying your DS any of the following? They’re AMAZING for sensory feedback for ASC kids…..

  • an accordion
  • a drum kit
  • a recorder
🤣🤣
loislovesstewie · 11/05/2026 11:10

@PortSalutPlease i know you are joking but these aren't neighbours whose property is attached to OPs home. She would be upsetting another family too.

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 11/05/2026 13:03

loislovesstewie · 11/05/2026 11:10

@PortSalutPlease i know you are joking but these aren't neighbours whose property is attached to OPs home. She would be upsetting another family too.

Ah, are you not one of the commenters who thought it must be 'unpleasant' to live next door to a child like DS2? Apologies if not, it's been a surprisingly long thread!

DH has a huge collection of harmonicas? <helpful>

OP posts:
PortSalutPlease · 11/05/2026 15:36

DisgruntledofTunbridge · 11/05/2026 13:03

Ah, are you not one of the commenters who thought it must be 'unpleasant' to live next door to a child like DS2? Apologies if not, it's been a surprisingly long thread!

DH has a huge collection of harmonicas? <helpful>

Have you considered bagpipes…..?

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