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Original poster

DS Alleged Incident - Police/Social Services - So Stressed. Advice Needed

323 replies

Stressedoutmybox · 22/12/2025 22:44

Ten days ago the police called to say that my son (age 16) couldn't go to his water polo club due to an "alleged incident" and that they would be coming round to speak to me (DS was not in when when they came round - note he is AuDHD ). They wouldn't tell me anything about the allegation only that it happened some time ago, so I am not sure why they had to come round tbh to not be able to give me any information?. I was very upset/crying at the time as felt completely blindsided. One of the officers did say remember that not everything this is reported is true - however the next phone call below makes me feel like they are already saying he is guilty?

A few days later social services called to say that a meeting had been held at the school with the themselves, the police, a school rep and community health to discuss it. She wouldn't tell me either what the allegation was but that the police would want to talk to us/him. I asked if I would need a solicitor, she called back and said that the police unit involved said no, we wouldn't ..... this was last week and I haven't heard anything more. I am so stressed, not sleeping or eating. I asked her if there was any info she could give me at all - all she said was that they'd be looking to do some workshops with him?? So, now i'm totally petrified.

Does anyone have any advice? Can I ask that they come round and just talk to us, without my son or we can find out more about the allegation - or can they insist on him being there? He will not cope at all and I am worried about him. He has no idea any of this is going on, or that he might have done something. Should I say that if they want to talk to us we will meet them there with a solicitor? It's not a great time of year to try and get hold of someone and tbh I wouldn't know where to start.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stressedoutmybox · 27/12/2025 19:08

I am panicking as well because when they first came to the house and only spoke to me I was petrified and extremely upset and spoke about DS's autism struggles/some of his characteristics. I am so scared I have made it worse for him. I was so blindsided and in utter shock. I still am.

OP posts:
OhDear111 · 27/12/2025 19:13

@Clarehandaust I agree not to trust the police but it’s difficult to know what to do. I believed my DD was truthful and it proved to be so. Not entirely sure the op can rely on her DS’s word though. He might not be totally clear about what’s wrong and criminal.

Yes, they probably did go away and write up notes. One assumes my DDs truthful account. I have consistently advised op to speak to a solicitor. We didn’t because we believed what we were told. I wouldn’t now!

Original poster
Stressedoutmybox · 27/12/2025 19:21

I spoke to a solicitor briefly on Xmas Eve. The first thing on Monday's to do list is to follow it up. The Christmas/NY break has been an agonising wait.

OP posts:
RightSheSaid · 27/12/2025 22:16

Don't go anywhere without a solicitor. Dont say anymore and don't allow DC to say anything.

ETA: Its hard not to ruminant and go over and over whats already been said but you can't take it back. You've said what you've said. All you can do is be mindful moving forward.

Temporaryusernamefortoday · 27/12/2025 23:21

OhDear111 · 27/12/2025 09:08

@Temporaryusernamefortoday A child should not be told to say No Comment. They should tell the truth. If the truth is that they cannot remember a single thing about any possible wrong doing, they say exactly that. The main thing is that it’s so long ago this is probably not a genuine complaint and someone is merely offended. The dc should not be told to repeat No Comment. The lawyer would be accused of coaching if they had advised this too.

In the nicest possible way, you’re talking bunkum. If a legal adviser advises their client to say ‘no comment’, it is legal advice which the client is perfectly entitled to receive.

OhDear111 · 27/12/2025 23:48

@Temporaryusernamefortoday Children won’t be advised to say that. It’s not rubbish. They will be advised to tell the truth. What’s wrong with that if they haven’t done anything?

prh47bridge · 27/12/2025 23:59

OhDear111 · 27/12/2025 09:08

@Temporaryusernamefortoday A child should not be told to say No Comment. They should tell the truth. If the truth is that they cannot remember a single thing about any possible wrong doing, they say exactly that. The main thing is that it’s so long ago this is probably not a genuine complaint and someone is merely offended. The dc should not be told to repeat No Comment. The lawyer would be accused of coaching if they had advised this too.

No, the lawyer would not be accused of coaching if they advised no comment. If a lawyer tells a witness what to say in court, that is coaching. Advising a client to say no comment in a police interview is not coaching. Not even close.

The fact that the courts are now allowed to draw adverse inferences from a no comment interview in certain circumstances means that more suspects are advised to answer the police's questions than used to be the case, but there are still circumstances where it can be the right way to go.

prh47bridge · 28/12/2025 00:00

OhDear111 · 27/12/2025 23:48

@Temporaryusernamefortoday Children won’t be advised to say that. It’s not rubbish. They will be advised to tell the truth. What’s wrong with that if they haven’t done anything?

Children may be advised to say that under some circumstances, even if they haven't done anything wrong.

TartanMammy · 28/12/2025 01:27

OhDear111 · 27/12/2025 23:48

@Temporaryusernamefortoday Children won’t be advised to say that. It’s not rubbish. They will be advised to tell the truth. What’s wrong with that if they haven’t done anything?

Absolutely not! What if in telling the truth they inadvertently incriminate themselves? if the police have little reliable evidence then telling the truth is not the best course of action! Telling the truth in certain situations is terrible advice.
Unless of course you are absolutely certain no crime has been committed e.g. if you were someplace else at the time they say the crime happened and have a rock solid alibi.

OhDear111 · 28/12/2025 09:32

@TartanMammy He says he’s not done anything wrong!!!! So that is hopefully the truth. If he’s lying, clearly a different matter. The op needs to grill him a bit more but saying you have no idea what the allegation refers to is truthful and not incriminating. How can it be? This is what I was referring to. The DS is maintaining he’s no idea or recollection of anything he’s done that is criminal. So say that! If the police put forward scenarios and lead him into trails, then his solicitor should stop that. As I said earlier, if there is video evidence that’s different.

Clarehandaust · 28/12/2025 09:38

OhDear111 · 27/12/2025 23:48

@Temporaryusernamefortoday Children won’t be advised to say that. It’s not rubbish. They will be advised to tell the truth. What’s wrong with that if they haven’t done anything?

As lots of people have pointed out on here the truth is pretty much irrelevant. It’s what they can get to stick in terms of charges.
They don’t care about the truth

Temporaryusernamefortoday · 28/12/2025 09:53

The police do care about the truth. The problem is, there are so many nuances to the law. The below is an entirely fictitious example to show the complexity’s.

Child A is 12. Child B is 13. A sexual interaction between the two is reported to police.

The facts could be as follows:

  1. None consensual incident
  2. Consensual incident but child B would be in trouble as those under 13 can’t consent (there is no grey in this)
  3. Didn’t happen

Your legal adviser would provide very clear advice for 1 and 3 ( no comment for 1, full account for 3) but 2 is tricky. Do they hedge their bets and say ‘no comment’/skirt around the truth and hope the police don’t have enough or do they recommend a full account and accept that their client will be punished but hope for a lesser punishment both because it was an early admission and because it heads of any allegation regarding option 1.

Its tricky.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 28/12/2025 09:57

My gut feeling is that it's a sexual offence (given what they say about 'allegations', and the delay in coming forward), and that it could have been raised by someone who dislikes your DS because he is AuDHD, and has done this maliciously.

Try to do the circle of influence thing (this worry is outside of yours, so let it go), deep breathing and looking rationally at things. If your child had committed a crime, would they be able to carry on as normal? Your gentle questions to your DS have not revealed anything. AuDHD children are often knowledgeable and often have a strong sense of right and wrong. If he has done something, likely he was tricked or misled.

Until you are told, you should try not to spiral. Best wishes for you and your DS xxx

Clarehandaust · 28/12/2025 10:05

Temporaryusernamefortoday · 28/12/2025 09:53

The police do care about the truth. The problem is, there are so many nuances to the law. The below is an entirely fictitious example to show the complexity’s.

Child A is 12. Child B is 13. A sexual interaction between the two is reported to police.

The facts could be as follows:

  1. None consensual incident
  2. Consensual incident but child B would be in trouble as those under 13 can’t consent (there is no grey in this)
  3. Didn’t happen

Your legal adviser would provide very clear advice for 1 and 3 ( no comment for 1, full account for 3) but 2 is tricky. Do they hedge their bets and say ‘no comment’/skirt around the truth and hope the police don’t have enough or do they recommend a full account and accept that their client will be punished but hope for a lesser punishment both because it was an early admission and because it heads of any allegation regarding option 1.

Its tricky.

Individual police officers might care about the truth but as an institution they’re not interested in the slightest. It’s all about data analytics, Statistics and currently there’s a huge push on cleaning up violence against women and girls which absolutely should be happening.
Doesn’t mean that the OP‘s son needs to be thrown On his sword.

liveforsummer · 28/12/2025 10:18

Bizarre. Why inform you it’s happening but not what it is. How can they investigate anything without speaking to ds, unless they have footage I guess, but still….

Original poster
Stressedoutmybox · 28/12/2025 11:02

I asked in a roundabout casual/gentle way and DS remembers nothing. It was 9 months ago or thereabouts. Yes, part of his AuDHD is that he is very black/white.

Every morning I wake up and the shock and panic hit me again and I spend rest of day with an elevated HR and brain fizzing. Hopefully I will be able to get a solicitor ready for an interview, once offices open after the holidays.

OP posts:
TartanMammy · 28/12/2025 15:38

OhDear111 · 28/12/2025 09:32

@TartanMammy He says he’s not done anything wrong!!!! So that is hopefully the truth. If he’s lying, clearly a different matter. The op needs to grill him a bit more but saying you have no idea what the allegation refers to is truthful and not incriminating. How can it be? This is what I was referring to. The DS is maintaining he’s no idea or recollection of anything he’s done that is criminal. So say that! If the police put forward scenarios and lead him into trails, then his solicitor should stop that. As I said earlier, if there is video evidence that’s different.

It does not matter if he thinks he did nothing wrong or actually did nothing wrong. Until he knows what he is accused of and what evidence the police have he should say absolutely nothing at all.
My teen has been accused of crimes he did not commit on more than one occasion, the police did not care one jot about the truth in it, they just wanted a charge that would stick. It took a lot of effort on our part to prove they were in the wrong. Don't trust that the police will believe you if you 'just tell the truth.' That's a very naive view.

Original poster
Stressedoutmybox · 28/12/2025 16:38

As the water polo takes place in a public pool I am not sure if there would be any footage of the alleged incident. I don't know.

OP posts:
OhDear111 · 28/12/2025 18:11

@Clarehandaust Well they did in our case. No evidence and DD was truthful. Nothing happened. Just malicious allegations. The police cannot go to CPS with no evidence.

Original poster
Stressedoutmybox · 28/12/2025 19:57

Does anyone know what the process would be please after an interview, or even an arrest (could that happen??)

OP posts:
roasttattie · 28/12/2025 20:25

You would be offered a duty solicitor who will advise. Duty solicitor is a specialty so go with this. They are there for you and will advise and represent throughout any questioning.
Good luck x

RightSheSaid · 28/12/2025 20:43

Stressedoutmybox · 28/12/2025 19:57

Does anyone know what the process would be please after an interview, or even an arrest (could that happen??)

It's hard because you don't know what the allegations are. There are too many variables.

Don't say / do anything else without a solicitor present.

As a minor he is entitled to free legal advice via legal aid even for a voluntary interview. Get a good solicitor that takes legal aid. If you don't have a solicitor ask for the duty solicitor. You should also request an appropriate adult to be present. You can be the appropriate adult but really you need to have someone who can remain calm and listen to what's being said. Having an emotional parent present isn't going to help him.

If it goes to court the judge may request a fitness to plea assesment because of DCs AuDHD. DC needs to be able to understand the court process and be able to participate in their own defence. Social care and CAMHs will be involved. Although, that is a long way off yet.

I know its hard not to panic but you need to take a breath, look after yourself and do some self care. Having a breakdown isn't going to help anyone.

Original poster
Stressedoutmybox · 28/12/2025 21:04

Thanks all, I feel like I am on the cusp of a breakdown. DH will be a better appropriate adult. I am struggling to process that this is actually happening.

OP posts:
RightSheSaid · 28/12/2025 21:25

Stressedoutmybox · 28/12/2025 21:04

Thanks all, I feel like I am on the cusp of a breakdown. DH will be a better appropriate adult. I am struggling to process that this is actually happening.

You really need to look after yourself. If you can afford it access therapy. I dont know what work you do but some workplaces and unions offer free councelling or you could ay privately. You need to talk about your fear, anxiety and MH to someone external. I think that not knowing the allegations is really damaging. You are just their waiting for your life to explode. Try to do some self care. Try not to ruminate. Try to exercise (you need the endorphins,). Try to sleep. You need to be well enough to support your son. If you are struggling see your GP.

This helps me to stop me ruminating. Maybe it will help a bit. It's worth a try.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=1vx8iUvfyCY

TartanMammy · 28/12/2025 21:41

Once you know the allegations you'll be a in a better place, it could be anything from an alleged sexual assault to a theft or hate crime. You really don't know at this stage and your mind will be going to worst case scenario. Take a breather, get some legal advice, try to pack it away in the back of your mind (hard but important) until the next step.

I would also suggest talking to your ds a bit more and getting someone to prepare him for what may be ahead of him.