DS Alleged Incident - Police/Social Services - So Stressed. Advice Needed

[Stressedoutmybox]

Ten days ago the police called to say that my son (age 16) couldn't go to his water polo club due to an "alleged incident" and that they would be coming round to speak to me (DS was not in when when they came round - note he is AuDHD ). They wouldn't tell me anything about the allegation only that it happened some time ago, so I am not sure why they had to come round tbh to not be able to give me any information?. I was very upset/crying at the time as felt completely blindsided. One of the officers did say remember that not everything this is reported is true - however the next phone call below makes me feel like they are already saying he is guilty?

A few days later social services called to say that a meeting had been held at the school with the themselves, the police, a school rep and community health to discuss it. She wouldn't tell me either what the allegation was but that the police would want to talk to us/him. I asked if I would need a solicitor, she called back and said that the police unit involved said no, we wouldn't ..... this was last week and I haven't heard anything more. I am so stressed, not sleeping or eating. I asked her if there was any info she could give me at all - all she said was that they'd be looking to do some workshops with him?? So, now i'm totally petrified.

Does anyone have any advice? Can I ask that they come round and just talk to us, without my son or we can find out more about the allegation - or can they insist on him being there? He will not cope at all and I am worried about him. He has no idea any of this is going on, or that he might have done something. Should I say that if they want to talk to us we will meet them there with a solicitor? It's not a great time of year to try and get hold of someone and tbh I wouldn't know where to start.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

@Stressedoutmybox I remember that feeling. I ended up signed off work for a month and the dr prescribed propranolol. In our area we have an amazing charity that supports young people and their parents. I was able to phone them up and off load all my worries and concerns which I had not been able to do with other people. I also accessed counselling through my workplace.

you will get through this and out the other side. Once you have had the police interview you will have a much better understanding of what you are dealing with.

This is our experience of the police interview.

We arrived at the police station and met our solicitor. She went off with the police officers who explained to her what had been alleged. She came back and we talked through the allegations and our response to it. We then went into the interview. As an appropriate adult I could not say anything, unless it was about the process not the allegations. They will explain your role. The police officers we experienced were, on the whole, incredibly kind and caring. Our young person is neurodiverse and we explained that.

unfortunately, as I have previously said, the process takes a very long time. It was about 3 months from interview to outcome.

we had support from CAMHS for our young person and we are looking at counselling going forward.

@Stressedoutmybox the only thing that I would add to @lorisparkle advice/experience is with regard to the consultation between you DS and the legal advisor at the police station, before the interview but after the police have provided disclosure to the legal advisor.

Some legal advisors can be a bit funny about appropriate adults being present during their consultation with their client.

Speak to your legal advisor before the visit to the police station to understand their policy. From my experience, it would be best for the legal advisor and your DS to have the first part of their consultation alone. This gives the legal advisor the best chance to get all the information from your DS without him being worried about saying anything embarrassing in front of his mum (even if you don’t think he will be embarrassed, this is not the time to take the risk). The legal advisor, the expert in these things, can then come up with the best course of action. Then the legal advisor can invite you in to the consultation and explain the plan of action.

The more information your legal advisor can get from your DS, unfiltered, the better the advice they can give.

As I said, you need to try and be as dispassionate as possible. Every action has to be well thought out.

Thank you 🌻the solicitor said they would speak to DS next week - I guess they could get all details.of the allegations beforehand from the police. The autism society have sent us some references to read. It's very hard not to catastrophise - I am a worst case scenario person which I know isn't good for my mental health. I think counselling would be good for DS and I.

I honestly understand, what I tried to think was if it was really bad they would have arrested our young person. The fact that it took so long suggested that it could not be ‘worst case’. Similarly in our experience social care knew all the details of the allegation before we found out at police interview and they were not acting like it was ‘worst case’. It is incredibly hard but we have come through the other side, life will go back to normal, and nobodies life has been ruined forever.

At interview it was quite hard to be physically supportive whilst not saying anything, not reacting to what was said and not getting emotional. Depending on the allegation they will be explicit and straightforward. So be prepared.

There have been a few calls with the social worker - I'm also worried about impact on the other DC at home, they don't know anything is up at the moment but must have noticed I'm less jolly than usual. Have been trying to put on a a brave face over the holidays but it has been very difficult. I keep saying to myself that until next week everything is out of my hands - trying not to let tomorrow's worries impact today (failing miserably though!). I'm glad to hear your experiences and that you are now through it - I honestly wouldn't wish this level of stress on anyone.

Forgive me, I’ve not explained myself well.
On the day of interview, the process will be as follows:

1. You and DS will be booked in (required for a combination of health and safety, safeguarding and record keeping). Your DS will be asked a number of health and welfare questions during this, these questions do not form part of the interview. They will be things such as current medical conditions and any learning difficulties. Your legal representative may or may not be present.
2. Your legal representative will receive ‘disclosure’ from the police, where they are informed about the allegation in broad brush strokes.
3. Your DS will then have ‘consultation’ with his legal representative. It’s this stage which I suggest is done intialy without you and then with you.
4. Formal interview with you, DS, police and legal representative, you are not there to answer questions, just to ensure DS rights are respected.

Police officers are very unlikely to make disclosures to your legal representative before the day of interview, though it is not unheard of.

@Stressedoutmybox I really feel for you. I still get tension/stress chest pains when I talk/write about it. If you want to message me privately you are very welcome. I found talking to a stranger really helpful as I could say things that I could not say to anyone I knew. My DH really could not cope and I tried to hide as much from him as I could. My DM knew a bit but again we kept the majority away from her. My DC coped remarkably well. They were unimpressed by being questioned by social care and luckily the other kids at school did not target either of them. I am so sorry you are going through this at Christmas. We found out it was all over on Boxing Day.

We are no further forward at the moment and still waiting .....

@Stressedoutmybox I’m wondering if the allegation has no substance? Thinking of you.

We've got an interview date now. I need to work out how to approach this with DS as he will meltdown if he hears word arrest

Thinking of you and your DS, OP.
The lack of information you as the parent/legal guardian been given (considering it puts your DS in such a serious situation) is astounding and awful.

I think you need to accept that this situation means saying something things youd normally avoid.

It sounds like quite the serious accusation and its better hes heard the words in a safe environment first

@Stressedoutmybox An interview is not arrest though. It’s an interview. Get a solicitor though. Unfortunately DS will have to be told what’s going on. What are they interviewing him about? What is the crime?

@Stressedoutmybox

I can't stress the importance of having a solicitor present, and of having DS meet with them prior to the interview. AND it's quite possible that the authorities involved in this will be required to tell a solicitor ahead of the interview more than they're telling you. Often times the authorities conceal or skirt around the reasons for an interview for the express purpose of not giving the interviewee the time to review the incident and prepare. They want to catch them out.

I hate to say it, but in a lot of cases the police and other 'authorities' simply cannot be trusted to play fair and be above board. If one of my DSs had been in this situation I would have begged, borrowed, or stolen the money for legal representation.

You can tell the solicitor ahead of meeting DS that you are concerned about him having a meltdown. I'm sure it won't be the first time they've dealt with that.

You will be told in interview that your son is there voluntarily but could be liable to arrest if he leaves so you will need to desensitize him to the issue of arrest in case just the word being mentioned affects him.
Also, as it has been mentioned enough you know about the solicitors presence but just to clear a point above, the interview can be stopped at any point if further legal advice is needed after the initial consultation prior to interview, so there is no need for any ambush situation of new information being presented for which your son is not prepared.

I’d contact https://www.coram.org.uk/what-we-do/our-work-and-impact/coram-childrens-legal-centre/

Coram are more of a pressure and campaigning group but could point you in the right direction.

@OhDear111 sorry, yes, that’s what I was thinking. They might have some ideas about who to contact locally to @Stressedoutmyboxwith experience of working with neurodivergent teens.

Thanks everyone, yes there will be a solicitor at the interview ( it's not until next month). We will meet with her heforehand. All parties are aware.of DS neurodivergence.

Have they actually told you what the issue is yet?

@Staringintothevoid616 I think they must or what is the solicitor supposed to do?

Well, we can’t actually comment any further then

It will be interesting to see the follow up!

Sorry for lack of posts, I've been trying to put it to the back of my mind (unsuccessfully!!). I've got an indication of what's going on - it's enough to put me into a blind panic (along lines of close contact - apparently not due to nature of the sport).

It’s hard to know what to say OP. I hope you have some support, someone in real life you can talk to. It’s hard to see atm I know, but the positives are he hasn’t been immediately arrested and bailed with conditions around contact with under 18’s. If they thought he was a risk they would be putting some immediate intervention in place, especially with younger siblings in the home.