DS Alleged Incident - Police/Social Services - So Stressed. Advice Needed

[Stressedoutmybox]

Ten days ago the police called to say that my son (age 16) couldn't go to his water polo club due to an "alleged incident" and that they would be coming round to speak to me (DS was not in when when they came round - note he is AuDHD ). They wouldn't tell me anything about the allegation only that it happened some time ago, so I am not sure why they had to come round tbh to not be able to give me any information?. I was very upset/crying at the time as felt completely blindsided. One of the officers did say remember that not everything this is reported is true - however the next phone call below makes me feel like they are already saying he is guilty?

A few days later social services called to say that a meeting had been held at the school with the themselves, the police, a school rep and community health to discuss it. She wouldn't tell me either what the allegation was but that the police would want to talk to us/him. I asked if I would need a solicitor, she called back and said that the police unit involved said no, we wouldn't ..... this was last week and I haven't heard anything more. I am so stressed, not sleeping or eating. I asked her if there was any info she could give me at all - all she said was that they'd be looking to do some workshops with him?? So, now i'm totally petrified.

Does anyone have any advice? Can I ask that they come round and just talk to us, without my son or we can find out more about the allegation - or can they insist on him being there? He will not cope at all and I am worried about him. He has no idea any of this is going on, or that he might have done something. Should I say that if they want to talk to us we will meet them there with a solicitor? It's not a great time of year to try and get hold of someone and tbh I wouldn't know where to start.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Discreetly ask around for a recommendation for a solicitor that specialises in this area and hire them and take their advice.

Would it not be easier to speak to your son and ask him what he thinks it relates to?

You need to speak to your son, he's going to find out regardless but maybe he will be better prepared? What is his communication with you like? I hope you are okay that does sound stressful but hopefully its not as bad as I'm sure you are imagining x

He is unaware of anything he may have done, especially as it was earlier this year. He would go into an absolute blind panic if he thought he was in trouble with the police so I have to be careful how I handle it with him - I have asked some casual questions around it (rather than asking directly) but so far, nothing. I have barely slept since this all happened as I have absolutely no idea what he might have done but to have already involved four parties in a meeting is sending my anxiety spiralling.

Its awful they aren't telling you anything OP, especially as your son has additional needs and you are his advocate. Really hope its some misunderstanding or similar. As he hasn't been arrested hopefully its not anything very sinister? Sorry I wouldn't have a clue but I'm sending you hugs, there's nothing worse than worrying about things out of our control and we tend to go straight to the worst case scenario x

Why does he think he can’t go to water polo? You need to speak to him calmly. If police, social services and school are involved, he needs to know questions about his behaviour have been raised.

I understand your panic but it doesn’t sound like they are taking things too seriously. If they were they would be taking his phone, laptop etc, arresting him and having him on bail conditions etc. totally get you are losing sleep here. Personally I would not be discussing it with my son. Firstly I would worry about the impact on his mental health and secondly I would rather the police or social services did it to ensure he doesn’t have time to pre plan an answer. Don’t forget your son may also need protecting from false allegations. Trust the system. Try to relax. Be open and hinest but keep asking questions. The bonus here is at 16 they have to fully involve you. Do you have a younger child living at home? If so you may find yourself in a position of promising to not allow unsupervised contact to social services. But this is a safeguarding thing for your son as much as anyone else.

Thank you. Yes my imagination is going haywire. He has been going every week all year. I've got no idea what's potentially happened. He's the eldest child.

I would ring and try and get an update, you shouldn't have to sit like this all through Christmas worrying yourself sick. They surely shouldn't advise you not to get a Solicitor but not tell you what you son is potentially being accused of

Ask the water polo people? Who has told him not to go- what is he thinking?

Get a solicitor.

Is the allegation definitely AGAINST your son?

From the parties involved and the fact they said you don’t need a solicitor it made we wonder whether it was an allegation made against someone at the club that they have done something inappropriate to your son….

How do you know he's unaware of you haven't directly asked him? Is it possible that he does know and is keeping it from you?
I think you need to talk to him properly before the police or anyone else does. If you think he can't handle the conversation with you, how is he going to handle it with the police?

I’m shocked that they held a professionals meeting when you haven’t even been told what the allegation is. The only time I’ve heard of that happening is when it’s the parents who are suspected of harming the child, which obviously doesn’t apply here. I can only imagine how terrifying and stressful it is for you, I think it’s been handled appallingly. I would keep gently probing around the subject with DS, but no leading questions and I wouldn’t let him in on the full story until you have to. It won’t do any good and will only ramp up the anxiety for all of you.

Whatever it turns out to be, please remember that you have done nothing wrong. All you can do is be there for your DS, encourage him to tell the truth and engage with whatever support he’s offered. Look after yourself as well.

This is a good point, otherwise surely you would need a solicitor. I guess they won't tell you in case you coach answers but that could equally apply to him being a victim. Horrible to leave you hanging though.

@Stressedoutmybox I have some experience of this type of allegation. My dd was interviewed on a rape allegation. Just the police, DD and me. Dd was 14. She had no idea what they were talking about. The police told her the offence had a prison sentence of many years if she was guilty. Two somewhat poorly trained women officers asked some questions about boarding house fun and games and had it “gone too far?”
I was there and frankly I was furious. DD had told me about this child and the difficulty of having her in the boarding house. She knew this child delighted in getting others into trouble by wild exaggeration.

DD was of course exonerated but they have to believe what every lying child tells them (the school) and follow protocol but it was plain for everyone to see the child who lied (not just about DD) was deeply troubled. Numerous allegations were made against other dc too. All of it lies but one girl was excluded as a result of it. She was also exonerated and reinstated. Not that she came back and I don’t blame her. The school knew the girl making allegations had a difficult history but chose to ignore it. Money talks.

Obviously I truly hope your DS has done nothing. My DD knew there was only one child who would make this allegation up so DD explained to the police how this child lied and said all sorts of things. Their hands are tied in terms of investigation and it’s probably not substantiated. I fully understand the stress and wish you well.

This is awful that you are not getting any info, if it were me I'd definitely get a solicitor, you have the right to get one even if they said not to. A solicitor will find out what is happening.

Why can't they tell you anything ? How long are they expecting you to wait and what are they waiting for? If they've involved all these different people then it's not something minor.

Your son is 16 he's still a minor and has special needs, they should be answering your questions.

Actually this is a really good point, maybe this is the reason.

I appreciate all the posts. All the wording so far is that it is my DS who is alleged to have done something not the other way around. The social worker also said something about workshops. It's finished for the holidays so he's not asking why he can't go - but he also has exams after the holidays. Whatever he's alleged to have done he's not aware - at least from what I can gather.

Having this hang over you over Christmas is awful. Any way you can go into the police station tomorrow and try to get someone to talk to you?

Tbh I would be going a bit apeshit about this. How can they say they are having meetings about your son when he’s not been convicted of anything. Telling you not to get a solicitor (so they have no plans to convict of anything). Yet expect him to do workshops and are banning him from his activity. Excuse me?!

I would’ve thought if it was what you’re probably imagining then they would’ve had to tell you if you have younger kids at home?

I think it is totally ridiculous and unfair to tell you there has been an allegation but not say what it is about. I would consult a solicitor and when DS finally gets interviewed make sure solicitor is with him because he would tell your son if he did not need to answer a specific question.

Check your home insurance to see if it covers legal advice.

I used to work in a school that had a unit for autistic children.

it was quite common for them to get involved with inappropriate behaviour largely because they didn’t really have a level of understanding that helped them avoid it.

so for example one girl had open public social media. Many men chatted with her and she sometimes tried to meet up with them in person because “they wanted to be friends” with her.

it sounds like an allegation has been made and the safeguarding process has kicked in. The meeting at school sounds like a TAC/TAF meeting - team around the child/team around the family - meeting where all the professionals meet and take decisions.

This meeting is part of the social work/child protection process rather than the police process so you don’t need a solicitor for the social work/child protection process although if it reaches the stage of police interviews etc I would recommend getting one.

the police don’t generally want to get involved with send type child protection stuff.

if your child is known to be autistic/adhd and there has been an incident where he has been inappropriate in a sexual way (eg showing photos or videos of sex to a younger child, resending them to his friends etc) then it is likely that one of the outcomes of the tac meeting might be to do some work with him specifically about appropriate online behaviour and safety. There will (hopefully!) be a recognition that the autism means that normal processes are not appropriate.

depending on what the incident was and the risk assessment for the ongoing risk to other children other things may be put in place.

for example, we had a boy who was going through puberty. He was experiencing strong sexual urges and kept groping girls in the corridors. He was put on 1:1 TA while we got a specialist in to work with him on understanding not to touch other people’s bodies unless they said it was ok.

he wasn’t stopped from doing any activities but fairly obviously the girls (and their parents!) were very upset.

it sounds like this is the child protection process kicking in rather than the legal one.