DS Alleged Incident - Police/Social Services - So Stressed. Advice Needed

[Stressedoutmybox]

Ten days ago the police called to say that my son (age 16) couldn't go to his water polo club due to an "alleged incident" and that they would be coming round to speak to me (DS was not in when when they came round - note he is AuDHD ). They wouldn't tell me anything about the allegation only that it happened some time ago, so I am not sure why they had to come round tbh to not be able to give me any information?. I was very upset/crying at the time as felt completely blindsided. One of the officers did say remember that not everything this is reported is true - however the next phone call below makes me feel like they are already saying he is guilty?

A few days later social services called to say that a meeting had been held at the school with the themselves, the police, a school rep and community health to discuss it. She wouldn't tell me either what the allegation was but that the police would want to talk to us/him. I asked if I would need a solicitor, she called back and said that the police unit involved said no, we wouldn't ..... this was last week and I haven't heard anything more. I am so stressed, not sleeping or eating. I asked her if there was any info she could give me at all - all she said was that they'd be looking to do some workshops with him?? So, now i'm totally petrified.

Does anyone have any advice? Can I ask that they come round and just talk to us, without my son or we can find out more about the allegation - or can they insist on him being there? He will not cope at all and I am worried about him. He has no idea any of this is going on, or that he might have done something. Should I say that if they want to talk to us we will meet them there with a solicitor? It's not a great time of year to try and get hold of someone and tbh I wouldn't know where to start.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

He hasn’t been arrested or even spoken to, so as much as they are saying it’s serious it could be “stern word” serious still. I’m hoping it’s dealt with soon for you because this is really unfair.

@StressedoutmyboxYou do need to get more info out of DS. He needs you to really jog his memory. Has he fallen out with anyone recently? Has there been messing about at sports club? Has he witnessed anything that’s illegal behaviour? What has the atmosphere been like in the changing room - for the last 9 months? What about changes in how players are with DS recently? Has anyone changed the way they are with him? What has another young person talked about to him? Anything illegal they are drawing DS into?

In my DDs case - absolutely nothing. No apology - just nothing. No further contact from police at all. The other girl who was falsely accused was reinstated into school (she had been excluded) but she didn’t come back. She was older. This was a private school and her parents were furious and rich. Do hang on to the fact that allegations are not always truthful and evidence isn’t always there. I do urge you to get more info from him and get DH involved too which might help you get this in perspective. It could end up being an unpleasant perspective, but not necessarily.

This sounds exactly the same as what happened with my DS. The girl made allegations at school to get out of class. They (the school) made her pit it in writing as a statement, which then escalated because the school were duty bound to tell police and social services. She then refused to give an account to the police, because it was evidently untrue, but the police and socal services still had to deal with it as if it were true.

Eventually, in the face of the girl refusing to give a statement, and my son having a solicitor, it just went away. We never heard from the police again and the girl went back to school as if nothing happened.

I moved my son to another school immediately

Because they may incriminate themselves, however unknowingly or innocently. A solicitor can’t be accused of coaching a client by advising no comment to questions in a police interview.

@Rosscameasdoody The DS has Autism I think. Will he stick to No Comment? Why not say he’s no idea what’s being talked about if he hasn’t?! The police will immediately think no comment is covering up. Anyway, honesty is the best policy and no doubt op is getting a solicitor who will want to hear any recollections. If there are none and no evidence from a camera, what then? Bearing in mind it’s 9 months ago. It’s probably an issue over something that was said but I think the op needs to grill DS a bit more. If he won’t say anything to op he’s presumably not going to invent anything for a benefit of the police? That would be ludicrous. No one yet knows what he’s accused of. It might be inappropriate speech for all we know. Or it might be a dc is offended of it might be fabricated to “get back” as DS. Until the police actually say what it is, we are guessing.

This is really poor advice. It sounds like it comes from someone who has a very naive, privileged view of the world, putting complete trust in police and our justice system unfortunately does not mean everything will be ok if you 'just tell the truth'. Have you heard of 'anything you do say may be given in evidence' it is often better to say nothing at all - unless you can categorically say 'i was not there at that date/time and can prove it.'

DH has been talking to him again, he doesnt remember anything of note / inappropriate happening around Easter time - DS can't lie, he's very black/white. Most solicitors are back next week but have managed to speak to one about the next steps.

@TartanMammy You are completely wrong! Read my earlier post. My DD was interviewed by the police for an offence carrying a very long sentence. It was alleged girl on girl rape. DD told the truth. It was indeed that the allegation was invented and nothing had happened. Same age as DS here.

I don’t trust the police as far as I can throw them. A bit of proper investigation and DD would not have been interviewed at all. I worried about it all over Christmas too as I was told on the last day of term and then heard nothing. It was shit. And into the New Year. The police had no evidence. Just an allegation and it was something invented by a very troubled child. As my DD explained to the police officers.

In hindsight I would never ever allow dc to be interviewed by the police without a solicitor present but this wasn’t at the police station. The interview or “chat” was at school. I believed DD and, as it turned out, so did the police. I’m one of very few parents writing here who has experience of this and I am not naive! Believe me. Saying nothing of the sort happened cannot be used against you. Being clear that this was the case and the truth is the best defence if the alienation is invented. If it’s true, that’s different. Other dc said the same as my DD.

This is also a child and the police have taken 9 months to look into this, or it’s a recent allegation triggered by something recent - a falling out? It might be a child making mischief. As in our case - with a history of it! Op needs more info and I hope she gets it. However I’ve experience of the police and criminal allegations and few here have.

What a horrible situation for you OP, im so sorry you've had this hanging over you all Christmas. I really hope you get some answers soon as im sure the worrying and wondering is alot worse than being able to have an answer and then take action to deal with things. Wish you all the luck and please look after yourself

There is no such thing as girl on girl rape, I am unsure which offence you mean.

> I don’t trust the police as far as I can throw them. A bit of proper investigation and DD would not have been interviewed at all

The interview is the investigation. It’s not a punishment. The police don’t have to do or prove anything before they decide to ask somebody questions.

> This is also a child and the police have taken 9 months to look into this, or it’s a recent allegation triggered by something recent - a falling out? It might be a child making mischief

94-96% of allegations of crimes are true.

It’s normal for there to be a delay in reporting crimes of a certain nature, due to victims’ very valid concerns that they won’t be believed. Instead they are treated like the problem - mentally ill, or malicious - for daring to speak up.

@BitzerMalonie Well exactly. My point to the police! You can see how bizarre it was. DD was told rape by 2 women police officers sitting in front of us that the crime had a sentence value of up to x years (or whatever) - it was the their opening remark. It was a rape investigation and it was involving girls. I’m not making this up. Of course I don’t trust the police but DD could categorically say, truthfully, it was a made up story and of course there was no evidence. Just lies! And yet, there we were faced by two women police officers. It’s shocking but they don’t use common sense.

So I’m truly not naive! But DD was truthful and it was the best thing to do in the circumstances.

I was allowed to make my views known and they did have some understanding of the lying child after our conversation. It was not just my DD who was lied about either. The school hushed it up and 6 months later the lying DD went missing and had run off with a boy. Found 2 days later. Then, belatedly, excluded. She consistently told DDs that no school could keep her, that she has been excluded from 3 already and we knew some staff at the school were aware of this. The Head denied it! They decided not to tell the police about her background but I thought it mattered. This child came with money for a new sports hall. Huge donation. It was appalling. But, the truth mattered more. Years ago now but you don’t forget it and I understand the op - totally.

@ChattyCatty25But there was no crime to investigate! They thought girls had raped a girl! How? What crime is being investigated?

I have name changed to protect my DS, am very happy to answer any questions via DM.

My DS has AuHD. He’s now 19 and in many ways mature but in many is vulnerable, particularly in relation to social rules and missing things that others would recognise as red flags.

last year he was accused of raping a girl under 16. He admitted he had had sex with her but believed she was over sixteen and was very clear it was consensual.

He said he asked her age but didn’t question her when she said 16.

I think her parents found out she had been in a hotel with a man and understandably reacted which lead to a police report.

initially it was a situation that I almost couldn’t manage. However, I know my son and when he told me what had happened I believed him, he didn’t try to pretend he hadn’t had sex with her and fully cooperated with the police.

however, we did get a specialist solicitor asap and he wasn’t interviewed until they were present. I was also his appropriate adult and was very clear that we had to handle this very carefully and that although I/ we could live with what he had done, he could be charged and if found guilty it could change his life.

He was advised to write a statement and then say no comment to all other questions.

He found no comment hard, his autism means that he will tell the truth even if others would say nothing etc.

he was bailed and had some conditions… It was a hard, hard time and I am very impressed at how strong he was- he started a new job the next week and he did that and didn’t let this stop him.

The police were actually nice to him and I feel really understood him, I will never forget the man from the child sexual exploitation team taking his finger prints and saying.. you make sure you go to that job- don’t let this define you…lots of people come here, some have done wrong things others havn’t and you have a chance to move forward in the world, don’t let this stop you…

he was basically reassuring us that that he didn’t think it would go further without saying that and for that i will be forever grateful.

not all police are the same but he was a good one!

all charges were evantually dropped and we were able to begin to move on… it’s taken time, we know he naivety lead to something happening that shouldn’t have. He hasn’t had a relationship since and it will take a long time for him to really move on ( and I think this is as it should be)

the specialist advice was expensive but invaluable, I had to make sure he got the right advise and was honest but not unnecessarily so.

you will get through this.. please do reach out if helpfull and I hope sharing our story helps

remember you matter to

Thank you for your posts and sharing your experiences. It's such a blindside. I couldn't find a solicitor with neurodiverse experiences but the one I've found comes across well on reviews which is all I have to go by. Every morning when I open my eyes I catch myself in shock that this is happening. I am dreading having to cope with work as well as this. DS genuinely seems to have no recollection of anything seriously inappropriate happening in the pool during water polo. Although the incident happened months and months ago it's only recently been reported.

Sorry to hear this - I have some inside experience and this process doesn’t seem right at all to me. Proceed with caution and solicitor for any future interactions. There have been several normal business days for the police and if serious crime why on earth are you still waiting.

@Hattieandcake We were left for well over a month. Not much goes on over Christmas.

Is this just male water polo? Are there girls around?

I don't think you meant to respond to me?

Yes just boys in the game/training. Would they usually name the alleged as part of their investigations? ie speaking to other players?

@Clareat2021 Apologies.

@Stressedoutmybox No they might not say who but what could the boys have done that was criminal? No one beaten up or dead. So what is it. Assume your DS has been attending happily since? No one has said anything? Club official or referees etc? Just seems odd.

We have had direct experience with this, so just giving information from our experience.

-the police do not investigate, they collect evidence and then decide whether they have enough evidence to take to CPS.

—in our case the alleged incidents happened months before the allegations and it took 6 months after the allegations for the police to conclude ‘no further action’ - this does not mean guilty or not guilty just not enough evidence to move forwards.
-some social workers are great others are not so. One completely misinterpreted everything we said and we had to put in a complaint
-we used the solicitor that worked closely with the police. She was free. We were invited to ‘voluntary interview’ (not really voluntary though!) and between police, solicitor and us we organised a convenient time. Before interview, police and solicitor chatted, then solicitor chatted to us, then it was interview. As a designated adult my job was to just ensure he was not bullied and understood what was being asked.
-it was incredibly stressful, had a massive effect on all our lives BUT we have got through it.
-we did consider taking the people making the allegations to court ourselves as it was just an extreme form of bullying but we just wanted to put an end to the whole situation.

Everything that Lorisparkle says is spot on.

There is some absolutely garbage ‘advice’, assumptions and straight up nonsense on this thread but this is genuinely the most accurate post I’ve read on this thread.

@Temporaryusernamefortoday What is nonsense in your view? Experiences vary but few have direct experiences of the police with teens and never think they all work in the same way.

I have been told that the police with a solicitor will interview my DS in the new year. Some days I feel like I'm having an out of body experience with the stress of it all.

Just focus on one day or one hour at a time… if DS can genuinely not remember anything then this will either be false or something that he didn’t realise was a problem…. Keep talking to us