Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

I get this "I want to be a good girl" sense (not saying this in a condescending way, more pointing out the infantilised roots of this thinking) from you, but oversharing/overconfessing/overapologising may backfire.

From personal experience, Chinese civil servants are people (often bored and with Monday blues) too, OP, and you just create extra work for them declaring things which are not usually declared.

They are really not interested in spent convictions and issue the visa anyway when people do declare (for more official long-term visas). Think of it as: for a simple holiday you are creating a lot more work / checks / whatever for them. Same on the Japan side.

I hate drink driving, a relative of mine was killed by a drink driver and it was devastating for our family. However, if I knew that the drink driver was a woman driving to escape abuse, I would have some sympathy and in time I think I could have forgiven the driver. Therefore I think you should forgive yourself. You made a decision in a stressful moment to get yourself to safety, and knowing that no one was hurt, it wasn’t the worst decision. Maybe worse would have happened to you if hadn’t have done it.

As I say, I really hate drink driving, and I don’t know your daughter, but I wouldn’t think bad of a loving mum doing what you did in the circumstances you describe. It sounds like you’ve been a good person throughout life who has punished herself enough. Forgive yourself.

It was 30 years ago!! How would a new country even know?! Seriously- it’s not drug trafficking or murder! Why don’t you phone up your embassy in that country she ask? Or just wing it and get on a plane?

Even if it wasn't escaping abuse, even if it was just a jolly jape, it's been 30 years and no one was hurt. It's fine to chalk it up as a lesson learnt and move on. I know it was meant well but she doesn't need your assessment.

It’s a forum, OP has posted and will therefore will get people’s views, including mine. You are not the thread police so there we are then.

It would have been worse if it was for a ‘jolly jape’ as the benefit didn’t outweigh the risk.

Sure. You're free to post as am I. I think your conditionally forgiving assessment is overdone and too guilt-inducing for a 30 year old incident the OP is still self-flagellating over. As I said it would have been 100% fine by now even if it were a jolly old jape. You've shared your opinion; this is my opinion.

A third or something people in the UK have convictions. You don’t even need a visa for under 90 days. You need therapy.

My personal experience means that I wouldn’t forgive a ‘jolly jape’ because any potential benefit wouldn’t outweigh the potential risk. In OPs case it did, she was running from abuse, so it’s a totally different situation. You can keep picking on my posts if you like and I’ll keep answering. 😉

My dear beloved late grandfather was actually once hurt by a winking emoji. Immediate coronary failure. The damn thing was too glaringly yellow. But as a victim, I extend you my magnanimous forgiveness on grounds of your true repentance. You will no doubt be relieved to hear I, the victim's near and dear family, partially forgive you!

Oh dear. Someone needs attention.

It sounds to me on some level you are linking your mistake with the punishment and loss of your family, but they were never there for you anyway. They were looking for a reason to distance themselves and this just happened to be it. This is about the loss of your family, not the drink driving offence.

Although dd is not ideal, in emergency situations people can not always rationalise how to save themselves, they are in flight and fight mode and you took the only option available to you at the time - as most people would, you were trying to survive and rightly so.

Given your terrible childhood it was hardly surprising that you ended up in this position op,,it was familiar to you to be abused.

What you needed at the time was love, support and empathy. To be held and cared for. Instead your family rejected you in the most callous way and would have found another reason if it was not this one op. In your sub conscious you carry this deep shame, but it’s not your shame to carry. Does the man that abused you and forced you into such a dangerous position feel shame? Do your family feel shame for abusing you? Do the police feel shame for not arresting the perpetrator of domestic violence?

You are the victim here op, and I am so sad you are so triggered this evening.

You need to go back into counselling and learn how to love your own self, and to recognise just how badly you have been let down by your parents in particular.

I will ask you one thing op, why didn’t you call your parents when you were afraid? Why did you flee to a friend’s house? You knew they wouldn’t be there for you that’s why - because they never were, and that’s why you were in this position in the first place. Most people would have had their family to call in a fire situation. With most parents rushing over to offerr support sand protection. You would not have needed to drive had you been properly cared for in the first place.

I hope you can make peace with your one mistake - and will find the confidence to be honest with your dd about the circumstances that led to this conviction (but please only tell her if you are sure she will be kind)
You are very fragile and must take care of yourself at the moment. Speak to the Japanese embassy most make exceptions for driving offences. Go into coubseinh and deal with the past once and for all as it is really impacting your life op. You deserve to be free of shame and sadness, and to live yore life fully 💐

• dire situation
• Counselling

We also lost a relative to a drink driver and I completely agree with your post. @SweetSound Ignore the “jolly jape” poster, I’m not sure what is going on there. 😬

OP, you had to escape a bad situation and nobody was hurt. Seek therapy to enable you to forgive yourself.

Also the guidance for China is to apply for your visa well in advance and be honest about the nature and date of conviction. When they see the date of offence as 1995 they won't bat an eyelid.

as for your family, you are well rid of them. They showed you who they are.

@Hannahhanhannah

I went through this. Happened the day after I found out I had less than a 5% chance of conceiving through IVF. I got drunk and then drove home the next morning but the alcohol was in my system. No one was hurt.
I thought I’d lose my job - I didn’t. I thought my partner would leave me. He didn’t.
I cycled to work. Still went ahead with IVF, and miraculously got pregnant, I have two children now.

I saw the whole thing as a huge turning point.

I’ve recently had to do two enhanced DBS checks and my conviction is now spent. It doesn’t appear on my DBS. I don’t need to declare it.
I’ve travelled abroad and haven’t had a problem - although I haven’t driven abroad.
I think getting proper advice? Google may say conflicting things. Citizens Advice Bureau?
Ultimately, I’ve forgiven myself and I think you are being way too hard on yourself.

@Hannahhanhannah I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but youve absolutely grown up in a narcissistic family system. Check out Dr Ramani on YouTube. She helped me to make sense of what was going on in my life and eternally grateful. Therapy is good, but all therapists are not trained in narcissim and won't understand what you've been through. And stop the self-blame and beating! Everyone makes mistakes. You don't need to self-punish.

I agree. Maybe think of this as the wake up call you need to get help and free yourself from all this guilt and anxiety. CBT can be excellent for this sort of thing. It must be awful to be catastrophising and ruminating on something that happened so long ago. Something that had a negative impact on noone apart from yourself.

Countries are not interested in spent convictions. By declaring it you're only creating problems for yourself, admin issues for them and potential hassle for your daughter who just wants a lovely trip with her daughter, not to have to stand in passport control while her mum tries to explain about a drink driving conviction that happened 30 years ago that noone is interested in. Life is difficult enough without us making it more so and self sabotaging. It's almost as if you feel you don't deserve any happiness.

My DH spent a short time in prison before I met him. We went travelling in our 20s so the sentence would have been in the previous decade. We did a round the world trip across 4 continents with no problems. We've since done other trips,including a month in China, with absolutely no problem whatsoever.

Just go, have a lovely time with your daughter, stop making life more difficult for yourself and for your family, and definitely start the process of getting some help for yourself

I'm dismayed but not surprised at all that the first reaction to a call for help to the police for a young woman fleeing domestic abuse was to prosecute them for drink driving.

What everyone else has said, this is rooted in your awful mother and family who made you feel that you were worthless and shameful throughout your life.

I am struck by how you have not modeled and repeated that behaviour with your own daughter. She wants to go on a significant holiday with you, so you have obviously been a good, loving and supportive Mother, who she loves spending time with. Be proud OP. You broke the cycle of abuse with her. That’s a hard thing to do, and you did it. You’re a great person who became a great Mum. Have pride in yourself.

You may want to look up self compassion techniques, as well as look into specialised therapy for the issues you raise in this post.

Hi Op bless you! It seems to me your family’s behaviour coupled with your own belief what you did was wrong ie calling the police yourself is making you feel extremely guilty however I looked this up. I hope you go and enjoy yourself

Don’t declare it. It’s not on any computer that they can access. Have a nice time.

It sounds from op’s post that maybe someone was harmed. OP my heart goes out to you. We all make mistakes but you were caught out. You have gone onto live a nice life and raise a daughter that likes you enough to travel with you. What you need is to heal and repair and forgive yourself. Please don’t do this to yourself xxxx

Oh sorry nobody harmed but even if they were forgive yourself and if they weren’t then gosh don’t do this to yourself.

Your family, with all due respect sound crazy - why would family punish someone by judging and ostracising - their sin is far beyond anything you did.

I feel sorry for you op.

Ah mate… sounds like you need to deal with the emotions around it and someone is STILL using it to give you a good kicking.

Have fun in Japan… would recommend Mount Takao in Tokyo and the Bullet Train!

I say declare it cos otherwise you’ll be stressed the whole holiday. I really can’t imagine Japan or China not letting you in over this - though I have no expertise or knowledge but I just find it hard to believe. Go in for the interview, dress impeccably, say your life was in danger. Say you love their country, it’s a dream to go and an even bigger dream as a mother to go with your daughter. Smile nicely and play the middle class matriarch. I guarantee you will be fine.