Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

And is is clear you need mental health help, and have for a long time, with this extreme reaction to a one-off unimportant event which most people would have felt a few twinges of regret about the next day, promisd themselves they wouldnt do it again, and then would have forgotten all about it years ago. Calling the police and later asking a judge to send you to prison, when you hadn't caused anyone any harm, and then all the anxiety and guilt since, are not even close to normal reactions to this situation.

Unless the police had evidence of you drink driving, they wouldn't charge you. They wouldn't go on your (or anyone else's) word alone.

Ask for legal advice for what?

I’ve actually helped someone with a minor spent conviction get the information they needed for a successful emigration when they were panicking.

i was also worried that our answers to the Chinese visa questions plus the stamps in our passports would cause a problem but they didn’t.

I am so sorry the OP is having a tough time.

Oh my goodness you need to go easy on yourself. My nephew lost his licence about 4 years ago aged 21 (totally deserved as he was caught drink driving and I know it wasn’t the first time) He was a recent graduate and had secured an amazing job which required him to be able to drive (engineer so site visits) It looked like he would lose this job too. He was very fortunate that the company though disappointed with him thought a lot of him so they paired him with a colleague who could do the driving until he had regained his licence.Its not forgotten and we all had goes at him for being an irresponsible dickhead who totally deserved his punishment but at this stage it’s not front and centre. He is a very loved member of our family (love the sinner but not not the sin) and he and the rest of us have moved on. We all hope he’s learned his lesson and will never be so stupid and reckless again. Talk to your daughter, explain and get this off your chest. I’m sure she’ll understand. There is no one who has not fallen at times in this life and I’m very much including myself. Don't let this eat you up any longer. You deserve peace. Xx

You were born perfect, your mum made you feel unlovable because deep down, she feels unworthy and was passing her self loathing onto you and made your siblings join in. Maybe someone from her past treated her the same way she treated you but you broke the circle and brought your children up with unconditional love.
Your children love you and would be upset that you believe they would ever turn their backs on you. They will say what so many other people have said on this post, you made a mistake but have to forgive yourself.
I think you may have PTSD, your family’s treatment of you, domestic violence, calling the police on yourself and your family turning their backs on you is so traumatic @Hannahhanhannah.

Your family are toxic, that has no bearing on the person you are! Leave their toxicity in the past, you brought your children up how you deserved to have been, very loved. ❤️ Your children are your family now, I bet they love and adore you xx

How far did you drive OP?

Fleeing violence is one of the few defences to drink driving so if your friend was closer than the nearest police station or other safe place it's a disgrace that you even have a conviction.

Please don't be so hard on yourself 💐and treat yourself to some 1:1 time with a therapist if you possibly can. I feel sympathy for you and I understand why you did it.

You had no choice other than to flee, and many of us would have done the same in your situation. The only difference is we wouldn’t have called the police on ourselves.

Please stop being so hard on yourself 💐

@Hannahhanhannah please dump the family. They are rotten to the core - getting in touch when they need something - don’t give them the satisfaction. You have more than paid for this and you reported yourself - few people would do that. Please be kind to yourself.

Tell your daughter.
I think she will understand.

That's what I thought?! OP was never caught, and really I don't see too many people even admitting this to the police needlessly when no one was hurt or even knew about it. Odd story.

I haven’t read whole thread but I feel you are being VERY hard on yourself OP.

My sister was killed by a drunk driver. As a family we forgave him. We don’t give him a second thought. He has to live with what he did, but we always wanted him to move on with his life. No point 2 lives being ruined.
People make mistakes. Move on, live the biggest life.

Please, when you tell your daughter, start by saying that when you were in a relationship at 20 you escaped a beating/ being killed by grabbing the car keys and getting out. That action takes guts! The fact you were over the limit is secondary; you didn't crash or injure anyone. Your family are sanctimonious idiots who have ground you down for decades. NC them , contact the Japanese Embassy for a visa (it's not a big deal at all!) and enjoy the trip. You saved your own life, there's no shame in that.

This is what I don't get why would the police take your word for it.

Right first off sort some therapy for yourself as per other poster's recommendations.

Secondly do a Subject Access Request - see what's ACTUALLY on the police computer about you. https://acro.police.uk/s/acro-services/subject-access
Takes about a month. I wouldn't mind betting that NOTHING will come up because your conviction is a) too old for the computer and b) was spent before the records were computerised.

If in the event it DOES throw up your drink driving then simply apply for a Police Certificate.
So long ago, they're not going to stop you travelling now.

Aw so sorry that you have tormented yourself for far too long on this

1. you were young
2. you admitted this to the police freely
3. no-one was hurt
4. you were desperate
5. you escaped DA so you did the right thing!! also
6. your family are wayyyy in the wrong over this, they should have listened and took your side unconditionally when you told them
7. the police were way in the wrong too. No-one was hurt and you had mitigating circumstances as you were escaping a threatening partner

Please please please forgive yourself and let this go. In my opinion you made the survivalist reaction and took flight which was the RIGHT DECISION.
Your family are horrible for doing this and THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES 🧐
Enjoy your holidays with your wonderful daughter which is down to you btw! You’re all good! 🥰

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. I don’t blame you in the slightest for getting behind a wheel drink driving to escape a monster. You did the right and the safest thing for you at the time. Yes it doesn’t sound great, but neither does the thought of you potentially being attacked further by a complete twat.

Your daughter will understand. Your family are harsh, we all make mistakes, it’s a part of life and it teaches us valuable lessons. Have a chat with her, I bet she understands x

Honestly I don’t know what you want people to say to you.

You’re a victim of yourself, you’re being much harder on yourself than your family or ex ever were to you.

You have a conviction for drink driving, something that happens across the country on a daily basis? I’m not saying that what you did was okay, but you have mentally locked yourself in your own jail for the last 30 years… the only person who has the key to release you from that hell is you.

Oh OP. I really, really feel for you. I recognise the anxious, obsessive feelings you are having in myself. Anxiety is an absolute bitch and can latch on to things and make them feel like HUGE deals even if we know objectively they are not.

I would gently encourage you to get some therapy, in order to unpack the way you feel about yourself and also your difficult family relationships. I think your own mother did you a lot of damage, from your posts.

I do want to reassure you that you are NOT a bad person. You are not defined by things you did in the past. You didn't hurt anyone (except yourself!), you showed an unusually high level of remorse by actually reporting yourself. Every person on the planet makes mistakes, most of us do things we aren't proud of. It's part of what makes us human.

However, if you're anything like me, I'm not sure that reassurance will help. I think sometimes with anxiety we can crave reassurance, trying to settle our minds - although it can give temporary relief, at the end of the day it doesn't make the feelings go away and if anything just compounds the problem. We need more and more reassurance to feel ok about ourselves. It's a cycle and a trap.

If my Mum had told me something like this as an adult I wouldn't have batted an eyelid and it certainly wouldn't have changed how I felt about her. I would just have felt sad for her, that she'd allowed this thing to make her feel so guilty and ashamed for so long. Your daughter clearly loves you and wants to spend time with you (as she wants to go traveling with her Mum! That's lovely). Please book your trip, visas permitting (I know nothing about that but I'm sure it's easy to clarify) and enjoy every second.

Gosh, OP, you have a massive excuse and you didn't hurt anyone. I used to think it was hilarious to get in a car with a drunk driver. I look back and think I was brainless but don't waste time feeling guilty

"I have to declare it on the visa applications,"

Do you think that China (or Japan) can check whether you are lying? China is not a state with which the UK shares data, so unless the application requires a police check (which a tourist visa does not), you are worrying about nothing. Just apply for the visa and go

Whether or not you should talk abut the whole episode with your DD is another matter but based on what you have said on this thread I think you should stop torturing yourself

You'd be surprised at how many people travel with previous convictions.
Ah, I'm sorry that you have suffered so many years from shame, honestly, it is totally forgivable and I'm sure DD will understand.
Nobody is perfect.

If you want to model forgiveness and that it’s ok to make mistakes to your kids, then this might be a great opportunity to do that by forgiving yourself and showing compassion to the terrified 20 year old that you were. How would you react if your child had done this? You might expect them to show regret but also show them a wealth of compassion and love. Tell them about what happened while also demonstrating this compassion and love for yourself. I’d also strongly recommend therapy to help with this.