Ashamed and life ruined

[Hannahhanhannah]

So when I was 20 I commited a driving offence. There is a back story but ultimately I have a driving conviction for drink driving (whilst trying to escape domestic abuse).
I won’t excuse it, I did it and have lost all my family as a result as well as living with the shame ever since and even almost 30 years on it eats me up. I know I desvere that so not looking for sympathy. I’ve never done anything before or after that wrong and feel sick when I think about it.
now my daughter wants me to come travelling with her and some countries will not allow me in. She doesn’t know about my past as it was long before she was born and now I’m so sick and stuck again. I know I should come clean but also that’s my past and I don’t want her to know as she will hate me for it (and rightly so).
I literally hate myself still for it and feel sick when I think about it.
not sure what I’m wanting from this post but just need to tell someone I think

Being found guilty of drink driving is classed as a conviction! But it’s well spent now as most convictions stay on your record for 7 years unless it murder etc!

This is so sad to read. You sound like a wonderful person and mother. You haven't ruined anything. You need to be kind to yourself. Think through your situation and imagine it is your daughter who drove over the limit while escaping domestic abuse. I am pretty sure you wouldn't make her feel guilty at the time, but especially not after 30 years.

Try and think rationally, you don't need to declare this, you actually need to forget this. Look at getting some therapy to help you. The guilt seems like a trauma response to an exceptionally bad time in your life, plus a generally terrible childhood. You have a narcissistic family who make you the scapegoat, so your natural response is to blame yourself. You're continuing their treatment of you to yourself. You deserve to enjoy your life.

OP, by assuming you can't travel like this you are further sabotaging yourself. Which has been your life pattern. Being involved with an abuser. Reporting yourself to the police. Its all part of the same disordered thinking.

Its time to start changing the way you think about yourself. You're not living a full life because of it. Your daughter wants you to have a full life, she wants to travel with you. You're lucky to have this, and its clear to everyone here you deserve it. Apart from you.

Please please start seeing someone to help you untangle all this.

Xxx

I think you need counselling. You are continually punishing yourself and for what? You got out of an abusive situation, I'd argue you saved yourself and the DUI is just a consequence of that positive intervention.

Read this and apply for your visa(s) early so if you are denied you can make alternative arrangements . www.justanswer.co.uk/immigration-law/otnas-question-dui-conviction-need.html

Good luck.

My Advice would be tell the truth on the visa application, then go to the embassy for interview. I know someone that had a similar situation but not the same and wanted to travel to the US, they gave permission after interview at the embassy. Good luck OP.

i told the women’s aid place about it and they said it was common but I can’t even think about it without feeling shame, guilt and feeling sick as well.

It must be awful to have all those emotions dragged up again, are you sure you aren't conflating that with the fear and trauma you felt back then ? I really think some counselling would help you to let go of this once and for all.

You need to forgive yourself and put this all behind you. You obviously need professional help as it’s spiralled out of control - this incident should not be affecting you like this. Get help.

There is absolutely no way the authorities in China, Japan or anywhere else would be able to access this history after this time and from a pre-computer era. I have even emigrated once, and nearly emigrated once, completing all the paperwork before changing my mind, and I have never declared my drink driving conviction from 1993 to anyone.

Contact the charity ‘unlocked’ they will help you.
I have multiple convictions from a very difficult time in my early 20’s and it has held me back from jobs in the nhs but never from travelling. I’ve travelled the world, including America and it was never a problem.
a change in the law in 2021 now means that I do not need to declare and I can work for the NHS and charities. It’s been a rough ride of over 20 years of guilt and shame so I completely understand how you feel.

Your entire family cut you off for drink driving to escape domestic abuse? I can't imagine family doing this. Even if someone was killed or seriously injured as a result, I doubt most parents/siblings would cut off a family member forever for this.

I agree with others that you need counselling.

Your anticipation of your daughter's reaction is based on previous trauma, but objectively, if she is old enough to go travelling, she is old enough to understand something like this.

I think you should just tell her. You made a terrible mistake in what sounds like awful circumstances. Drink driving is a really bad thing to do but you already know that and seem to have been punishing yourself for many years.
It's time to move forward and stop hating yourself for it. It is ok to forgive yourself and accept that it doesn't define who you are for ever.

I’m sorry you went through a tough time too, it really does eat me up still whenever I think of it: I am so triggered at the moment and so I really appreciate you signposting me there as I will speak to them x

Op you haven’t killed anyone. Some perspective is really needed here. You were trying to save yourself. You had no time to think. You had no one to call.

If you knew how many proper drink drivers that were out there that drove just for convenience and have caused accidents and causalities. They are not berating themselves half as much as you. Or even at all.

Kindly: you really need to get a grip. I know it's hard but what's ruining your life is your obsession with something minor that happened 30 years ago, not the event itself.

I wouldn't even class what you did as wrong or a mistake, it was an understandable reaction to being scared of a man. If it was my daughter I wouldn't even mention it, I'd just be glad she was safe. But then I love and cherish my daughter and have a reasonably normal relationship with her. How would you react if it was your daughter? Probably the same as me I guess, could you show yourself the same compassion.

To me it seems that your family used this incident as an excuse to bully you even further. You had already been taught by them that you were flawed in some way hence you turning yourself in and the paralysising guilt. Did you feel that this incident in some way confirmed their view of you to be true?

You have internalised the way your family behaved towards you, and you view(ed) yourself the same way they viewed you. Their behaviour towards you was not based on anything you did but on their own fucked up reasons. Could you try to unpick how they made you feel about yourself with your adult eyes and start to challenge it?

Also are you expecting your daughter to react the same way to your conviction as your family? She won't because she loves you.

I have my doubts about this tale of woe
A drink / driving conviction is spent after 5 years and WILL NOT SHOW UP ON ANY DATA BASE CHECK. 🤷‍♀️

So, 30 years ago you drove when over the limit. Reached your destination without incident but decided to report yourself to the police who believed you despite not witnessing the fact you’d driven.

I’m a magistrate, and whilst I wasn’t one 30 years ago, a 16 month driving ban seems excessive especially as you had aggravating or mitigating factors and presumably it was your first offence.

You’re still beating yourself up over it, decades later.

If this is true, you definitely could do with therapy.

The reason your kids are 'absolute gems' is because you are OP.

Your family are appalling people. Genuinely. How can they treat you the way they have? Self righteous wankers!

OP you really need to get a grip, no one, and I mean NO ONE is going to care about this. Let it go. Your daughter will not be ashamed or angry at you if she is a normal person.

Tell your friends about it first. I bet some of them have got some way worse stories to tell, which will make you feel better. I'll start. My mum used to take us down the pub on a Sunday afternoon, get so drunk she couldn't walk in a straight line, and then drive home with us children in the car, EVERY SUNDAY. Not out of fear, or need, like you did, but out of convenience. I'm appalled about that specific behaviour when I look back, but I still have a good relationship with her, and still love her. It never even crossed my mind to stop talking to her. She comes to stay with us during every school holiday. Her grandchildren adore her.

Your family were horrible and abusive. I really think you need counselling to work through your horrible family and how badly they made you feel, because this amount of agonising is not normal or warranted. No one else would dwell on that action for this amount of time. They'd let it go. You should too.

This is utterly bonkers - from calling the police on yourself to your family's response to your bizarre self-flagellation 30 years later. Please get some really good therapy OP.

People really don’t understand how you carry the shame and guilt with you your whole life. I felt like a fraud by not telling people - and when I did, great great shame. Some convictions for relatively minor things were never spent and always needed to be declared. The change in law in 2021 has made a huge difference to people like me, but up until then I had to declare the mistakes I made over 20 years ago, when I was a totally different person. I haven’t committed an offence since.
That’s why the charity ‘unlocked’ exist and do such brilliant work.

Maybe it's all untrue. No one gets that driving ban for what she did.