Pre Proceedings Case.

[Anonymous1996R]

Hey. Please no judgement. I am currently going through pre proceedings with my daughter due to historic domestic violence and mental health issue which unfortunately resulted in me losing custody of my 8 year old son and him going to live with my sister in 2020. I’ve recently had my daughter and she is in my care however we are in pre proceedings. She’s 10 weeks and there has been nothing but praise and no concerns what so ever. I have done a lot of councelling and work on domestic violence through out my pregnancy. Anyway, I have a hair strand test next week and I know it’s going to come back positive for THC. I smoke 1 to 2 spliffs a night which I feel helps me with me anxiety and helps me get to sleep as I do still suffer with my mental health and PTSD. Will my daughter be taken away from me? I don’t drink or do anything else and it does not in any way effect my care for her but I’m just very scared that I will lose my daughter. Again please no judgement and thank you in advance xx

You are not breaking the cycle whilst you continue to use cannabis. What services are you under for your OCD and ADHD? What treatment are you receiving? You need to show insight into your struggles and how you will manage them.

Parents without your background wouldn’t have their children removed for social cannabis use but you are in a completely different situation and will be judged far more harshly. You can try protest but it isn’t going to get you anywhere.

Actions speak louder than words - engage with services and use them to help get you on track without illegal drugs.

I absolutely agree with everything you are saying. I had a hair strand test when I was pregnant and that showed a massive decrease in use. The one coming up is to see if I have maintained that, decreased more which I have or I’m abstinence but I have had that little one or two at night purely to try and help me wind down and stop my thoughts going 10 to the mile every single second but I 1000% chose having my daughter with her mum where she belongs safe than having a smoke at bed time no questions asked. Social services have done nothing but praise me since she’s been born and in my pregnancy for my engagement and doing everything asked of me. I just need to get over this one last hurdle and prove I can stay free of cannabis forever x

So you continued to use drugs whilst pregnant? That in itself should be a cause for concern and show that you choose drugs over your daughters health

I think you have accidentally posted on the wrong thread hun x

I am on 200mg of sertraline a day for my mental health and OCD and I also take medication for my ADHD. Cannabis I used to self medicate to help me relax at the end of the day which isn’t the answer. My social worker said I will have to be refereed back to turning point if I do come up positive for cannabis which I’m happy to do as I am still struggling to give it up completely despite the massive decrease in use x

Did they list what their concerns were

Do you think your mental health issues and past has effected or is actively effecting your daughter

I was very honest with professionals that I have smoked cannabis since I was 11/12 years old and I managed to quit completely by the time I was 30 weeks which I was advised by my midwife that it’s better to cut down gradually then to try go cold turkey as the withdrawal effects could be worse and the stress and the lack of sleep that comes from quitting cannabis especially for someone like me that used it mainly to help me be able to knod off at night. I tried going cold turkey and spent those two days in absolute hysterics, couldn’t leave my home because my anxiety was overwhelming and could not sleep at all so the gradual decrease was the best way for me to go about it. I only started again because i needed to sleep and can’t with out it. I used to be prescribed sleeping tablets from the doctors but I wouldn’t take them now anyway as they used to knock me out clean and that’s not an option when I have a baby that’s dependant on me.

My medication keeps me stable. I also wouldn’t express my pain in anyway in front of my daughter. Her mind is pure and innocent and she will not carry the weight of my struggles like my son did which kills me every day that I wasn’t stronger for him. My mindset is completely different. I had my son at 16 and a lot happened in our lives which effected me massively and I didn’t protect him from seeing me broken in every aspect. I was suicidal for a very long time. I’m 28 now and I’ve done councelling I’ve done trauma therapy I’ve learned coping mechanism and I’ve matured and I’m not a selfish young girl anymore. It’s purely just the cannabis which admittedly I am still struggling with and that’s me being honest it’s always been something I’ve used to help me cope but it’s not the answer x

@Anonymous1996R You say you had counselling?? Can I ask what it was for? I only ask because I think you need to change your thought process and maybe something like CBT/DBT might be beneficial to get you out of the "it's helping me manage", "I function and relax better with it" mind frame.

How do you actually know your better using it when you can't get past withdrawal? Can you say for certain your not confusing withdrawal and temptation cravings with a depressive or other mental illness episode?

Just some of the things you say are pretty parallel to what my DDs dad used to say when he got caught using, to the point where it would start off with "it's a bit of cannabis, it's hardly on the same level as crack" excuses to then pleading the fifth that sense has now been seen and abstinence would happen immediately.

I don't think you will be able to change your useage long term regardless of whats at stake, until you can actually see it's a problem and not a solution, yourself.

The concerns are that I have been in a few violent relationships and they think I’m quite vulnerable to that happening again which I can completely understand but never again would I let a man treat me the way they did and also that my mental health could deteriorate but I do everything to make sure that doesn’t happen and I have coping strategies to help me cope if I start to feel like I’m going back into that place of darkness before that I was in for so many years. I’m what they class as a vulnerable person due to a life time of trauma but I’ve come to terms with all the of the bad things that have happened now and yes I have down days but I don’t stay down and my cannabis use also as I have been honest with them that I have always used that as my coping mechanism from a very young age

This

I had counselling for various reasons. My parents were both hard drug users and I watched my dad die a horrific death when I was 11. My best friend died of leukaemia a year prior and my step dad of 17 years died 6 years ago. Also the violent relationships. So a lot of trauma in a very short amount of time. I have also done CBT. I think where drugs were just normalised to me as a child is why I have always minimised it. I completely agree with you. I know it’s a problem and it’s not the right thing to do and I think me coming on here was a cry out for help in a way but I do agree with everything you say and tomorrow is day 1 of staying off it permanently x

If you were clean at 30 weeks pregnant, what made you start again and how soon after being clean did you give in?

Because if your DD is 10 weeks old then you couldnt of been completely drug free for long and that doesn't show sustainable change. I know you think your daughter may be safe now but you don't know what your drug use did to her before before she was born if like you say the drug use was regular.

What I'm trying to say is I think a drug recovery programme and drug related counselling is what you need because I don't think your going to be able to manage the temptation on your own. Especially if the people around you so far have been happy to turn a blind eye to it. Just I'm not sure how much longer SS will be prepared to do that for if they are already ordering another test and are in the lead up to the court proceedings stage. Ss cant stay involved forever and wont especially when a child under 5 is concerned so you might be running out of time.

Just incase you didn’t know, ADHD is a cognitive disability, and it plays a part in drug use. Someone with ADHD is more likely to be using drugs for a reason. ADHD affects your executive functioning. If you have a lack of dopamine, you need a hit. You are also more likely to make impulsive decisions or decisions you haven’t thought through properly. We also have racing thoughts.
You need to do more to help your ADHD as it’s likely behind a lot of your issues

Hi @Anonymous1996R
If your baby is placed with a foster family, and you found out they smoked cannabis every single night whilst she was in their home, would you complain? Or say, 'that's ok, it's only cannabis, doesn't matter to me.'
If you would feel that wasn't okay for your baby and would tell the social worker or the CIN meeting, then there's your answer.
She's only been alive 70 days and already she smells cannabis on your skin and hair.

@Anonymous1996R

know once I’m over the worst of it I can do it and I know I will do it because my daughter means more to me than cannabis

Then prove it and quit because at the minute it does look like cannabis wins over your
Daughter.

Stop the excuses, stop all the justifications, and quit.
Don't turn to cigarettes either, use a patch and get off smoking completely.

You want to be a role model for your children, and frankly atm a role model you are not.

This shows how out of touch with reality you are. She is not safe, if she is being cared for by an adult who is taking drugs. I hope the system does what is needed to protect this baby, even if you don’t like it.

To be honest I truly think the only way to break this cycle (from reading your history) and stop your daughter following your paths is to hopefully take her away from you- as you are still denying the issues that everyone is pointing out.

It must be night number 2 or something without cannabis- I doubt you'll manage a fortnight with your "it's just cannabis, it can be prescribed, it's legal in some countries" attitude.

Get proper help for anxiety and OCD and ADHD, stop the drug taking. Otherwise do your DD a favour and let someone else give her a good home.

10 week old babies, any baby or child for that matter, don't go to bed and sleep all night so doing it at night is not any different to doing it in the day. Babies and children need your full capacity 24/7.

Resolving and working on what's underneath your need and vulnerabilities is required for long term second order change, anything else is just a temporary plaster.

Sustainable, proper, meaningful change which is what your daughter needs from you to have a healthy happy life and success as an adult.

You don't live in any of those countries though

How was last night without smoking before bed? X

This is such a sad thread.

You can't say in one breath you've learnt coping methods and in the next that you're using cannabis to cope. Your mental health is already putting your daughter at risk, she isn't safe being in the care of someone who is regularly using cannabis. The fact you either can't see this or won't admit it is a very worrying sign. The fact you stopped and then started using again also isn't a good sign. You've minimised and denied and then saying you're going to quit, but still not admitting its an issue or that its putting your daughter at risk. You keep going on about how its a harmless coping strategy. None of that sounds like someone who's committed to stopping. If you are you need to start by admitting at least to yourself that the canabbis is a problem not a solution. If you keep looking at it the way you do even if you get off it you'll go back on again, just like you did a few months ago. You finally quit when you were 30 weeks pregnant and she's 10 weeks now, so you managed what 2-3 months without? It's hardly something to inspire SS to believe you.
You need to be proactive, self refer to turning point if you can, go back to your GP, find a support group, start actively using those coping strategies you've learnt and stop telling yourself this is a harmless coping strategy.