Pre Proceedings Case.

[Anonymous1996R]

Hey. Please no judgement. I am currently going through pre proceedings with my daughter due to historic domestic violence and mental health issue which unfortunately resulted in me losing custody of my 8 year old son and him going to live with my sister in 2020. I’ve recently had my daughter and she is in my care however we are in pre proceedings. She’s 10 weeks and there has been nothing but praise and no concerns what so ever. I have done a lot of councelling and work on domestic violence through out my pregnancy. Anyway, I have a hair strand test next week and I know it’s going to come back positive for THC. I smoke 1 to 2 spliffs a night which I feel helps me with me anxiety and helps me get to sleep as I do still suffer with my mental health and PTSD. Will my daughter be taken away from me? I don’t drink or do anything else and it does not in any way effect my care for her but I’m just very scared that I will lose my daughter. Again please no judgement and thank you in advance xx

If social services are already aware of your drug use then it sounds like they're crossing the I's and crossing the T's with gathering their evidence. I wouldn't see that as a positive.

Whether you or everyone on here thinks your drug use is an issue or not does not matter. What matters is what SS thinks and I doubt they will be happy about it

Everything about my daughter since she has been born has been nothing but positive

this is what you’re in denial about. Smoking drugs when you are in sole care of your daughter, when you know that they are going to drugs test you and if you fail that there’s a chance you could loose custody of her is not a positive.

Pre proceedings is in part preparation work for the LA - should they need to go to court the idea is they have assessments ready to go to avoid delays for the child or children concerned. It is also to make it very very clear to you what the expectations of you are. Is being abstinent from drugs and alcohol stated as an expectation in the initial letter before proceedings?

The hair strand result isn't good. It might be considered that you are working to reduce your cannabis use, have made progress and are working with services to stop and your good care of your child negates the concerns - you smoke outside when DD isn't in your care for example.

Or it might not be enough. 1-2 joints a day is a lot, it is illegal and isn't a positive parenting strategy. Are you taking things seriously enough? You might ask why you are prioritising cannabis when you know you are at risk of being taken to court to have your child removed.

Have you sought help to stop? Have you sought medical treatment for the insomnia and the anxiety? There are legal medicines that will help you with these things without meaning that the sole carer for your DD is high. You need to see your GP and seek help for your mental health and support to work on your addiction. Trying to do this alone is unlikely to be successful. Your daughter only has you, she needs you to deal with this properly in a way that will help you get better mentally, this means seeking help to deal with your truama and your addiction. Your addiction and truama are already hurting your DD, they may mean that she loses her mum, you need to take action and stop minimising what's going on. It's not safe for the person in sole care of a baby or young child to be high and you are lying to yourself saying it is.

@LoquaciousPineapple has said it better than I could.
Kindly OP, there are many stages / plans that could be worked with before pre-proceedings...
early help, child in need, child protection and then if they are still concerned pre-proceedings.

If you are not in a relationship with a partner where DV is currently present - there are other worries the local authority have.
In order to get into pre-proceedings, the local authority needs to have met with legal reps (as should you have?) to ascertain whether there are grounds to go into pre-proceedings - if that is where you are, the local authority are worried and will need to see changes!

I would really work with professionals to see how you can reduce the risk and lower the worries.
It is unusual for pre-proceedings to be taking place solely for cannabis use too. So I am curious around what else you may not be sharing?

Anyone got any experience of claiming compensation for medical negligence, when the 3 year time frame is up? Particularly if the clinician in question has been struck off, following a tribunal?

I’m sorry I don’t think I was very clear. I am in pre proceedings due to losing custody of my son in 2020 for poor mental health and domestic violence so the concerns are that history might repeat itself and I may end up back in that position as I hadn’t engaged with any services after I lost custody of myself. I completely isolated myself from everything and everyone for a good 3 years and was in the darkest place of my entire life. With in this time I tried to take my own life and self harmed to the point I had to have my arms sewn back together. My depression began when I watched best friends die of leukaemia at 10, my dad died when I was 11 years old due to a 20 year addiction to prescription pain killers and alcohol, I then had my son when I was 16 and when he was 5 my step dad of 17 years was told he had less than a year to live, he died 3 months later. Within this time I had been with two violent men so I went through a lot of trauma in a very short period of time. During my pregnancy I worked with fear free, turning point, parenting assessments, baby steps etc. My mental health has been a major cause for concern and regrettably my son witnessed more than he should. I take full responsibility. Young, dumb, selfish
vulnerable, not strong enough you name it but I have completely turned my life around hence why I have custody of my daughter now it’s just the cannabis use that I am worried about. I have thrown the little bit I had left down the toilet and threw away my grinder etc so I’m really going to do everything to stay off it.

This is a reply I haven’t put much thought into. just in case your name begins with R and this is who I think it is; you lost custody of your child because of neglect. Children are supposed to have healthy diets, and you can’t just allow them to eat whatever they want, like ice cream all the time. Even if they have sensory needs or stress. You can’t withdraw food as a punishment either. You also created negative connotations around food. I was over weight due to stress and ignorance. I needed a healthy diet and exercise. Not diet pills. When I was staying with you, you created a hostile environment and issues couldn’t be dealt with in a healthy way. I think there’s been some misunderstandings on your interpretations about what parenting is supposed to be. I know you don’t believe it, but I am autistic by the way and there are so many things I inherently struggle with, and during my stay at your house I shut down, my mind was going blank and I was rocking. There were things that were good about you, but significant things that weren’t. I wish you well anyway

I think you have the wrong person. I have never cared for any one with autism nor have I ever withheld food from someone. My son was well fed, I just failed to protect him by not seeking help to escape my violent relationship. Something I have regretted every single day since.

If you regret it so much, why risk losing the current child?
You're taking drugs- illegal drugs- and requesting "no judgement" like its all good?

Idk why you posted to be honest, just looking people to say "ahhh it's only cannabis, no probs". Stop smoking weed and... problem solved, since that's what you're worried about 🤷‍♀️

Due to your recent update, I think i might understand the LA point of pre proceedings better now.

The work you have completed or atleast begun to start tackling the original concerns the LA had back in 2020 only happened because you fell pregnant again, you didn't do anything in the 3 years between your son being removed and then to show you had changed and were able to sustain it. Their worry will be that it is only because you are back in pre proceedings that you are driven to make these changes, so how can they be sure you will keep your baby safe when they are no longer around to intervene? That is what they are trying to work out if they need a judge to decide that.

Going off your attitude towards drug use and how everything has been positive since your baby has been BORN says that your changes are very new and there are likely areas you still needing to work on that you are either choosing to ignore or excuse.

You lost custody of your son and you are about to lose custody of your daughter. Both are your fault, nobody else's.

Yes you are absolutely right. It’s not that I’m choosing to ignore it because it plays heavily on my mind every minute of the day. I guess it’s not wanting to go through the nightmares and the anxiety and the sleep deprivation that comes with the withdrawals. I know once I’m over the worst of it I can do it and I know I will do it because my daughter means more to me than cannabis. As does my son. I’m just finding it really hard and was looking for a non judgmental space on here to air my concerns x

Oh ok.

I am sorry you went through that though and I’m a safe place of no judgment if you ever need a chat x

Have you ever considered the impact of your situation on your children’s mental health? Children have more needs than just being fed and watered.

Absolutely! I think about my childrens well being and mental health more than my own and that’s what kills me the most knowing the pain I’ve caused my son by having him took away from his mum. I failed my son by not being strong enough or brave enough to leave my abusive ex. I won’t fail my daughter and by some of these comments it’s given me the kick up the arse I needed to pack in the cannabis

No thanks, you have enough of your own issues and I dont feel you’re in a place to take on anyone else’s. I thought you were someone else as the story was very similar.
I don’t believe your child is safe with you. I know you feel defensive about that because you’re doing everything you can, and you might not want to face it.
If your daughter is removed, know that it’s because it’s the best option for her. You may not be in a place to support your daughter, and I’m sorry about the situation you’re in.
social services do withhold information in my experience personally, it’s likely they do have concerns they’ve not told you about. Ironically, they do this to keep the child safe.
I have PTSD due to the impact my own parents mental health had on me, so I’m prejudiced in a way. There may be a number of things you are overlooking that you aren’t in a place to see right now.
Look after yourself and let us know how things go

Do you know why cannabis is illegal?

I do yes, I also know why it is legal in other countries.

This isn’t from a place of judgement but from an individual with experience of care proceedings and you aren’t in the right mindset to put your child first. Stopping cannabis should have been a non negotiable from the second you fell pregnant and then never restarted - at this point you should have been engaging with a perinatal service for help with the struggles you experience as a result of your previous trauma. They would have given appropriate medication to help with anxiety and sleep. They would also provide in depth parenting support and be able to defend you in care proceedings if you were parenting appropriately. All your initial posts minimise the effect of cannabis exposure to your infant and liken it to legal cbd when they are not alike.

Even when speaking of your son, you speak of the pain he experienced by being removed from you but fail to acknowledge the pain he will have also have experienced in your care when you didn’t protect him from your abusive partner.

SS will have an extremely low threshold for removal based on your past and you are giving them a ticket with your current drug use and lack of insight into the harm it is causing.

Children born to mothers with untreated mental health conditions and/or dependency are far more likely to experience similar issues themselves as they grow. The cycle needs to be broken

I’m sorry but you are wrong in saying my daughter is not safe with me. She is very safe with me. I would never do anything to bring her harm and if I felt my cannabis use effected me in a negative way I would of quit years ago. I’ve always felt it’s helped me. My social worker has also told me they usually don’t crucify parents for smoking cannabis. The concern with me is that I have mental health issues as well. But I’ve thrown everything away and tomorrow is a new day to start fresh and not have that spliff at bed time

Trust me I acknowledge the pain he went through . I live with the regret every single day. He deserved more and I should of been stronger. No one can tell me anything that I have no already told myself. I’ve learned from my mistakes and my daughter will never go through what I did as a child and my son did and with her I am breaking the cycle. The one area I’m struggling with is not smoking a spliff or 2 at night time to help me relax. I also have ADHD and OCD my mind never switches off but cannabis just helped me relax somewhat.

I understand that truly i do but not everyone will because they may not of been in your shoes or mine. I know first hand that being a mother who has had their child removed is so stigmatising and regardless of how you are as a person or how much you overcome, that will always be the first thing that people judge you for. It's up to you if that's how you want to be defined as forever but it is clear that you have been given an opportunity to prove yourself, otherwise you wouldn't of been aloud to leave the hospital with your daughter. Do you really want to throw that all away for some cannabis? Because I know for sure I'd rather survive on 3 hours sleep a night and be by my daughters side than the alternative.

Feel free to reach out if you do want someone to talk to though.