Pre Proceedings Case.

[Anonymous1996R]

Hey. Please no judgement. I am currently going through pre proceedings with my daughter due to historic domestic violence and mental health issue which unfortunately resulted in me losing custody of my 8 year old son and him going to live with my sister in 2020. I’ve recently had my daughter and she is in my care however we are in pre proceedings. She’s 10 weeks and there has been nothing but praise and no concerns what so ever. I have done a lot of councelling and work on domestic violence through out my pregnancy. Anyway, I have a hair strand test next week and I know it’s going to come back positive for THC. I smoke 1 to 2 spliffs a night which I feel helps me with me anxiety and helps me get to sleep as I do still suffer with my mental health and PTSD. Will my daughter be taken away from me? I don’t drink or do anything else and it does not in any way effect my care for her but I’m just very scared that I will lose my daughter. Again please no judgement and thank you in advance xx

It took me a while to stop completely when pregnant which I didn’t think I would struggle with. My midwife told me it’s better to cut down gradually than go cold turkey as it could have a massive effect on my mental health which would cause the baby more harm. I really want to stop it’s just so hard and every time I have I’ve gone into a pit of depression

I would say, it’s unlikely that smoking cannabis alone will meet the threshold for issuing care proceedings and even less likely that a judge will agree to separation on those grounds. There would be a lot of children in care if that was the grounds!

I would suggest referring yourself to a drugs service and working around legal ways to manage your anxiety and mental health. No BS, look after your kid and listen to the professionals. Also, be honest about your use as it currently stands

Will your sister be able to take your baby as well?
You need to be formulating a plan now.

You are in total denial. You aren't giving your daughter your 100% care and commitment. Seek help and stop.

So you didn't stop? I'm stepping away now. Read @OurChristmasMiracle 's post. Then read it again.

Thank you for this reply and I appreciate the no judgment. I worked with Turning Point but unfortunately went back to it when I couldn’t switch of at night or could feel a panic attack coming on. I know it’s no excuse. Do you think my daughter will be taken off me? I am so scared 😔

Poor mental health is in no way worse for your baby then smoking £30 of drugs a day.

You are in denial and you have exceedingly poor insight and that will be what is concerning social services.

Get onto some good contraception, refer yourself to a drug support service, and make a plan around how to remain in your kids' lives as I expect your daughter will very sadly be leaving your care too. If you have any preferences about where she goes, I'd start being really clear about that now.

I've name changed for obvious reasons but I'm taking from experience here...

I had a DC removed from my care and adopted outside of the family when I was 23 due to a highly DV relationship. I escaped because of one final attack where he spent 16 months in prison due to attacking me so bad I ended up with a bleed on my brain. Upon years of refelection i realised and accepted that my son wasn't removed just because his dad abused me, i couldn't keep him safe when I couldn't even keep myself safe. So it's sad that you still think you lost your son because your ex wouldn't let you leave. Many women are in refuges with their children fleeing abuse, it's not an automatic criteria for removal.

I am now 27 and have a 15week old DD, I am a lone parent and have sole custody. Ss are involved until January (due to my history). Ive had a high level of engagement support and CIN meetings but at no point have I had to go to court this time because I have proved beyond doubt that my current DC is safe and there is no concern. Her dad on the other hand is only allowed supervised contact, one reason for that is his cannabis use.

I may be wrong but it comes across to me that you are minimising a lot of things here, not only your drug use but the reason your son was removed and why your still in court proceedings now. I've never known SS or a Court to think highly to any parent who misuses drugs, especially when your main concern is that it's a crutch to help you sleep rather than how your baby needs to be cared for by their dad because your stoned.

The biggest question here is what’s more important to you - the drugs or your daughter?

Thank you for your reply. I’m on 200mg of sertraline a day which helps with my depression but the anxiety never goes away hence why I use the cannabis which is no excuse. CBD vapes with THC in are legal and used for that reason also but that would just be replacing one thing with another?

I'm so sorry you have had such a terrible time of things OP. I have also suffered from OCD and it's a horrible illness.

Bottom line is, as much as you think your daughter is safe, you can't safely care for a baby under the influence of drugs. Self medicating with spliffs is not an option for you if you want to keep your daughter, so you need to be seen to be doing everything you can to quit drugs and manage your symptoms in legal ways. Come clean and ask for help, for the drugs, OCD, everything. What treatments are you currently receiving for your anxiety/OCD?

@Anonymous1996R as @StarryNightDelight has said they need you to have true reflection and you to take accountability for your part in that and you need to be able to evidence that you will not repeat your previous mistakes

well done @StarryNightDelight i know the journey is hard and you should be so proud of yourself. Congratulations on your daughter and I wish you all the best

Forgot to add, you know there is a link between regular cannabis use and mental health issues, what you think is helping you could be making things much worse.

I am not in anyway blaming anyone other than myself for the reason I lost my son. I take full responsibility but the manipulation from my ex and abuse made me keep going back and I don’t even know why apart from pure fear I guess. Also, cannabis doesn’t make me lazy. If anything it motivates me, makes me want to be more active. I maintain a beautifully clean home my daughter has everything and more and never goes without and I love her more than anything. I know it seems like I’m making excuses. I’m going to try CBD and stop the cannabis smoking all together as I can’t go through the pain of losing custody of my daughter.

Also may I just add, that it's quite obvious you aren't being honest about your current drug user to ss considering your scared of what will happen when it shows up on a hair strand test! If SS already knew then you'd have no reason to worry because they would be expecting that to show up anyways. Lies always get found out where SS are concerned.

I'm sorry to be harsh but it baffles me how anyone can go through the pain of losing a child once will then try and play the system to make sure they cover up better next time, instead of actually changing and doing everything you can to keep your child. I miss my son every day but no way would i ever willingly make myself feel that pain again. The only person your damaging here is your child but aslong as you can sleep okay at night that is all that should matter right?! 🤨

You can get pure CBD (lab tested) as an oil or a gummy from sustainably grown sources, all certified free from THC.

I can't speculate on how they will view your case, but the best thing you can do is come up with a plan of how you will reduce and stop your drug use (CBD is not the answer). SS will be happiest with a plan that involves using outside support and some ways of showing success and accountability. Think about what service you might want to engage with, and get started. No reason to delay, every reason to get started on that path.

I know you feel the cannibis helps, but it's actually quite likely to be causing the anxiety (speaking as an old user with anxiety, this was definitely the case with me). Of course the withdrawal period doesn't make it feel that way, but once you're off properly I wouldn't mind betting half of the anxiety goes too and you're left with a much more manageable amount to deal with. I say this as a bit of a reason for hope as you will be able to cope without it much better than you think you will in the long term :)

Thank you for your reply and the no judgment. I’ve never managed to get out of the withdrawal stage without going back to it and then it’s a vicious cycle. I’ve smoked it since I was 11 years old so I’ve never really known life without it or using it to cope with and it’s always been normalised for me. I will seek help and try my hardest to quit. Thank you so much ❤️

I get it. It's hard to quit right? But after the initial withdrawals go it's a breeze. It's getting past the first few weeks without it that's tough going but after that you'll look back and wonder wtf you smoked it for so long.

Good luck with it and your dd.

Thank you. It’s very hard but I know I have to do it. Just need to go over the withdrawal period and try and not lose the plot in the mean time 🤦🏼‍♀️ Thank you for being so kind xx

You're very welcome 😊 I know how hard it can be to let go of but the benefits outweigh the risks of losing dd.

You are in denial about your situation if you think "everything has been really positive" yet you are in pre-proceedings.

Social services had the power to do further investigations due to your previous history and then say "we're satisfied that OP has changed her life, things are better and with family support and early help OP can cope well". But they didn't do this. Drug testing is expensive and the LA doesn't bother doing it unless they want evidence to back up their viewpoint that you are a serious risk to your child. Social services have hundreds of parents on their books who regularly take drugs, and they aren’t drug testing all of them or putting them into pre-proceedings. So you need to face facts that they did this for you for a reason, because they think you are a major risk

Pre-proceedings are not a formality that everyone goes through due to previous history. Pre-proceedings are a last chance for parents to get their act together and avoid Child Protection planning or having their child taken into care. They mean that social services still believe you are a risk to your child and they need to see you take serious action to rectify this.

@LoquaciousPineapple - this is exactly what I was alluding to in a much less clear way!

Absolutely this.

You’re already at your last chance, and your drug use could absolutely be enough to lose everything if you keep telling yourself it’s “just a little crutch”.

I am in pre proceedings because of the history with my son. Everything about my daughter since she has been born has been nothing but positive and there have been no concerns of my care for her. Social services are aware that I’m a cannabis smoker and I have reduced my use drastically but like any human we all have our downfalls. Mine unfortunately is that I smoke a bit of cannabis. I just wanted some advise as obviously I know it’s best that I quit and that is what I’m going to do from this moment forward as of course my daughter comes first. I hold my hands up to all my mistakes and I’m not blind to them nor in denial. I live every day with so much pain in my heart and it has always been a coping mechanism of mine but I’m going to do everything in my power to stay off it. Even if that means just smoking a roll up or two (I don’t smoke cigarettes) and at least I will still have the nicotine and then I can focus on quitting nicotine aswell