Exes solicitor sent letter to not contact him again

[Iamunhinged]

Long story short he ghosted me after being together some years. He also blocked me on social media and phone etc.

I sent him a registered letter just asking him what went wrong, he sent a letter back and then a week later I get this. I have no way of contacting him anyway and reading his letter I have no wish to but what do you do when you receive something like this? Do I respond to the solicitor? Do I ignore it? Its basically said not to contact him and not to contact his friends. I was actually friends with one of his friends and we only ever chatted about meeting up so I find that odd but I wont contact her again just in case.

Seems a very extreme thing to do and I dont know what the cost of the letter was (he is northern ireland and I am down south so it would be different) and I have no idea of any of this legal stuff.

There is no backstory, there is no huge thing I am omitting it really is as says above. Any advice?

Legally you can contact who the hell you like. He doesn’t have a restraining order against you and wouldn’t get one on the basis of you sending one letter after he up-ended yours and your DC’s lives. You can’t harass people but there’s no suggestion you’ve ever done this. You can definitely contact his friend but tbh I’d keep clear of both of them.
i agree with pp who says he’s done this before. He sounds like he has a personality disorder. It’s psychopathically cold to do that to someone. He has zero empathy.

Why do you think he was frightened rather than irritated/angry? He has given her an explanation to shut her up, to stop her saying 'but why' and keeping writing asking for answers so he has slammed the door behind her with a solicitor's letter.

We have only one side of this story and don't know why he chose to end things so abruptly. We also don't know what she wrote to him. She may have given off all sorts of vibes that she wasn't going to let it lie without an answer and the quickest way for him to achieve that was by giving some sort of explanation.

For whatever reason, this man feels the need to protect himself from her, but it isn't necessarily out of fear.

His letter stated that after the big argument he reevaluated our relationship and decided it was not for him. Thing is that argument happened months before any of this. After the argument we had been on nights out, on holiday all the normal stuff. But apparently even the night before he blocked me when we were out for dinner, home in his place on the couch watching a movie and drinking wine and the following day all normal, coffee and tv and chats in bed cos we didnt have the kids and I thought all was good, somehow he was just over it all. Thats it. Was not for him anymore even when I drove him to collect his car, gave him our usual hugs and kisses like we have done for years. Then I get in my car, drive home and then the next time I check my phone he is gone.

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie very true you do only have my side. My letter pretty much consisted of asking if he was ok. Was he going through something, what did I do that caused this. I told him how much he meant to me, how much our blended family meant to me. I told him that of course I still had all of our pictures and memories on my phone and in my home and that I still thought he was the most gorgeous and amazing person. I told him I just wanted to know what happened. We were best friends and then... we were nothing. Of course you can only hear my side, hell I have only got my side as he just walked away. From me, the family we had blended etc. I dont think I harassed him by asking why he gave all of this up with no reason.

Wow, he sounds very cold and calculating to be able to keep up appearances like that and then to just walk away with no thought. How bad was the argument? I can’t imagine doing that.

It was bad. I admit it was all my fault. There was no violence, no verbal abuse, no cheating. I got very very VERY drunk and made an idiot of myself basically and he was embarassed as he does not like attention brought on himself so that is why him going to a solicitor is totally out of character for him. We had gotten past this I thought. Talked about it. He said he was willing to let it go. Clearly it triggered something in him. I get that and accept it but out of nowhere this letter from a solicitor.

Will put scary registered post in with never answering the door and other weird MN things.
It seems perfectly reasonable and non-confrontational to send a letter to seek closure rather than turn up at his house. Registered seems sensible so your sure it's been ignored rather than wondering whether they received it.

Apart from being really cruel to cut off a long term partner in that way, your more likely to try seek contact for an explanation than if they'd emailed letter to break up then blocked if avoidant of a grown up conversation. I wonder if he realised he messed up with this and as he fears embarrassment of you turning up making a show or telling his friends so has come down heavy with the solicitors letter to scare you off further contact.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet as they aren't the person you thought they were to behave in such a cold way. Do you think he played along to enjoy the holiday with the kids as nothing happened and all normal parting company?

He sounds like a control freak. While I’m not a fan of drunken displays I’d not do this to my DP if he made a drunken fool of himself. I’d talk to him about it and say I didn’t want it to happen again. Not pretend all was fine and then disappear.

I hate this “no one owes anyone an explanation for x y z”

no but it’s the half decent bloody thing to do

@Cheerydi I thought I did the best thing just sending the letter instead of turning up but sure I dont know anymore. It does make you feel really like you have lost your mind. I am in no way perfect, I am human we make mistakes but I would always be honest and open with someone. I have been absolutely heartbroken over this do not get me wrong and I am trying to heal, I just wanted an explanation really. I got one, not a great one but I got one. Ok its hurt so I decided to finally ring my friends and we have this coming weekend organised to chat etc but this legal letter just seems so odd. Not necessary at all. I would never do anything that would upset his kids so I would never just turn up or anything. I just never even got to say goodbye to the kids which hurts too.

I'm a little confused by the blended family description since I thought the two of you lived on separate ends of Ireland. But that's neither here nor there at this point.

His behavior - brushing a big argument under the rug until he made a decision, then suddenly breaking it off with no discussion or explanation and blocking you - is entirely consistent with someone who is extremely averse to emotionally charged situations and conflict. Once he had decided he was done, that was the end of the story in his mind. He's a self-centered, emotion-intolerant coward for doing it that way since it shows a clear disregard for you as an equal person in the relationship, but the solicitor's letter is actually very consistent with that perspective. He probably felt he was being very kind & generous by sending you the letter with an explanation first, but his priority is ensuring a clean break on his end.

Of course you're hurt and sad and bewildered. But the solicitor's letter is ultimately irrelevant since you weren't going to contact him anyways. Don't acknowledge it, just turn your energy to processing your own feelings and moving on. I suspect that once you get over the shock, you'll start putting this into perspective and realize that he was never fully invested in the relationship on a deeper emotional level and wasn't willing to embrace the tougher, messier aspects of a true partnership.

FWIW, my attorney friend occasionally drafts simple letters for me in exchange for me buying her a drink at our next night out. It takes her about 5 minutes from a template. So I wouldn't get hung up on the expense or investment of it.

I don't think he's into you. Just move on...

She did? Did you miss the part where she arranged an outing with her friends? The part that's knocked her off is the solicitors letter

I can't believe what a hard time you got at the beginning of this thread. Of course you're entitled to know why someone you'd been with for years, and whose children were close to your children, had ghosted you all of a sudden. And the letter you sent was important to you and you wanted to make sure it got there so registering it was a perfectly logical thing to do. I think you sound lovely and completely rational whereas he sounds very strange - being completely normal with you one minute and blocking you the next with no explanation and then sending a solicitor's letter. Please don't let your happiness depend on someone else - it sounds like you've got good friends and family and you live in a great country so get back out there and enjoy all those blessings.

Meant with best intentions and yes, it’s a leap - but could he think you possibly have an issue with alcohol OP? And maybe that’s what he’s walking away from?

If he saw you acting unpredictably it may have unnerved him to the point that he needed to take this seemingly extreme step. I think if he had childhood history it might explain it.

To be clear, I’ve had more one-too-many situations than I care to remember and I don’t have an issue with alcohol so I’m not assuming that you do!

OR - he’s back with an ex and she’s driven this out of insecurity. That was my first thought, until you shared about the cause of the row.

Honestly, the first lot of replies on here are mad.

It's a totally dick move to ghost someone with no explanation after years or relationship.

I am staggered by all those posters suggesting he is right to do that and that you transgressed some massive moral boundary by sending a letter.

You didn't.

Does he still have a key to your house, and you to his? The only reason I might reply to the solicitor would be to return his key and request that he sends yours back, and maybe state that you have no intention of contacting him again.

I was ghosted 20+ years ago - I’d been to visit the person I’d been seeing for a couple of years for a weekend, we had slept together and he dropped me at the station in the morning. I sent him a text when I got home, then a postcard a couple of days later, but I never heard from him again - I remember when I realised I wasn’t going to. Looking back it wasn’t the healthiest of relationships, but I was livid. I did accidentally text him a few months later, just a mash of random letters and numbers (remember when old phones didn’t lock easily?), and he sent me a few replies, but I ignored them all and deleted his number. He also sent me a Christmas card that year, which I also ignored.

I'd actually respond to the solicitor and ask sone more questions.

Ie about your Mutual friend for example.

Just up cost him more money. And clearly he can't tell you not to speak to people you know. Well he can tell you but you don't have to take any notice.

I'd obviously not contact him again.

So painful and hard to get closure with this nasty third party letter. Hugs OP. So sorry you're going through this.

It's a bit weird of you to criticise my post asking if he has a big ego and then say he sounds arrogant when that was my point! Big ego leading him to assume she's going to go all bunny boiler because he's so amazing.

I'm so sorry, that must have been awful for you, the panic you must have felt when you realised he'd blocked you.

A complete coward and not worth any more of your time. I would have perhaps done the same with the registered letter just to know he was OK.

Ignore the letter. It's him that cones across as a psycho.

@Iamunhinged I agree with this but I also think you could call the solicitor and just check it is genuine. If they say anything you could say you had no intention of getting in touch having received an answer to your letter anyway. It’s weird to be ghosted like that - what a coward. If he had been honest directly to you none of this need have happened. Hope you’re ok.

Exactly this!

I can’t believe the number of people giving the Op a hard time for sending a letter in view of these exact circumstances. If anything it was very measured.

I suspect something has spooked him. That, or he wants to unnerve you with this totally OTT gesture. They say how a person exits a relationship tells you a great deal about them. This guy is awful and you would do well to steer clear of him, however much it hurts. You sound levelheaded enough to not need reminding to leave him alone as other posters have felt the need to mention (why?!) and I think your silence on the matter will say it all.

I’m sorry he turned on you so cruelly. There really is no excuse.

Totally shit behaviour to end a relationship by ghosting someone. It's perfectly reasonable to expect an explanation.

I hand delivered a letter to the man I'd loved for 4 years. He ended it abruptly, in front of all his friends and I was so shocked I just went home. Admittedly, this was in the days before ghosting was a thing but still... This is the same situation. Not unreasonable to expect confirmation of delivery.
I deserved an explanation. As does OP.
I would WRITE to the solicitor to confirm that I'd received letter and would not be contacting ex again as per his request. I would also ask for confirmation of receipt. If your ex is cheap this will irk him.
ALSO, as my lovely Nanna said: if he's cheap with his cash he's cheap with his love. So true. You're best rid.