TRIGGER (child abuse) To consider reporting ex to police over something DD (5) just said

[User11223344]

Well not consider, but to report him - as I feel I have to absolutely.

I don’t want go into unnecessary detail but currently sobbing, frozen in tears unable to function as to what to do next.

My DD said something to me at bedtime that I really need to report. She said it in a jokey way but it was about something her dad (who has her two nights a week) said about his willy that was not ok and I can’t write here, also that he was always touching it and wobbling it etc (he’s always done this). I believe he is emotionally abusive but I never ever thought I would need to worry about this. What has really tipped me over the edge is that earlier in the week he’d asked if he should still be letting her sleep in his bed or would it “come back to bite him in the arse”. I questioned him about what he meant, and ended up being stupidly blase over it (I know a lot of kids who get into their dad’s beds and my mind didn’t even go there).

My question is, do I report to school or the police? Can I talk to school and they report it? What is best, as he will go ballistic and I’m in a precarious situation legally and financially (all maintenance and house and bills are paid by him but no court order) - separate issue, and not my main focus just now.

Also, what happens next? What if they find he’s innocent? What if he’s not?

DD safe with me and I’m not letting her out if my sight.

Please no hate. I only care about protecting DD and am in absolute shock

Ring social services and report in the morning

I'd be massively concerned about it - no wonder you're upset. My best friend went through something similar with her child and it spiralled. He daughter had years of therapy and support to overcome the emotional turmoil she went through as she got older. Yes, you rely on him financially, but if there's any sign of abuse you have to report it. Sending big hugs - it's a terrible situation to be in xx

@CountryMumof4 thank you. Can I ask if your friend reported early and the abuse went on? I’m worried about that, but have no choice. Also, he’s the last person I’d ever be concerned about so the shock and disbelief is intense x

I am sorry OP, but your DD's words are very concerning.

The language and descriptions she used are sexualised. You must protect your DD.

Please call Social Services tomorrow and report this. If your child is of school age, speak to the teachers in the morning and ask them to speak to her in private to see if she opens up

What you must not do is ignore this.

Stay strong

Report to SS yes. Sounds like someone trained needs to have a chat with her.

Do not ask her leading questions.

This. Social services are trained in how to handle this.
I bet you are reeling from this disturbing information.
God I hope it isn't what you're thinking but your daughter is your priority.

I agree. Do not ask leading questions, but do not ask the school to chat with her; it needs SS involvement at this stage.

Write down exactly what your daughter said, in her words, so you don't forget or change words by thinking about it a lot. Write down the conversation you had with your ex word for word, as far as you can. In the morning ring social services.

The NSPCC website has some good advice on what to do if a child talks about abuse.

It's really normal to have those thoughts about how he'll react and your financial position - don't feel guilty about it.

If you have someone in real life you can talk to about it, that's good. If not, the shout helpline offers a text service, or the samaritans do email and phone - it's good to get things out of your head.

Try not to think too much about what has happened or what might happen. You don't know and it's really easy to catastrophise - but not helpful. You sound like you are doing a good job of looking after your little girl and thinking about how to keep her safe. Make sure you are looking after yourself as well.

(We don't know what language and descriptions she used, the OP summarised it in her own words)

Everyone, thank you. I immediately wrote it down as knew the shock would make me forget. What I’m not saying is really concerning. I’d already asked the teacher to ask her subtly if she was ok as she was so disregulated this week. She came back from his house all well behaved then gradually got angry at me. I’m wondering if he’s said something. She tells me everything but can be bribed with toys and sweets. Am sick to my stomach.

Could I ask the school safeguarding team to report it?

Contact NSPCC in the morning for advice. She’s safe with you now, she’s safe at school. Obviously don’t let her go back to him until you are sure that she is safe to. You will need to get external help to assess that. Call in the morning

You can tell the DSL at school if you feel it's too much for you to go to the police or social services first. They will definitely report it.

You can speak to the school tomorrow who will support you, possibly make the referral with you.
So sorry this has happened.

Don't send her to her Dad's until you have spoken to SS, tell him she is ill or find an excuse. That way you are protecting her.

You need to keep your DD safe. Contact SS tomorrow and tell them word for word what your DD said to you. Tell them when she is next scheduled to stay with him and that she sleeps in the same bed as her. Tell them you don't feel comfortable sending her back to stay with her Dad. I'd not allow her to go back until SS had spoken with DD. I'd be asking them to speak with DD.

She reported it and got a court order to stop proper contact in the end. Her daughter was SEN, which made it even harder to deal with. They allowed two hours of supervised contact per fortnight ultimately, but this dwindled pretty quickly. They're both in a much better place now. Completely understandable to be in shock - it's a terrible situation to be in xx

Could I ask the school safeguarding team to report it?

Yes, like @NeverDropYourMooncup says, you can ask to speak to a designated safeguarding lead at your DD's school. Technically you can tell any member of staff and they must report it but in reality it's best to speak to a DSL.

So so many threads on here lately about (possible??) child sexual abuse. It's absolutely horrifying.

I don't know what the answer is.

Hope you get some reassurance from SS

Thank you. I will go via school today.

He’s a horrible narcissist and no doubt will say I’m making it up etc. When he calls me terrible names and I say it’s abuse, he says I’m utterly disgusting to say the “abuse” word. I guess this is how it plays out - perhaps he thinks I’m too scared to say anything?! No way.

Spoke to two friends last night, one thinks he was probably just being the weird incompetent idiot that he is but we all agree it’s my duty to report and protect her. I couldn’t possibly hand over if to him in any case. It’s just absolutely awful

Absolutely do not ask teachers to speak to your dd about this. Social Services will have specialist trained staff to interview her and know what they're doing.

has he been being a gross bloke and had his hand down his pants itching his balls like they all do and she’s picked up on it?

still, please contact social services, it’s better to be wrong and of gone in ‘all guns blazing’ rather than right and not have done anything. trust your gut.

Why is he paying for your housing and all your bills? You need to get out from under him. Is there any family you can move in with? You need to make sure you’re safe, and I’m not sure you will be safe after reporting him if he is financially supporting you completely. Can you get out and live somewhere else? Where he can’t run up debt and leave you without because he stops paying?

Given that one of your friends thinks he might have just been an incompetent idiot, then what your daughter said must be open to interpretation. It’s important someone trained in this speaks to her. It could be as simple as him sleeping naked/having private time and your daughter running into the room and climbing into bed with him. Report it but keep yourself calm, as it might not be the awful thing you’re imagining. Just get the facts, through a professional and find yourself somewhere more secure to live which he isn’t paying for.

Have reported and they are sending someone to school to talk to DD. After a strategy meeting.

I am petrified

Sending you massive hugs, OP. Well done for standing up for your girl x