TRIGGER (child abuse) To consider reporting ex to police over something DD (5) just said

[User11223344]

Well not consider, but to report him - as I feel I have to absolutely.

I don’t want go into unnecessary detail but currently sobbing, frozen in tears unable to function as to what to do next.

My DD said something to me at bedtime that I really need to report. She said it in a jokey way but it was about something her dad (who has her two nights a week) said about his willy that was not ok and I can’t write here, also that he was always touching it and wobbling it etc (he’s always done this). I believe he is emotionally abusive but I never ever thought I would need to worry about this. What has really tipped me over the edge is that earlier in the week he’d asked if he should still be letting her sleep in his bed or would it “come back to bite him in the arse”. I questioned him about what he meant, and ended up being stupidly blase over it (I know a lot of kids who get into their dad’s beds and my mind didn’t even go there).

My question is, do I report to school or the police? Can I talk to school and they report it? What is best, as he will go ballistic and I’m in a precarious situation legally and financially (all maintenance and house and bills are paid by him but no court order) - separate issue, and not my main focus just now.

Also, what happens next? What if they find he’s innocent? What if he’s not?

DD safe with me and I’m not letting her out if my sight.

Please no hate. I only care about protecting DD and am in absolute shock

You’ve done the right thing. You have to be sure your child is safe. Well done

Ok. A strat means first line sw team mgr feels this is serious enough to share with school; health and police to gather more intel rapidly before SW visits today. They are listening to you OP and are worried.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP

You are doing the absolute best thing for your little DD and hats off to you. Be strong and brave and get ANGRY not scared. You can do this.

You and DD will be fine, you have each other 😊

OP just wanted to send you a hand hold. You've done the right thing.

Take advice from school and any safeguarding professionals involved.

I'd also suggest getting support for yourself from women's aid.

Sending love ❤️

Thank goodness you are on your daughter’s side.

You have absolutely done the right thing.
Children's Services have trained and experienced social workers to talk to your child and gain information sensitively.
Don't be worried about the professionals meeting, as you are clearly a protective mother and have acted immediately, just as you should.
If there is anything to worry about, they will work in partnership with you to protect your daughter.

I'm sorry this has happened and well done for putting your daughter first in all this. Whoever is coming to talk to her will know how to word things to get to the bottom of what's gone on.
Silly question here, but what's the thing about him always playing with his genitals?! My husband occasionally "rearranges" himself, but it's not so often that I'd pick up on it as being a habit!
Stay strong, you have absolutely done the right thing 💐

When my husbands ex thought he was hitting their son it was the police she rang. So probably your best bet?

Report to police and social services.

Also make sure you do not mention anything further to dd... Your ex could claim suggestive questioning if things escalate to court..
Ime. Sadly.

I'm glad that someone fully trained is being sent to talk to her. I was worrying that a member of the school staff would start asking her questions and muddying the waters.
All the best. This must be a real worry.

Yes i second about not asking her anything more.

It's very very hard to ask children about situations without putting words in their mouths or showing emotion which might make them speak differently about what happened either way. Playing it up, or down, to try to please you.

SS are trained to speak to her without causing this and will record what your DD tells them and will act correctly. They are taking you seriously OP and that's fantastic.

You've made the right decision, OP. Lots of hugs sent your way from me. X

You have so done the right thing. Safeguarding team and NSPCC are a good source for support for what's happening. Also, please please seek some support for yourself. As you have said, you are petrified, so having someone trustworthy by your side will allow you to process things as they come.

Thank you everyone. Appreciate and need it.

Luckily the school are absolutely brilliant. The other awful thing is that DD went hysterical this morning and did not want to go to school once we were there. Completely out of character. I def did not question her further than what happened last night (I asked her once to clarify then knew to leave it) and luckily wrote it all done right away.

Im terrified that SS will traumatise her further - she is so switched on and will get that somethings amiss. Especially as I was hanging around school for so long.

I’m terrified she’ll somehow be taken off me (thinking back to the times I’ve lost my temper - I’m very hard on myself and it rarely happens and I always apologise to her, but she always reminds me of it) - but I’m just in shock I think.

Yes he’s an immature idiot in top of everything. Walks around without pants and holding himself. But I’m shocked he’s doing it in front of DD. I actually don’t believe he’s “done” something but the words my DD have been worrying enough to potentially involve the police so I can’t risk it.

Feels like I’m in a nightmare to be honest

They won't take her away from you but will do an investigation. She may be assigned a social worker for a bit to monitor but they do not take children away from mother's who lose their temper sometimes. On top of this, you are not with your ex so she has a safe house to go to whilst they investigate.

They won’t take her away from you as you are separated from her Dad and can keep her safe.

Methods of interviewing a dd of your dd's age are very appropriate.. She won't be negatively affected... Ime they tell you the sooner your dc is believed and the person of risk removed the less long term (mh) damage there is..

Just want to say you did the right thing and your daughter is blessed to have you

You’re doing all of the right things. It’s good that you’ve taken it seriously immediately. Some people would find it too upsetting or unbelievable to accept so they’d convince themselves that it’s all a big nothing and not do anything. The latter happened in my own family where a young child - unfortunately very rightly - said something worrying and no adults did anything. You’ve done the very best thing possible.

Sorry, I don't mean to diminish your concerns, but can someone explain what is evidence of abuse here?

My husband also has the disgusting teenage boy habit of rummaging around in his pants, usually when no-one else is there but he will do it in front of me sometimes. It's gross but it's fairly harmless. And the comment about the bed presumably referencing the fact some people would find a little girl sleeping in her fathers bed weird...

Sorry! He may well be an abusive piece of carp.

If every mother who lost their temper had their children taken away, no one would have kids. Don't worry about that. They will help you.

@Earwiggoearwiggoearwiggo I don't believe OP has shared exactly what her daughter disclosed to her. The messing with himself/bed sharing things are things the OP is now looking back on in a more sinister light.

(From the OP: I don’t want go into unnecessary detail ... said about his willy that was not ok and I can’t write here)

Op you have absolutely done the right thing in reporting