TRIGGER (child abuse) To consider reporting ex to police over something DD (5) just said

[User11223344]

Well not consider, but to report him - as I feel I have to absolutely.

I don’t want go into unnecessary detail but currently sobbing, frozen in tears unable to function as to what to do next.

My DD said something to me at bedtime that I really need to report. She said it in a jokey way but it was about something her dad (who has her two nights a week) said about his willy that was not ok and I can’t write here, also that he was always touching it and wobbling it etc (he’s always done this). I believe he is emotionally abusive but I never ever thought I would need to worry about this. What has really tipped me over the edge is that earlier in the week he’d asked if he should still be letting her sleep in his bed or would it “come back to bite him in the arse”. I questioned him about what he meant, and ended up being stupidly blase over it (I know a lot of kids who get into their dad’s beds and my mind didn’t even go there).

My question is, do I report to school or the police? Can I talk to school and they report it? What is best, as he will go ballistic and I’m in a precarious situation legally and financially (all maintenance and house and bills are paid by him but no court order) - separate issue, and not my main focus just now.

Also, what happens next? What if they find he’s innocent? What if he’s not?

DD safe with me and I’m not letting her out if my sight.

Please no hate. I only care about protecting DD and am in absolute shock

I feel I haven’t done enough now. I did speak to my lawyer who said to follow the police lead (but this is before they met with DD and me)

I feel awful that I have not done enough work around consent… she knows about nobody else touching your body and asking if someone would like a hug etc, but the areshole bastard father thinks that’s all woke BS.

I have always had a no secrets policy, again one he has ignored. She usually runs straight to me to tell me what he’s done “wrong” - but the point is, I haven’t explicitly done any work about touching other people’s pants parts etc (not that this was explicitly that) so she wouldn’t necessary know that was wrong. The social Worker said she would do some work with her around this and maybe then something else will come out.

I just feel dreadful and especially as she went absolutely hysterical on the way to school this morning. That has only started this week but was massively escalated today. Something is not right.

How can they not ban him from seeing her on even a suspicion, given it’s so serious?

Hi OP sending love as this sounds terribly difficult.

I am confused though, I understand not posting all the details but you haven't actually said what your DD said but are obviously implying sexual abuse but are considering sending her back there?

If you have suspicions of this then please do not let your daughter be alone with him.

Don’t do this to yourself, don’t ever feel guilty for someone else’s behaviour. You’re clearly a good mum who cares a hell of a lot for her daughter, but no one expects this to happen to them and so few of us are truly prepared. We trust the other adults in our children’s lives to care for them as we do. I’m sorry you’ve had no support from the services you sought. There must be someone else you can talk to who can give you some more suggestions, is it worth going back? Directly to the police this time, as your lawyer said? It might be, the squeaky wheel, as they say. I don’t fully trust social services, not their fault, I think sometimes their hands are tied.

I wish I could give more legal support but I don’t have the legal expertise to advise you and I really hope someone who does comes along soon. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself for this. As I said earlier, no one expects it and no one is prepared. It’s not your fault at all. Xxx

If there's no court order around visitation do you have to allow him to take her? I'm not in UK, but id assumed he d have to take you to court to force visitation

OP I wonder if it’s worth asking for this to be moved to legal? There are some amazing people on there who might not read AIBU and might be able to point you in the next steps?

I just don’t think it’s appropriate I say what she said… but yes, it pertains to the suggestion of that, but not out and out clearly that. Sorry, I hate not being clear.

I guess the social worker is thinking something may come out before she’s due to see him. As no, I don’t think I can send her either

Sorry I don't think I worded that very well. Yes I understand not posting what she said.

Have SS given you specific advice? Just because honestly I wouldn't be thinking about what his rights are I would just tell him he's not seeing her and that's that. If he wants to go through the courts after that then that's a different matter. Or is there already a court order in place?

@JackanorysStories thank you. Really. I might go straight back to the police as they asked me a few times “do you think she’s in danger with him“ - I answered honestly that I didn’t know. But I am now freaking out and think a don’t know isn’t good enough. I need to be sure she isn’t before she sees him.

Will see if it can be moved to legal, good idea.

There’s no court order in place.

I ignored all his calls - he FaceTimes her at bed. She hasn’t wanted to speak to him all week but tonight was keen to see him. It’s so difficult my head is an absolute mess

They also wanted me to speak to him about this before they called him next week?!? I’ve decided against that I think. I don’t want him to have time to think up some story. I already know he’ll deny and very likely say I’m making it up to get at him (as if anyone would put everyone through that)

And I can’t look at him let alone “speak”

Eh? What did they want you to say? ‘I’ve contacted the police and socials because I am concerned you’re abusing our daughter?’ Surely that would be a total disaster? I find that really bizarre.

If you’re ignoring his calls what is he likely to do? Is he likely to just call again the same night or is he the type to be concerned and turn up on your doorstep?

I know… I was so all over the place I can’t quite believe this nor that I agreed, and will call the social worker first thing Monday. I think she said it would be easier for her! I wanted to stay anonymous which seemed possible to a point, as it’s what my child had said. Surely as soon as he thinks it’s me and not one of the teachers, he’ll target me as lying etc… makes no sense!

We answered his FaceTime for about 10 seconds and then it luckily cut out. I am only going to do basic need-only comms

They actually wanted me to say that she’d told me and I was so upset that I asked school for advice, then before I knew it, the services, police etc were involved

yes this. Hold your nerve and don't send her. If he kicks of or threatens in response then phone the police.

OP, honestly, you’re doing great. The impact on you is understandable, but you’re doing everything in your power to protect your child. Please sit with some satisfaction about that because it’s not an easy thing to face.

When you feel able to, and I really don’t want to add another thing to your plate, but there’s a great organisation that may be able to help with advice/advocacy - https://oneinfour.org.uk/our-services/. They also have free resources about spotting signs of abuse etc.

Take deep breaths and reach out to friends and family. Is there anyone who can stay with you over the next couple of days? x

You don't have to send her to him. There's no court order so you can stop contact and he'd have to take you to court for an order.

At the moment, the police can't stop him seeing her. He hasn't been arrested or under any kind of restrictions.

Social services have no legal powers to stop contact and could only make a recommendation.

You have PR so you can say no.

Doesn’t this mean he can also similarly stop her from seeing me if he did get hold of her? What’s the difference, legally?

I wouldn't be sending her. Say she's ill, make something up.

Doesn’t that mean he could rock up at school and pick her up, if there was no order?

I don’t think it’s as easy as just stopping access?

Yes, he could. But yes it is also as simple as you stopping contact and him taking you to court.

In cases such as this where there is nothing preventing the parent collecting the child the best I have seen schools do is stall so the other parent can get to school to take the child. But schools are unlikely to want to get in the middle of a custody dispute.

If you want to stop contact in a more formal way you should really seek some legal advice.

Have requested this is moved to legal

Am exhausted on every front, absolutely terrified for my DD future… she’s highly sensitive, too clever almost and is really disregulated (SS and police thought that was down to our parent differences. WTF). She already says things about not liking herself (!) and has crazy highs, is easy to anger and to cry. I have read every parenting book, given up work to spend as much of her childhood with her, poured love into her and have never left her with anyone outside nursery and schoo, apart from her father and one trusted female friend briefly. And still this is happening!!

Really feel I’m going to crumble. I can’t though so will get some sleep

Sending you big hugs xx

Huge hugs, op. You will get through this, you are strong enough and brave enough to do it. There will be a resolution.

Plenty of people are going to say "don't send her", "I would never send my child to her abuser" etc without looking at the bigger picture and seeing what the consequences of that might mean. Without anyone else hearing what your daughter said, it is just your word against his and there is nothing to prove that you aren't just saying that to get him out of the picture. Which is why - as awful as it is - you have to follow social services' lead on this to avoid any allegations of alienation being made against you, which could result in a court order going against you, therefore making it even harder to protect her in the future. Keep on at SS to tell you what to do. Tell them you're not happy that this is what they are advising. Make them accountable for their guidance.

Good luck, OP. Be strong.