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Original poster

TRIGGER (child abuse) To consider reporting ex to police over something DD (5) just said

161 replies

User11223344 · 29/02/2024 23:17

Well not consider, but to report him - as I feel I have to absolutely.

I don’t want go into unnecessary detail but currently sobbing, frozen in tears unable to function as to what to do next.

My DD said something to me at bedtime that I really need to report. She said it in a jokey way but it was about something her dad (who has her two nights a week) said about his willy that was not ok and I can’t write here, also that he was always touching it and wobbling it etc (he’s always done this). I believe he is emotionally abusive but I never ever thought I would need to worry about this. What has really tipped me over the edge is that earlier in the week he’d asked if he should still be letting her sleep in his bed or would it “come back to bite him in the arse”. I questioned him about what he meant, and ended up being stupidly blase over it (I know a lot of kids who get into their dad’s beds and my mind didn’t even go there).

My question is, do I report to school or the police? Can I talk to school and they report it? What is best, as he will go ballistic and I’m in a precarious situation legally and financially (all maintenance and house and bills are paid by him but no court order) - separate issue, and not my main focus just now.

Also, what happens next? What if they find he’s innocent? What if he’s not?

DD safe with me and I’m not letting her out if my sight.

Please no hate. I only care about protecting DD and am in absolute shock

OP posts:
Change2banon · 01/03/2024 14:43

Earwiggoearwiggoearwiggo · 01/03/2024 14:11

Sorry, I don't mean to diminish your concerns, but can someone explain what is evidence of abuse here?

My husband also has the disgusting teenage boy habit of rummaging around in his pants, usually when no-one else is there but he will do it in front of me sometimes. It's gross but it's fairly harmless. And the comment about the bed presumably referencing the fact some people would find a little girl sleeping in her fathers bed weird...

Sorry! He may well be an abusive piece of carp.

Honestly, imo, any grown adult man who can’t keep his hands out of his pants and away from his privates in front of others is disgusting. Any man is capable of not fondling his bits while in others’ company! Don’t excuse their behaviour.

Change2banon · 01/03/2024 14:44

I hope you get to the bottom of it OP. Well done for being strong and putting your daughter first.

mommatoone · 01/03/2024 14:55

OP- you absolutely did the right thing reporting. Do not doubt yourself. SS do not remove children just like that. You have shown that you are safeguarding your daughter by reporting this. And as for your narcissistic ex maybe suggesting you have influenced what your daughter has said- your child will be consistent in what she tells people. Kids at that age don't 'lie ' and give the same version of events to different people . Stay strong.

MoonWoman69 · 01/03/2024 15:59

She won't be taken away from you, you live apart from him, so you are there to keep her safe. The mere fact you've raised concerns about his possible behaviour will show that you have put your daughter and her safety first. Don't worry about that... 💐

Starspangledrodeopony · 01/03/2024 17:30

I think the police need to be involved.

LongTallSallyx · 01/03/2024 17:58

How are things going op?

Saddm · 01/03/2024 18:00

Nc for this. When my dd 3 disclosed Bad Stuff I rang the police.
You really should ime op.

Gowebbsgo · 01/03/2024 18:08

I attend strategy discussions as health representation in cases like this OP. Just to reassure you, they won't be looking to remove your daughter. They are going to be discussing your disclosures and working out from any historical information as well as new information If it needs to be investigated further. It is likely that it will be given this information and your daughter will be spoken to on her own by someone very qualified to do so. They will also speak with you and your ex but this will be done sensitively. You are doing what you can to protect your child, that's what SS will want to see and you are doing it. They may put some support in place for you to navigate the situation with your ex and may provide some support if you haven't had some already for his previously abusive behaviour toward you. You have been really brave coming forward with this information despite the possible consequences. You are obviously a good mum. Please try not to worry all weekend.

Original poster
User11223344 · 01/03/2024 18:37

Thanks again everyone.

When I told people what she’d said which I feel I can’t share here, they have all been shocked. It’s seriously worrying.

As @Gowebbsgo said, SS and the police came to the school and spoke to her. She did not repeat what she’d said to me, which means the police aren’t involved at the moment now (although were involved with the meeting with me afterwards). SS will stay involved and speak further to DD and also speak to him and do home visits etc. I have decided as she’s not staying with him until next week not to mention anything to him until they do as don’t want him to have a heads up.

Feel sick to my stomach that it looks like I’ll need to send her back to stay with him, albeit after SS has spoken to him. They can’t not tell him it was me I don’t think… was all a bit of a blur, I’ll speak to the social worker again Monday as she’s planning on calling him Tuesday

OP posts:
Twiggylet · 01/03/2024 19:06

What an awful situation. So sorry this is happening. Well done you for protecting your daughter

2024Melanie · 01/03/2024 19:11

Youve done the right thing op x

Starseeking · 01/03/2024 19:16

I would have thought SS could say DD had mentioned something at school, rather than them saying it was you who reported him.

Well done OP, you did the right thing in raising your concerns to the right people.

Iaminthefly · 01/03/2024 19:21

She'd be going back to stay with him over my dead body. He'd have to take me to court first.

Original poster
User11223344 · 01/03/2024 19:31

Iaminthefly · 01/03/2024 19:21

She'd be going back to stay with him over my dead body. He'd have to take me to court first.

I feel like this. They make it feel like it’s not an option. I will talk to the social worker on Monday because it’s how I increasingly feel.

How am I protecting her if I send her back?

OP posts:
fatphalange · 01/03/2024 19:34

I can understand why you aren't describing exactly what was said here OP but if what you're alluding to is along the lines of what I'm thinking then you're surely not going to send your daughter to stay with him next week??

fatphalange · 01/03/2024 19:34

Apologies, I was taking too long to post. Err yeah I'd keep her with you for the foreseeable

colouringindoors · 01/03/2024 19:41

I'm so sorry your dd and you are going through this OP. As other's have said you have absolutely done the real thing.

Are SS aware of the state of your relationship with your ex?

Can you ask them (if you haven't already) how can you send dd to stay with him again knowing what you now know and suspect? Surely that's a Safeguarding issue? Sending much love.

SuffolkUnicorn · 01/03/2024 20:01

Wouldn’t have mentioned it to friends unless they don’t speak to him

SuffolkUnicorn · 01/03/2024 20:02

No way would I send my child there

I agree with pp so many threads lately about child abuse/suspected it’s just awful

PringPring · 01/03/2024 20:08

Do you currently have a court order for contact? Or is it currently an informal arrangement?

I'm baffled that the police have been today but not actioned anything. I'd contact them again directly myself I think.

Original poster
User11223344 · 01/03/2024 20:11

Because DD did not repeat what she told me it was deemed a non-criminal case at the moment. The more I think about it the less sense it makes. So a child can actually tell their mum something and it’s not taken as the truth?

OP posts:
Wasywasydoodah · 01/03/2024 20:14

Look, you don’t have to send her. Social services are going to tell him what has been said. I wouldn’t send my child. Worst that can happen is he’ll make a court application and then there will be more assessment.

2boyzNosleep · 01/03/2024 20:54

User11223344 · 01/03/2024 20:11

Because DD did not repeat what she told me it was deemed a non-criminal case at the moment. The more I think about it the less sense it makes. So a child can actually tell their mum something and it’s not taken as the truth?

I just want to say well done on taking this seriously and reporting it straight away. Be proud of your strength and courage and putting your daughter first.

Please try not to be disheartened. They took it seriously enough to hold a strat meeting. Without other evidence, unless your daughter actually says what happened, I'm assuming that there's not a crime they can charge him with? its a difficult situation for all involved.

I have no idea about law but I suppose if they did charge him and interview him- that wouldn't stand up legally. As all they have at the moment I'd what YOU have told them. That's not to say no one believes you or your daughter, just that they have to have a valid reason to arrest him.

I would document as much as possible going forward, behaviours, what she says, try to record what she says if you have the chance (without her realising- she may freeze or stop disclosing to you if you seem distracted).

JackanorysStories · 01/03/2024 21:41

Hey OP, sending support for you. It must be so hard to be strong in such situations.

Just as an aside, and I know this is a lot to think about right now, but you mentioned that your daughter can be bribed with sweets and such, it would be worth you undertaking some work with her about no secrets, the pants rule, to always be honest with you, about people offering her things. I follow a page called ‘Consent Parenting’ on Instagram and I saw a video from a woman who did all this and as soon as a coach o spoke to a child about a secret he went and told his mum immediately. He instinctively knew to step back from the coach and talk to his parent. It’s all that her dad can bribe her but great that she’s so open with you, but the fact he can bribe her means he knows things an option. Take that option away from him and every other bastard out there. There are amazing professionals who can help you with it.

I really hope that you get things worked out and that they aren’t as bad as you fear. Xxx

Universalsnail · 01/03/2024 22:03

I think you should refuse to send child back to him before you have sought legal advice. If what she has said is as serious as you have implied in this thread there's no way I would send my child back there. You need to see a family lawyer.