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Original poster

TRIGGER (child abuse) To consider reporting ex to police over something DD (5) just said

161 replies

User11223344 · 29/02/2024 23:17

Well not consider, but to report him - as I feel I have to absolutely.

I don’t want go into unnecessary detail but currently sobbing, frozen in tears unable to function as to what to do next.

My DD said something to me at bedtime that I really need to report. She said it in a jokey way but it was about something her dad (who has her two nights a week) said about his willy that was not ok and I can’t write here, also that he was always touching it and wobbling it etc (he’s always done this). I believe he is emotionally abusive but I never ever thought I would need to worry about this. What has really tipped me over the edge is that earlier in the week he’d asked if he should still be letting her sleep in his bed or would it “come back to bite him in the arse”. I questioned him about what he meant, and ended up being stupidly blase over it (I know a lot of kids who get into their dad’s beds and my mind didn’t even go there).

My question is, do I report to school or the police? Can I talk to school and they report it? What is best, as he will go ballistic and I’m in a precarious situation legally and financially (all maintenance and house and bills are paid by him but no court order) - separate issue, and not my main focus just now.

Also, what happens next? What if they find he’s innocent? What if he’s not?

DD safe with me and I’m not letting her out if my sight.

Please no hate. I only care about protecting DD and am in absolute shock

OP posts:
Original poster
User11223344 · 06/03/2024 18:15

SS say it’s fine for him to see her unsupervised! That it’s down to me to safeguard her!

OP posts:
Original poster
User11223344 · 06/03/2024 18:23

Lawyer said to block contact this weekend (which he is pushing against) and then go from there looking at a prohibitive steps order possibly. That’s likely to lead to family courts, £30k I don’t have (and he has endless ££) as there’s no “proof” an outcome where he’ll have unsupervised access anyway.

What am I supposed to do?

He’s denied everything obviously and god knows what he’ll say to her when next seeing her. I am sure it was grooming. At least. Do I have to hope he’s had the absolute shit scared out of him to not to it again?! And faith in my DD to tell me - but that is also pointless as telling me is worthless in the eyes of SS? It is looking like my only option.

OP posts:
Scaffoldingisugly · 06/03/2024 21:50

When my exh had a convicted sex offender is dc's bedroom gaming with them (relative) I reported the matter to ss. Wish I had gotten her name to shame her but she told me it was probably nice for relative to have seen the dc...
Exh made the dc lie to Cafcass and say it didn't happen..
Ds showed me pics of them all together..

Original poster
User11223344 · 06/03/2024 23:00

@Scaffoldingisugly shocking!! As is making children lie.

Honestly, SS seem to have hindered rather than helped. So my word means nothing. They can see I have zero to gain here and Women’s aid have me as high risk from him. If he does do something to her and DD tells me, does that mean nothing again?! Where do they draw the line?

OP posts:
StasisMom · 07/03/2024 08:13

I don't know, I suspect the police need to be involved maybe for SS to take action. I was following this thread before it moved to Legal, maybe there's less footfall here though?

Original poster
User11223344 · 07/03/2024 13:52

StasisMom · 07/03/2024 08:13

I don't know, I suspect the police need to be involved maybe for SS to take action. I was following this thread before it moved to Legal, maybe there's less footfall here though?

Yes think you’re right… but no time to get it moved back

Ex has gone absolutely ballistic in denying his access this weekend. Equating it to me calling him a paedophile etc. it’s extremely stressful.

OP posts:
StasisMom · 07/03/2024 19:16

Oh shit.... But if you feel in any way under threat, you have to call the police.

Original poster
User11223344 · 07/03/2024 19:22

If someone goes absolutely scarily ballistic and starts blaming me in this instance, is that an indication of guilt?
He honestly thought I’d laugh off what she said and is now threatening me for “withholding access”. Need some reassurance I’m doing the right things, as feel it’s only inflammatory and he’ll punish me or her more, when he eventually does get contact

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 07/03/2024 19:39

You can't rely on strangers on the internet to guide you on this. Most are reacting emotionally, but when this becomes a legal issue, emotions won't matter. Without her telling someone else, you will be forced to hand her over, and if you refuse, you might lose her to him permanently. That is what you need to avoid happening. If you can't afford a big legal battle, then you're going to have to figure out what is the lesser of all the evils. Your only option might be to hope she tells someone else.

It is a terrible, helpless situation, and every mother's worst nightmare. Just make sure to document everything you have been told by SS and your solicitor. Keep in constant touch with SS and any other agencies so you have a trail of all the actions you have and are taking. There is a big difference between "not protecting her" and "not being able to protect her". You can only try your best.

Picture24 · 07/03/2024 19:51

User11223344 · 07/03/2024 19:22

If someone goes absolutely scarily ballistic and starts blaming me in this instance, is that an indication of guilt?
He honestly thought I’d laugh off what she said and is now threatening me for “withholding access”. Need some reassurance I’m doing the right things, as feel it’s only inflammatory and he’ll punish me or her more, when he eventually does get contact

Not necessarily. I'm not really clear on what's happened but yes if I was innocent and somebody accused me of abusing a child id go absolutely ballistic.

But yes of course the reaction could be because he is guilty. It sounds so difficult OP 💐

Original poster
User11223344 · 07/03/2024 19:57

HollyKnight · 07/03/2024 19:39

You can't rely on strangers on the internet to guide you on this. Most are reacting emotionally, but when this becomes a legal issue, emotions won't matter. Without her telling someone else, you will be forced to hand her over, and if you refuse, you might lose her to him permanently. That is what you need to avoid happening. If you can't afford a big legal battle, then you're going to have to figure out what is the lesser of all the evils. Your only option might be to hope she tells someone else.

It is a terrible, helpless situation, and every mother's worst nightmare. Just make sure to document everything you have been told by SS and your solicitor. Keep in constant touch with SS and any other agencies so you have a trail of all the actions you have and are taking. There is a big difference between "not protecting her" and "not being able to protect her". You can only try your best.

Thank you. I have good legal advice to block access until the assessment is done this week. But as he’s so manipulative, it’s hard to hold. He’s always had really high level access so I doubt one weekend while a s47 child sex abuse case is going on will be held against me. I offered supervised contact which he refused, so…. And I’m adamant what she said has truth, so I don’t feel safe sending her back. Although realise next weekend I will likely have to, rather than take the next steps, as yes, lesser of two evils.
living nightmare

OP posts:
Donotneedit · 07/03/2024 21:19

I really feel for you OP, you must be in hell right now. I’ve just spent years going through family courts (still ongoing), and was abused as a child myself. a couple of things I am wondering:

Is it possible for you to identify an adult you think could build a trusting rapport with your DD. Somebody who she might feel comfortable disclosing to in the future and would be seen as a solid source if she does disclose? You may already be thinking about this, you would need to pick the person carefully, it may not be seen as appropriate for you to put her in therapy as such, but maybe someone who does babysitting or childminding or someone at the school… I don’t know.. I’m wondering if perhaps your ex knowing that there’s somebody working with her in the background may also protect her if there is anything untoward going on.
I’m also wondering if you can go through the motions of attempting to arrange mediation with your ex, anything like that that the courts will look at and essentially not worry so much that you are alienating, as this is the cheap rubbish that may get thrown at you and the more evidence you have to show this is wrong the better.
i’m wondering if you can find someone to work with you to help you deliver therapeutic parenting, the stress of this situation is going to impact your daughter, regardless of what actually happened, it might be a very bumpy time and that sort of support can be absolutely life changing and so protective. I suspect you will find your money is much better spent on this tgan pouring it into the pockets of solicitors who may not be able to actually do anything particularly helpful. DDP therapy is what I would be looking for, specifically to work with just you to help you help her.
I would recommend finding a good direct access barrister rather than working with solicitors. in my experience they are a lot more realistic and far cheaper as well. I have generally found solicitors to be like sales people, full of shit a lot of the time. I think it’s this list- https://www.directaccessportal.co.uk/if you go for that, look for somebody, conscientious, calm reliable and sensitive. They do exist but you may need to pick through. They should be able to give you advice as well as representing you if you do go to court.
Finally, I’m wondering if you can have a conversation with an independent parental alienation expert witness, who will understand that there are people genuinely in your situation and will be able to help you navigate this potentially even with a bit of free advice. At the very least, you need to be very up-to-date on what they are looking for with alienation so that you don’t inadvertently say the wrong thing and dig a hole for yourself. Things are already tough enough without that
sending love and solidarity, for what it’s worth

Homepage

https://www.directaccessportal.co.uk/

tattygrl · 07/03/2024 23:15

I've been following your updates on here OP and I just want to reach out a hand-hold, and say I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm outraged that the SW said "we have to report people who xyz". That's APPALLING! We're told not to question or talk to children when they bring up issues like this and leave it to the professionals, and THAT'S what the "professional" says?! Just outrageous and beyond frustrating and horrible for you.

We're all here for you. Try and look after yourself. It must feel very difficult to designate any care and effort on your own wellbeing right now but it is essential. You've done nothing wrong, and you don't deserve to burn out.

SKG231 · 07/03/2024 23:44

Have read your posts and my heart breaks for you. As DD isn’t opening up to SS would it be worth being softly direct with her and saying something along the lines of “if for any reason you don’t want to be at daddy’s anymore that’s ok and you don’t have to go and no one will be mad” etc.

just clutching at straws here.

a222 · 08/03/2024 07:37

can you try to talk to her and have your phone recording in the corner of the room or something?

Scaffoldingisugly · 08/03/2024 07:46

Do not record your dd. Just don't.... You risk losing custody.... Worst advice ever op.

Scaffoldingisugly · 08/03/2024 07:48

Have you heard the phrase give a man enough rope?
Let him threaten and rant... Document everything.

a222 · 08/03/2024 09:01

Scaffoldingisugly · 08/03/2024 07:46

Do not record your dd. Just don't.... You risk losing custody.... Worst advice ever op.

what else is she meant to do?

Scaffoldingisugly · 08/03/2024 09:52

Absolutely not take you advice for starters....

Scaffoldingisugly · 08/03/2024 09:53

And you should be very grateful you have absolutely idea what you are talking about..
Ime....

Helpimfalling · 08/03/2024 10:56

I had something very very similar happen in my life, with my child, I made the father take a private lie detector test if he wanted to not go through court etc.

Honestly it was the worst few months of my entire life I didn't eat didn't sleep I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't live I can't explain how much I know at that time how you felt.

Awful stuff happened to me as a child so I didn't know whether I was reading into something too much, I kept questioning my child and it was a horrific mess.

I'm so sorry op.

Is there anyway you can ask him to do this this as his response could be an indication of guilt or not.
Not many people would go for a test if they had something to hide?

Sending so so much love x

Original poster
User11223344 · 09/03/2024 15:57

Thank you for all the helpful advice and support. I still don’t know what to do. DD is with me with friends and so much happier…. She had two bathroom accident at school this week… I don’t know if that’s because something happened or sensing my stress which I’ve tried to keep from her.
Will speak to lawyers on Monday. Feel like I can’t be too knee-jerky around this. Also, he’s a massive narcissist l, really abusive to me, and a friend just said this happened to someone she knew and he was abusing their daughter as a way to get back at her. I absolutely think this is possible. Not sure the family courts are aware of all that though. Somehow feels I have to prove my innocence!

OP posts:
Original poster
User11223344 · 09/03/2024 15:59

@Helpimfalling he would never agree to take one, guilty or otherwise.

OP posts:
Scaffoldingisugly · 09/03/2024 16:14

Lie detector? In the UK? Bonkers...

SKG231 · 09/03/2024 20:12

Scaffoldingisugly · 09/03/2024 16:14

Lie detector? In the UK? Bonkers...

I know someone who paid for their boyfriend to take a lie detector test when she suspected cheating. You can definitely have them in the UK.