TRIGGER (child abuse) To consider reporting ex to police over something DD (5) just said

[User11223344]

Well not consider, but to report him - as I feel I have to absolutely.

I don’t want go into unnecessary detail but currently sobbing, frozen in tears unable to function as to what to do next.

My DD said something to me at bedtime that I really need to report. She said it in a jokey way but it was about something her dad (who has her two nights a week) said about his willy that was not ok and I can’t write here, also that he was always touching it and wobbling it etc (he’s always done this). I believe he is emotionally abusive but I never ever thought I would need to worry about this. What has really tipped me over the edge is that earlier in the week he’d asked if he should still be letting her sleep in his bed or would it “come back to bite him in the arse”. I questioned him about what he meant, and ended up being stupidly blase over it (I know a lot of kids who get into their dad’s beds and my mind didn’t even go there).

My question is, do I report to school or the police? Can I talk to school and they report it? What is best, as he will go ballistic and I’m in a precarious situation legally and financially (all maintenance and house and bills are paid by him but no court order) - separate issue, and not my main focus just now.

Also, what happens next? What if they find he’s innocent? What if he’s not?

DD safe with me and I’m not letting her out if my sight.

Please no hate. I only care about protecting DD and am in absolute shock

I really feel for you, this situation sounds absolutely awful.

be open with your daughter and tell her that she can tell you absolutely anything and you would never be mad and always believe her and be there for her. Educate her with age appropriate videos about consent and bodies and make it clear that she should never be made to see other people touching their private parts or making her do it.

make sure you’re documenting everything she says and any change in behaviour. The accidents may be a coincidence but that is classed a sign I’m afraid.

She’s also not going to sleep for about 2-3hrs later than normal.
He has threatened ME with court and said he’ll say I’m a psychotic mother. From everything I’ve read, this is the stance the courts usually take.
An beginning to panic now

Speak to the school, speak to social services, speak to her doctor, speak to the police. Have it on record everywhere how concerned you are and ask her teacher to be documenting all changes in behaviour. The crying going into school, the accidents etc.

he is saying these things to scare you into silence. You have done nothing wrong.

Okay, as someone who has been a teacher, CP social worker and rape crisis worker....this is a very difficult position.

Ideally you would immediately believe the parent and child. No questions asked

However, the threshold for their involvement is very high and it requires the child's voice directly or for her to have disclosed to a neutral person such as school.

Sadly, without appropriate evidence your ex could just come back and cry alienation or emotional abuse from you.

I would be:

• Stopping contact as is your right as a person with PR and safeguarding concerns.
• Logging everything down in terms of communication with ex
• Reassuring DD that she can and should speak to school about anything that has happened that was weird or uncomfortable.
• Reassuring her that she is not causing any trouble
• Keeping a close and positive relationship with school. They are key players here in noticing concerns also.
• Noting any behavioural changes and keeping school informed

It is a horrific situation to be in and I imagine that she must have said something so unsettling/bizarre and out of context for her age that you are thinking something has definitely happened rather than any misunderstanding.

There is a threshold of evidence that social workers must meet to become involved on a CP basis which is much lower than the evidence required in law, but still high in terms of the fact that a child disclosure is needed from your DD to them directly or to school/another professional. It isn't great but there are limitations to their power

Oh and also seeking legal advice which you are already doing.

Make sure DD is kept informed throughout, if she is as switched on as you say then she will know something is amiss anyway.

She has a right to be safeguarded but also to be part of decisions in an age appropriate way. It is a hard balance , as a parent, it sounds like you are doing well despite feeling otherwise

TRIGGER*
Apologies if the use of 'rape crisis' title upsets anyone. It is the context I worked in but just to note that it does cover intimate domestic abuse, sexual assault, and abuse.

It would be good to know how old DD is roughly so people can suggest any resources or supports if needed in the future x

The dd's age is literally in the thread title...

Thanks for pointing that out @Scaffoldingisugly

I hope you are recording all of these conversations you're having with him. Do it routinely.
In one or more of them he might just admit something concrete... after all, he's already demonstrating true colours with the threats to you.

Sorry haven't RTFT but wanted to check if anyone's recommended Lundy Bancroft's book on why the authorities don't believe mothers who report CSA in a custody situation. Once you translate all the American legalese into UK terms it's really useful.

Also you can get free legal advice from Rights of Women.