TRIGGER (child abuse) To consider reporting ex to police over something DD (5) just said

[User11223344]

Well not consider, but to report him - as I feel I have to absolutely.

I don’t want go into unnecessary detail but currently sobbing, frozen in tears unable to function as to what to do next.

My DD said something to me at bedtime that I really need to report. She said it in a jokey way but it was about something her dad (who has her two nights a week) said about his willy that was not ok and I can’t write here, also that he was always touching it and wobbling it etc (he’s always done this). I believe he is emotionally abusive but I never ever thought I would need to worry about this. What has really tipped me over the edge is that earlier in the week he’d asked if he should still be letting her sleep in his bed or would it “come back to bite him in the arse”. I questioned him about what he meant, and ended up being stupidly blase over it (I know a lot of kids who get into their dad’s beds and my mind didn’t even go there).

My question is, do I report to school or the police? Can I talk to school and they report it? What is best, as he will go ballistic and I’m in a precarious situation legally and financially (all maintenance and house and bills are paid by him but no court order) - separate issue, and not my main focus just now.

Also, what happens next? What if they find he’s innocent? What if he’s not?

DD safe with me and I’m not letting her out if my sight.

Please no hate. I only care about protecting DD and am in absolute shock

Big hug hugs xxx

@User11223344 yes he could also withhold contact from you or collect her from school and this is something you can discuss with social services. I'm not talking about stopping him from seeing her long term without a court order but for now you could, say next weekend.

God, he's always been touching the fucking thing and "wobbling" it? Vomit.

I get where you are coming from here, but this is Shocking advice. Are you suggesting she sends her kid to dad's after what she has disclosed- just in case she looks 'the bad one '. I would fight tooth and nail to keep my kid away from this man. Stick to your guns OP.

Be upfront with school.. At best they can stall him leaving with dd until you get there.... Collect her a bit earlier than usual maybe?

I would be worried (in this context, with the thing she’s said that you haven’t disclosed but are worried about) that ‘wobbling it’ could mean more than just him messing with it innocently. I absolutely wouldn’t be sending her to his house and I’d tell him why. If he doesn’t want to be accused of inappropriate things then don’t DO inappropriate things in front of your 5 year old daughter ffs!

I would also be concerned that him saying that thing to you about sharing a bed could have been him preempting something being said to you by DD. So sort of trying to cover his back in case she mentioned anything. Nothing wrong with bed sharing at all, I do it, but given the wider context here that comment would be raising red flags with me.

I think I can figure out what he’s done from this. Please, do not send her back. Inform the school about a likelihood of him turning up to take her, and while they can’t stop him taking her, endeavour to be there early before he would be. Is he likely to do that? I think you need to revisit with the police. And don’t let this drop.

How can you have given up work as a single parent? Is that why you are financially dependent on your ex?
Really, after this, you need to be financially independent. You can’t take his money; you can have him paying your housing and bills.

You need a clean break.

They are taking this seriously. The issue is that they only have your word for what she said. They would prefer to hear it from her.

Such an unbelievably difficult situation for you.
Sending you love OP..

I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

Bumping for any legal advice. From what I’ve read, even if he’s proven to have abused her - he isn’t denied unsupervised access!! What?!? Not only that but I, the safe mother can have her take from me and put solely in his custody?!

This cannot be right, but certainly seems to be the case. Beyond shocked, worried and feel utterly at the whim of basic misogyny

Not sure where you got that from.

If the court accepts that he is at risk of abusing your child, he will not get unsupervised access and he definitely won't get your child living with him. The welfare of your child is a primary consideration for the courts. The problem is that some parents make untrue allegations that their ex is a child abuser in an attempt to prevent contact. The courts are therefore cautious about accepting allegations without good evidence.

I was reading about many cases as such.

Ahh yes. I’ve just been reading about this. Hence them not taking my word for it. It’s awful. I have nothing to gain, it’s lose lose. I wanted her to have a relationship with her father depute him being emotionally abusive to me. But I bet because I had a problem with his emotionally abusive parenting, he’ll use this against me as though I’m making it up to get him out of the picture? I mean as if I would put my daughter and myself and even him through such BS. Its madness

They can’t take your word for it anyway, they need evidence to take it further.

But as pp have said, if what she’s said is clearly SA, how is it safeguarding her by sending her back, no matter who she has told?

Im hoping to god she’ll say something to the SW this week, but think she’s sussed something’s amiss and could get her father trouble (and he may have warned her), or doesn’t even realise what he’s done is wrong so. On last questioning she said she liked cooking a dish with me that we never have and insisted she slept in her own bedroom at her father’s!

I know, it’s horrendous but obviously the police can’t take your word for it unfortunately.

As the previous poster says, the police can't just take your word for it. The authorities should take it seriously and investigate properly, but at the moment they don't know if your daughter genuinely said this to you or if you are making it up to get back at your ex. I hope your daughter will tell someone else the same things she has told you.

Update. A second meeting with the SW and DD hadn't repeated allegation. No bloody wonder, the SW essentially said we need to report people who do Xx etc so DD would have thought either she’s done something wrong or doesn’t want to get her father in trouble. And twigged she was the only one having the “special lesson”, even telling me she didn’t have it today and it’s “just colouring mummy”. It’s so cackhanded. Essentially she’s nailed the door shut on her ever repeating it again. She’d said it to me again when I asked directly in a jokey way, so I know it wasn’t made up. And his behaviour has been weird so I just know something has gone on. I blocked his access last week and I’m taking legal steps to block this week. Well just not allowing him and speaking to lawyer on strategy next. The law around this is outrageous. Even child sex offenders get to see their children?! And her word isn’t proof as she told me, her closest and trusted person, so I will eventually be in the position of having to send her back - especially as he has endless money and I have none for court. It’s been the hardest week of my life (worse than losing my mum).

The emotional abuse he’s also put us both through might be an angle… coercive control etc. Will see what the £1k lawyers appointment in the morning comes up with

And honestly, the get back at your ex, misogynistic crap motive doesn’t apply here. I’ve done all I can to foster a good relationship with that piece of shit, encouraging my child to like him! And as he can just pull the carpet out from me financially, I have zero to gain and would never put myself and my child through this through fantasy. Those “dads for justice” types should be ashamed

Oh OP I'm so sorry, that sounds horrendous SW strategy sounds ridiculously ineffective. Really hope the lawyer helps.

Let us know how it goes with the lawyer?

Even child sex offenders get to see their children?!

If there is proof that the individual is a safeguarding risk, they will definitely not get unsupervised access and may not be permitted any access.

the get back at your ex, misogynistic crap motive doesn’t apply here

I'm sure it doesn't apply in your case, but unfortunately some parents (both men and women) do invent allegations against their ex. This isn't misogynistic crap. It is real life, I'm afraid. Regardless of who your daughter made the allegation to initially, it should be taken seriously and investigated, but it will be difficult to investigate if she refuses to co-operate. She is the only witness.

When it came to light a close family friend's dc had been abused for their entire 12 years her dh got sent down. On release he got access to their other 2 x dc. That poor woman had to flee... Never heard from her since. Those dc will be 30+ now..how fucking horrific.. I hope things have changed.
Ime 4yo dc don't lie in the situation you described op.

That is appalling. Things have definitely changed. The rules are clear that contact should only be permitted if the physical and emotional safety of the child can be secured as far as possible before, during and after contact.

Sorry if I've misunderstood, but even without proof or before a charge, SS will intervene and prevent the person in question being unsupervised with the children.