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Original poster

DM is homeless and penniless

578 replies

Pottlee · 31/12/2023 13:29

I don’t know where to post this really, so apologies if it’s the wrong place.

My mum has been carer for her mum for maybe 5 years. Grandmother has now sadly passed away. Inheritance wise she has left a small amount behind, which is split between her two 60 ish year old ‘children’ (my mum and my uncle) - around £5-10k each. Mum and her brother have a fractured relationship but showed themselves to get on for the sake of their mum. Not sure it’s going to be as hunkydory now their mother has passed.

Now to the main point - my mum has nothing, like nothing to her name. She has no home (lived with her mum as carer), no money (other than the small inheritance) and no income at all. She has never worked so had made no contributions. She also had never claimed any benefits. The home she lived in with her mother will be sold and that money will go to an equity release company and to pay off a load of other debts.
What on earth happens to her now?
My uncle says she’s my responsibility now, but I would hate for that to be the case in that I don’t have room for her to live at my house, and harsh as it sounds I don’t want to become responsible for her for the rest of her life - hats off to everyone who can do it, but the idea of me having to care for her the way that she cared for her mum is just a no I’m afraid. We are close in a way but don’t get on in another. I couldn’t live with her. It would make my life unbearable and no doubt spell the end of my marriage because my DH couldn’t tolerate her daily either. My 2 DC love her but daily it would be disastrous. She is very lazy, judgemental, negative and nasty. And as I said would be able to make very little/no financial contribution.

So 1. Is she really regarded my responsibility now? 2. What should she do with regards of somewhere to live (she has no money for that) and income for the rest of her life? Is she not entitled to anything as she’s made no contributions or claimed anything at any point?

I’m aware I may come across as heartless because I don’t want to take her on so to speak, but I do want to help her set herself up somehow if she can. I’m just not in a position to be able to offer a place to live or financially.

please if anyone can advise who she can speak to or what she can do. Thank you.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Appleofmyeye2023 · 31/12/2023 14:32

Hermittrismegistus · 31/12/2023 13:32

Why would she be your responsibility? She's a grown adult.

She can claim universal credit and look for a job. Housing benefit will help to pay for very modest accommodation too.

We don’t know how old “mum” is….not so easy to get a job if you’ve never worked at all and are now closer to 70 not 60 years old …

Op, how old is your mum?

OldRanter · 31/12/2023 14:33

She will have a hard time getting a job with no references though

fromhellsheartistabatthee · 31/12/2023 14:33

Your uncle is talking nonsense. Ignore him.

TripleDaisySummer · 31/12/2023 14:34

CustardySergeant · 31/12/2023 14:31

NWQM "Carers are in very short supply. She has experience and may get snapped up if encouraged."

Not if she is as lazy as the OP says.

Op could be underestimating how much help GM needed or interpreting lack of confidence in job hunting or lack of foresight in heading off this situation as laziness.

Either way she does have experience and care sector is supposed to be short staffed.

Hubblebubble · 31/12/2023 14:35

@Pottlee call centers will take on almost anyone, regardless of lack of qualifications or work experience. They aren't bad either, you get to sit down and drink a cuppa at your desk.

Original poster
Pottlee · 31/12/2023 14:36

It was perhaps unfair of me to say she is lazy as she did take good care of her mum for several years. But I stand by it in all other circumstances. There’s no reason why she couldn’t work before that and there’s no reason why she can’t now, but she won’t…because she’s lazy. She wouldn’t work as a carer as believe it or not she’s not a very caring person. She could only do it as it was her mother, I don’t think she could/would do it for anyone else. She did it as she thought it was her duty but she did it kind of begrudgingly and with quite an angry and unpleasant attitude towards her mother.

Thank you so much for all the advice given. I’m going to have a sit down and make notes on all that’s been said and present her with it.

OP posts:
Bandolina · 31/12/2023 14:36

No she is not 'your responsibility'

She's a mentally competent adult. She is her own responsibility.

She needs to present herself as homeless to the local council and ask CAB to help her claim UC and housing benefit.

It will actually make things worse if you agree to house her as she will then not be priority homeless so definitely refuse. She may have to go in a temporary B&B to start with.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/12/2023 14:36

Your uncle is either an idiot or is trying to manipulate you into taking your mother on.

Ignore him completely, and listen to the very good advice you've had here.

porridgeisbae · 31/12/2023 14:37

Is she not entitled to anything as she’s made no contributions

I have hardly any contributions but have signed on for decades for health reasons @Pottlee . She'll be entitled to benefits if she has a low income (income based, rather than contribution based.)

No she's not your responsibility entirely- she's a grown up. You can help her organize her finances and living circs if you like or give other help, but she doesn't have to move in.

Original poster
Pottlee · 31/12/2023 14:37

DM is early sixties

OP posts:
greengreengrass25 · 31/12/2023 14:37

What did she do when she left school OP?

Blinkityblonk · 31/12/2023 14:37

OP, go through this thread and note down the important information, the info on claiming credits for caring retrospectively for her pension is gold-dust, as is the advice about not housing her, but contacting the council at this point with the current situation, the advice about single-person discount on council tax.

There's a lot to support her, she will need to do that leg work.

I don't think anyone looking after an 80-plus-year-old for five years will be lazy though, even if she has no work record. It's hard work being a carer, even if you don't have many hands-on duties (and she might). Plus all that money would have had to have gone in care home fees most likely unless you or your uncle were prepared to do the caring.

Original poster
Pottlee · 31/12/2023 14:38

greengreengrass25 · 31/12/2023 14:37

What did she do when she left school OP?

Pissed about for a couple of years then had a baby

OP posts:
Blinkityblonk · 31/12/2023 14:38

Crossed posts! Some great advice has been given on here, mumsnet at its best.

Greenpolkadot · 31/12/2023 14:38

If you take her in then the council wont see her as homeless
And shes not your responsibility either,

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 14:39

who was the one who advocated for equity release and what happened to that money?? did your mum not get carers allowance? she needs to go to the council and they will eventually rehouse her though why she gave up her own home is anyone's guess!

greengreengrass25 · 31/12/2023 14:40

@Pottlee

Thought you were going to say that😀

It must be horrible though to have nothing to fall back on

porridgeisbae · 31/12/2023 14:40

If you take her in then the council wont see her as homeless

It actually doesn't usually work like that- they recognize that someone temporarily putting someone up is just that, not the person's permanent home.

adultsizedogbed · 31/12/2023 14:41

Where did she live before she moved in with her mum? Why didn't she save ?

She isn't your problem ! She can't get a house and claim universal credit but surely she can still work as a carer too?

Singleandproud · 31/12/2023 14:41

I think the best thing you can do is accompany her to an appointment at the CAB and get them to go through everything with her, perhaps give them a heads-up first so they know wha to cover.

Is there any possible reason for her not working, not claiming anything and being happy living off her elderly mum - I really can't imagine a competent person being willing to do that long-term, even if they are lazy. There must be something else at play even if it hadn't been picked up as a child MH issues, learning difficulties etc Is she literate - can she fill in the forms, my mum is likely severely dyslexic and is the same age but was just called 'thick' at school, she needs my help to fill important information in although she has always worked too.

Income wise she will be eligible for Pension Credit if not the full pension, if she has ever looked after your children when they were under 12 you can transfer your own Child Benefit NI credits to her (if you don't need them) and you can backdate them, it's a simple process just a form you fill in online both sign and the then send off andis sorted in about 6 months.

Work wise your mum needs to look at entry level jobs and agency work, with no qualifications or experience it's likely to be manual work. Places are always screaming out for carers but not sure if she'd need a vehicle for that although I guess she wouldn't for a local care home. Hospital cleaner or similar might be another option as entry level work. Working in a local supermarket stacking shelves on the tills etc means she'll also get a discount off shopping which will help on a low income.

Whilst your Uncle is wrong it does sound like he has the measure of her and has watched her take-advantage of their mum financially even if she was caring for her so I wouldn't expect any help from that corner.

If she's not registered anywhere you also need to make sure she isn't un/intentially commuting fraud, if she's not on the electoral role is she listed for Council Tax, and if she didn't need to be as she was a carer (not sure if that's how it works) is she registered now? When she applies for benefits she's going to need bank statements and official paperwork / utilities in her name - does she have those? If not, that'll need setting up too.

In terms of accomodation as PP have said she needs to go to the council, it's likely she'll be housed in a B&B temporarily and then in 55+ housing. In my area whilst there is a long list for family size houses one person flats and over 55 accomodation is available on a significantly shorter list.

adultsizedogbed · 31/12/2023 14:42

Tough if she is too lazy , 60 is not old .. honestly she should have had a plan !

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 14:42

Pottlee · 31/12/2023 14:36

It was perhaps unfair of me to say she is lazy as she did take good care of her mum for several years. But I stand by it in all other circumstances. There’s no reason why she couldn’t work before that and there’s no reason why she can’t now, but she won’t…because she’s lazy. She wouldn’t work as a carer as believe it or not she’s not a very caring person. She could only do it as it was her mother, I don’t think she could/would do it for anyone else. She did it as she thought it was her duty but she did it kind of begrudgingly and with quite an angry and unpleasant attitude towards her mother.

Thank you so much for all the advice given. I’m going to have a sit down and make notes on all that’s been said and present her with it.

With the greatest respect to your mother, once she signs on for benefits she will be expected to attend job interviews, organised for her based on her work or life experience

I guess time will tell

Elderflower14 · 31/12/2023 14:44

Get her to register with an agency as a Live In Carer? She has the experience of looking after her Mum.....

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 31/12/2023 14:45

If you are a carer you can get credits on your ni - I have nearly full credits despite having several years out of the workforce - she (or in reality you) can check her current position via the .gov.uk website and if she hasn't been credited needs to contact hmrc urgently to rectify. She can sign on for uc immediately and will be expected to job hunt, if she has no housing once the house is sold and has under the threshold for housing costs she can claim that too. Most of this can't be done until Tuesday but you can check the ni credits today

whynotwhatknot · 31/12/2023 14:46

dont really know what your uncles angle is but no you dont have to house her

tell her to contact the council to get advice and go on housing list for now