DM is homeless and penniless

[Pottlee]

I don’t know where to post this really, so apologies if it’s the wrong place.

My mum has been carer for her mum for maybe 5 years. Grandmother has now sadly passed away. Inheritance wise she has left a small amount behind, which is split between her two 60 ish year old ‘children’ (my mum and my uncle) - around £5-10k each. Mum and her brother have a fractured relationship but showed themselves to get on for the sake of their mum. Not sure it’s going to be as hunkydory now their mother has passed.

Now to the main point - my mum has nothing, like nothing to her name. She has no home (lived with her mum as carer), no money (other than the small inheritance) and no income at all. She has never worked so had made no contributions. She also had never claimed any benefits. The home she lived in with her mother will be sold and that money will go to an equity release company and to pay off a load of other debts.
What on earth happens to her now?
My uncle says she’s my responsibility now, but I would hate for that to be the case in that I don’t have room for her to live at my house, and harsh as it sounds I don’t want to become responsible for her for the rest of her life - hats off to everyone who can do it, but the idea of me having to care for her the way that she cared for her mum is just a no I’m afraid. We are close in a way but don’t get on in another. I couldn’t live with her. It would make my life unbearable and no doubt spell the end of my marriage because my DH couldn’t tolerate her daily either. My 2 DC love her but daily it would be disastrous. She is very lazy, judgemental, negative and nasty. And as I said would be able to make very little/no financial contribution.

So 1. Is she really regarded my responsibility now? 2. What should she do with regards of somewhere to live (she has no money for that) and income for the rest of her life? Is she not entitled to anything as she’s made no contributions or claimed anything at any point?

I’m aware I may come across as heartless because I don’t want to take her on so to speak, but I do want to help her set herself up somehow if she can. I’m just not in a position to be able to offer a place to live or financially.

please if anyone can advise who she can speak to or what she can do. Thank you.

Thank you for your kind words and sweet reply. ❤️

I was harmed by the antipsychotic I took off label for my post concussion syndrome, and now have a movement disorder that is a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined 😪 It's the bane of my life, but it isn't even understood properly by doctors and neurologists, letalone laypeople like my friends and family.

I'd love to be able to say it will get better completely and go away, but unfortunately it will only go into remission, and it could be triggered by stress/tiredness/hormones/probably the menopause when it hits me 😪😞😖🥺

I try to be brave and strong every day for my children who are literally my world. Without them, I certainly would have been gone a long time ago.

The worst thing that happened to me with my movement disorder symptoms was one time when my cheeks sucked in and my lips puckered together, after I took my first pill of the antidepressant Citalopram (after my movement disorder first started). My husband got a wooden spoon and stuck it in between my lips 😱😅😭 which was horrifying at the time, but I csn laugh about it now.

There are many other dreadful symptoms like my tongue movements whereby my tongue makes writhing movements on its own, or my brain will feel like it's vibrating... all such weird and bizarre things.

I'm going to need to be even stronger than I've ever been and go to work, but I won't find it easy. I tried to apply for PIP a couple of years ago, but was deemed to be normal apparently. The assessment nurse probably had never even heard of my movement disorder, letalone ever assessed anyone with it.

Hey ho. Life is like a box of chocolates, and goes on. 🥺😞

I have also wondered about how she is finding any money to live day to day. I am wondering if the bank and pension service have both been notified of your GM's death. If neither have then its possible the pension could still be being paid and she could have continued to use the bank card to withdraw cash. If she is doing this then that is serious and it is bound to be found out eventually.

Turns out her brother has given her a bank card to use so she’s using that 🤦‍♀️

To his account or your GM's?

It's infuriating, the sooner she just gets on with it and applies, the sooner it gets sorted. I know it's impossible with people who just won't listen.

Is there any point in contacting your uncle and saying she can't live with you (and it absolutely is not your responsibility either legally or morally), but you're trying to help her apply for benefits and housing and she won't engage? Would she listen to him if he encourages her to do the same?

She would be better off with a bank account of her own, Pottlee.

Something like the Co-Op Cashminder account would work well.

https://www.co-operativebank.co.uk/products/bank-accounts/basic-bank-account/

What is the current situation with the provision of ID for Universal Credit?

Did you say earlier in the thread that her passport needed to be renewed?

Probably drawing down off the inheritance left.
Brother enabling how ridiculous.

TheSquareMile · Today 15:06

Pottlee · Today 14:59

Turns out her brother has given her a bank card to use so she’s using that 🤦‍♀️
She would be better off with a bank account of her own, Pottlee.

Surely TheSquareMile is right - your Mum needs to go 'on radar' to get her own name on financial transactions, rather than using other people's. Otherwise she'll never establish a credit rating of her own.

Uncle has given her a card to his bank account so she’s just using that to buy what she needs. It was him who told me when I asked if he knew how she had access to any money. I said to him does he not think that’s enabling her, and he was all “I know, I know, but I can’t see her with no money at all.” I pointed out that she needs to sort herself out and he again said he knows, but also said that she’s not doing so what can he do.
I (maybe selfishly) am kind of thinking well leave them to it as neither of them are following any advice that I give them.

I (maybe selfishly) am kind of thinking well leave them to it as neither of them are following any advice that I give them.

Not selfish at all. You've tried, there's not much more you can do.

@Pottlee

I think that, in this instance, you are going to need to do more than advise and cross your fingers.

My fear for you is that, if things are left to drift, it will suddenly escalate and there will be a big panic into which you will be dragged and which will be very stressful for you.

My fear for you is that your uncle is happy to tread water because he has already written the script for both you and your Mum. If he keeps things ticking over, odd bits of money etc, he can then step back, saying he did help.

What he is doing is not good for you and your Mum, though. I think that he is driving you both down a cul-de-sac which will result in your Mum having to come to you because no-one grasped the nettle.

One thing which is especially worrying is the roof over your Mum's head in the long-term. Am I right in believing that your grandmother's house is going to be sold? Why wait until the letter arrives saying that your Mum now needs to leave? The next stage needs to be put into place now.

If I were you, I would go over to see her this week and tell her that she needs to renew her passport and that you will help her to do that.

I would then open the bank account I suggested and apply for Universal Credit.

I really want this to work for you, OP.

You say she is lazy - but she was a carer for your grandmother ?
She had a home and grandmother had someone to look after her ? Just wondering why as a family you seem to be negative about your mums contribution in life - or is it that she didn't care for her mum properly?
In the 1970' s when I was little it was quite common for a woman who had grown up kids and / or was single to look after an elderly relative - they were usually respected by their families for doing this so the elderly person was put in a care home.

@TheSquareMile

I get where you're coming from but OP cannot force her mother to do something she doesn't want to do. She's already blue in the face trying to get her to face reality, what do you think saying it for the fifteenth time will do?

Her mother is a grown adult with agency and capacity. Unfortunately she is not behaving rationally and OP can't force her to.

I think all OP can do is make it very clear to both her DM and uncle that she will help with practical things like application forms, etc, but she absolutely won't be housing her mother.

You're right.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink is sometimes very apposite.

The uncle is a good man who respects the contribution she's made by being a carer to his mother. How callous can you be? Woman is in her 60s and never been anything but a carer to her family. She's unemployable.

Carer to her family? Never been anything else?

She brought her child up. You know as parents should. No one owes her for that then kind of looked after her mum for 5 years. But got plenty of benefit from it.

Who else was she caring for? Since she has ‘never’ been anything else?

Nobody is being callous. This family has enabled this woman and still are and then trying to foist her onto poor Pottlee.
She needs to get sorted as time is up for burying her head. The house is going and the money that she needs for getting a home together is being dribbled away now without any resolutions.

The OP's mother is in her early 60s. I don't think OP gave her exact age but let's assume she was born in 1962. She would have left school between 1978 and 1980.

OP said "she pissed around for a couple of years and then got pregnant" . So she was a mother in around 1980- 1982.

OP said her grandparents helped to bring her up. We don't know what OP's mother did during OP's childhood or immediately afterwards but we know mother lived abroad for 15 years and came back about 5 years ago.

I don't know about you but in my world there was an expectation in the early 80s that women who were capable of working outside the home, worked, even those with children.

The only women I know who have never worked after having children are extremely wealthy and in one case has independent trust income of her own.

Woman is in her 60s and never been anything but a carer to her family
No she hasn't.

She's unemployable
She may well have rendered herself unemployable but there are still unskilled jobs available.

^^

And here we go again.....

I don't think it would be that hard to get DM set up with a bank acct and at the job centre and with housing and find the NI number etc.

Well we won't know how hard it is until she tries.

I don't think it's impossible but I don't think it's going to be straightforward. OP's mother has neither ID nor proof of address. She has no utility bills in her name and doesn't appear on the electoral roll.

This link has some suggestions.

Getting a bank account with no address

I agree with the sentiment behind this and there's not much OP can do if Mum refuses point blank to engage, but the trouble is it will become Pottlee's problem whether she likes it or not if Mum runs out of money and is suddenly out of the house without any other accommodation. It sounds as if getting her to enquire about Social Housing and benefit entitlement (if any) would be the best bet, but will she do it? And how's she going to pay for a private rental without a job or having any benefit entitlement sorted out? Landlords won't be falling over themselves to offer her anything, quite apart from how she'll pay for it.

Meanwhile, your uncle has just enabled her to put things off for a bit longer - she's been doing this all her life from the sound of it. Trouble is he's also abdicating responsibility - I bet he won't be offering her a room.

OPs mother is of an age where social housing is a very possible option. There’s a thread about a 62 year old man who was getting evicted from his (horrible) private rental, and by taking the advice given, his friend has helped him get rehoused to a permanent, social tenancy. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/property/4939417-what-does-a-62-year-old-man-on-just-above-minimum-wage-do-when-served-with-section-21-eviction-notice-and-cannot-afford-anything-on-the-current-rental-market?page=22&reply=132035904

There are agencies like Age UK, Shelter, CAB etc. If the OP can approach those, and the local council, with her mother’s permission, they can really help.

@Pottlee good luck.

OP - you are doing the right thing stepping back if they won’t take your advice. Just be clear that you won’t take over caring for your mum and she will have to sort herself out.

as far as I can tell, the OPs mother has one dc (the OP), so she has been an adult for 40/45 years, spent a max 18 of those raising her child, 5 looking after her own mother, and so around 20 years as an adult being unemployed and not in a caring role. It’s great that she’s found people to look after her in those years, but it doesn’t create an obligation on the OP /her uncle to continue to fund her.

There might be almhouses that she could apply for. Also consider live-in carer/housekeeper jobs?

She's spent far more than 20 years being unemployed. If "early 60s" is say 62 and she left school at 18 that's 44 years.

There's no reason why she couldn't have worked after OP's birth. There's a poster determinedly saying mothers didn't work but in the 1980s that's just nonsense.

I'm only about 3 years younger than OP's mum and I've always worked, as have most women I know even when they had young children. And we're still working! There are way too many people on here giving her a free pass. Why? The people who really need benefits such as the disabled are constantly finding it harder, those capable of working to support those who can't should be doing so. 'Just apply for Universal Credit' isn't the answer. It's our money, not government money. She should be trying to get a job.