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Original poster

DM is homeless and penniless

578 replies

Pottlee · 31/12/2023 13:29

I don’t know where to post this really, so apologies if it’s the wrong place.

My mum has been carer for her mum for maybe 5 years. Grandmother has now sadly passed away. Inheritance wise she has left a small amount behind, which is split between her two 60 ish year old ‘children’ (my mum and my uncle) - around £5-10k each. Mum and her brother have a fractured relationship but showed themselves to get on for the sake of their mum. Not sure it’s going to be as hunkydory now their mother has passed.

Now to the main point - my mum has nothing, like nothing to her name. She has no home (lived with her mum as carer), no money (other than the small inheritance) and no income at all. She has never worked so had made no contributions. She also had never claimed any benefits. The home she lived in with her mother will be sold and that money will go to an equity release company and to pay off a load of other debts.
What on earth happens to her now?
My uncle says she’s my responsibility now, but I would hate for that to be the case in that I don’t have room for her to live at my house, and harsh as it sounds I don’t want to become responsible for her for the rest of her life - hats off to everyone who can do it, but the idea of me having to care for her the way that she cared for her mum is just a no I’m afraid. We are close in a way but don’t get on in another. I couldn’t live with her. It would make my life unbearable and no doubt spell the end of my marriage because my DH couldn’t tolerate her daily either. My 2 DC love her but daily it would be disastrous. She is very lazy, judgemental, negative and nasty. And as I said would be able to make very little/no financial contribution.

So 1. Is she really regarded my responsibility now? 2. What should she do with regards of somewhere to live (she has no money for that) and income for the rest of her life? Is she not entitled to anything as she’s made no contributions or claimed anything at any point?

I’m aware I may come across as heartless because I don’t want to take her on so to speak, but I do want to help her set herself up somehow if she can. I’m just not in a position to be able to offer a place to live or financially.

please if anyone can advise who she can speak to or what she can do. Thank you.

OP posts:
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LakieLady · 31/12/2023 15:04

Babyroobs · 31/12/2023 13:45

Even if she does not have enough NI credits for a state pension, she would still be eligible for pension credit. However that is not the immediate problem - she has seven years to go likely until reaching state pension age so she needs to work out how to find a job.

She won't be eligible for pension credit until she's 66, so she'll have to claim UC until then.

Lachimolala · 31/12/2023 15:04

Like PP have said she’ll be housed by the council. So she needs to go to the local housing office Tuesday and get the application rolling. Or it can be done online if she’s tech savvy? General housing lists are decades long, but over 55’s homes are plentiful in most places. She can apply for benefits as well, universal credit. After that it’s up to her, she’ll have to get a job to support herself if benefits won’t cover the cost.

She’s not penniless, destitute or homeless. She just needs to access the help readily available to her.

LaurieStrode · 31/12/2023 15:04

As 60 year old who's been in the workforce since age 16, and made significant lifestyle sacrifices to secure my old age, (and done several lots of elder/end of life care along the way) I've zero sympathy for the likes of her. Utterly lazy.

It's galling to know she'll somehow get bailed out by hardworking taxpayers. Working full-time should be a requirement for any housing assistance or UC she gets, since she never bothered to work previously.

AInightingale · 31/12/2023 15:05

Sheltered type one bedroom accommodation for the elderly. Where I live in Northern Ireland, it is social housing allocated on a points system. As your mum is homeless she would get priority, I'd imagine other UK regions operate similarly. Any chronic health conditions are also taken into account. I think you can have below £10K in savings and still claim HB (this may also vary between regions). though if she is early 60s and in good health she could always work for a few years. Ask the housing provider to assess her, it's usually a telephone interview nowadays, and stress the urgency. Most people on the waiting list for these places are still in their own homes and downsizing, so she should have a good chance of getting a high place in the queue.

Lilithlogic · 31/12/2023 15:07

So where was your father when you were growing up?

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 15:08

Nannyfannybanny · 31/12/2023 14:49

Do not take her in! She has to stay in her mother's house, until court issues summons for repossession,and a removal from properties date is given. If she leaves beforehand, she is deemed to have made herself "intentionally homeless". I speak from experience. If she hasn't registered with a GP at least in those 5 years, she may have difficulty proving she is allowed to reside here.

At the very least she'll have a birth certificate.

MILTOBE · 31/12/2023 15:09

Well, she's not going to get a job now, not when she's got a bad attitude and absolutely no work experience. Looking after her mum isn't the same as working as a carer - there was nobody to check on standards and she didn't have to be anywhere at a particular time.

Obviously she can't live with you. Presumably there will be a month or two while the house is being sold, and she has a few thousand pounds which she can spend on a deposit and the first month's rent, while she's waiting for universal credit. Whatever you do, don't be a guarantor for her.

QueenOfMOHO · 31/12/2023 15:10

Pottlee · 31/12/2023 14:19

Yes she was fully supported by my grandmother and quite possibly the reason there isn’t much money left

Show quote history

Then TBH, I can sort of see why your uncle is absolving himself of helping her now. She has spent "their" inheritance already hasn't she?
Either spent or stashed it, either way, he gets nothing.

Custardslices · 31/12/2023 15:11

She'll just have to work like the rest of us.

I doubt she will, be a sponger to the bitter end. I'd not have that influence around any child.

Thatswhy11 · 31/12/2023 15:11

@Lilithlogic what has OP mum being doing prior that?? Lots of people simply cannot afford to be a carer for their parents, as do millions of people raise children. I'm sorry but there is a bigger issue here. 5 years is nothing given OPs mum is in her 60s!

It doesn't explain why OPs mother has chosen not to claim any form of benefit infact I'd say its pretty unusual don't you think?

LeavesOnTrees · 31/12/2023 15:12

Did she work whilst she was abroad ? Some countries, including EU ones, have reciprocal agreements for transferring state pension contributions / credits if she was in the system anytime during those 15 years.

Also was she married and divorced or widowed ? She may be entitled to something based on her husbands' contributions, including private pensions.

Alohapotato · 31/12/2023 15:13

If she was my mum I would housed her in my home, there is always room for family.
Your mum was a good daughter looking after her mum, why can you don't do the same? your mum can live with you and find a job in aldi,boots etc. I always see old people working there.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/12/2023 15:15

Alohapotato · 31/12/2023 15:13

If she was my mum I would housed her in my home, there is always room for family.
Your mum was a good daughter looking after her mum, why can you don't do the same? your mum can live with you and find a job in aldi,boots etc. I always see old people working there.

OP's opening post

My uncle says she’s my responsibility now, but I would hate for that to be the case in that I don’t have room for her to live at my house, and harsh as it sounds I don’t want to become responsible for her for the rest of her life - hats off to everyone who can do it, but the idea of me having to care for her the way that she cared for her mum is just a no I’m afraid.

Do people just not frigging well read what the OP says before they jump in with 'but she's your muuuuuuuuum and I would'?

Babyroobs · 31/12/2023 15:16

penjil · 31/12/2023 14:49

What kind of debts did your grandmother have?

If there won't be much inheritance left once the house is sold, then these duvets must've run into thousands and thousands!

That can't be right, surely?

Agree it doesn't make sense that the whole house value has been equity released although interest on these schemes does build up. They rarely work out well for the homeowner.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/12/2023 15:16

Alohapotato · 31/12/2023 15:13

If she was my mum I would housed her in my home, there is always room for family.
Your mum was a good daughter looking after her mum, why can you don't do the same? your mum can live with you and find a job in aldi,boots etc. I always see old people working there.

OP has explained why, no need to guilt trip her.

It's not your mum, and OP is not you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/12/2023 15:16

Firstly, Your uncle is wrong! You have no legal responsibility to house her. I wonder if he's saying that to get the house sold
As she's 60, she will need to claim UC, but will need ID and NI number
Why was she not listed on the electoral roll? Or do you mean her details were " hidden"
Does she have a GP? NHS number
Regarding housing She will not be legally homeless until the house is sold so register on the council over 55 housing scheme ASAP
She is in for a rude awakening as without her own means, she won't be able to coast through her life
You sound very caring, but please don't let her rely on your support for everything
At 60, without physical or mental vulnerabilities, she only has learned helplessness.

Nightowl1234 · 31/12/2023 15:17

Encourage her to get a job…?

RainyDaysSundays · 31/12/2023 15:17

Let's hope she is made to find work now and not scrounge off the tax payer.

There are plenty of jobs going for carers, shop assts and cafe workers.

She has been very silly though because all the time she was caring for your gran, she could have claimed carers' allowance and maybe got some credits for NI so she gets a better pension at 67.

Did no one ever talk to her about any of this?

And presumably your gran was not educated on money if her house was sold to release equity.

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 15:17

She is absolutely not your responsibility and your uncle is a dick. I can't credit how this situation was not planned for in advance - it was always going to end up this way. Your uncle should be grateful too that your mum took the responsibility of caring off him! I also don't understand why she wasn't claiming benefits all along.

He would be an absolute arse if he insisted on selling the house before your mum had somewhere else to go as well. What was the equity release for, and will there be nothing left after the house is sold?

Babyroobs · 31/12/2023 15:18

Alohapotato · 31/12/2023 15:13

If she was my mum I would housed her in my home, there is always room for family.
Your mum was a good daughter looking after her mum, why can you don't do the same? your mum can live with you and find a job in aldi,boots etc. I always see old people working there.

Op's mum has never worked ! You may see older people working in these places but the jobs are still competitive and likely go to people with experience. not sure how favorably an employer will look on an applicant with zero work experience at the age of 60.

Silvers11 · 31/12/2023 15:18

@Pottlee I suspect your uncle just wants her out of the house so that it can be sold without any hassle. I presume he is the Executor of your Grandmother's will?

DO NOT put her up in your house or she will go straight to the bottom of the Housing Ladder as far as the Council is concerned. It might be hard to resist the pressure to take her in, but you will need to stay strong and just stick to your guns that it can't be done.

As others have said though, she needs to speak to Citizen's advice to find out and claim whatever benefits she may be entitled to. They will also advise her about the housing issue. At the moment she doesn't have ANY inheritance, so she will be able to claim. Also, depending how much she may eventually get ( it takes time to sell a house) if it is quite a small amount it may not impact her benefits at all - and if it is less than £16000 she will still get SOME benefits

I'm sure you will want to help her get somewhere to live and obtain some kind of income, but she is not your responsibility and you can still hep her without taking her into your home

ApolloandDaphne · 31/12/2023 15:19

It won't be easy for her to get a job if she has no work experience. Caring may be the only option open to her.

Lilithlogic · 31/12/2023 15:19

Thatswhy11 · 31/12/2023 15:11

@Lilithlogic what has OP mum being doing prior that?? Lots of people simply cannot afford to be a carer for their parents, as do millions of people raise children. I'm sorry but there is a bigger issue here. 5 years is nothing given OPs mum is in her 60s!

It doesn't explain why OPs mother has chosen not to claim any form of benefit infact I'd say its pretty unusual don't you think?

Maybe she had a husband that made her be a sahm, it happens now not just years ago. To just call her lazy to women and men who stay at home with their families. Plus the caring could have been going on for longer than recognised. The way the OP describes her as passing around having a baby shows her resentment to the point I doubt she is telling the whole story.

AInightingale · 31/12/2023 15:19

Is there an underlying issue like alcohol abuse? Might help explain the nastiness and squandering of money. People can be functioning alcos and hide it well.

RainyDaysSundays · 31/12/2023 15:20

You don't need experience to wash up in a cafe, clear tables, stack shelves, or help the elderly to the shower.

She is in for a shock because she's got 7 years before retirement and should work.