Neighbour taken mother's car keys..... would the police intervene

[whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem]

Simple facts.

Neighbour has done a lot for mum over the years
He has now convinced himself she has dementia and she can't drive
He wants me to put her in a home

The ulterior motive is He wants to buy mums house for his son and buy mums car.

I live 300 miles away and do what i can. Only this weekend I got her admitted to hospital for an assessment I didn't think she needed as I was with her the week before last. She passed flying colours.

He took her keys off her three weeks ago and I made him give them back then he had a go at me for letting her drive.

Now he's walked into her house taken her keys again and said she won't be needing them again.

I've threatened the police if he doesn't give them back but worried its an idle threat.

It’s not, that’s definitely illegal.

Probably in case of emergency

He was doing things like :

1. Minor DIY
2. Unjamming things
3. Helping her in from the car with heavy shopping (and then having a go at her for what she was buying - ie pot noodles which are unhealthy and doesn't help her weight

@whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem bloody difficult situation all round. I'd agree get the neighbour out of the picture as far as you can - not that that is going necessarily be straightforward. Wish I had more advice, but wishing you well.

"So it is not unreasonable to think her support needs will have increased in that time seeing as arthritis doesn't get better. Yet she is still making her own meals and doing her own laundry. If she is absolutely fine on her own, why was the neighbour helping her so much?"

@SnowSwan The OP has said in previous posts she agrees - her mother does need more help with these things, but her mother refuses to accept it, except to now agreeing to having a cleaner once a week. She's been assessed as having capacity and she can't be forced to accept help she doesn't want. But in the meantime the neighbour is taking full advantage of the situation.

I know that. I never said otherwise. That was in response to someone calling me ableist because I think the mum needs more physical support. I did not say the OP was responsible for sorting that.

I'm really not having a go at you @whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem in case you think that. I know what it's like to have a stubborn-ass mother. She isn't your responsibility, but I know it's still hard to watch someone you care about not do anything to help themselves.

Hope the police respond quickly

Because he coerced her under the pretence of being helpful possibly. It's not such an unusual thing at any age.

Also, you can't say anyone that has ever needed help from a neighbour shouldn't be allowed to live alone and make their own decisions. That would include most of us.

Sadly, it is typical for abusers to start out being lovely and then show their true colours later. If they started out being nasty and abusive, nobody would ever get involved with them.

Why the hell is the NDN insured on her car?

If uncle is nearby visits 4x per week, why does NDN need a key "for emergencies" ?

Can you get her a regular landline that doesn't need to be charged, as backup?

"She has never reliably put phones on to charge. I remember as a teenager having a go at her because once again I'd got in from school and once again all the phones were dead. She doesn't do it now either but NDN has convinced himself she doesn't understand how phones work."

As a total aside, I'm really impressed that you had chargeable phones when you were a teenager if your mum is 80 now! (Or am I just so old now that this is one of those things that I feel has only been around for 10 years max and it's actually been far longer. Like how the 90's is ten years ago..)

We are talking late 90s and an older teenager. My dad worked for BT so got a lot of the new phones as a beta tester effectively.

I loved the rechargable phones and the fact I could use them in my bedroom but got very angry when they were never charged unless my dad or I put them on charge.

They probably weren't cellular phones. Landlines with cordless handsets existed more than 30 years ago.

Police have gotten back and said they are short staffed but they will be out today.

The neighbour has got back to me. Says he’s more than happy for the police to be involved because he wants them to take her keys off her. He now claims he’s only withholding them until her leg (which is currently being treated) is healed. However he’s changed his tune in the last 24 hours and the police won’t take her keys off her for a temporary ailment anyway!. I pointed out if he’d maybe responded rather than blanked everyone for 24 hours maybe it would not have come to this. I pointed out regardless, taking her keys off her is not the correct way to deal with this and if he has that level of concern, the DVLA or her Doctors is the correct path. He’s moved away from claiming capacity is the issue now.

I’m at the end of my tether trying to deal with this and hold down a stressful job. DH is doing what he can. I haven’t had a holiday since May, I split myself between mums and home whilst working long hours and I’m clinging to my holiday in January like a mirage. If someone told me I had to cancel that I really do think I’d break down. I know its first world problems and at least I don’t have kids or ill health on mine or DH’s part thrown into the mix.

I’m getting to the point where I don’t care if the police refer her for assessment I just want the whole back and forth to stop. NDN has been a family friend for decades long before my dad died so I don’t think he’s truly an abuser. I do know however that everything always has to be his way or the person in question is talking shit or doesn’t know what they are doing. So there is an element of that going on. He also still hasn’t explained why he hasn’t brought her food back.

I’ve calmed down a little and want to hold out an olive branch because he does do a lot for her but it’s the treating like a toddler who doesn’t know her own mind…….

It may be an idea to encourage your mum to keep him at a distance. If he is belittling her, even if he thinks he's doing it for the greater good, it will be knocking her confidence. He may think he's being kind and helpful, but restricting her freedom is far from it.

In terms of getting her to accept help you could try the "well it'll stop me from worrying so much, and you'll have more energy to enjoy yourself" route? I had to do that with my Step-Mum. We both have chronic pain from arthritis, and being stubborn helps keep us going... but that doesn't mean we can't get help so we can have a better quality of life.

It sounds like OP is doing as much as she can without putting her own life totally on hold.

As for the rechargeable phones…. my parents would be in their mid to late 80s if they were alive. When I left home at 18 they definitely had cordless phones which had to be placed on the base unit to recharge and my mother definitely used to put the handset down wherever she was and then moan when it was out of charge.

Well, it sounds as though you want him to continue being a resource, so you might have to take the bad with the good. I wouldn't, but to each her own.

Good luck OP. I understand completely. I'm an only child, no close relatives and after my Dad died I found myself looking after Mum.
It wasn't a chore, don't get me wrong, but at 81 with a strong personality and an absolute refusal to accept any help, it had its challenges.

I can only imagine how stressed you are. I was fortunate enough to be close enough to be that bit more involved but frequently that didn't make it easier. Sadly she's no longer here, but she was as stubborn as a mule and fiercely independent to the day she died.
Just don't forget, you can't pour from an empty cup.

Goodness your poor thing. @whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem Sadly this sort of elder abuse is not uncommon. Things I would double check:

1. Check the Land Registry for the title of your Mum’s House. It costs £3 and will give you peace of mind he has not been up to no good. Also register an alert on the property in case he tries to do anything untoward.
2. Contact the bank and get yourself as a signatory on your Mum’s accounts so that you can keep an eye out. If you think this man knows her PIN etc, change all of the cards.
3. Make sure you have permission from your Mum to access her Healthcare records and can speak to any HCP if need be. Also alert them to the issues with the NDN. Make sure they have all of your correct contact details and that you are registered as NOK.
4. Definitely contact Adult SS and report this man’s behaviour.
5. Check with the OPG that this man has not persuaded your mum to give him any sort of POA.

I hope you get it sorted, have been through something similar myself. It was an absolute nightmare….

Family friend or not, what he is doing is abusive. Think about it. Restricting her movements, restricting her food, commenting on anything he sees fit. Do you have full control of her finances? If not, it may be an idea to check them.

You need to try and find the time to go to her house and sort this. Change locks, get car keys, install security and tell him to stay away!! Good luck

@whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem it sounds like you are a fantastically caring daughter. Not only are you trying to meet your mum’s needs but you are also respecting her need for independence.
Someone may have covered this but for clarity , mental capacity is a legal term and is both question and time specific. For example, to activate your financial Power of Attorney your mum would need to be assessed to see if she was able to make financial decisions on various levels. The assessed should include a diagnosis to account for loss of capacity, if capacity is likely to return, and help with understanding info. Unwise decisions are only OK within this assessment if they are in character.
From experience with my mum it’s easiest if your mum get the POA ‘activated’ (not sure of the term) while your mum still has capacity. It can be a long winded process in an emergency (as we found out).
Remember to take care of yourself. You have to be your #1 priority if you’re getting warn out. After all if you run out of energy you won’t be able to be there for her.

This is theft i would imagine. He might not be breaking and entering but he is certainly taking things without permission. Ring 101 & ask their advice. Get the locks changed and don't give him another key ...this is low key harassment. Advise your mum to not get him to do any jobs again and not open the door.

is he married ?

Makes you wonder whether anything else has been removed. Have you checked her jewellery and nice things to make sure they are still there? Are her food cupboards still stocked? If there is anything in the garden, is it still there? Are her nice clothes still in her wardrobe?

These two are thieves and pirates and a huge risk. Can you be sure it won't escalate if they want her house?

It will be interesting to see how this resolves, because there are a lot of old ladies around, and they need protecting from this sort of scum. Yes. Police. And good luck.